I have a basically sociopathic personality, and have very, very little empathy for other people. But I know exactly how you feel when you say this. Everyone does, because everyone has been though it and it’s totally, completely normal. Don’t feel like you’re doing something wrong by feeling the way that you do.
The best way to go about it is to move on. But that doesn’t mean that you have to do it now, to just stop crying, and go find another guy. Feel the feelings. Go ahead and feel bad, depressed, rage against the world, think that you’re never going to be happy or fall in love again. Feel all of those things, feel them intensely, and then when you realize you don’t feel them as intensely anymore, then you cn move on and go on with your life. Don’t think you have to “get over it” though, which is what a lot of people will tell you to do if you do break up. Eventually, you will, but getting told to get over it implies that he natural cycle of grief is somehow abnormal, and the complete opposite is true.
God, I wish there was a magic Get Out of Slump free card for this sort of thing roadkiller, but as someone who could’ve very well written your OP word for word, I know that it’s all a matter of time.
The worst thing that you can do is to idealize this boy and your relationship with him. It’s not perfect. It wasn’t perfect before. It had faults, as all relationships do.
At 24, I’ve been through a couple of break-ups that left me with no appetite, no self-respect and no idea what to do next. In living through these situations and coming out better off than I was before (minus a few emotional bumps and scratches), I’ve learned that there are only two things I can say to myself to make snap out of it.
“This only sucks so incredibly bad because it’s happening to me right now. When I was 5, I fell and scraped my knee up and that was the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me. I cried because it hurt and I didn’t think it would ever stop hurting. I cried because I thought I’d never be okay again. Looking back, I know it was an inconsequential event and I can’t even locate that emotion that I felt so clearly as a broken 5 year old. In time, this too will be that inconsequential. In time, I won’t remember feeling like this and I will be okay again.”
The other is
“This too shall pass.”
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve breathed that phrase through gritted teeth. It’s absolutely true though. All things will pass, whether we want them to or not. When I begin to obsess over how temporary the good things are, I try to remind myself that the bad stuff is temporary as well.
In the meantime, I echo the journal sentiment. Get it all out. Write until your hands are cramped and cold. You’d be surprised how useful getting it all out on paper can be.
Keep reminding yourself of that. I’m just getting over a break up now and I’m happy to say that at 25, I’ve got a lot more perspective and it’s not nearly as soul-destroying as the break up of my long term relationship at 18. I know there will be more. Hopefully I’ll be older and have more perspective then I do now.
It hurts like hell but, I’ll say it again, this too shall pass.
And you’ll be a stronger person because of it.
On a side note: pay very careful attention to your behaviors w/ him. I look back at some of the clingy stuff I’ve done w/ men and cringe. One general rule of thumb: think about any action you want to take overnight. You’re guranteed to be in a better state of mind in the morning.
The guy is planning to leave you. He cares about your feelings, but is not forthcoming because he does not want to be unnecessarily confrontational. To him, going off to college is the perfect opportunity to allow the relationship to come to its inevitable conclusion.
“Losing love is like a window in your heart.
Everybody sees you’re blown apart.
Everybody sees the wind blow.”
That’s from Paul Simon’s Graceland, and the words give me a great deal of comfort, because to me they mean that all of us who have been hurt by love or by love unrequited share a common bond. And no, we may not all be going to Graceland, but we’re all going to the same place: somewhere better at some time in the future. And so it will be with you, my young friend. I’m convinced of that.
Serendipity has it exactly right and I offer her and all the others who have posted in your support my hands in forming a loving circle around you tonight. Be strong and take advantage of all the e-mail offers you have had in this thread. They weren’t made lightly.
I’m a little late getting here roadkiller; most of what I could offer has been, already.
You’re doing fine. I know, it doesn’t feel quite that way at the moment. Think about what Serendipity said - you take forward a lot of what you’ve learned through experience that doesn’t go away even if the relationship does.
It’s doubtful that any respondent to this thread is not speaking from experience. Almost all of us who are not privileged to lead a fairy tale existence eat a couple or so broken hearts. The first one’s the hardest, generally.
Emotional pain is quite real, and manifests in ways that you’ve described. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you; you’re just recovering from your first broken heart.
He’s tired of you. You’re available at this point but that’s about it.
I know you feel like you’re in an adult relationship because you’re having sex and you talked about making life plans together etc. , but you’re not. You’re both teenagers and both your behavior and his sounds very much like typical teenager game playing. Trying desperately to force him to commit to you is pointless and will only drive him away faster. The other posters are correct. It’s over. He’s getting ready to move on you need to also, I don’t know that involving his mom at this stage of the game is really going to accomplish anything positive with respect to the way he feels at this point. I suspect it would do the opposite.
Dump his ass now before he gets the chance to dump you: and yes, he’s going to.
Do NOT talk to his mother and for the love of God don’t give him the “you’re the most important person in my life” speech. Guys hate that shit, especially teenage ones. All you will do is come off looking desperate – and maybe even nuts if you talk to his mom. The quickest way to scare a man off is to be more in love with him than he is with you and let him know it. Even if you’re more in love, he should never know it.
And sweetie, you’re 17. Yes, practically an adult but still oh so young. Did you really think you two were going to marry and run off into the sunset? You have 4-5 amazing years ahead of you: college! Start college single and HAVE A BALL!!! College is THE prime time to be single and out there in circulation.
And if it hasn’t already been said, I guarandamntee you that there will come a day where you will thank God that you two broke up. Get a little bit of time and distance under your belt and you’ll see him for who he really is: a potential alcoholic who will never find anyone better than you.
I do want to second what someone else said about feeling your feelings, however there comes a time where you have to resume life at full pace. With my first broken heart I laid around for months, wrecked my GPA, had absolutely no life/no fun – now I look at this guy and think “what the hell was I so upset about?” Give yourself a set amount of time to be all bummed and cry and read his love letters, etc. – say, a week. Then get rid of all the stuff he gave you and stay busy. This guy hasn’t been particularly sweet to you and it would be a shame if he found out that you were pining over him: don’t give him the impression he’s worth your time
And yes, you will get through it, I promise. Who knows? Maybe the very next guy you go out with will be “The One.” Happened to me.
From the other side of the fence…I’ve gone through this with a boyfriend before, except I was the one who wanted my space. Though the relationship continued for a month after that, it was purely due to inertia. I had mentally called it quits by the first time I chose to tell him I wanted to spend less time with him. It just took me a month or so to work up the emotional energy to drop the axe. I’m almost certain this is what’s going on with your boyfriend, too.
Do yourself a favor–just call it off. Don’t put yourself through the agony while he waits to get up the gumption to finally tell you he’s dumping you. Make a clean break.
Then, even if you want to stay friends with him, spend several months (at least) completely apart. You’ll need that time to heal. Let yourself grieve, and then let yourself move on.
I promise you, it will happen. I’ve been in your position too, and it’s amazing just how different things will seem a week, a month, a year later. You’ll get over him, and you’ll move on and fall in love again when you’re ready.
Hey everyone - thanks again for all the advice. Some was a little harsh but you know what, I needed to hear it. I’ve settled down a lot since I’ve written this. I still don’t know at this point what’s going to happen, but it’ll work itself out.
I kind of get the feeling that I came off as some emotionally insecure clingy girl, but I’m really not lke that. Whenever I get some really strong feelings, be it anger or sadness or happiness, I just write whatever comes to my mind. A lot of times I’ll look back on it later and can’t remember writing most of it.
But thanks a lot everyone. I love you all, this has been hard on me and you all have helped me more than you will know!
It’s good to know that you are feeling a little better.
The most loving thing that you can do for another is to encourage that person to do those things which make her or him happy. And the best thing that you can do for yourself is to learn how to make yourself happy. Take control of your own life, not his.
There’s something actually useful that I heard on Love Line once: You will not marry the person you dated in high school.
I know that many people will be able to come up with an exception, but I literally know of one couple who’s married who dated each other in high school. This includes my relatives and my friend’s parents AFAIK.
It does truly suck to go through this. I did something similar; I committed too much to someone at an inappropriate point. Then when you don’t get what you want, you are really torn up.
Notice that everyone here says that we acknowledge that it really does hurt, but that it’s unfortunately pretty normal, and that in a while you really will be able to date again and really mean it.
Many people here have hit it one the head, but just having gone through a breakup within the past two months, I felt I had to chime in, too.
Everyone here is right. He is breaking up. It might not happen cleanly, it might take a few reconciliations and fights to completely end it… but unfortunately it’s probably over. Jerry Seinfeld said, “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine: you gotta rock it a few times before it completely falls.”
Here are a few random thoughts I have regarding your situation:
You thought you were an adult before? Wrong. Think of this breakup as your gift basket as you enter adulthood. Unfortunately, you can count on getting a few more baskets down the road. They always suck, but something good always comes from it.
Watch “Swingers.” If you’ve already seen it, watch it again. You’ll see it in a whole new perspective. Granted it’s from a guy’s perspective, but the issues it covers are universal.
After my GF (of 3-1/2 years) and I broke up several weeks back, I did the same thing you did and got all my emotional crap out in a post here. I put it in the Pit because it involved a lot of cussing. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=185173 – I just re-read it, and it made me laugh). At 28, breaking up is still a painful experience, but it’s been about 6 weeks since we ended things, and right now, I feel like life is beautiful. It’s summer, girls are flirting with me (and more importantly, I can-- with a clear conscious-- flirt back!), I’m re-establishing friendships that’ve drifted apart. It’s awesome. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t times I think about calling her, or there aren’t nights where she’ll pop into my head as I’m drifting to sleep-- but overall every day gets easier.
Cry. Let it all out. It can feel sooooo good. I cried for the first time in like 6 years recently and, damn, did it feel good. In fact, it took me about a week and a half after my GF and I broke up before I could work out some tears (which in itself made me sad that it took so long), but once they came-- whoa nelly, it felt good. I am totally amazed at how good it felt.
One the other hand, if I don’t cry again for the rest of my life, that’ll be fine by me.
Hang in there, killer.
roadkiller you have two things going for you right now.
You are only 17. Yeah, it’s a cliche but you have your whole life ahead of you. Yeah, yeah but the words don’t really heal the pain you feel right now.
But something else does …
The folks here at the SDMB who have responded to you. Yup, some of what has been said is a bit tough to take. Go reread all of the posts so far. Quite a bit of good advive. You said as much in a later post. And even with such tough words, notice how they are all delivered with gentle hands and open hearts?
Many of us have stood where you are standing right now, at your age, and in some cases, even older. OK, here comes the been there, done that, cliche, too. And even in saying that, notice how none of us have left you alone? Others before me already have offered sound advice and concern for you, yet the posts just keep coming. That should tell you something – in reality, total strangers to you are responding with care and kindness, graciously willing their virtual shoulders for you to rest a bit, and with words you know you need to hear.
Let us know how you are doing. You don’t need to always respond right away just to keep this thread near the top of the heap. Allow yourself time for the thoughts expressed here to soak in. Get on with daily living. Take care of yourself. Sure, you really don’t have an appetite right now. That’s OK. Just remember you must eat the meat, potatoes and veggies to maintain a good physical health.
Decent food will also help emotionally, too. And don’t worry about the emotional part. Keep your body healthy and come here for the emotional health. The Dopers here will feed you the emotional support to get you back on your feet. Just be aware some of the emotional medicine may have an icky taste – for some reason the good medicine always tastes crappy going down but it does heal.
All of the above (and more) care about you. Like Duckster said. And Quasi said, it is no light thing for people here to offer their email and messenger to you. Take good care. Let someone know how you’re doing!
—skyzoo…and…
I dated my first love throughout high school (I was 16 when we first started dating, he was 16, and we broke up at the end of our first year of University, at 19.) It was pretty much the same story. Everything was wonderful, we talked marriage and all that (ACK!) and I loved him with every bone in my body. But, surprise surprise! During our first year at university things changed. He started making new friends, becoming popular with other girls, and decided that he didn’t need me anymore. But, instead of reading the signs, I stayed with him while he had a three month affair . If I had just broken it off I would have saved myself so much heartache.
I didn’t eat properly for weeks, sat in my room and cried, screamed at my poor mom and my dog. But, as others have said, this too shall pass. I gradually started going out with my new friends from university, met a lot of nice boys and had some fun dates, and discovered myself again, that part of me that wasn’t just one half of a couple. And when I started seeing someone else (nothing serious, but a lot of fun!) surprise! Ex was back on the scene wanting me back. And I looked him in the eye and said “No.” It was a brilliant feeling, and I could have sworn only six months before I would have welcomed him back with open arms. Bah!
It will take time. Probably much less time then you think. You’re far too young to let this heartache consume you. And EAT SOMETHING! Food is life’s second best pleasure!
roadkiller, your OP was fine. I’m sure most of the people in this thread have felt that way in relationships too - we’re just speaking from the point of view of having gotten through that relationship and moved on. You were feeling horrible, hopeless, lost, and that’s all fine to feel. It’s like I suggested - write him a letter, sleep on it, read it over, and then burn or toss out the thing. You just had a couple dozen people read it over here too and give suggestions. You got out a lot of emotion, had other people give you honest feedback, and from here you can decide on what you’re going to do.
Set aside a little time to mourn the loss, remember that you can take away the good experiences from this time, and set out towards the rest of your life. You’ll be fine.
And I wanted to say that after re-reading my contribution, I need to clarify something that sounded very apocalyptic: When I wrote that we’d all find ourselves in a better place at some time in the future, I meant in love and in a better situation than before, not after death.
Jesus, I really need to start proof-reading, don’t I?
Anyway, roadkiller: It’s a new dawn of a new day, and we’re all still here with you, love. Take comfort in that.
As much as you love this guy, you’ve put up with some stuff that you shouldn’t have to. You deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you. You deserve someone who doesn’t ignore you around his friends. You deserve someone who is open and honest. It doesn’t seem like it now when you’re hurting so much, but eventually you’ll realize that this was probably not the person you really want to spend your life with. You deserve better.
Walk away with all the dignity you can muster. I’ve done some things in the throes of heartbreak that I’m ashamed of, like going to the guy’s friends and begging them to persuade him to change his mind. You’ll feel like a fool if you humiliate yourself this way, and you’ve got enough bad feelings to deal with already.
