…and it went over pretty well. for a short while now i’ve been noticing her lack of interest in me romantically. i know it’s nothing i’ve done, because i let her do her own thing, let her live her own life without crowding her. i show her how i feel, i tell her even, and as always, i give so much of myself to the women i’m with, because that’s the type of guy i am. Still, i noticed lately her confusion about her feelings for me and her feeling pressured. she was pressuring herself, putting it upon herself to try and please me because she thought she had to. i’d rather not have that type of obligation in a relationship, it becomes an obstacle, and in my case this time, it became my girlfriends bane. Even she admitted upon confrontation today, that she puts herself through this. Instead of living her life for herself, realizing only she can make herself happy, not someone else, she was hoping i could bring stability into her life, and a romance out of fairy tales. Those are the types of things i can bring into a relationship with a woman, but not if she expects it, and not if she has the issues she does.
it was very hard to tell her i didn’t want her trying to please me because she felt obligated to do so, because she didn’t want to upset me. I would rather she healed herself, and moved on with her life, and if she didn’t want to be with me for herself, then she shouldn’t at all.
We were supposed to have a date tonite, a romantic nite, but i felt it necessary to discuss our situation, and then realized i was breaking up with her. It hurts inside. but i know it is for the better of both of us. Still, the pain at a loss of such love that i had, it’s bearable only at the level of clenching my teeth and hoping for relief from this pain. I feel as well that that’s the last of love i can ever have for a woman in a romantic sense. This was the second time i’ve been in love with a woman, and i don’t know anymore what is left inside of me. I understand love itself in comparison to all other emotions, and it’s counterpart fear. I just don’t understand the need to grow through a woman like this to be so painful. why?
I don’t know the answer to the why part myself, pal, but I can tell you that you will move on, and so will she. Time is an ally.
Regards
I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through this today, soulsling. It sucks a lot. Reading this, I had a flashback to my own horrible, devastating breakup of my own three years ago. I felt as if I could never love anyone like my ex again. Maybe I can’t, b/c I havent come close to loving (or even really liking) any guy I’ve dated in the past three years. It will get better, though. You will be able to love again (I have hope for myself as well). The pain will become bearable in some time. It may always be lingering, in the back of your head, and may come out at the worst possible times (like mine does, every great once in a while), but you’ll be able to handle it.
In the meantime, if you want a stand-in, SDMB g/f, I’ll be glad to volunteer. From your posts I’ve read,I can tell youre a decent guy 
You say you loved her, okay, we’ll accept that for now. Did she love you? If so, you’re a bloody idiot. If not, then I guess you did the right thing, however much it hurts.
Of course, consider my track record before you take anything I say on this subject too seriously.
i still do love her. love is not something you feel lightly, and it has nothing to do with whether she loves me back or not. She doesn’t even know if she loved me. TheNerd, i’m sure your track record speaks deeper then you realize. Perhaps you may like to read my post in this thread.
MissMonica7, thats awful sweet of you. i’m not a needy guy, but thanx 
don’t let it ever be said you’re not a Lady.
I do understand i’ll move on. I can only hope for the best for her as well. It’s hard to do the right thing, and still feel pain for it. It’s as if i were being punished for doing the right thing, but perhaps it’s better then what the result may have been otherwise, had i not dissolved this relationship. I truly believe men grow through the women (or other men such as the case may be…) in their lives, as if each one, from mother, to sibling to SO’s, has another great lesson to teach that man about himself. I just wish those lessons needn’t be painful. I have learned this time much about myself, much about what a relationship can carry and tolerate, and that it never gets easier apparently.
Moving on or not, i don’t know what is left inside me. The emptiness isn’t that of losing love, but of feeling used up, and drained to the point that i am really not worthy of being thrust upon another woman who might deserve better. This is not meant to sound like self pity, i dispise self pity. I just don’t know how else to describe it.
It isn’t self-pity, soulsling, it’s human pain. And it sucks no matter what.
Wish I could say something that’d ease the hurt, but nuthin’ much does. The best I can offer is, love isn’t something you fall into, it’s something you do. And the best intentioned people can wander into that gray zone in between.
No matter what, nothing hurts quite the same way. It’s like a constant wound that doesn’t show the bleeding on the outside–but feels like it should.
Best wishes to you, and sincere hope that time will do its healing. It doesn’t feel like it now, but even broken bones are stronger at the fracture points.
Until the healing happens and the light, music, etc. come back in life for you, I’m wishing you peace and comfort. Most of us have been there–and yeah, it sucks. But it will end, and we’re standing by you until it happens.
Veb
I’m sorry about the breakup. I don’t have any wonderful advice that will make the hurting go away. I wish I did. I can only tell you that in time, the hurt heals and you will be free to love again. At this moment I know it seems improbable but it’s true. In the meantime, would a hug help? ((((soulsing)))
soulsling, I fear I may have offended you, but that was not my intent at all. I merely meant to say that if you two loved each other, then you shouldn’t have broken up. However, given what you said about how she feels, I think you did the right thing.
Good post in that other thread, too. And I realize exactly what my track record speaks. I have loved only twice. The first I let go, because she was already in a loving relationship. The second, I am still recovering from (but it’s not always as bad now as it was immediately after). It was a situation much like how you described your own, except she ended it.
And believe me, I know exactly what you mean by feeling like you’re being punished for doing the right thing. Keep your hope. We’re all here to talk to.
soulsling, I wish there were something I could say that would make the pain go away. I know it doesn’t help to know that we’ve all felt this and that time will most definitely heal your heart. Perhaps it will at least make you smile a bit if I sing you your song…
soulsling
you make my soul sing
You make everything
Groovy!
I said, soulsling
soulsling, I think I love you
But I wanna know for sure
Come on, hold me tight
soulsling
you make my soul sing
You make everything
Groovy!
soulsling, I think you move me
But I wanna know for sure
Come on, hold me tight
You move me!
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
(You will love again! Trust me.)
I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. I think we’ve all been there a time or two and it does get better. {{{{{soulsling}}}}}
I just broke up with my boyfriend a while ago and it was really hard. I cared about him and he cared about me but we weren’t “in love” with each other. We’ve known each other for 10 years and used to date when we were teenagers. We both got divorced last year and I think we were holding on to each other for comfort and companianship or something. Anyway, it was really hard to tell him that I didn’t think we should continue seeing each other. We’re still friends and always will be, we just weren’t meant to be together as anything more than friends. It still hurts a little when I see him but that’s mostly because I feel bad for hurting him. Our friendship will continue but it’s gonna take a lot of work because of the pain we went through but it does get better.
I have now met the most wonderful man and am happier than I’ve ever been in my life! I know that this is where I’m supposed to be at in my life and this is the man I was meant to spend my life with. Everything happens for a reason. Had I not broke up with Sean, I wouldn’t have met Matt and I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t met him.
You may feel like your emotionally drained and don’t have the strength to love another woman again, but someday, you’ll meet the woman that’s meant for you and you alone and you won’t be able to stop yourself from falling in love with her. It will happen my friend, have faith!!
I can totally empathize with you. I was (and am still) in love with the girl that I believe to be the love of my life. I have known her for almost 15 years and I even named one of my kids after her. She is not my ex-wife, but she is now my ex-girlfirend. There has never been a day since I met her that I don’t think of her at least a dozen times. We dated for a while when we were younger and then sort of drifted apart. I eventually got married (for all the wrong reasons, by the way. Didn’t figure that one out until it was too late though) and we drifted even further. We hooked up again (I called her) after I had been separated for awhile and I completely fell in love with her all over again. Absolutely, undeniably and intensely. Whoops. We split up in Feb. this year and I have been rather miserable since then. I have no words of wisdom to share, but I do know how it feels to be completely in love with someone and not to have it returned. I haven’t gotten over her yet but I hope you can move beyond yours soon.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Shayna
Rachelle,
Spolvy,
thanx, i appreciate all of this. thanx for the hugs and the empathizing and sympathizing…
it’s so confusing now. i feel like i should just get up and go on like it’s over and done with and no need to carry on, and i’ve been trying to do that all day, and instead i keep getting these recurring feelings deep in the pit of my gut that just does not feel right. Time huh? well, i got plenty of it now. And a week off for vacation that i don’t know what to do with since i’m not going to AZ with her now.
:sigh:, yeah, handy, lots of fish, i just don’t feel like fishing right now. swim little fishies, swim :rolleyes: i’m losing it.
I’m really glad for you Rachelle, i truly hope the best for you and Matt. all my best. Spolvy, i understand, about the not getting over her part, not in this case now, but with another girl, who i am very close to, we have forever been in love in some weird way, but never could do anything about it, and even though it came to a head one day, where we decided it was for the best not to be together, neither of us will let go. it’s difficult to say the least. but i truly believe that misery is our own doing, and if you look inside yourself, you’ll see that you have so much love to give yourself. i don’t necessarily believe that love NEEDS to be returned for you to feel happy, i think you need to realize that it is your ability to love others unconditionally that will bring out the happiness, once you let go of the fear of not recieving love in return, you can come to grips with what it is to just have your own, and give it. true, the pain is real, just as i am feeling it now, but i’m sure it will dissapear soon, i just don’t understand myself why there needs to be so much pain when there was nothing wrong done. thats my only question.
and i do trust you Shayna, (especially if it’s another busty redhead).
I know how you feel soulsling
Everyone is looking for that one person who completes us so fulfillingly, and yes - for a brief time I thought I’d found her.
Alas things don’t always go according to plan … well at least not to my plans and we ended things and to get over it I accepted a job on the other side of the world. I missed her she called me and said she missed me - I came back. Within a week I knew it wouldn’t work this time around either … so I left again.
I am only just able to start thinking about her without crying.
Come to California!! There’s plenty to do here! 
Shayna, :cat purring:, yeah baby!
Cali would be great, but i’ve got off from the 23-28th. Tickets no matter where i go are not an issue, priceline rocks. i was only gonna spend 150 round trip to Phoenix, but at least Heather reimbursed me for that. I’ve been thinking about just heading up to Alaska instead for that week, or taking the time off to just chill at home alone, maybe do some organizing around the house, take some of the days and use them for when i go to Israel so i spend more time in Israel, but i’ve gotten invited to go to Minnesota as well to see a friend, and New Zealand too. I just don’t know what’s feasible, and i still don’t know how i feel about going on a vacation knowing it was going to be with her. I know that sounds sappy, but im a sap like that sometimes. i’m a sensitive guy you know? i cry sometimes. hell, i cried before i went over to Heathers and broke up with her 'cause i didn’t want to do it. I’ll admit that i cried, i don’t do it often, i don’t think i’ve done it in years, but i did this time, so i know the feelings were real. :sigh:
sorry. :eek:
what exactly do you do out there Shayna? I mean, it’s cali, all i can think of is… well… beaches and sun.
And the problem with just beaches and sun would be…? There’s a lot to do in SoCal; I spent most of my Navy time in San Diego, and it was great. In any case, go wherever you feel would help soothe your soul.
It’ll take a while before you can breathe properly again, take it from one who knows. But, the pain will be a little less each day, and eventually you will feel OK again. Even if it seems like it will never end, it will. I also know the pain of being with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about them, and it really sucks. There’s no way to get through it but to just do what is in front of you each day and try not to wallow in that self-pity that is so tempting. And don’t feel like you have to “get over it” so quickly; you’ll just mess yourself up. My last relationship (3 years and almost got married) ended over a year ago, and I’m just now feeling like I want to date again. Give it as much time as it takes.
Here’s another hug for you. {{{soulsling}}}
Oooh, when/where are you going? If you like, I’d be happy to give some recommendations on stuff to do (I did my third year of college abroad in Israel). I’m so jealous.
Just so I don’t totally hijack, I’m really sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend, Soul. That kind of pain is unlike any other; it’s so debiliating, and so hard to heal. I wish you all the best. :
:
Well, knowing from personal experience, California has a lot of things that can help you recover from a broken heart…visit there’re a lot of national parks/forests (Yosemite, Sequoia, Big Bear), and if you’re not into forests we’ve got deserts galore. We also have the beaches (Perfect time too…gotta love 100+ degree summers), as well as amusement parks all over the place.
I know how you feel. It’s going to suck for a long time…but you will have love in your heart again, you will again have nothing but happiness to light your soul.
“Carry on my wayward son,
there’ll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest,
Don’t you cry no more.”
TheNerd, I know when that both people are in love, there shouldn’t be problems… but i’ve discovered that the love can sometimes make you overlook things until they get to be too much. My bf broke up with me about a month ago, saying that there were things I did [personality flaws i guess] that he could no longer overlook and that he felt he should be putting himself through that, or whatever. It felt like he ripped my chest open and pulled my heart and lungs out. It still does, especially because we are trying keep our friendship. I know we were in love… and I still love him. I want him to know that he still has me, but I can’t tell him.
soulsling, all i know is that if we weren’t in the same city, i wouldn’t miss him as much because he would far less tangible. I truly believe that few things are worse than standing in front of what you can’t have. Cry if you have to: there’s nothing more cathartic, honestly. Don’t keep you feelings inside.