So, my dad is dying. He was a horribly abusive father to me and my brother. My brother hasn’t seen or spoken to my dad in 20 years. I, on the other hand, quit my high-paying job, sold most of my possessions, left my friends and home and moved back in with my parents to help them through this.
Somehow my brother is the ‘good guy’ and I’m mostly treated like a semi-unwelcome house guest.
Me? Resentful? Noooooo…
Now that the ‘poor me’ is out of the way:
My dad’s lifespan can be measured in weeks at this point. He’s at the end stage of Parkinsons. He’s down to 93 lbs and spends most of his time either sleeping or coughing. I don’t like him. I don’t hate him or even dislike him at this point. Really, I’m ambivalent.
I also have a budgie (Fat Uncle Blue) who also seems to be unwell. I asked myself the other day “who would I rather be fully, 100% well, dad or Blue?”. The answer is “Blue”.
My mom seems to go between being angry and crying. I was not brought up to show emotion and there wasn’t ever hugging or consoling so I’m extremely uncomfortable with her emotions.
I also don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or act. I know what’s going to happen. The writing is on the wall. Once dad dies, my brother will (for the first time in 20 years) come to their house and my mom will see him as the good son coming to help her through her difficult time. Meanwhile, I’m here, now, in the trenches dealing with it all.
Yeah, that sucks. But remember that however you feel about it, you are ALLOWED to feel that way. I’m not saying that you have to bash the guy at his funeral, but don’t bash yourself over your emotions.
The funeral is another thing I’m going to have to talk to my mom about. Having a funeral, or a get together of any sort, will only highlight the fact that he lived his life as a terrible person - nobody will come.
But how do you bring that up? How do you say “hey, mom, nobody will come to dad’s funeral because nobody likes him”?
He just needs to be cremated and then his ashes can either be stored or spread and then that’s it.
There is no “supposed to”. There’s no owner’s manual, no user guide, that tells you the correct way to feel or act in your situation.
If you feel like your efforts are underappreciated, and your brother is inexplicably revered, is there a compelling reason not to bring this up with your parents? If they can’t bring themselves to appreciate your efforts on their behalf even when it’s explicitly brought to there attention, is there a compelling reason for you stick around?
You haven’t said anything about whether people like your mom, but if they do, they may show up just to support her - even if they didn’t like your dad.
This. Are there any among the affected living you care about? Focus on them. Chances are you’re all ‘survivors’ no? Funerals are for the living, there is no reason you should feel compelled to sugar coat anything about Pops if it means comforting the living. Alternatively, the last good chance is nearly at hand for you to hear about pre-you dad. There could be some insight to be had into why he was what he was. That wouldn’t excuse anything, but sometimes knowing why someone is an ass can take the sting out of the abuse.
Sorry you’re going through this Floaty. No real advice, but bear in mind the following :
There is some truth in the old adage “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” and it’s corollary “Familiarity breeds contempt”. Those that are around the most are often the ones most taken for granted, while those who are farthest are remembered fondly. It can suck, for sure, but it’s part of human nature.
A funeral is not for the deceased, but for the living. People may say they are going to “pay their respects to the dead”, but most often they go to support the remaining family and friends and/or to get support themselves. People will likely come to support you, your brother and your mom.
I don’t know why I don’t bring it up. I really don’t. Maybe it’s because that would be talking about how I feel and that just isn’t something I’ve ever done with family. Also, maybe I’m afraid of what her answer would be. You know “don’t ask questions if you don’t want to know the answer”.
It’s just how it’s always been for me. When my parents got a substantial inheritance last year, my mom gave my brother a cheque for $10,000 and told him that it’s a gift from both of his parents.
I literally didn’t get anything.
This week I finally have a week off for holidays so my mom took my brother on a mini-vacation.
I tell myself that I’m not responsible for their actions - just my own. And it seems like the right thing to do to be there for a dying parent.
That’s true and yes, she has lots of friends and lots of people who care about her and may want to show their support.
I don’t know that I have anything in particular to contribute. I dealt with a similar situation by being elsewhere and only coming home for the funeral. I guess I was the bad son.
When I came home for the funeral, we had a meeting with my mother’s pastor where we were asked to choose the music for the service. I suggested we have the choir sing Sam Hall, which actually was one of my father’s favorite songs. The pastor almost went for it until my sister showed her the lyrics.
I’m so sorry. My father was also horribly abusive, which no one in the larger community knew. My mother was an alcoholic to deal with it. Childhood was a misery.
As someone else mentioned there’s no right way to deal with this. Whatever works for you, you should do. From the outside, my advice to you is to leave. It’s not healthy for you be there. Gather your pets and possessions, reach out to your former co-workers and friends, and make like a banana. Split.
You don’t owe them anything.
You can’t force them to love you or treat you better.
Please take care of yourself and look to a long term plan that includes not being with them/her. It’s like eating your soul day by day.
You need to decide how much regret you may have if you just drop things now. How guilty you would feel, or more likely, how guilty you are going to think you should be feeling, in the months/years after the death and funeral. If you are the type for whom that level will be high, then the sacrifice of not just walking away is buying you a certain reduction of guilt/regret. Not a great trade in my book, but maybe for you.
Also, whatever conversations you are not having, you are living as if they did occur and with the worst possible outcomes. So having them is not likely to make things worse. I know no-one who says they wish they hadn’t had certain conversations near the end. I know a number of people who are glad they had those difficult conversations. You don’t have much time- what is it you are afraid of losing? But before you have the conversation, run through it in your head a few times. Know that you may not get what you want. But there is no downside.
The guilt and regret I would have would be immense. Walking away now is just not something that is going to happen.
I don’t feel like I need to have a last conversation with my dad. Years ago he apologized for how he had treated me. It seemed sincere, simple and to the point. He said “I’m sorry for making your life miserable for all those years”.
I feel like just having him in my life is more than he deserves and so I have zero guilt and zero regrets when it comes to him. I speak to him. Today we talked about bears. He has two other children besides me. He’s never met any of his grandchildren. I’m the only one who has anything to do with him.
To be fair, he hated both my brother and me the same amount. But I suffered the brunt of his abuse.
The blatant favourtism towards my brother comes from my mom. Maybe one day I’ll have that conversation with her but not now. It’s not the right time.
Today dad decided that he’s not going to eat or drink anymore because he just chokes on everything. The choking and coughing lasts for hours. My mom convinced him to make one last doctors appointment to talk about a feeding port but I don’t think he’ll do it.
If not, and he doesn’t eat or drink anymore, the end will be in a week or so I imagine.
I am sad but not for the loss of him. I’m sad for the loss of what could have been. It makes it so final that I’ll never know what it was like to have a good father. Sometimes a friend or colleague will be talking about something like “well my dad came over for dinner the other night”. It’s such a foreign thing to me. I moved out when I was 18 (to get away from him) and I’m now 48. In 30 years he’s never come for a visit. I just have never mattered to him. But, I guess compared to the things he did to me as a child, disinterest is the least of his flaws.
I don’t blame my brother for not having anything to do with him. I fully support him really. The resentment comes from my mom treating him so differently. In the 30 years that I did not live with them, she came to see me twice. I dutifully flew or drove to see them ever year. But she goes to see my brother every few months. Even when he lived in a different country, she’d fly down to see him. Sometimes she’s borrowed money from me to fly to see him.
If it was just in the past, I think I could get over it and let it go but it’s a constant in my life. Living far away for the last 7 years I was able to ignore it. But now that I’m living with them it’s always right in my face.
I guess in times of stress (and watching someone slowly die in front of you is so bloody stressful) lots of emotions come out. Is it misdirected anger?
You have a right to your anger, and no one should deny that of you. Without going into details, I’ve had something of a similar experience with the death of my father, and I had no idea how angry I was about the things he did to me and his utter failure as a parent to stand up for me, provide a sense od security and stability, or convey any values or expectations beyond constant disappointment even as he claimed unwarranted credit for the accomplishments I’ve had.
Please talk to someone—therapist, counsellor, priest, or good friend—and give yourself a chance to process through your emotions without judgment or expectation.
Get through the “end”, get through the funeral, then kick your mother to the kerb and go home. (I hope your budgie gets better, have you considered getting a galah? They are great birds, I have one)
Do not plan the funeral. No matter what you do, you will have done it wrong. Ask your brother to do it. Funeral directors are very helpful and will guide him through the process.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. My mother did the same thing with her abusive parents: annual visits out of duty, etc. It seems like a ridiculously high cost for peace of mind.
It sounds like the main issue isn’t your dad at all, but your mom. Can you talk to your brother? It sounds like he’s enabling the favouritism.
Right now is probably when your mom is least able to hear what she needs to hear. Perhaps, when your dad passes, you can say to her, “I am going to take a bit of a break from family for a couple of years. I know [Brother] will be there for you in the meantime, and I’ll look forward to talking to you in 2020.” Then do it.
I’m so sorry.