Five years of dating, seven months of marriage and it all takes is a couple of minutes and you’re getting a divorce. I don’t want to get into the what happened in specifics, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out. It’s my fault. I got married to someone who mentally and verbally put me down me for years. I lost my self-esteem, my self-worth, I developed disordered eating and lost every bit of happiness. The depression I already suffered from became even more of a fog. I mean how much of it could be his fault and how much of it was me letting myself feel that way? I could never figure this out and it’s all come to a fucking head. I thought that’s what I deserved though. Then someone let me know that I was worth more than that and I took it too far. I’m not excusing my behavior at all. I’m disgusted with myself, I should have just left. Even though he hurt me a lot, he didn’t deserve that.
I am devastated. I’m 27 years old, we had been together for five years, and I feel like with more effort on my part I could have made it work with my husband, but I also feel like a lot of his damage was irrevocable. I am heartbroken in so many ways I can’t even explain, because I do love that man very much. I lost my job recently and my friends have all moved away. So it’s back home to the parents and try to find a job. I just don’t see a point to anything. My life seems to be over. I was waiting for the train to come back to my parents this morning and the tracks were looking pretty tempting. This is not who I thought I would be. I’m not looking for sympathy, I don’t think there is any to be had for me. Thanks for reading.
Tell me you don’t have kids.
Then tell me you’re leaving your guy who “who mentally and verbally put (you) down for years.”
Then come up with a plan to get your shit together and become something you don’t mind seeing in the mirror. I’d suggest doing nothing else until you’ve got tht plan.
But I’m just a very judgmental internet thing. Good luck with you. (sincerely, not snarky)
This is the key sentence of your OP. You made some mistakes (getting married to this guy being the biggest one), but either your marriage was going to end eventually or you were going to have a miserable life. So don’t beat yourself up. No, you shouldn’t have cheated, but the marriage ending is a good thing, not a bad thing. Take some time to get your shit together, and when you’re ready to date again, you’ll do everything a lot better with this experience under your belt. And the next time you date someone who puts you down, think “I should dump this guy” not “I should marry this guy”.
I can’t agree with this based on your OP. I see you made a mistake. I have a lot of sympathy for you and don’t see anything in what you wrote that can’t be fixed and healed. Please hang on. Please call a counselor when you get to your parents’ place. People come back from these kinds of things. Life can and does get better.
Suicide is a permanent answer to temporary problems. This, too, shall pass. Here are some crisis hotlines. Write them down or program them into your cell phone in case you need them.
1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-784-2433
You’re in New York right? I skimmed through your posts. 1-212-673-3000
Get in with your therapist as soon as you can. Make little dates to talk over coffee, go on walks, go to the gym, etc. with your friends or family. You know, the little pleasures of life. You’re not really in the proper state to judge how much sympathy you deserve at the moment, so wait until you’ve cooled down before you begin making judgment calls like that.
Godspeed. Know this: no matter how shitty you feel now, at least one asshole stranger on the Internet (this guy) wants to hear an update soon when you’re inevitably doing better.
I married the wrong person in my 20’s, and when I finally found the courage to end it, it felt like the whole world was coming to an end. I’d been with her for six years, and the dysfunction of our relationship had become such a huge part of my identity I had a hard timing imagining who I was without it. Eventually, though, gradually, I found a new way to be me. I wasn’t who I was before I met her, but I discovered the new person I was without her wasn’t half bad.
I know it sucks right now, because I’ve been where you’ve been. But it gets better, it really does.
Thank you for the kind and supportive words everyone. I have made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow, I told her what was going and she’s making some time for me. I suppose it is a good thing that everything has fallen apart, it just doesn’t feel that way, I guess because of how it has happened. I thought things could be fixed and that it would work out, but I sometimes things just stay broken. I know with more help I will get beyond these feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, but most of all the feelings of complete failure.
**The Hamster King **you really summed up how I feel: the dysfunction is the only way I know. I don’t know what to do with myself now, but I’ll learn.
And thank you drew870mitchell for posting those very helpful numbers. I thought about talking to someone immediately, but was too proud at the moment. Turns out I really needed that.
In addition to seeing your therapist and whatever other action you have planned, I recommend that you try this: Do something nice for someone every day for the next two weeks. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but, if they find out, or you tell anyone, it doesn’t count. Each night, recall that day’s act(s) of kindness. Do this for two full weeks. If you miss a day, start the two weeks over. (No offing yourself midstream, either because it takes **two complete weeks **to work). It’s harder than it sounds, too - you will have to consciously seek out opportunites to be helpful – anonymously (just giving a panhandler a buck doesn’t count). If you do this, things will look different and you will be different at the end of two short weeks.
This. I remember back nearly 20 years ago when my then-boyfriend and I broke up; he was really upset with me for leaving and I felt so guilty, besides having absolutely no idea what I was going to do without that relationship identity.
Remembering to say “Thank you, have a nice day” to bus drivers became a REALLY important thing in my life about that time. If I was being friendly and courteous to a stranger, then there was at least that one little half-second when I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed with despair at what a terrible toxic soul-destroying person I must be.
Shee-YIT I’m glad I’m not in my 20’s anymore. That’s anothing thing, followrivers: you just haven’t kicked around on this planet long enough yet to realize how possible it is to recover from things.
Yes, the recovery process changes you, and that can be a scary thing for young people who are miserable in their current lives but unprepared for a new one. But it will be okay. Every day, every hour is earned experience in how to live without your old assumptions that were making you unhappy but that you didn’t know how to live without. Just keep racking up that experience, and gradually you will come to feel at home in it.
People make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up over this one. You ended it badly, but what’s more important at this moment is you ended it. Your life is nowhere near over. You’re still young. And when the pain and the fog clears, try not to think of the five years as “wasted”, but as a learning experience.
Your life is certainly not over. In fact, at 27 you’re just getting started - and much better equipped for it you’ll be with the lessons you learn from this relationship. Best of luck to you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s difficult but you are the author of your own adventure. Be kind and patient with yourself and it’ll get better.
315,655,265 people in the US as of 5/3/2013. Let’s assume that close to half of them are male. That leaves many choices for a guy who supports your emotional needs instead of tearing you down.
I’m not trying to be snarky with that, but look, the world awaits you. Don’t look back.
A scenario like this happened very recently to my SO’s cousin E. Although they seemed fairly well put together to me, I’d begun hearing about strange beliefs and behaviors on the part of E’s husband. Elaborate conspiracy theories; rituals and seances to ask spirits for financial help; that sort of thing. Finding out that she’d been (er) sexting another guy drove him totally over the deep end. Kicked her out of the house, told her she’d never see her kids again (one of which isn’t actually his), started calling pretty much everyone they knew to tell them what a whore she was — I mean, everyone, not just joint friends but her siblings, cousins, coworkers …
Ugh, bad situation all around. Anyway. You’re not alone, this sort of thing happens, and by no means are you a terrible person. And despite what it seems things could be worse!
You are young enough to be able to throw it in reverse and then take off in a new direction with no problem. Fix yourself, there is no fixing him or the relationship. Soon it will be a distant memory. Don’t be ashamed about loving him, but be proud that you loved yourself enough to not allow yourself to be treated that way. Your life isn’t over. Not even close. You’ve hit your first big bump. You will get through this and over it, and believe me, you have no idea how many things are waiting for you up ahead to experience. Some are wonderful, some will break your heart, but all of them are yours for the taking. Go to your parents, cry, regroup, get a job, make some new friends and come out swinging. You can do it. Make your life the way you want it to be, not some sad story that this guy dictated.
