Thanks for sharing, Pit.
People deal with loss in different ways. Some people grive the loss of love as they would any other death: they mourn. This sort of grieving involves the release of many different emotions encompassing a range of feelings.
Some weep; others just become big flaming rectums.
your humble TubaDiva
And some BFRs have a head start BEFORE their relationships break up . . .
Sassy, just curious, but how can you relate to someone for 25 years and not marry them?
I’ve been divorced for 9 years (my ex divorced me). After such a long time, the only thing I regret is that I din’t get the house-I’m still bitter about that. I lost a great deal financially speaking, and starting over is always hard. However, CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, and something always comes along.
Hang in there.
There seems to be a tendency to blame somebody, even among those of us who can’t possibly know the personalities involved or the details of the situation.
Sometimes he’s a prick.
Sometimes she’s a bitch.
Sometimes it’s a little of both(they tend to attract each other).
But usually, it’s just two decent people with a wide range of good & bad traits. Maybe they grew in different directions. Maybe the things that attracted them to each other aren’t attractive anymore. Maybe one or both is going through personal changes that they themselves do not understand. My point is that sometimes it just doesn’t work out-- even 5, 25, 35 years later. People change. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can certainly be painful. All growth hurts to some degree. Yes: scream, cry, break objects if it helps you get through it. But I can’t go along with the folks who seem to be prescribing a cultivation of permanent bitterness.
Holding resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
omg Pit…gotta love you guy…you sound like the kind that would hand Baloo a knife and say…ok…now stab yourself and see which one hurts worse…if it’s the knife don’t do it again…
Not a lot to go on there Baloo…but…having lived with the demon from hell for 13 years before I threw him out for good…ending a relationship good or bad is a sad time…grieve…get angry…then decide life is too short and get out there and try again. I’m still looking after several engagements and 10 years of being single. No…I sure don’t feel like I have to be married… the guy that gets me will be damned lucky.
Ooopppsss…I got excited there…it was Sassy and not Baloo…woooo
fuzzy-wuzzy: Nothing Freudian in that slip. wuz there?
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I once lost my corkscrew and had to live on food and water for several days
-W.C. Fields
http://members.tripod.com/~Bob_Baloo/index.htm
Pit… I absolutely love your answer. I too often wonder why people marry someone then want them to change into someone they are not.
I have found that people do change, but it is usually a change that THEY want to make and no amount of nagging and whining will force them to bend to your will.
TennHippie… stop tugging at my heart strings… you are just way too cool.
Back to the OP: The close of any relationship requires the steps of grieveing. You get angry, you bargain for time, you go thru denial, and you accept and move on. They happen in no particular order and over no certain period of time. Some people stay in these stages for years.
My advice to you is that you focus on your life and the person you want to be. Learn to enjoy your own company. Realize that you don’t have to be part of a relationship to be whole. I discovered long ago that I would rather be “alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong.” If you focus on making yourself someone you are happy with… life, and the people around you seem to follow suit.
I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!
wooo my humble apologies Baloo…I had just posted to the cigs thread…I’ve been without for 8 days now…my little fingers were in a fever-pitch mode to type…I really did mean Sassy…I was trying to type and wipe the drool off at the same time…geesh…they say if you can make it 21 days then you’ve broken a habit…that’s how long you have to steadily do something for it to become a habit…if I seem a little “bent” on the board…ya know why…
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to answer me. My original post was made hoping for sympathy and because I was at that “have to tell someone” phase. The responses I received have been a real help in getting a hold on myself – I will save this thread and refer to it often over the next few weeks and months.
I do agree that it’s better to have loved – and I have not yet lost. I am experiencing the horrible cliché of “let him go – if he doesn’t return he never was yours” etc. I regret nothing.
[bold]Baloo[/bold] I agree with your point that I have to let myself grieve, and I thank you for say so. It’s the sort of advice I have given others, and I would easily have forgotten!
[bold]StoryTyler[/bold] Your thoughts are also welcome, and especially about letting friends know what’s going on. I have let a lot of friends go over the past few years, but those I have kept will be a great support if I let them.
{bold]TubaDiva[/bold] I will certainly see if I can find “I Will Survive” – if all else fails, I have a friend who is sure to have a copy. Music will help, and I have some Melissa Etheridge favorites: “Yes I Am” and others. Crying in the shower was something I have done often, but since I will now live alone, I can cry wherever I want. I hope that I won’t want to do it often, but I have learned to allow it. I know that the only way out it through.
[bold]Scarlet[/bold] the dishes idea is a great one, and one that had occurred to me – except I was going to use the dishes I own (and detest.) But since I live in an apartment, throwing the crockery about would probably be looked down upon!
[bold]PitBullDog[/bold] I hope that he doesn’t think I treated him badly, and I don’t think so. He has told others that I saved his life, and I probably did. I supported him for some time, and even now I pay the majority of the bills – he will be staying with family, because he can’t afford to live alone. In my heart, I know that we need a break – but it’s still hard to accept – and I know that we are both at fault in what went wrong. I also know that he never told me about the things that were bothering him until they were too far in the past to fix. I am not a mind-reader and I needed more cooperation than I got. The “we” got lost in the taking care of “I” and nothing I could say made it better. There are other things, but it was all little things that added up to something more than we could handle. But I know for sure that I don’t deserve to be left
[bold]Handy[/bold] Thanks for your offer – if I had a car, I would love to see Monterey! In answer to your question, our timing was off before now. When we met, he was married – so we were friends. Then he lived out of the area, and we exchanged letters. When he was back, I had married – and then he left again. It was only after my divorce that we were both in the area and available at the same time… and so we took the chance that our friendship could survive romance. I still hope we were right.
Again, thanks to all of you. I hope you will look for the questions I am bound to post as I figure out what my questions are and advise me again.
You sound like quite a catch, Sassy. He doesn’t sound like he’s good enough for you.
Sorry, I know I don’t know the guy but you have just described what sounds like a bum. And you sound like someone that could do much better.
I hope I find a woman just like you someday, someone that loves me more then “the stuff”. btw- sorry I was such an a-hole on my first post. I guess it just brought back some memories. oh well, what can I say, I am an a-hole too at times. Peace
Pit
The ever insensitive, politically incorrect PitBullDawg. Political correctness is a disease. Cure it with the truth.