I think effective communication as well as an epiphany on her part led to the reconciliation. The affair, (hers) turned my world upside down, forced me to look inward, the only factor I had any control over. Now I’m still trying to discover myself, 22 years married, kids grown (but still at home), new career, financial security, who knows what’s next.
So she cheated on you, you two broke up, she had an epiphany; now you’re back together? What was this epiphany? “He’ll let me do what I want and just roll over”?
While I have no experience at all with dealing with this sort of thing, I know anecdotally that it can be done. I think the most important thing to keep in mind with all relationships, and maybe especially one like yours, is the sunk cost fallacy. Don’t stay in a relationship if it isn’t working just because you’ve put so much effort and time into it. If it’s a good relationship, stay. If it’s bad and/or unfixable, leave. That’s my advice for everyone, not just you.
Although it’s not my specific problem, Marriage Builders seems to have a lot of resources designed to help couples mend relationships damaged by infidelity.
The interface is very clunky and I find it hard to navigate but you may find it worth the effort.
Good luck!
Sir, I hate to be the one to say it but I think we random internet strangers need more facts in order to give good observations and advice.
Nevertheless I wish you well in your future.
Don’t know if I could do it. But I admire you for trying. 22 years is too long to throw away until you know you’ve exhusted all means of fixing it. It sounds trite but I wish you luck.
Y’know marriages can recover from the problems, people can grow and improve themselves and lives can be repaired.
The more I read threads like these, the more I scratch my head at the heavy, heavy stress many Americans put on adultery. Some of the comments seem to imply that the spouse who forgives adultery should lose all (self) respect. I think that is harmfull bullshit, stemming from an unhealthy mix of machoness “sexual honour is good” and prudism “sexual indulgence is evil”.
There are many, many things that can be more important to a marriage succeeding, then sexual fidelity or lack thereof. I would rather that my husband keep his promises about doing chores, yet French kiss a co-worker on the mouth in the broom closet at the Christmas office party, then if he left the co-worker alone yet did all chores “when I get around to doing them”.
So to the OP; do you want to try and get back together? Does she want to? Then go for it. If I can recommend one very practical book, that deals with adultery but also with other matters, it would be this one.
Good luck, Peter Doubt and wife.
:(:(
Man, I feel your pain. Been there done that. I am now reconciled with my wife (she is a completely new person). Was married 7, together 12 when I discovered my wife’s affairs two years ago. I don’t know how recently you discovered things, but be sure to take care of yourself and understand that in no way are you responsible for your wife’s decision to stray.
Unfortunately, you are going to run into a lot of people that don’t understand how devastating adultery can be to your world and everything you valued (or thought you valued). Keep in mind that everything you’re feeling is normal and understandable (hurt, anger, hatred, sadness, humiliation, self consciousness, and on and on). It truly does turn your world upside-down. Everything you thought you knew is gone. Your old marriage is over, might as well start grieving that loss now. It is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with, including the long drawn out death of my father due to cancer.
Although many will criticize your decision to reconcile (and yet will minimize your suffering), the good news is that people can and do recover, and many, including me, say their marriages are better than ever after reconciliation. I can say it was the right decision for me.
Reconciliation is hard work, for both spouses, but you must have a spouse willing to put in the work on themselves and the marriage (and she must show true remorse, not just regret). Don’t reconcile out of feeling obligated or pressured, but because you want it. You truly can have a GREAT relationship again. But regardless of whether it works out or not… Remember, there are good days ahead, my friend.
As for recommendations:
- take care of yourself! Eat/drink plenty (even if you feel sick to your stomach), Exercise, Hang out with your buddies.
- Marriage counseling was a big help for me (but you have to have a good counselor, so you might have to shop around).
- Individual counseling for both spouses (she needs to learn the underlying issues that led her astray).
books that helped (And I would recommend your wife read too):
- Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
- His Needs, Her Needs by William F. Harley
- The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
- How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald
Also http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/ is a great, active community of supportive people that have been affected by infidelity. There is loads of good advice in the forums and healing library.
Praying for you! Best wishes,
Pyro
Are you kidding? Two people are trying to rebuild their relationship here. Human relationships are not black-and-white matters, and given that infidelity is one of the most common failings of human beings, a lot of people find themselves in the position of trying to figure out whether a relationship is important enough to try to get through this kind of trouble.
Frankly, the SDMB is the worst place to post about problems, especially relationship and work problems, because every single time you have packs of wolves salivating and shouting “dump the bastard/bitch!” or “just find a new job!”
Do these people really not live in the real world?
Yep it’s only Americans. :rolleyes:
This is all pretty silly, IMO.
I’m no sexual prude. I think that basically any sex between consenting adults is completely fine, and if someone wants to fuck a different person every day, then that’s great.
But concern about adultery is not simply prudery, and nor is it merely about sexual fidelity. An ongoing affair is not just a thing of the flesh; in many cases, it’s also an emotional relationship of its own, one that involves the sort of intimacy and trust that is supposed to be central to a marriage. Can you not see how that might upset some people?
If my wife were to “French kiss a co-worker on the mouth in the broom closet at the Christmas office party,” or even fuck some guy in a semi-drunken evening of revelry, i could probably get past it. It wouldn’t be easy, but i reckon i could do it. If, however, she had an ongoing relationship that involved getting together with the guy over an extended period of time, that would be something completely different altogether, because it would call into question the very reasons that we chose to spend the rest of our lives together. If she preferred to spend time with someone else than with me, it wouldn’t be our marriage anymore.
If I knew my husband were investing the time in another woman needed to have an affair, I’d be really upset. The sex would be secondary. Or possibly tertiary.
Maastricht, let’s put it this way. If your husband were having an affair, wouldn’t you wonder if maybe he was complimenting that other woman and doing things with her and in general doing all the things that you wish he did with you? Wouldn’t that bother you?
You silly Americans with your antiquated notions of honesty and fidelity. I can only laugh scornfully from my lofty perch of polyamorous European enlightenment! HA! HA! HA!
If he’d like to provide more information, I might be inclined to walk back my remarks. However, the OP gives the impression that it was his wife who determined whether or not they’d be together after her infidelity; not him. I understand the “gray” nature of relationships but it’s as if he played no role in his own whatsoever. Granted, this is only gleaned from the small bit of information given in the OP.
Very helpful site, and the books too. We were separated for 5 months and went through quite a bit of counseling together and alone. I lost 90 pounds (it was excess, now at a healthy weight) , started running, started taking care of myself overall. Don’t want to wallow in the details any more, I never stopped loving her. She’s here for me and understands that I’m rebuilding myself as we are building our new relationship.
He gave no such impression. Your lack of imagination automatically interpreted “she had an epiphany” as “she took me back”. While it may be accurate, it’s a damn stupid assumption.
Oh, and nobody gives a damn if you “walk it back” or not. We’re not all waiting with baited breath for your uninformed pronouncement.
Please excuse this nitpick: Bated breath
My fingers sometimes have a mind of their own. You’re absolutely right, of course.
I’ve been there.
So here’s the one piece of advice I have to offer.
It’s over, right? So it’s over. She’s got stuff she has to do, sure, but the thing you have to do is avoid the understandable temptation to bring it up over and over, to talk it to death. Even if you don’t mean it that way, it will come across as trying to punish her, to make her pay. And that won’t work.
It’s over. Bury it. Forget it. It never happened. It’s you and her, and you’re choosing to be together.