My Father has passed away - how did you deal with the loss of your parents?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My mom called a couple of hours ago crying and let me know that my father had
passed away. He had been suffering from Parkinson’s for quite some time but
suddenly had a heart attack and departed this world at age 88,

I guess my brain still is trying to process this - I feel a bit numb and confused right
now. It’s none of my business, but if you could tell me how you dealt with losing one
or both of your parents it could be a great help to me.

I thank you, my friends of the Straight Dope, in advance for your thoughts and advice.

2

First of all, you have my sincere condolences. Losing a parent is very hard. Grief is very hard. There are no rules about how to cope or how long to grieve.

For me, after my mother passed away and the shock had worn off, I felt bereft and lost. I would sit in my car so I could scream. She passed away in 2006 and I still feel like a different person. I was very close to her.

Please take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Scream if you need to.

3

My sympathies to you. I wish I had a magic word to help you deal.

My dad died suddenly about 20 years ago - he was 72 and he and Mom were enroute to San Diego to board a cruise shop for their 50th anniversary cruise. They got as far as Texas…

I was angry at my father. He’d had heart problems for a lot of years and according to Mom, she could tell something wasn’t right, but he insisted he was OK. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference if they’d gone to the ER, but we’ll never know, and I was still angry for a few days.

The reality of it hit at the funeral home on the last day of the viewing - I was the last one out of the room and I turned in time to see the funeral home personnel preparing to close the casket - that was the finality for me. Yet for months, every time I went to their house, I expected to see him.

It helped that my mom adjusted well - she’s still going strong at 88 - well, as strong as can be expected. She got on with her life and has enjoyed her grandkids and great-grandkids. I suspect when she dies, it’ll be easier on me because of that.

My FIL died a couple of months ago, and my husband is having a really hard time of it. FIL was in hospice care at home and my husband stayed there to help his mom, as she’s nearly blind. He was with his father when he died, and he’s carrying guilt that he couldn’t save him - a 92 year old man with Parkinson’s and dementia was beyond anyone’s help. My husband is going to grief counseling offered by the hospice organization - I truly hope it helps. He’s beating himself up and it breaks my heart.

Grief is such a personal emotion and I think the only truth is that it eases over time as long as you don’t cling to it. I see it as a battle of the rational vs the emotional and neither can really win. But one day, it won’t hurt as much.

4

Our circumstances were different in very many respects, but perhaps I can offer something that isn’t specific to any of those circumstances but rather general in nature. First and foremost is to be there for your mother. She has lost her life’s companion, the father of her children, and the man who was supposed to be hand in hand with her until her end. This is devastating, so she needs your support very much. Supporting and comforting her will help you process your own grief.

The second is to get back into the rhythm of your life as quickly as possible. If you work or are retired or have hobbies or whatever, immerse yourself in them. The more you are occupied, the less you will think and grieve.

Finally, think about the quality of his life and how little of it actually was left. Parkinson’s at 88? Every day had to be a mountain for him, and now he is pain free and at peace.

Many hugs for you! :heartbeat:

5

My condolences on the loss of your father, may his memory be a blessing to you.

My dad died in September of 2020 at 83. He had been in poor health for a number of years and both my parents returned from spending the winter in Florida just before the border closed with lingering “colds”.

He was diagnosed with heart disease in the early 70s when I was just a toddler and told to “get his affairs in order”. Considering he lived almost 50 years beyond that diagnosis, I think he lived a good life.

I still call my mom and expect him to pick up the phone.

6

:heartbeat:

7

Sorry for your loss. My dad also had PD and died last year. Like you, I wasn’t able to be present when my dad died.

Everybody’s different, bit I think I was helped by participating in many of the conventional grief-related rituals. My siblings and I wrote up memorable obituaries for each of my parents, and I wrote a more personal (to me) version to share with some close friends. When my mom died several years ago, we had a memorial service and luncheon, and as a family we scattered some of her ashes in a wilderness location. When my dad died, we had a private military commitment ceremony and then a memorial luncheon with friends, and scattered some of his ashes in that same wilderness location. Before any of these things came into my life they all seemed like just unpleasant social obligations, but looking back, I really do think they were important for my own healing. In retrospect, I think “unpleasant” isn’t really a good word to describe these things. Crying your eyes out while you’re trying to write an obituary may be emotionally painful, but it’s also deeply meaningful.

And speaking of crying, give yourself permission to do that. If you don’t feel comfortable being in such an uncomposed state around other people, then find some private space where you can let all that sadness pour out without any inhibition. Consider taking some time off of work if you can, and let your coworkers know why. I went back to work too soon after my mom died, and had never told my coworkers why I was gone at all in the first place; when I came back, I ended up falling to pieces when a coworker asked me how my weekend went.

I gather you were close to your dad. Since he was the first of your parents to die, this is a new experience, and your uncertainty about how to move forward is understandable. In the months before my mom died, I was kind of “pre-grieving” because I knew she would die soon, but I was also scared of what the aftermath would be like. It was bad of course, terrible grief, but people do heal and get on with their lives, and so did I; it just takes time.

My siblings and I were helped by a family friend who wrote to us after my mom died. He had lost his wife to cancer a decade prior, and said that for some time after she died, thoughts of her made him sad. But over time, he eventually got to a place where thoughts of her made him happy instead. It may be helpful for you to keep that in mind. Other people have lost their parents before you - including your own parents! - and you can see that even though they may have experienced tremendous grief at the time, they were able to eventually get back to a sense of peace and calm.

Having said all that, I find that a sense of loss still comes to the surface now and then. Example, Christmas crackers are an English tradition from way back, and my mom (born in England) kept it up with all of us until she died. At Christmas a year ago, my wife and I were unwrapping a box of crackers, and thoughts of my mom suddenly sent me down a rabbit hole of tearful grief, even though it had been many years since she died.

Some people have a harder time getting back to normal. Talking with friends can help (and strangers too - hopefully this thread is useful for you), but if you find yourself really struggling, you might consider seeing a professional therapist. With their training, they can be better than friends and family at helping you untangle complicated/painful feelings and work through it all in a productive way.

8

Sorry for your loss.

My mom passed away 4 months ago. It was no surprise. And her quality of life was bad. Always in pain, could barely see and serious mobility issues. She lived 100 miles away from me and I spent nearly every weekend with her. Honestly, it was very rough on me. Seemed like I was never home.

So, handled it OK emotionally and dealing with the estate. Mom had all her ducks in a row thank god, but it’s still way more complicated than it should be.

9

My dad died 9 years ago - it was not unexpected (he had cancer, and had entered hospice care about 6 weeks earlier) but still felt sudden.

Like @FairyChatMom’s mother, my mother adjusted well - because he had been sick for quite some time, she was then able to do things like travel to see her siblings and her grandkids. That’s not to say she’s happier with him gone - all things considered, she’d rather have him there, sure.

As for me: well, I ended up making some fairly significant career decisions shortly afterward and while I’m lucky they turned out well, I wish I’d pushed back and asked for time because I was still grieving harder than I expected to.

10

I am very sorry to hear about that.
I hope it may help if I tell you about my experience.
I lost both my parents within a month and it was a shattering experience. (I was in my fifties and had never lost a close relative before.

Here’s what helped me.

a) My mother was in a hospice for her last week (which she found comforting.)
She asked me to write her eulogy - as a celebration of her life. Although it was tough to do, I wrote a draft and brought it to her. She liked it and said “I wish I could be there to hear it!”
We both laughed - then I said “Can I add that as a happy story to the eulogy?” Mum said of course (and she also wanted cheerful music played at her funeral.)
After Mum passed, my lovely sister and I were in a funeral car together. She said “I know you’ll do well with the eulogy. If you feel you can’t go on, just beckon me and I will come up and finish it.” (What a wonderful thing to say.)
Anyway the ceremony went very well. I told the happy story in the middle of the speech and people started laughing - then sort of stopped. Immediately I said “Mum would be happy to hear laughter on this day. Thank you.”
Afterwards my sister and I were receiving the mourners (as you do) and several said it was the best such occasion they had been to.

b) I did the eulogy for Dad one month later (again my sister kindly backed me up.)
Dad had spent his last days in a care home (he suffered from many ailments) and the staff were really kind to him. So I invited a couple of the staff along and thanked them publically.

c) After that month, I was a wreck. I realised I heeded help, so went to a grief counsellor.
Home - Cruse Bereavement Support
The counsellor was a tremendous support. She explained I would probably go through seven stages of grief.:

  1. shock and disbelief
  2. denial
  3. guilt
  4. anger and bargaining
  5. depression, loneliness and reflection
  6. reconstruction (or ‘working through’)
  7. acceptance

She added “You know you’re an orphan now, don’t you?”
At forst I was stunned. Orphans are small children in the novels of Charles Dickens. But it made sense.
I went back weekly for a month and the sessions really helped. I also went through all seven stages.

I still remember Mum and Dad, but I got through.
I wish you all the best.

11

I feel like we should start a club. My father had PD and passed away in June 2020 from COVID-related complications, and we weren’t allowed to be there either.

It’s tough- there’s no proper way to grieve, but it’s something you absolutely must do, however that works for you. If crying does the trick, then cry. If not, then don’t. It’s up to you-whatever works.

In my father’s case, he had PD for 20-some years before he passed, and in the last couple of years prior he’d been suffering from PD-related dementia and the mobility problems that PD brings. He was also diabetic, so he’d also been having periodic infections and other issues. So in some sense, it was a relief when he did pass away, as his quality of life had not been great, and it had been wearing my mother out to both deal with him like that and just see him like that.

I felt like in a lot of ways, I’d been doing the grieving rather slowly over the past couple of years while he was slowly declining, and this was kind of a final burst, rather than the beginnning of the grief process.

That said, I still think about him nearly every day. I see my kids participate in certain activities, or ask certain questions, and it always hits home that those things were his interests too, and he’d have been thrilled to see them do it and discuss it with them. Or just more mundane things like catching myself saying things to my kids the exact way he said it to me. It doesn’t go away, but over time it does sort of sublimate into a sort of bittersweet memory where you miss your loved one, but remember them fondly without all the sharp pain and grief that’s present immediately after they die.

Hope this was helpful. You’ve got my condolences- I know what it’s like. It gets better though.

12

I m sorry for your loss.

Everybody processes grief differently. When my father passed it really didn’t hit me until the next morning. Then the tears came. Still think about him and dream about him and he died in 2006.

When my mother passed it was a relief to all concerned. She was lucid and with it until the last week, when the combination of congestive heart failure and kidney issues finally convinced her to let go at 100 1/2. That was 8 years ago and I still feel it sometimes.

Like others have said, cut yourself some slack. Scream, cry, whatever you need. If you need to vent, that’s what we’re here for.

13

My condolences to you and your family.

I’m not there yet but I suspect within the next year or so I will be. My dad is on his third bout with cancer, his dementia is getting worse, and his ability to walk is so impaired that falls are a regular occurrence. Every time the phone rings I sort of expect the news. At this point I’m maybe numb enough to find it a relief when he finally doesn’t have that pain or stress any more, but I suspect I’ll be in a bad state for a long time (or feeling horribly guilty if I do manage to cope). I feel like I should be bookmarking this thread.

14

I am sorry for your loss. I know it’s very hard for most people.

Me, well, my father got married at 19 and was appalled when he became a father (me) exactly one year later. A girl. And troublesome and crying and…well, he resented me for the rest of his life. Never played with me, never spoke to me unless to give an order, never took me for ice cream or to a movie. So when he got cancer and eventually died, I really didn’t feel much grieving myself. I did go up to the hospital in the middle of the night when they called and said ‘this is it’. He was surprisingly well liked and well thought of, as is the case with so many, and I teared up a little at the funeral. But frankly, I was relieved he went before my mother. I think of him now and then sadly, but I try to remember the good things he did for us. He was a great one for vacations and road trips and was a steady worker. He only lived for my mother, no one else came close, except maybe my two brothers when they got old enough to play sports. Me? I was nobody.

My mother? That is a whole other story, and it was a nightmare, the last few years of her life. When she died (in a nursing home; I was out of town when she passed) my emotions were all over the place. I cried, was relieved, cried some more, was glad it was all over. Again, I try to concentrate on the good and not dwell on the bad.

I don’t think I’m unique in this. Some families are loving and close. Some aren’t. I was partially raised (weekends and summers, for years) by my grandmother. We adored each other. (Parents? Sullen, mean, so bitter with their lot in life.) So when they passed away, those were big events in anyone’s life. Complicated emotions (I should be crying. Should I cry? Why am I not crying?). My brothers were more distraught, but my father (and mother) liked them more than me, so they felt the loss moreso.

15

I’m sorry for your loss. There’s not much I can add to the comments above.

My Dad died at 67 after a short battle w cancer. Prior to that he was youthful & vigorous for his age. That was 1997, so 25 years ago now. Mom died a decade later at age 75 of a sudden no-notice heart attack. So perhaps I can speak a bit to the longer term, not the immediate aftermath that has been handled so well by folks above.

My Dad was the first person close to me who died. We were always good friends, but not in close contact, living across the country from one another as we did. Nevertheless, his disappearance from my life hit me hard. Harder than I expected.

I was in a semi-daze for a couple months. Able to concentrate on whatever the task at hand was, but when there was nothing to focus on, the enormity of his passing welled into the empty mental space for many minutes at a time. Slowly “many minutes” turned into “a minute”, then “a momentary remembrance”. And with each slow evolving change the pain became first a sting, then just one more nagging irritant among life’s many. Now, it’s just a neutral fact of history, much like how I think of the missed opportunities of my senior year in high school. It was what it was and now it is what it is.

It was probably 3 or 4 years afterwards before I stopped having the thought “Wow, that was cool. I ought to call Dad & tell him about it. … Oh yeah. Shit!” Though once again both the frequency and the severity of the thought declines with time.

Since then I’ve lost Mom as I mentioned, my last grandparent, my first wife, and her Mom, my aged MIL for whom I was the main manager / closest family. Soon I will lose my last aunt.

One gets better at managing loss. It is, after all, a part of life no less than birth or breakfast.

You can do this; we can help.

One closing bit of advice. There is (almost) no wrong way to do this. Whatever you feel, it’s genuine and you should not be second guessing “Should I feel this way?” “Am I a bad person for feeling (or not feeling) this or that?” Do not set yourself a timetable or a goal for any of this. Especially resist others’ setting goals for you. This is not performance art done to others’ standards. This is unique to you.

My (almost) is that if you fall into a depression where grief over what is lost eclipses your own ability to live your life. This is more likely to occur on loss of a child or spouse than an aging long-ill parent, but depending on the rest of his & your life the possibility cannot be ruled out.

Life is for the living, memory is for the departed. If after a couple months you still can’t move forward much at all, get help. Otherwise, accept that time will carry you inexorably forward whether you want that or not. It’s been 19 months since my wife died. It seems simultaneously yesterday and an eternity ago. You’ll get there. Peace be with you.

16

Sorry you are going through this, @X.L.Lent. My father passed away unexpectedly a month ago on January 31. Even though I’m going through it right this moment, I don’t have any real deep advice or insight.

My mom had back surgery on Feb 20 and our lives have been revolving around this procedure, before and after dad’s death. Right now I’ve moved in with her to take care of her, something dad had been looking forward to doing. We have zero time to sit and dwell on losing him which is good…I think?

We do see him EVERYWHERE. I am not a believer in “woo” but dang, it feels like every day there is some sign from dad. And you know what? It helps. He’s in everything, he’s everywhere, his memory is here forever.

I really like what @LSLGuy wrote, I think it’s great advice and wisdom.

17

I am so sorry.

My dad died suddenly at the age of 54 of a heart attack. He planned on retiring at 55, which would have been one month after he died. He had always said that he didn’t think he’d live past 55. His father died at the age of 59 also from a sudden heart attack. What still makes me angry is that he refused to go to the doctor…for anything. He never had a physical. The evening before he died, he told my mom he was having pain between his shoulder blades. This alarmed her and she suggested they go to the ER. Nope - he wouldn’t go. He attributed it to being hunched over his workbench while he worked on a project.

The days following his death were hard. My kids aged 14 and 8 were very close to their Papa. So I had to be there for them while I myself was mourning. The whole thing was shocking, surreal, and heartbreaking. I took a week off from work and I remember the first day back, I felt like I was in a trance. It was hard to concentrate. For months after I would be driving and would suddenly just break down in tears.

He died 30 years ago and I still think of him all of the time. Don’t let people tell you that it goes away with time. It really doesn’t. He will always be a part of me, he is in my childhood memories.

Take time for yourself. Don’t push yourself to do something if you don’t feel ready. You’ll know when it’s time to get back into your regular routine. Your life has changed.

18

My condolences to all and thanks for sharing.

I think a lot depends on how old the parent was, their health, and the age of the children at the time. My wife’s mom died suddenly twhen my wife was 25, it was a terrible shock at the time and recovery took a while. Her father died about 20 years later and that was much easier, particularly since he had dementia.

Un my case, my mother died at the age of 90 when I was 64.
I had thought for a year that she was in failing health and could go at any time. She had a heart attack on Christmas Day and died a week later on New Years Day. The one thing that made it a bit easier is not seeing my father grieve, he had been in a nursing home for several years and by the time she died he wouldn’t have known who she was. The same year, on Independence Day, he died. He had developed sepsis and we knew his time was fast approaching. I saw him the day before he died, he only looked up at me for a moment and then fell asleep. In both cases it was hard to accept and believe, but as time passes it becomes easier to talk about them and remember the good times rather than their last years.

19

I had time to mourn both my parents before they died. My Dad had Alzheimer’s, so I took the opportunity to mourn his loss before he passed because the man who looked like my Dad, wasn’t really my dad any more. Now, this may sound morbid to you, but in fact, his Alzheimer’s revealed a lovely, gentle boy who fell in love with one of his carers, in the way he loved all his foster sisters when he was a child (or so I was told). It was love that was full of wonder. The whole family was there when he passed and a more beautiful passing, I could not imagine. I still tear up when I think about it.

My mother passed away from breast cancer. I accepted, long before she did, that this was going to be her passing and that it was going to be very hard. And it was. And even though she got her wish of dying at home, in her sleep. I still live with many regrets about our unresolved relationship issues 9 years later. And for 3-4 years, I kept having urges to call her and tell her about something she might find funny, or ask her questions about her family and childhood. I lost much.

You will probably swing from feeling numb to wanting to cry and wanting to avoid crying. Routine helped me get through the days. Dealing with all the tasks at hand immediately helped my brothers. Be sure to take any time away offered at work to deal with the loss and the effects of what needs to be done when there is a loss. Take walks. Every day. Notice the coming spring. Breathe. Go eat a food that your dad taught you to enjoy and think about your time together. Relive the good times.

Blessings to you. You have my condolences.

20

My mother did not make it out of her 60s, my father lasted to his mid 70s. Mom had been ill for some time and was fighting cancer. She fell a couple of times at home and the last time my dad could not get her back up. They took her to a nursing home, where she lived a few more weeks before she died. I remember the last time I saw her alive, and told her that we’d all be OK, and not to worry. I think she needed to hear that, because the next day she was gone. I got the call while I was at work, and since she was receiving hospice care by that point, I was not surprised, but still shocked. Especially when dad and I went to see her a last time. We cried together in the hallway, but at least her pain was gone. I had not been exposed to that sort of thing at all - I had never had a family member die, or a close friend. I had never been to a funeral.

Three years later, dad became ill and frail, but he was still living on his own in a senior apartment. He had dealt with cancer, too, and was being treated for anemia with blood transfusions. He passed out one day and was rushed to the hospital but was in bad shape. They tried to help him but at one point his care team pulled me into a conference room to explain the situation, and seek my approval for the morphine. A few hours later he was gone, too. I remained numb and confused, like the OP, for weeks.

I have not been the same, either, since their departures. It’s not something you get over, but you try to manage it. Losing a parent is like losing guideposts to life. I miss them both, but I had to move on with life and my own family. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be. As others are saying, there is no right way to grieve, so go easy on yourself and take care of yourself.

Oh, and I have still never been to a funeral.