So you’re pitting this guy right? Well then pit him like you mean it! Let’s hear it. Get it out of your system. Recognize that what he did was bad, he is bad person, that he should be reviled. Recognize that he did these things, that he is to blame. Le him have it!
If I might make some suggestions, you could use ‘asshat’, ‘dickhead’, ‘goatfucker’, and one of my personal favorites, ‘cockpolisher’. Should you need an adverb, I recommend ‘dog fuckingly’, as in ‘so dog fuckingly stupid’. As for an adjective, try ‘shit-for-brains’, like ‘that shit-for-brains asshole’.
Really, you’re blaming yourself, you have to realize that he did these things, it’s his fault, not yours. Yes, you made a mistake, but you weren’t the one who hurt another person, a person he supposedly loved. It’s going to take some time, I know this from experience, but you need to stop blaming yourself.
This is how I felt when my marriage ended. He caused most of the issues, but I wasn’t an innocent bystander either. After some time now, I’m able to look back and think “Why the hell didn’t I get out sooner?!” But it’s hard. It feels like your life is over and there’s nothing left. Now I’m married again and realize that THIS is the way married people treat eachother. Good luck to you…it WILL get better!!
Your partner was an abusive asshole and nobody should have to put up with that. Good on you for removing yourself from the situation. My parents were an abusive alcoholic and a passive excuse-maker, respectively. They eventually divorced, but it took my mom years to wise up–and that was WITH intense physical abuse. Emotional abuse is much more insidious and hard to spot. I know firsthand how hard it can be hard to nut up (ovary up?) and “just leave” when you’re being victimized by an emotional abuser. It’s even hard to SEE that it’s abuse in the first place when you aren’t getting hit. But the wounds from emotional abuse go deeper than the surface pain of bruises.
However (there’s always a but), once you realized you were in an abusive relationship, you should have sought to end it. Cheating to make your partner break up with you is a bit cowardly. But still… you got out, and that’s the important part. Don’t beat yourself up, just don’t do it again. And if it’s any consolation, prisons and graveyards are filled with people who’ve made far worse mistakes. The important thing is to emerge on the other side of this setback a healthier and wiser person. Regret is a wasted emotion *unless *you use it to catapult yourself into emotional healthiness, and then let go of the regret. As long as you use this experience to become a better person and partner in the future, the relationship wasn’t a waste of time. In fact, I regard the 7 months I spent dating an emotional abuser to be the most educational experience of my life. And because I learned to recognize the red flags that signify emotional abuse, that will NEVER happen to me again. You can get there, too.
It’s a good thing you didn’t have kids with your partner (you didn’t, right?). The divorce should be fairly simple, as far as divorces go, since the marriage was short. Extricating yourself from each others’ lives may not be as easy, because you were together for so long. But you’ll make it. You will! And you’ll be a better person on the other side. It’s lucky you have parents to fall back on. Take advantage of this time to recover.
Whatever else you do, stay single until you get plenty of therapy and are ready to handle relationships like a mentally-healthy adult. That means being assertive but not controlling, speaking up if you’re being mistreated or marginalized by your partner, and breaking up with abusers if you’re unlucky enough to encounter one again. Some people end up with abusive partners over and over again, because they unconsciously seek out and reinforce the same patterns that they’re used to. Victims are never ready to date immediately after leaving an abusive relationship, but many do so anyway because “this time will be different.” No, it won’t. Doing the same thing expecting different results is the definition of insanity! Promise yourself that you’ll break the cycle for good, instead.
You should check out this link from the National Network to End Domestic Violence. It lists red flags that you can spot before getting too enmeshed with an abusive person. And keep up on the therapy.
Fresh home from therapy, is this wrong that this gave me a much needed chuckle? For some reason I can’t pit him now. Shit, I’ve been pitting this man in my head for years now. He has done some really shitty things to me, if there was a scoreboard I’m sure he’d be winning for the worst things one can do to a mate, but I just don’t think things should be tit for tat. I guess what I’ve been trying to tell him, he is still hurt/angry and texting me, is that ultimately yes I am responsible for the cheating I did those things, but your actions are the reason why. He seems to not understand how constantly telling someone about their weight to the point they stop eating, saying something such as “I’ll marry you, but I’ll resent you the entire time.” in response to an unwanted pregnancy years ago, and dismissing my issues can be extremely damaging to a person’s psyche.
I really don’t know why the fuck I’m handling him with kid gloves right now, I guess because everything seems so final now. We probably shouldn’t have gotten married, but we did and it failed and I think it’s natural to be upset at this failure and I need to understand that they aren’t mutually exclusive: it can be a good thing and I can be upset about it. Whatever it is, I am still very sad, but I can’t give up on life. Plus, I’m an only child who is going to take care of these lovely parents of mine letting me live on their couch again if I do something stupid.
Just editing because I responded after a post: No we do not have any children and I don’t plan on dating for a while.
That post sounded much angrier than I intended it to. Once again thank you for your words of kindness and compassion without being trite. It’s been a very lonely couple of days. I will have to say though **hotflungwok **that I most certainly am the one that hurt someone, just like he hurt me too. I am no innocent bystander here regardless of what he has done.
Truth. In abusive relationships, there’s a lot of (negative, unhealthy) give and take between BOTH parties. But hey, you can’t change the past. All you can do is try to be a better person in the future.
I suppose it’s useless to argue the point: infidelity is not a mistake, it’s a calculated betrayal–whether or not the betrayed ‘deserved it,’ the cheater is still the one who has a dishonorable place in their heart that can justify betrayal. It’s just a pet peeve of mine. Accidentally climbing into bed with the wrong dude is a mistake. Betrayal is betrayal; calling it anything else is the first step down the path of justification. Which is totally cool if you’re willing to consider infidelity acceptable whether you’re the perp or the victim.
EAT: I don’t mean to pound on the OP, she’s admitted what she did was wrong.
[Moderating]
Sorry you’re in a bad spot right now, followrivers. However, the Pit is generally not the best place to share this sort of personal trauma - there’s very few restrictions on what’s allowed here, and you don’t sound like you’re in a place where you need to be dealing with random internet assholes. I’m going to move this thread to our MPSIMS forum. Don’t take that the wrong way - despite the name, it’s the forum that’s best suited to talking about personal difficulties and getting constructive responses.
What an asshole! You should be glad it’s over and not a day too soon, because it sounds like it was headed for disaster at any rate. Taking responsibility is a positive sign for yourself, so it’s heartening to read that.
Eh, what’s done is done, and there may be some therapeutic benefit to unleashing those feelings here or in a journal, but if you were to call him and say “asshole fuck you goddammit go to hell quick fast and in a hurry” it’d just hurt both of you more. Not saying it doesn’t happen and it’s not a human thing to do. Just stay on the high road, one step at a time.
It’s going to continue to be difficult going, but I think you’ll make it, and come out a little stronger and wiser.
Bravo, seriously, a lot of people go their whole lives without owning their mistakes like this. That’s why I think you’re going to make it.
First off **Miller **good call on the move, I was worried the Pit was not the best arena.
followrivers, I’ll keep it short & quick - congratulations on having the intelligence to make a break and the strength to move on. Those things alone are sure signs you have the ability to live a great life ahead of you.
Many of us on the board have been fighting a variety of battles - and I can say with no doubt your story has already been told here as well. If you maintain intelligence, compassion, humility and honor you will prosper.
You are off to a great start. You are young. I can’t stress that enough, you are young. You have a lot of life ahead of you. There will be good times, there will be times that suck, but have no doubt as long as you free yourself from the bonds of an abuser you shall rise.
Yes, you made a mistake. Yes, you’re responsible for your own actions at the end of the day.
He sure as hell created an environment conducive to you having an affair, though.
Get away from this asshole, get some help (because you don’t want to end up with another guy like him a few years from now) and move on with your life. Everyone messes up.
I think infidelity is a symptom of a troubled relationship, not a cause of it. I don’t condone infidelity by any means, but my best friend cheated on her fiancee with another woman, and it led her to end the relationship. It has been years and she is still happy with this ‘‘other woman’’ - they are now married. I was somewhat pissed at my best friend, and I don’t think what she did was right, and I never minced words about it, but she had never cheated before that, and she hasn’t since. I think it was just a sign of a dead relationship.
The other thing I came in to say is, we have an Ongoing Depression Support Thread in MPSIMS. It seems to be working out nicely for us melancholy folk to share our experiences and commiserate. You might consider stopping by.
