My father died today. I'm not in mourning.

These threads pop up often and almost always, the OP is sad. They loved their father, their dad was a good man, he will be missed. My thread is the opposite. My dad was a sociopath and a narcissist. He beat my mother (and the wife he had before her)- in fact, my earliest memories are of him beating her. He beat me and my two brothers. He used people up until they cut ties with him- it happened over and over. Most family members had quit having anything to do with him and he had very few friends. I hadn’t spoken to him in 19 years, and my younger brother had just told him a few months ago not to come to his house anymore. My mother left him several times when I was a kid and even divorced him when I was 12 but they got back together a couple of years later and were still together as of today.

My immediate reaction was “good” and “finally”. It feels like now maybe the dysfunction in my family can have a chance to be put to rest, too, and my mother can finally have some peace in her last years (she’s in her 70’s). By all rights, he should have died years ago- he had several heart attacks and strokes and smoked 2 or 3 packs a day for most of his life. If only the good die young, then that explains his longevity. My mother’s father hated him so much, he put a stipulation in his will that my mother couldn’t receive her inheritance until she was 60, thinking (hoping) that my father would be dead by then and wouldn’t be able to get at it.

Anyway, maybe in the coming days I’ll feel different things. I did grow up with him, he was my dad. There has to be something good in there somewhere. I’m going to try to not feel guilty for not being sad, or for only being sad because there was so much potential there, him being a brilliant genius who could do and fix anything.

I have gotten word that my mother wants me to call her. I haven’t talked to her in years because going around him had gotten too difficult and I felt like she made her choice. Even if I do call her, how am I going to sound sad? I can’t, but I don’t want to sound callous, either. What am I going to say?

I hope I don’t sound like a cold-hearted person and I wonder if anybody else has gone through this.

I haven’t gone through it personally, but a good friend has a similar situation with her father. Unfortunately, her mom (who she was close to) died first, so now dad is kind of on her hands. And she wants to be a “good” person and help, but the fact is, dad’s still a drunken asshat.

I know you aren’t sad, but don’t be surprised if you are sad eventually. You might be sad for any good memories you had, and for the lost potential in him as a person.

If it were me, I would talk to my mom. You don’t have to sound sad, just be there for her and take cues from her.
Anyway, thinking of you.

Yes. I have gone through it. My father was a horrible person. I will not go into the details. He finally died in 08. I found the obit online months after his death. I had an overwhelming feeling of release. I no longer needed to fear him. I have never cried or felt sad; there was no reason.

I send to you a hug. Not for his ultimate loss; but for you not having the father you should have.

I’m sorry; that’s really hard.

I did not feel sad when two of my relatives died. They had been sick, and suffering, and not in touch with reality, for years. I saw how much of a toll caring for them had taken on their closest relatives, and resented them for it, though they were victims of this situation, too. When they passed on, first one and then the other, it was such a relief for me that both they and their caregivers would be released from that suffering and that burden. People expressed their sympathies like it was some huge thing for me, but I had done my mourning for them long ago.

I don’t really have any advice, except that you shouldn’t feel bad about your feelings or non-feelings, and that you probably know someone who’s been through something similar and hasn’t been able to talk about it, either.

I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than 20 years. I doubt I’ll shed a tear when she shuffles off this mortal coil.

Don’t pretend with your mom. Call her if you can, support her through this transition, but don’t pretend to be sorry.

I know just how you feel. My father died a few months ago and I was giddy when I heard the news, and not the least bit sad to know he died all alone with nobody to call for help. Maybe not a normal reaction, but my father was a child molesting drifter who scammed people by claiming to be a wounded veteran. He never served at all, rarely even had a labor job for long. He was a party boy until about the time he dropped dead. He loved drugs, booze, and young women. He never paid a penny in child support and my mom struggled horribly. He was a very bad person. So I was giddy. I felt guilty about it for a few minutes, but then I continued being giddy. I felt like a weight had been lifted; the weight of knowing he was out there somewhere possibly hurting someone else like he hurt my family. These months passing I still feel nothing but peace.

Your mother will need help dealing with everything. Although it’s incomprehensible why she went back to him, she must have had her reasons and cared about him in some bizarre way.

Like you said, maybe this is the beginning of a healing chapter for your family.

Thank you everyone for your words. Especially you, Rushgeekgirl (and you, CT Damsel)- you seem to really be on my wavelength here. I just spoke for a long time to my long-time best friend, who hated him, and that really helped. I am going to call my mother in a while, once I have given myself and her some time to process, and my youngest son is home and I can pass the phone to him if it gets too awkward. My mother is not mean and never was, but she’s an emotional cripple and I’ve never been able to talk to her about feelings or important things, so that’s why I’m dreading speaking to her right now. I can see how living with him for so long forced her to shut down emotionally, so I don’t blame her for that, but it does make things weird.

Fortunately, there will be no funeral or memorial service- nobody would go, anyway. I’m kind of sad that there will be no grave. That ruins a very special plan that I’ve had for a long time.

I didn’t mourn when my old man died either. He had damaged our family psychologically instead of physically. I don’t really want to relive those days in this thread. I’m still struggling with depression, so I’ll instead focus on the positive and say Congratulations Alice! That black yoke of hell is gone and you can breathe easier from now on.

Were you going to take a dump on his grave? :slight_smile:

Did it involve tap shoes or toilet paper? :smiley:

I still have both my parents, whom I love dearly. My father’s parents, Nee-Nee and Pop-Pop, passed away a few years ago, and they were the most wonderful people I’ve ever met.

My mother’s father, though (Grandpa), is quite the bastard, and I doubt I’ll be sorry when he’s gone. Except that I wish I could get on better with him, because he’s not a criminal or anything like that.

Both of my parents were terrible parents, and they are both gone now. The struggle of dealing with my mother, in particular, is over.

I wish you peace, Alice the Goon

Thank you. I called my mother. I actually hadn’t spoken to her in about 10 years. It was okay. She didn’t seem too broken up. We ended up joking around and laughing, not about him, but just in general. I picture her going to bed tonight, both hands behind her head, smiling, like "“aaah”. And that makes me smile, because I escaped, but he was a son of a bitch to her for 50 years.

Happy for your loss. That even sounds bad.

Doors close and doors open. The closure of your father, might open the door to your mother. When it feels right, have lunch with her. Even if she is a few states away. I am sure you have plenty to share. And some of it may even be pleasant.

Thanks for sharing. And keep us deformed, okay?

I will be going through something like that some day. My mother was abusive but that was mostly because she was nuts at a time when people just didn’t get help for things like depression and various manias/phobias. I don’t dislike her; actually I love the old thing. But I haven’t had any contact with her since Dad died. So it will be an odd bridge when I cross it.

One more in the, “I hear ya” column. My dad was an abusive father when I grew up. I have posted before how I have no idea how I’ll handle the service when he passes.

Best wishes to you. Glad the call with your mom went well.

Good on ya for starting this thread. My own father was a wonderful man, and I miss him deeply still after 16-1/2 years.

However, I have often said if I ever discovered my mother was still alive, I’d be tempted to hire a hit man. Well, word reached me early this month that she did finally die almost two weeks ago. And like you, I feel absolutely no sense of loss or mourning. She was a horrible person who was never happy unless she was making someone unhappy. Probably nagged my father into his grave.

It’s hard to know what to say, I know. You don’t want to say “I’m sorry” because you know nobody’s sorry, yet you don’t want to say “Yipee!” because that just seems wrong. We should come up with an appropriate saying for this occasion.

Myself, I find “Good fucking riddance” to be appropriate.

That’s exactly how I feel. We’ll go with it.