I can't handle my life anymore, I really need help please.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Apologies for this being extremely long, but there’s a lot of things I need to get off my chest, and a lot of things that I need advice about.

Recently my boyfriend and I have been having some serious problems. I took a trip to Washington DC with my family and was gone for about 5 days, and when I came beck, everything was different.

A little background information: Me and my boyfriend have been dating for quite a while. August 7th will be our year and a half, if we make it that long. The main reason for the change is that he claims he needs his space, and time to hang out with his friends. Whenever we are both together, hanging out with his friends, I get basically ignored. This is why I don’t like hanging out with him and his friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love his friends, but I don’t like the way he acts towards me when they are around. And because I don’t have fun when its him, me, and his friends, he has this idea stuck in his head that I hate all of his friends. Which I most certainly don’t.

So anyway, the very first night I was in DC, he throws this huge party. He got so drunk that he didn’t remember a lot of things. There was this one girl there that I’m not too particularly fond of, and in a little fit of anger I accused him of cheating. Now i KNOW that he would never do that to me, and if he did, I’d have found out in about 2 days since I live in a small town that likes to gossip. The point is, that I never meant to accuse him of such a thing, and he won’t let it go. But it really upset me that he had a party when I was gone, and he rarely does stuff like that when I’m in town. It was like it was a huge fucking celebration of my being gone.

When I got back from DC, things had changed. He’s distant now. I’m giving him space and all, but he’s changed. When he kisses me, it’s just like a tiny peck then he pulls away. He won’t barely even touch me anymore. He used to be the biggest horn dog, now it’s like there is nothing there anymore. I love him more than anything and I don’t know what to do. I know he still loves me, because he says he does. He suggested a break, but I convinced him out of it. I said “If you want more time for your friends and we go on a break, then I know you won’t ever come back to me when you realize how good it is without me there.” and he just looked at me.

I’m only 17. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I know some of you will say “you can’t know what love is, you’re still in High School!” But I do know what love is. I know what it’s like to love someone unconditionally. I know what it’s like to have the one you love look into your eyes and tell you the same. I know what it’s like to love someone so much that you would die for them, and I know what it feels like to know that he feels the same way about you. He’s my best friend, not just my boyfriend.

He’s leaving for college in less than a month.

He said one thing that hurt me more than anything anyone has ever said to me, hurt me more than everything anyone has ever said to me combined. He told me “I just want to spend time with my friends before I go to college,” and I told him that was fine, but you need to spend time with me, too, because I might not be here for you when you come back if you don’t.

He said “oh well.”

Just like that, it was like he was throwing it all away. Everything we’ve worked for. All the love and good times we’ve shared. Gone like that.

One of my favorite memories of us was last 4th of July. We went to Santa Fe Park to watch the city fireworks, just me and him. We sat away from the crowd and just watched the fireworks show, together and in love. 4th of July used to be my favorite holiday, now I loathe the fact that it’s in just a few short days.

I just don’t know what went wrong. This hasn’t even barely begun to scratch the surface. What happens if we do break up? How do I move on? How do I take the pictures down? Just the mere thought of me touching another guy is revolting to me. He gave me so much. He gave me country music, he gave me tons of new friends. Now every country song makes me cry and reminds me of him, and if I hang out with any of those friends, he’s bound to be there also. How do I tell my parents? They love him like a son. He’s such a part of my family, and I’m a big part of his also.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. How do I make him realize that he’s the most important thing in my life? What can I do to bring things back to the way they were? We’ve talked about all this in detail. He’s always been the person I could talk to, could confide in. We’re tried talking this out but it’s just like we’re running around in circles.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. It’s not really going to do me any good. I really need to talk to his mom, and my aunt in Wichita, but I need her here, and she’s not here, she’s there. I know his mom can give me some perspective on this whole thing, she’s always said that I could come to her if I need help. I do need help. I need strength. I just need him to need me back.

I’m not just a kid. I’m an adult and I have adult feelings. I’m having feelings no honest person should have. I’ve eaten less in the past week than I usually eat in a day. There’s a huge void in me, and it’s not good. Not good at all. I’m falling, I’m falling apart.

2

This is going to be short and cruel. He is planning to forget all about you when he goes off to college. He is going to have a great, exciting new life, and you are not going to be part of it.

So you are going to have to find your own life where you are. You don’t have to touch any other guys until you want to, but this one is not yours anymore. Best friends don’t act like that.

3

Ditto. Print out this post and remind yourself to look at it in 10 years- $5 says you won’t even remember his name. Chin up!

4

This is what breaking up is like.
I’m not going to tell you you don’t know your own feelings. Love like this, young love, is very intense and powerful. I am going to say that it’s pretty much par for the course. I’ll also say that you will get through it, and over it, and you’ll be different for it.

You say you need him to need you back. Well, it sound like he probably doesn’t. I’m sorry to say that, but it looks that way from your post. And in that case, it’s wisest to say it’s over. Don’t knot your soul into the shale of a pretzel trying to chase something that’s already gone.

It’s tough and hard for you, and yes you WILL feel like there’s a void in your life, because the love and the relationship you had isn’t there. It WILL suck like the proverbial bastard. And THEN it will start to get better. It’ll get better at its own pace. It’ll start hurting less. You’ll start to enjoy things again, there’ll be a sliver of light at the window, things will look up. You WILL be happy again. That’s what happens.

It is the hardest thing you’ve done in your life so far. And you’ll get through it. You’ll be fine.

5

I was once him. I was happy about the memories that my serious high school girlfriend and I had and really cared about her but when college rolled around, the rules just changed. She figured it out when she went to school too. :shrug:

6

roadkiller, hon, there isn’t anything I can say to you that will make you feel completely better. Honestly – and unfortunately – there might not be anything you can say to him that will make things between the two of you better again. I speak from (heart-wrenching) experience.

I know what it’s like to love someone more than anything else in the world and to have that person feel the same way about you. I know what it’s like to have a whole future planned out with someone. I know what it’s like to have your best friend and your boyfriend be the same person. And, yeah, I know what it’s like to have that sort of relationship end. If that’s what ends up happening with you… well, I’m going to offer some unsolicited advice.

First of all, I think it’s completely normal to feel like you’re falling apart. After all, you’re grieving for (what could be) a huge loss. That sort of sorrow can be devastating and all-consuming. The thing about being an adult and having adult feeling, though, is that you need to continue to take care of yourself in spite of the crappy things that are going on. I know you’re probably not very hungry, but try to eat something; you need to keep yourself healthy, and cutting back as drastically on food as you are isn’t the way to do that.

Second – all those things he gave you? The music and the friends and the insight into yourself? You don’t have to give up any of that no matter what happens; you get to keep it all. That’s the cool thing about relationships, romantic and otherwise: we get to grow through them, and the things that we learned to love because of them can stay with us if we want them to. The same goes for all of the good things he saw in you, everything about you that made him love you in the first place. You’re still beautiful and talented and funny and sexy and intelligent, even if he isn’t around to tell you so.

Third and last (thank God, right? I’ve rambled long enough), whatever happens, it won’t be easy. If you and your boyfriend reconcile, it sounds as if there’s going to be a lot of talking to do. If you don’t stay together, it’s obviously going to hurt for a while. Will the pain last forever? I don’t think so… I think it fades over time, although there are moments when it’s still sharp and fresh; I don’t know if it ever disappears completely and absolutely. Does the love you feel for him vanish? It hasn’t for me. Maybe I love my former SO in a different way than before, but I still love him deeply; I’ve just realized that he can’t be my stars and my moon and my sky anymore, that I need to (and am capable of) keep on living without him.

I’m thinking good thoughts for you, roadkiller. I hope things work out for the best. If you need someone to talk to, my e-mail’s in my profile.

Take care of yourself.

7

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know how you’re hurting, and I know that you really love him, but he isn’t acting like he loves you. And if this is his idea of love, then he has a lot of growing up to do. Remember, this is his decision. He wants to be free - he throws parties when you aren’t around. When you are around his friends, he’d rather concentrate on his friends. He’s being very selfish and really doesn’t want to be tied down. If this hurts you, he doesn’t care.

This is hard - you’re hurting and there’s nothing I can say to make it better. Just know, you deserve someone who WANTS to spend time with you. Someone who treats you with respect no matter who’s around. And though you don’t realize it, you are better off without him.

Good Luck.

8

Well, I can’t answer all of your questions, but I can try to provide a little advice and perspective.

First, what I see here is a lack of respect from your boyfriend to you. Love doesn’t mean respect, in fact it often can lead to one person taking the other for granted. And when you accused him of being unfaithful, you were reacting to the hurt you felt inside.

So, when I see a relationship that is lacking in respect, I don’t consider it healthy, or expect it to last.

As to how you can move on, well, you will. I don’t doubt that you are in love. But until you lose love and discover that you are still alive, you may not understand how you can still function afterwards. Until you decide one way or the other how to go, the uncertainty will probably hurt more than losing him will.

There is nothing wrong with remembering what he was to you, and all of the things that he showed you. That hasn’t changed.

And I’ve got to say that you shouldn’t stay with him just because your parents like him. You are the one affected by actions and you get to decide.

What you probably shouldn’t do is try to use guilt (“you are the most important thing in my life” for example) to get him to stay. That will just make him feel obligated and pressured, and a relationship formed under duress is also lacking in respect.

You can try talking to him about your feelings, but I’m afraid that if he’s saying “I want to spend time with my friends” and that doesn’t include you, then he has different ideas about this relationship. Notably, that you two aren’t “friends”. I’ve always found it important to be friends with the people I love, it makes it much easier to spend time together. Lust fades, but friendship can grow.

Good luck. Do what is best for you.

9

As a wise person once said to me “Scrape your shoe and move on, Honey”. Also, please see my sig.

10

This is what folks in the know refer to as an “ultimatum.” As in, spend time with me, or else. Some folks would also call it a “threat.”

This would be the response that those who make ultimatums have to anticipate.

What I’m trying to say is you (inadvertantly) asked a question and got an answer you didn’t want. Sometimes this happens. It sucks every time. It will probably happen again. It will suck then too. You WILL get over it, go on dates with other boys and have other friends. Really.

This confused me a little - what have you “worked” for? Marriage? Children? Buying a house together? It’s hard, but try to keep a bit of perspective. He hasn’t left you alone, a single mother with no education, unable to support herself or her children. He’s just going to college.

You’ll break up. You’ll move on. You’ll remove the pins and take down the pictures. In a while (maybe a long while) a fella will come along and you won’t be revolted.

Now this here is a problem. You can’t lay the responsibility for your happiness on someone else shoulders. The most important thing in your life has to be you. Your studies. Your hobbies. Your friends. Your future career. These are the things you need to focus on - it’s not this boy’s responsiblity to be your life - you have to find your own niche with or without him.

Incidentally, things will NEVER be the way they were.

Well, no. I can promise that almost all the people on the board have felt like this at some time or another. You’re not alone - everyone feels like crap when an important relationship ends. You WILL move past this and start to feel good again.

Take care of yourself. Be nice to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up about things. He’s a young man. He wants to do young man things. This is not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on him.

You can continue to be a happy loving person without him in the picture. You won’t believe me now, but in time, you’ll get there.

Good luck.

11

The most important person in this whole matter is you. If you are not happy with what he did, or is doing then your best bet is to break up with him (as hard as it may be) and try your best to move on.

You are acting like an adult in this matter. Your upset and have asked for advice. I think the boyfriend is the one acting like a child here… A quote:

Spending time with your friends is important (Og knows I spend enough time with mine), but when he wants to spend all of his time with them, its a problem. If Mrsrobgruver spent all her time away from me I would be pretty upset as well.

I am going to sign off now, but know that you have my love and support. Drop me an email if needed.

Chin up,
Rob

12

Well, she said they’ve been together for nearly a year and a half, so I doubt she’ll forget his name, but good point.

I would like to second everything said by Tansu.

Ditto also to the offer of e-mail (or AIM) if you need someone to talk to - I’m your age, and I’ve been through similar things, I can lend a sympathetic ear.

13

The “oh well” was the big clue. You told him that you might not be around for him, and he basically said that he didn’t care. He meant for that to be breaking up with you, I’m sure.

I’m sorry, I know it hurts. Early in college, I had my long-distance relationship go sour via the “ignore her and she’ll go away” method; many years later we reconciled as friends only, and he admitted that he’d acted that way because he was too chicken to break up more formally, and he had thought it might hurt me less if I got fed up and dumped him (which I did do). We had been going out for a few years as well (started in high school), and I was thinking marriage and everything. But people grow apart sometimes, especially when they’re that young, and that’s what happened to us for the most part. (There’s other stuff involved too, but it’s irrelevant here.)

My advice is to stop contacting him, just break it off cleanly and say goodbye. Don’t drag it out, don’t beg, don’t argue. If you’re close to his mom/etc, you might want to call or send an extremely polite and unaccusatory note saying how you enjoyed their company but the relationship has dissolved. I know, you don’t want this. I hate to say it, but it truly looks like he’s intending to hurt you. Maybe he’s got good intentions behind it (like in my example), but that’s beside the point. He’s made up his mind, and if you bring up stuff, I am willing to bet that he will try to turn it back on you - “you ignore me around your friends”/“you’re just jealous of the time I spend with them”; “you partied when I was gone”/“you’re jealous again, look at that BS accusation of cheating”, etc.

As for how you’re feeling, I know it rips your heart out. I felt so deeply for that guy as well, and was depressed. Have a good cry. Write out your feelings in a journal. Write a letter to him, sleep and read it the next day, then burn it - do not send it no matter how well you think it describes your feelings! He might well take it as support for what he did (“look at her, she’s obsessed”). You’ll eventually - and I won’t lie to you, it might well take a rather long time, as bitterness can linger - get over him, and find someone who makes you begin to forget about that other guy. Unlike what Blonde said, I do remember his name, but I don’t remember it with disgust and bitterness any longer. Even before we talked, it had begun to change into some fondness for the good times and just a little sorrow that it went sour in the end.

I’m currently married to a wonderful man who was a “rebound guy” for me. I wish you luck, and if you need to talk to someone, my E-mail is in my profile.

14

Bluntly, you didn’t have to write anything after that.

IANARE (relationship expert); however, every time I have ever heard someone say this, it seems to be code-speak for “This is over, and I’m about to move on.”

15

Love changes sometimes, and sometimes it even ends. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t real or valid. It just doesn’t always last forever.

Even the most attractive, nicest, most successful people get their hearts broken. It’s part of life. It’s a hard part, to be sure, but it happens to just about every single living person on earth.

While I am sure your situation has some unique elements, your description of the recent changes sounds heartbreakingly familiar to me. I’ll bet I am not the only one. I believe you two are headed for a breakup. It will be hard to adjust to the changes, and it will be hard to let him go. But you will do it, because we all do it.

Right now he is the only one you want. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll get back together. But it won’t be due to you hanging on to him now, or trying to keep him from meeting new people, or engaging in emotional blackmail. I know you want to cling to him, but TRUST ME–your clingy self is not your most appealing self. It just isn’t. You may get his pity, but you won’t have his respect. Be strong, let him go, hold your head up, and test out some coping skills.

I wish to GOD I’d had that figured out. I was still being Ms. Clingy into my 20s.

16

Thanks everyone for the advice. Serendipity, you made a hell of a lot of sense. Especially the part about keeping the things he’s given me. That’s a good thought for me to have.

I just wish I could write down everything from the beginning, but there’s just too much. We had always talked about college and planned on staying together. I know it was stupid to think about things so early, but we talked about having kids, and where we were going to live after college and such. Talked about how he was going to move in with me after he graduated college since I’m planning on going to vet school and would still have a few years of school left when he graduated college.

I’m not a party girl or anything - I just always thought it was more fun to just hang out with him and watch movies and whatnot than go out all the time. It’s not like we don’t still do stuff together - just not as much. I’m not totally out of his life, just not as much in. It’s just gonna be hard.

Thanks again for the reassurance. I’m definately going to have to get in contact with some of you, but now’s just not the time for me. I love you all very much, and thanks again.

17

advice: Don’t be wreckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people who are wreckless with yours.

18

So, because your boyfriend left you you are going to fall apart and what… do something stupid? Sorry but he really isn’t worth doing that over. I’ve been through stuff much worse and I’m still here today, doing OK.

My advice: start eating or you will become ill. Occupy yourself to take your mind of your situation. Go out more with friends. Move on.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I’m just speaking my mind.

19

I go out with my friends all the time. And It’s not like I’m choosing to not eat, like trying to get sympathy or something. My appetite’s just not there. I ate like 1/3 a box of macaroni today and felt like puking.

I’m not anorexic or bulemic, nor have I ever been. I’m just trying to get advice, trying to see what the best way I should go about handling this.

Thanks again everyone. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, but it just seems like it.

20

Buy a motorcycle.