My sad story. Well, maybe not so sad.

So I broke things off with my boyfriend a couple of days ago. We had went out for nearly a year and I felt that it was just time for things to end. He had moved away for school and I for some reason can’t handle long distance relationships. So this whole last weekend was horrible - crying, throwing things, being depressed, and so on and so forth. I think it was particularly hard for him because I didn’t really have a concrete reason for wanting to break up - but I knew in my heard that things weren’t going to get any better and thats just the way it went. I didn’t feel the same anymore, fell out of love with him and couldn’t explain it.

So after being told that I was a “horrible person” and that he hates me and never wants to talk to me again, we parted ways for the last time. But even though he hates me and all that jive. He also said that he wasn’t going to be depressed over me because, in his words, “How could I want someone back that did this to me?”. I don’t think thats how he really feels. He sent my best friend an email telling her that they couldn’t be friends anymore. He told all of his friends that live in this town that he wasn’t going to come back anymore because all it would do is remind him of me and by the way he can’t stop crying and is an emotional wreck now. So if you ask me, that’s being depressed over someone. He also told me that “I’ve been hurt worse befrore” but in the email to my friend he said he has never been this depressed in his life. So to recap that paragraph: he is so upset over the breakup that he is going to abandon all of his best friends who would be more than willing to help him get through this.

Well, shit happens. I don’t see why I would want to stay with someone that I no longer felt the same way about. He told me that if I could just end things for “no reason” that it meant that I never really loved him. Yeah, whatever. Oh and I guess I have multiple personalities to boot. Because, didn’t you hear, a person can’t have different emotions ever. They have to feel the exact same way all the time. I don’t think I got that memo.

So I was pretty depressed for most of the rest of that day. Even though I was the one that broke up with him, it still wasn’t easy. And to top off the day’s events, the phone that I ordered on Ebay came that day, and it was totally different than the one that was advertised. I was crying my eyes out in the US Cellular place and I think I freaked out the lady that worked there a bit. Bah. So I thought that it was going to end up being a totally sucky day. Well I went to work and made 30 dollars, which is good considering I work at a restaurant and I only worked for three hours. Then my best friend called me and told me about a party that they were having and to come over to her house and I could go out there with her. So I took a shower and went over to her house.

And all I can say is this: That day was the best day of my life. After all the shit that was going on the first half of the day, the second half made it seem like nothing at all. All of my old friends were there at the party. Friends that I hadn’t seen in 6 months because I was so infatuated with the guy I was dating that I ditched them constantly. It was just like old times, and we all hugged and laughed and drank a little and sang a little and danced a little. It was perfect. And everyone there - absolutely everyone - was so glad that we had broken up, because they said that he had held me back for too long. And I just never saw it, and they were all right. And I made two new friends that night too - two friends that I feel could become among my best friends. It was so emotionally eye-opening that I can hardly comprehend it. And it wasn’t even anything special. I went to parties like that all the time, with the same people, before I started dating him. But it was the best day of my life.

I’m a better person because of him, I know it. And I know that he got a lot out of our relationship but doesn’t want to admit it. It still kills me that I hurt him so bad and caused him so much grief. I did love him and I still care about him but I know that there is no way I can help him. I will never talk to him again. But you’ll never hear me complain.

Oh, c’mon. Surely there must be something you’re not telling us. Did you give him a venereal disease? Kill his dog? Steal his car? Cheat on him with an entire sports team? Swear marriage and undying eternal love the day before you dumped him? Tell people he raped you?

Because it just doesn’t make any SENSE to tell one’s ex she’s a horrible person and you hate her and break off all of your mutual friendships just 'cause she couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship and had a change of heart. That would be overreacting terribly and would indicate that one’s ex is now way, way better off.

The first guy I dated told me he would DIE if I didn’t take him back. Funnily enough, he didn’t.

Do you eat babies, maybe?

Hmmm, lets see. Gave him a disease? Nope, I’m clean, got tested. Kill his dog or steal his car? Nope, why would I want a 94’ Taurus anyway? Cheat on him? I never so much as looked at another guy while we were together. Promise marriage? No way, but that reminds me of something else he said. When we were in the process of breaking up I asked him, “well did you honestly see us being together forever?” and he said “no, I thought we’d break up after a while”. HELLO! That didn’t make sense to me. If you think we’re gonna break up after a while, why not just do it now?

And I don’t understand why he does the things he does. I didn’t while we were together and I don’t now that we are broken up.

Well now that you mention it, maybe he found out about the time that I ordered the Roast Baby Fetus Club Sandwich at Arby’s that one time. I bet you’re right elf, thats what set him off!

Well, there you have it, then.

Sounds like it happened for the best. Ditching your friends for the last six months was not a healthy sign.

But I can understand his attitude. After all, you called it off, not him. He had the boom lowered on him, and it hurts. Can’t expect him to shrug it off.

At the same time, you’re getting on with your life, and that’s the weird way life works. You find yourself in the middle of the storm, and then you step away and realize people are living their lives, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and life is going on as usual. Since you’re joining the party pretty quickly, it seems like you’ve been over him for some time.

IME, many people who’re broken up with tend to be upset whether or not they mind the actual dissolution of the romance; I think they take it as a personal slight &, at that moment, overlook the fact that really, everyone involved is now better off.

Ummmm… raz, not to rain on your parade or spoil your newfound happiness, but perhaps you want to consider these things as well:

  1. Let me first get this straight up-front: If you broke up with him because you didn’t feel comfortable in the relationship and you didn’t see it progressing any more, good for you. Better that you recognize this now than when things are to the point where there is real, life-altering fallout.

Having said that,

  1. He’s hurt. You hurt him. He’s going to say things he doesn’t mean, and calling you a “horrible person” is likely one of them. That’s probably a little too strong to be accurate. However, if you don’t give him a firm and definite answer, you are being irresponsible. Even if your answer is “I cannot do this any more because I can’t handle long distance,” you owe it to him to be honest and direct. As far a “abandoning his best friends,” well, everyone says things when they are hurt and need to be alone. He’ll get over that.

  2. For this part:

You need to look at that a little more objectively. Upon a breakup, your friends are going to say whatever they have to in order to make you feel better. And they are going to take your side and your ex is going to be the “bad guy,” because somebody has to be the bad guy, and it obviously can’t be you, because you’re their friend. So it has to be him, and they have to insult him.

Whatever. If he did nothing wrong except move away, then let that be the end of it. He’s not a bad guy. And I doubt he held a gun to your head, forcing you to spend time with you. The relationship is over, your friends are trying to support you, and you deserve support. But that doesn’t make him a bad person, and for you to pretend that it does makes you shallow.

I’m reasonably certain that you’re pretty young- teens or early twenties, and I don’t feel like you, yourself, did anything wrong. You recognized a situation that wasn’t going to get any better for you and you moved in a different direction. That’s good.

But it certainly doesn’t make him bad. So concentrate on making good things for you come out of this, rather than dragging him down. Because he doesn’t deserve it, and, quite honestly, it’s immature.

Good luck moving on. It does get better.

Oh, don’t get me wrong here. I wasn’t saying that I was totally right and he was wrong. I realize that the things my friends were saying were really just pick-me-ups, but they did make me feel a lot better after the ex told me that everyone is on his side about the whole breakup thing and that I should admit that I was wrong.

And also, the friends that said that to me were not trying to make him look like the bad guy. However, the vast majority of my friends are people that the ex hated. Not just disliked, but outright hated. He’s not one to let a grudge go. Thats also something that I didn’t like about the relationship. He hated both of my best friends and that created friction. And he hated this one guy in particular so much (a guy that I wasn’t even friends with, we just had friends in the same circle) that he outright told me that he didn’t want me anywhere near this guy, even though the guy had never done anything to me. And since this guy was sometimes at my best friends house, the ex would say things like “well I don’t want you going over to her house because [insert guy’s name] might be over there”. My freaking best friend of almost 10 years.

I know I did things that were wrong in the relationship and I’m not coming out of this saying “I’m so perfect and he’s just nothing” or anything like that. He’s just one of those people that no one fully understands what they’re thinking.

This to me sounds like a guy whose pride was just stepped on. His childish way of telling everyone to leave him alone is from his embarrassment. He did not think you were going to do it and he just wanted a little more “something” until he was ready to break it off. Maybe he was waiting for the next one to come along. You never know, he might have been looking for someone else where he is now.

You must have good instincts. You probably caught on to the fact that it just wasn’t there anymore.

I’ll bet he expected to lower the boom on you and you would be all weepy and weak. Good for you girl! Now the next time you are in a relationship, take the biggest lesson you can learn from this. You know those friends you were partying with? Make time for them when the next lucky guy comes along. If he minds, dump him, not your friends. I know its an old cliche, but those are the ones to live by…

“Lovers may come and go, but friends are forever!”.

This sentence reminded me of Cynthia Heimel’s work. Some very funny feminist stuff in there.