I think that this may ramble a bit. Sorry. It’s also likely to look likea great exercise in wallowing in self-pity, but I don’t know what to do about that. If it’s not your cup of tea, please just close this thread and move on.
It’s over. More than six years together. Living together for nearly all of that time. I won’t go into the reasons, because I think that’s too personal, and she very occasionally posts here, and because I don’t think I can be fair and objective.
Needless to say, I feel destroyed. In pieces. The world seems a very desolate and lonely place right now. I’m sat in the same small flat, surrounded by reminders everywhere I turn. Clothes, make-up, photos (God, the photos everywhere), books, magazines, even the food in the fridge. I can’t begin to explain how fragmented I feel, how utterly without hope.
She’s coming over later to pick up some clothes. I wasn’t sure whether to be in or not, but I think I will be. I have things to get off my chest. I knew she wasn’t especially happy at the moment, and I was trying my hardest to make things better, but looking back it was already too late. I never guessed at how bad it was. I feel like I’ve been strung along; given false hope that we could fix things when it was already pointless. There’s a tiny part of me that hopes something is still salvageable, but I don’t think it’ll last beyond today. I wouldn’t treat a dog the way I feel I’ve been treated this week. I may deserve nothing else in life, but I didn’t deserve the way it ended.
(I should say, in case anyone is worried, that I’m not going to do anything stupid. That helps nobody. Seriously.)
I know people all over the world experience this all the time. Every relationship I’ve had before has ended ‘mutually’; this is a horrendous new experience for me. I’m twenty eight; I’m old enough to know you survive these things and life goes on. My friends and family have all lived through far worse things and gone on to happier lives. I just can’t see past the day-to-day emptiness, the absolute hopelessness of how I cope with each day. I had one hour’s sleep last night, with all of the lights on and TV news playing. I can’t bear it, sleeping in one half of an otherwise empty bed. I have no appetite, although I’m trying to force myself to eat. It’s just so quiet.
Maybe I shouldn’t be posting this - it is quite raw. I just need to be heard, and maybe if I can read this at some point in the future I’ll see how far I’ve come. I have good friends and family, who will be there for me. But they all live a distance from here, and can’t be there when my heart’s breaking at 2am. I could go and stay with them, but that won’t ease the pain or make coming back to this flat any more welcoming. I can’t move out for various reasons, before anyone suggests.
To those of you who’ve been through this, or worse, and survived: how do you cope with the day-to-day mundanities of life (a job you couldn’t stand even before, coping with living on your own, etc)?
To those of you who haven’t: look at your own relationship now. Could it be stronger? Could you both be happier? Don’t leave it too late. I really thought this was it, now and forever, and it hit me like a train.