Apologies for this being extremely long, but there’s a lot of things I need to get off my chest, and a lot of things that I need advice about.
Recently my boyfriend and I have been having some serious problems. I took a trip to Washington DC with my family and was gone for about 5 days, and when I came beck, everything was different.
A little background information: Me and my boyfriend have been dating for quite a while. August 7th will be our year and a half, if we make it that long. The main reason for the change is that he claims he needs his space, and time to hang out with his friends. Whenever we are both together, hanging out with his friends, I get basically ignored. This is why I don’t like hanging out with him and his friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love his friends, but I don’t like the way he acts towards me when they are around. And because I don’t have fun when its him, me, and his friends, he has this idea stuck in his head that I hate all of his friends. Which I most certainly don’t.
So anyway, the very first night I was in DC, he throws this huge party. He got so drunk that he didn’t remember a lot of things. There was this one girl there that I’m not too particularly fond of, and in a little fit of anger I accused him of cheating. Now i KNOW that he would never do that to me, and if he did, I’d have found out in about 2 days since I live in a small town that likes to gossip. The point is, that I never meant to accuse him of such a thing, and he won’t let it go. But it really upset me that he had a party when I was gone, and he rarely does stuff like that when I’m in town. It was like it was a huge fucking celebration of my being gone.
When I got back from DC, things had changed. He’s distant now. I’m giving him space and all, but he’s changed. When he kisses me, it’s just like a tiny peck then he pulls away. He won’t barely even touch me anymore. He used to be the biggest horn dog, now it’s like there is nothing there anymore. I love him more than anything and I don’t know what to do. I know he still loves me, because he says he does. He suggested a break, but I convinced him out of it. I said “If you want more time for your friends and we go on a break, then I know you won’t ever come back to me when you realize how good it is without me there.” and he just looked at me.
I’m only 17. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I know some of you will say “you can’t know what love is, you’re still in High School!” But I do know what love is. I know what it’s like to love someone unconditionally. I know what it’s like to have the one you love look into your eyes and tell you the same. I know what it’s like to love someone so much that you would die for them, and I know what it feels like to know that he feels the same way about you. He’s my best friend, not just my boyfriend.
He’s leaving for college in less than a month.
He said one thing that hurt me more than anything anyone has ever said to me, hurt me more than everything anyone has ever said to me combined. He told me “I just want to spend time with my friends before I go to college,” and I told him that was fine, but you need to spend time with me, too, because I might not be here for you when you come back if you don’t.
He said “oh well.”
Just like that, it was like he was throwing it all away. Everything we’ve worked for. All the love and good times we’ve shared. Gone like that.
One of my favorite memories of us was last 4th of July. We went to Santa Fe Park to watch the city fireworks, just me and him. We sat away from the crowd and just watched the fireworks show, together and in love. 4th of July used to be my favorite holiday, now I loathe the fact that it’s in just a few short days.
I just don’t know what went wrong. This hasn’t even barely begun to scratch the surface. What happens if we do break up? How do I move on? How do I take the pictures down? Just the mere thought of me touching another guy is revolting to me. He gave me so much. He gave me country music, he gave me tons of new friends. Now every country song makes me cry and reminds me of him, and if I hang out with any of those friends, he’s bound to be there also. How do I tell my parents? They love him like a son. He’s such a part of my family, and I’m a big part of his also.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. How do I make him realize that he’s the most important thing in my life? What can I do to bring things back to the way they were? We’ve talked about all this in detail. He’s always been the person I could talk to, could confide in. We’re tried talking this out but it’s just like we’re running around in circles.
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. It’s not really going to do me any good. I really need to talk to his mom, and my aunt in Wichita, but I need her here, and she’s not here, she’s there. I know his mom can give me some perspective on this whole thing, she’s always said that I could come to her if I need help. I do need help. I need strength. I just need him to need me back.
I’m not just a kid. I’m an adult and I have adult feelings. I’m having feelings no honest person should have. I’ve eaten less in the past week than I usually eat in a day. There’s a huge void in me, and it’s not good. Not good at all. I’m falling, I’m falling apart.