He’s leaving and there’s nothing I can do. He says it’s just a seperation, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Maybe the world will end this weekend…
No Sassy, the world will not end, although it will feel like it will and you might think you ant it to.
Really what happens is, you realize that it is best to not be with someone who is not entirely happy with you because then they are never committed to you 100%
In the end you will see where you need to grow, and you will, and you will move on, and perhaps, some day, you will remember the good times without the hurt.
Everybody got their Black and Decker… Blood and Fettuccini everywhere
I couldn’t have said it any better Burn.
::bows to the wordsmith::
It does get better Sassy. I feel your pain.
I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!
I feel for you! I’ve been there. It does get better but it is really hard at first. Burn said it best.
The brokenhearted move on…they learn and they heal, but possibly to have their heart broken yet again before it gets permanently put back together by Mr./Ms. Right. It will heal…but you have to help it by not letting it sit there in pieces while the he goes on with his life. You will discover there’s more strength in you than you ever knew. What doesn’t destroy you makes you stronger.
Unless this is your first broken heart, you know all this. We’ve all been there and we all feel for you. You WILL be happy again. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Girl Lore says it takes half as long to get over a man as you went out with him, so count on being hurt for that long. If you want to speed the process, go out and meet Rebound Man.
Good luck–start the new century without the SOB!
Better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.
No thanks, Bill! Losing SUCKS!
Sassy: Having just recently gone through much the same thing (and it’s still in progress – just because someone leaves doesn’t mean the dust has settled yet) I can relate. In my case, I was in denial for severalmonths before it hit the fan. When TW (That Woman) left, she also took the furniture and my 2-year-old son.
Apart from missing my son, however, I found I wasn’t as sad as I thought I should be. In my case, I suspect I had been grieving over the deteriorating relationship for several months, and it was actually a relief not to have that “walking on eggs” feeling I always had at home.
You will survive. More than that, you will thrive. Mourn all the possibilities that are no longer possible. Grieve the destruction of the close, intimate emotional and physical relationship you thought you had. Don’t blame yourself. The person who left will be spending a lot of energy trying to make it look like you were so reprehensible a human being that he had to leave. He’s rationalizing. He wanted what he wanted and if he couldn’t get it from you, he is just going to get it somewhere else.
He’s deluded. That sort of want doesn’t result from something you’re not getting but from something you lack yourself. He will not be happy with his next victim either.
A lot of people tell you to get over it and move on. I don’t. You need to grieve first. When you’re ready, then you will move on. Just make sure you keep the counsel of good friends who will let you know when you’re “stuck”. You’re not going to have a lot of fun over the next few weeks and months, but you will get through it. Eventually you may be able to look back at this time and realise it was most likely a matter of the trash taking itself out for a change.
–Baloo
Wise words from Baloo.
{{{{{{{{{{Sassy}}}}}}}}}}}}
Something I learned a long time ago from the death of a relationship I desperately wanted: I really CAN live without him. I may not want to, but I can.
There’s some freedom in that, and some serenity. I hope you find both.
-Melin
Hey Sassy, I’m so sorry to hear your road’s gotten rockier, but
Baloo’s right. We can only TRULY love others if we love ourselves, first. This is the thing nobody seems to consider (makes me crazy!) - a relationship where one (or both) party isn’t whole from within, means the relationship will never grow or provide the nourishment it should/could. And anything less is just filling time, wasting energy, and ultimately heartbreaking.
Try to look at this as a chance for you to be YOU for awhile, try going in new directions, consider options for yourself that you never would have with him around, that sort of thing. In fact, this is the PERFECT time to re-invent yourself (altho the Sassy I met is pretty cool, already!). This about YOU now - you’re no longer half of two, you’re ALL YOU now, so treat yourself right, pamper yourself.
Also, it’s a good idea to let your IRL friends know upfront what’s happened - no having to pretend everything’s ok when it’s not. This is a part of it too - letting your friends be there for you…
StoryTyler
“Not everybody does it, but everybody should.”
I Spy Ty.
Thank you all for your support. I want to make clear that he is not a monster and there’s nothing inherently bad going on. There are just a lot of little things and somehow we lost the ability to handle them as we used. I may post myriad threads asking each one of my questions… except that I would then be part of the lonely hearts club I’ve heard some slam.
He may come back, but I have to find a way to handle myself in any eventuality. I have been wanting to do the work on myself and started some, but maybe the universe is in a hurry.
BTW, if what Eve said is true I am doomed – we’ve been involved (altho not always intimately/physically) for 25 years. It’s such a lovely story!
My experience has been that it takes about a month of healing for each year of the relationship.
Then again, I agree with Bill that it is better to have loved than not. Reckon it’s a guy thing?
nope, not a guy thing. it hurts when you lose something that you had your heart in. but you grow even in pain. & it’s better to have been there, even for a while, than to always wonder what people are talking about.
sassy, already you are looking ahead, have acknowledged that it’s time to make some changes. the separation may not work out, & you will split permanently. or it may, & you try it again. either way, you will know more about both of you.
The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to have it make a difference you lived at all.
25 years? Wow, thats a long time. Something that long usually comes back together eventually.
In the meantime, come down to Monterey adn we can sit on the Lone Cypress Tree & get arrested.
StoryTyler: Thanks for rephrasing what I said into a less ambiguous context. I didn’t realize it might be misinterpreted until I saw your rephrasing and compared it to the original.
As far as the whole “Loved and Lost” thing, it’s true, but it sure stings to hear it so quickly after one discovers one has lost. It’s a bitter pill that goes down easier after time has dulled the pain, and there is no need to take it so soon after the injury.
It’s kind of like running up to someone who’s just been run over by a truck and offering them a band-aid – it seems so inadequate.
–Baloo
Everybody’s said some really good things here and I can’t hardly think of anything I can add that would be as good.
Of course, it’s not going to stop me from trying. 
Having been a wanderer in that land of loss (that place we all hate to visit but sometimes find ourselves shipwrecked on), I know that there is damn little anybody can say to make the pain less heartfelt . . . except to tell you that you will survive.
(“I Will Survive,” is, btw, a damn good song for the broken hearted: get yourself a copy of it and sing along at the top of your voice. Really. And thanks to LilethSC for that little tip, it really does work.)
Don’t try to be brave, don’t discount what you feel, give yourself time and space to truly grieve. That means being angry or hurt or any degree of devastation that you are feeling at that particular time. If that means screaming at the moon, let it loose; if it means crying at 3 pm every afternoon, okay, that’s what works for you. (I couldn’t take a shower without weeping for quite a long time; it was the only time and place I could let go.)
You didn’t hold back in your love; don’t hold back in this, either. It’s the only way to come out the other side.
We’ve all been there. You do go on, even if you don’t particularly want to.
And there does come a day when you wake up . . . and you don’t have that knot of pain that made it difficult to breathe every waking moment . . . and you take a shower without tears.
All best to you, dear heart.
your humble TubaDiva
In reference to the song “I Will Survive”: I’m pretty sure that every woman in North America already owns a copy of this song. It’s like a law or something.
Everybody has given really good advice. I cant say anything to improve on it, other than to reiterate: You are much stronger than you think you are right now. I know it hurts worse than hell, but it will get better. I promise. Dont be afraid to cry, or scream, or moan - just let it out instead of bottling it up, and dont tell yourself “I ought to be able to stop crying by now.” If youre still crying, it’s because you still need to. I feel for you, and you have my good thoughts - and prayers, if that wont offend you.
A practical tip which my mom’s therapist gave her when her 20-year marriage went out the door - she says it really helped her: Go down to Goodwill or the Salvation Army and pick up a set of really cheap, old, ugly, tacky china. Throw 'em against the (outer) wall of your house or apartment piece by piece, saying stuff like “THAT’S for the time you said ***” and “THAT’S for the time you didnt ***” and “THAT’S for never ***”
It is better to waste your youth than do nothing with it. – Georges Courteline
The ever insensitive PitBullDawg responds:
I wonder if my ex wife felt that way when I left her, actually after she ran me off with her constant ragging, bitching, materialistic ways? No offense, but is he leaving you because you treat him like shit? Be honest. Or is he just banging some younger chick and in reality he was always a jerk? If it’s the latter, I don’t understand the tears. I don’t understand why people don’t address these things before they get to this point. I left my wife 3 times before I finally decided to never go back. She begged me to come back each time. And each time I did because I really and truly believe in my marriage vows. But finally i had to face the fact that she was just a bad person and nothing I could do would ever change that. Before we married she loved everything about me. After we married she wanted to change everything about me. She, like a lot of women these days, just wanted to be married. She didn’t care to whom, she just wanted to be married. In her 30’s and not married. Not acceptable in her family apparently. It lasted 3 years. I left her, she acted the same way I see the OP did. But in reality, it was her that ended our marrige. Never bending, constantly bitching, I’m a woman and if I cry some tears I win. na na na na boo boo.
Sick of pathetic whining woman that drive their men away and then cry about it,
Pit