That might be good, Francesca. I’ll let you know. I may go and stay with the parents for a while.
I think staying with your parents would be a very good idea. My email’s in my profile.
I don’t have anything sensible to offer in the way of advice … just sympathy, I guess. I’m sorry.
no more offerings, just thanks for not taking that wrong. FWIW, you made me feel better by that. Huh. Whatdayaknow, you can still make a positive impact on others! Keep it up, and know you have my sympathy. This really is a universal thing. Francesca, you’re an angel.
I’m going away now.
I read stuff like this, and it only reinforces my idea that staying single leads to a less complicated life. I guess that’s kind of a no-brainer.
Good luck Crusoe.
I’m so sorry, Crusoe. I know how much it hurts. My relationship of 9 years ended abruptly and it destroyed me. We lived together too. It’s been over a year, and it still occasionally stings. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to get over in my life. (I am 28 too.)
Well after we split, I moved back in with my parents temporarily. It was a good thing to be with them, to be around people who really love me. When I finally got a new apartment, the first month was hell, because I couldn’t stand to be alone, after all that time living with someone. But eventually, I learned to love living on my own.
I strengthened my friendships and made new friends. I also enjoyed dating again after 9 years. Although…the fun kind of wore off after I kept dating the wrong guys. It took me over a year before I found someone I actually really like.
If it weren’t for my friends and family, I would have never made it through. It still really hurts to this day, but I overall, I think my life is much better.
I wish you the best of luck, my thoughts are with you.
Been there, done that, got several t-shirts. You asked, so here goes:
You probably won’t get entirely over this until you get good and angry. If that’s what works for you, it’s OK to do so. If that’s not you, then don’t. Some here have mentioned about loking back on the good times. That’s never been fun for me, the sour ending having spoiled whatever good times there were.
As has been mentioned, please don’t go off the deep end and do things you normally wouldn’t do. You’ll have regrets about that later.
Remember this one! “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” It really is, you know. There’s a future out there for you, so make the best of it.
In the meantime, we’re all wishing you the best.
While I’m miserable for different reasons we’re in the same airspace buddy.
My frist piece of advice is to remove every single item that you can which reminds you of your past with her.
My second piece of advice is to wake up tomorrow reborn. When you go to sleep tonight remind yourself that when you wake up you will be born again (not to be confused with the religion!). Shake off your shackels and start completely fresh.
Its going to hurt, but do it anyway. Best of luck.
Crusoe - my heart goes out to you.
Please don’t feel that you need to justify yourself, saying that other people have suffered worse. It’s not fair to yourself. Your suffering is valid and understandable. I won’t say try not to be sad, because, of course, you will be. But, it might be a good idea to give yourself a respite. Be sad sometimes, but every day, try to find things that have made you happy. For me, I listen to my favorite music in the car (hopefully something soothing or cheery – be leery of depressing music, it just makes it worse) and try to get out of the house, or watch a favorite movie or a few Simpsons episodes. I like being at home but being alone in a quiet house is the worst thing when you’re depressed – I try to make it a point to go grocery shopping, or go for a drive.
Sometimes you’ll have to be sad. That’s ok, too. The most important thing is not to get stuck always being depressed.
Treat yourself a little bit. Don’t be embarassed to try to make yourself better, to acknowledge that you’re upset. Plus, this keeps you busy. Do things that you like to do.
I would strongly advise going out of town, or staying with someone else, at least for a little while. Having other people around is really helpful. Even if you’re miserable, if it helps, I’m sure they’ll understand and be happy to try to help. Spend time with friends, leave the house often if you have to live alone. Make advance plans, if you can; something to look forward to and to break up the day.
The pet suggestion is also excellent.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
I second the advice of a) getting out of the house as much as possible, and b) spending time with your really old, close friends, the ones who love you as you are and will not be judgemental. It will take you a while to regain perspective, and it’s not something you can rush. Give yourself a little time, but not too much, to wallow, but then move on.
Also, no matter how much this sucks right now (and I hope you don’t have any of those well-meaning, but sometimes really annoying friends who will tell you “Forget about her, she was all wrong for you,” because no matter how true that may or may not be, hearing it right now isn’t going to get you anywhere), it will get better.
But you are still allowed to feel really crappy right now. It’s not something one just snaps out of. I remember really wanting to punch out one of my oldest friends when he told me to “just snap out of it,” less than a week after a really hardcore breakup.
The best advice I ever got was from the first man I ever fell in love with (and who, subsequently, broke my heart): Ride the waves.
Think of it as a metaphor. Instead of struggling to swim out of something, go limp and float. Let the pain happen, let it wash over you, and then let it go. Don’t fight it. It doesn’t make the pain any less, but it lessens the suffering from it, if you take my meaning. It shortens the span of time when you are truly miserable and opens you up to feeling better when that happens.
In the meantime, do take good care of yourself. If you can, get a a body massage. Touch is a powerful healer. Get enough sleep. Get some exercise. Read something that’s either completely brainless or totally involving. Watch that unbelievably stupid movie that you would never watch with anyone else in the room, but that you secretly love. As much as you can, let other people comfort you. As much as you can, ignore the well-meaning but clueless people who offer to teach your ex a lesson or make comments about how she was a bitch anyways.
And remember, it will get better.
Matt, I’m really sorry 
It does get better, as hard as that may be to see now.
You know you have loads of friends in Dublin, if you feel the need to get away.
Thanks again all.
I spoke to her again today. It’s definitely final. We talked for a while, she took some clothes. We were civil throughout; almost too normal, like it wasn’t really real. We’ve agreed in theory to remain in touch at the moment (the odd text message, etc) to do what we can to help each other through, although with the proviso that the second either of us feel like it’s hindering us from getting on with life, or reading false hopes into communicating, we stop or change it. That’s helped a little; it feels less like I’ve “lost” someone and more like we can grow apart from this. I think I have to be more careful about how I react and read into messages; I’m the slightly less emotionally mature one (typical bloke!).
So there we go. Every single one of my friends and family is out of town tonight (New Year holidays), with the only exceptions living in places that have recent associations that I don’t want to face yet. Tonight I plan to post, find some background babble on TV, have one or two glasses of something alcoholic (no more than that, it’s a dangerous game), and try not to fall apart. Tomorrow morning I will get up, I may try to go out and buy a video or DVD or computer game or some other time-waster (getting out and about doesn’t feel right; I don’t think I could do things ‘alone’). I’m staying at my sister’s tomorrow, back here Sunday and then it’s back to work. That will be hard but I guess it’s all one day at a time.
It just feels so enormous. The loneliness is a killer; but I guess I’m not the first, I’m not the only and I won’t be the last to feel this, and everyone gets through it one way or another.
This takes me back. FWIW I got me a mantra (I used a short prayer) and repeated it over and over during the worst of times during my first divorce. It really helped.
Cheers. I may look into that in a few weeks, but I need to deal with the immediate side of it first.
Understood. It’s an open invitation 
Oh, I’m so sorry crusoe. I stand firmly by the belief that there is no pain worse than a shattered heart. I’ve felt that pain, as I believe most people in this world have. I actually think everyone should feel it at some point in their lives, because now is the time when you will discover how strong of a person you truly are. Happy New Year, eh?
My advice: keep yourself surrounded with people who love you. I remember when I discovered my boyfriend who I was madly in love with, ready to marry and spend the rest of my life with, was cheating on me. My whole world came crashing down around me as my heart shattered into about a billion pieces.
I wasn’t alone for about 48 hours, and it saved me from doing something miserably stupid, that I would’ve regretted. You sound like a very smart and responsible person that doesn’t do much on a whim, but I’d try and do the same, just in case. Surround yourself with loved ones, keep yourself constantly occupied.
If you need to cry, cry. Do not hold it in. Cry until you can’t cry anymore, until your entire body is dry. Those emotions need to be released. If they’re not, they’ll remain in you, festering until they consume you. Let them out so you can move forward.
Good luck and I’m so very, very sorry.
It’s odd, I just can’t cry. I’ve been on the brink for two days solid, and it just isn’t happening. I won’t be doing anything stupid; that would cause so much more pain to so many more people. I don’t know how it’ll work. I kind of hope we can be friends, but only time will tell that. I’m facing the daunting prospect of tonight and tomorrow first, then Sunday. Then it will be Monday evening after work to live through. If I look at each day in turn it looks bad. If I look at them in a row it looks worse.
I went through a nasty breakup (my fiance ended our relationship out of the blue) just about a year ago.
My mom came and rescued me; she didn’t want me sitting in my dinky apartment 600 miles away in the shape I was in. I’m trying to move out, but have had no luck getting a job. It’ll happen. But not having to deal with every little thing like getting the power bill paid was helpful. I would have let EVERYTHING slide. I got behind on some bills and stuff when I moved anyway, so my credit is iffy right now. Try not to let that happen!
Returning that wedding dress was about the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
I didn’t do anything for the first couple of months. I was never actually suicidal but I can remember a few times thinking, “You know, I wouldn’t mind if I were dead right now, though I’m not going to do it.”
If you can be friends, I’m pretty sure it won’t be for a while. I couldn’t take being friends with my ex at all, not because he’s such a horrible bastard (he’s not, really, what he DID was awful) but because it’d rip my heart out anew every time I talked to him. I only wish I was being melodramatic there. I’ve talked to him exactly once since the breakup, asking if he’d take my cat if I couldn’t find another home. I know he has my email address, thanks to a mutual friend who occasionally spams her whole address book, but I’m also quite sure that he’s not going to use it.
I’m sorry, really. It sucks. Looking forward hurts? Then don’t. Get through tonight. Hell, get through the next five minutes if that’s what you can take. Then get through the next five.
I still adore her. Oh, I’m under no illusions; we’re through. But how do you deal with the person you would normally turn to 24/7 for support, love, understanding, advice and help being the one person you can’t turn to?
I think the “get through the next five minutes” advice is about right.