Literally. She’s had cancer for over a year now and we thought it would just be a matter of time. I any case, her oncologist examined her after she was done with chemo and radiation therapy and announced that her tumor was less than half of the original size.
About five days ago, her pain got a lot worse and the doctor upped the dosage of oxy-contin from 20mg three times a day to 40mg four times a day. It didn’t do any good so they installed a morphine drip.
The oncologist still said she would have at least two to four months. Well, we put her into a hospital bed in her livingroom as she was unable to stand or do anything else. Unfortunately (or, as I like to see it), she died in her sleep sometime the morning of the 21st.
Personally, I’m glad she went this way rather than to linger in horrible pain for a couple more months. My problem is this. I amd finding it damn near impossible to let me feelings out. I’ve been comforting my wife and kids as well as doing the same for my brother and sister and their kids.
Anyone have any ideas? I’m not in the least bit religious so please no suggestions of prayer or the like…
I may not get back to this thread right away as I have to take care of getting together all the far-flung relatives and friends for the memorial service so please don’t think that I’ve ignored anyone that deigns to respond.
Oh man. Mad sympathy to you and your whole family. Give your kids a squeeze.
If you have a few minutes when you want to unload a little bit, you know where to find me.
I don’t know HOW to unlock grief…I’ve only had two relatives die, one I wasn’t very close to, and one was almost 95 years old. I’ve never had that kind of emotional impact smack me upside the head, so I have no idea what to tell you on that score.
The only way I know to help people deal with tragedy is to try to make them laugh. sigh I’m willing to try to just be a shoulder, tho’, if it’ll help.
I’m so sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you.
When we lost a close family member I felt I had to hold it together for the kids too. I waited until they were in bed and took a lot of time to think about the person that passed away and just let the tears go, it was still difficult for a while, but I’m glad I had a chance to let it out.
Bill, my thoughts go out to you and your family at this time.
Grieve when you feel comfortable, not when people say you should. Someone needs to make sure the arrangements are taken care of, that the funeral home doesn’t skimp or add on extra costs, that people are thanked for the casseroles and memorial donations, that no one gets left behind on the ride to the cemetary. IF you chhoose to be that person, so be it.
Take a walk through a garden, the beach or quiet area of your house. Meditate/think on her. Know she is at rest and peace. Remember her life. Talk to her. She will hear you now. Grief for her mixed with joy for her.
All in good time, man, all in good time.
[Just please, for the wake and funeral, dress her in something that no one else is likely to wearl. I went to a wake (viewing), and was wearing the same dress as the deceased. And she looked better in it than I did.]
I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss. I am happy your mother is no longer suffering in pain. I experienced the same problems when my grandfather died.
I have found that extreme physical activity that involves hitting or swinging motions helps me get to the point where I will let things out. The one that used to work best for me was chopping wood. The next best for me is punching and kicking a gym bag. I would focus on something I felt angry about. Find any part of my anger and go with it. Feed it, after a certain point, other repressed feeling would come out and I would get my release. I hope you find something that works for you.
My condolences. When my brother died I found that I, too, didn’t start the grief process right away. He had been ill and his death was inevitable, so perhaps I had prepared myself somewhat. It actually took about two weeks after his death for it to really hit me, and it did so in an unusual way. Mark and his partner had raised basset hounds and I happened to see one when I was out for a walk around my neighborhood. That’s what triggered it.
Grieving comes when it comes. Don’t worry too much about it. After you’re no longer needed to console your family you might find that it’s your turn to be consoled.
Sadly I have had alot of deaths in my family and I’ve found that when it’s time to grieve, it will just happen. Right now you are in high gear looking after others and the things that need to be done, and when things quieten down may be your time to reflect.
I’m sorry, Bill. I know you’ve got a lot of things to do right now, but I think it’s important to take some time to yourself and remember your mom on your own. Grief can sneak up on you at the strangest times, so be prepared for any range of emotions when you least expect them.
