My ex-Army ranger friend gave me this bit of advice about how he dealt with the things he saw and did when he was actually out there in live action.
Not today.
Maybe tomorrow.
What he means is ‘This will not get the best of me today. Maybe I will kick its ass tomorrow.’
Same idea as the ‘five minutes.’ Take it one tiny step at at a time. Sooner or later you’ll realize the steps are getting bigger on their own.
WHAT A BUNCH OF WONDERFUL PEOPLE!!! YOU MAKE ME CRY.
I managed by living as a bitter, unfeeling, cynical bastard for several months until it was safe to return to being human again. I do not exactly recommend this as a general practice.
There is a part of me that would go running back to my ex if he asked me to. The rational part of me would say no, but I’m not sure it’d win. I think there’s always going to be a little part of me that loves him, no matter what. Certainly we did have a wonderful year. sigh
I was able to go to my family for support. You’ve mentioned maybe going to stay with yours, so I’m guessing your relationship with them is good. My mom’s been a great help, as have the dogs. Isaac the yellow lab worships me, and it’s hard to not respond to that no matter how depressed I can get!
Hang in there. Heck, you’ve got a bunch of Dopers on your side. You’ll be okay. 
You have to find the other people you can turn to, and the first person is yourself. You know you’ll get through this, and you will. You won’t be the same person when you come out the other end, but you will be stronger than you could have imagined. It’s trite to say: “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger”, but it’s true. Everything we go through makes us the person we become, even the open wounds like this one.
The advice about riding the wave is good. You will experience pain, and it won’t go away by trying to ignore it. Let it happen, but try to set a limit on it: sometimes you’ll know there’s no point in going out and trying to distract yourself - ok, give in to it. But try to have somethings planned, so you’re not tempted to sit at home alone being miserable all the time (and by “set a limit” I don’t mean long term; no one knows how long it will take. I mean evening by evening, or even five minutes by five minutes).
Let other people help. Find the friends and family who will put up with you being miserable on their sofa for hours on end, the people who will check in with you to make sure you’re ok. Don’t worry about boring them, they want to help, and if just being a sympathetic ear is all it takes, then they will be happy to do that. And remember, even complete strangers care about how you are feeling!
On a practical front, I’d suggest doing something about your apartment. You are living there alone now, so make it yours. Even if all the furniture is the same, rearrange it. Put up different pictures. Change the order of the books in the bookshelves. Make it MINE, not OURS.
And good luck. You WILL make it through this.
For me, there’s never been any magic pill to make the pain go away (or even lessen). But it does get better with time. It may seem like you will hurt this way and feel this bad forever. No one will ever compare to the person you lost. No one will ever share jokes like you did. No one will ever be the conversationalist she was.
But that’s not true. It gets better. You hurt less and less, and then you stop hurting. You meet other wonderful people that seem even better. It just takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. But it does get better.
When you feel angry (and you probably will, at some point), understand that that’s normal. And that if you go through the anger and then LET IT GO, it won’t mess you up.
The last time a guy broke up with me, I gave myself permission to hate his guts when I needed to. Remind yourself that this kind of upset is not permanent. It’s more like “I know I’ll get over this anger some day, but RIGHT NOW I wish he was dead in a ditch so I could spit on him.” Acknowledging anger instead of burying it helps stave off depression for some of us. (Repressed anger can be turned inward and can cause depression, and some of us have to do all we can to stay out of depressive states.) Also, that first part (“I know I’ll get over this some day…”) is important. Remind yourself of that frequently, because it’s true.
I’ve read that recovering from a failed relationship can last up to half the time of the relationship. In my case, I’d been with the guy for four years. I figured it would take about two years to really get over him, and for me, that was pretty close. So be patient with yourself.
Giving up someone you’ve loved (or still love) is one of the absolute hardest things anyone can go through. Best wishes and good thoughts coming your way…
Good Luck to you. I know how you feel. The road seems sometimes neverending but time lessens the pain. Sometimes I feel that I’m over the pain and then it comes back again, but just a little less severe. Just keep taking in air.
Crusoe
I know the feeling.
In my youth, my mentor advised me to: “Treat them mean, keep them clean.”
He left before I could question him further, I’m afraid.
…And once you’ve had that box for a while, and its sides are warped with your tears, burn it. Take it out somewhere safe, pour on some flammable fluid, and whip out the lighter. I’ve helped a friend do the same. It’s very theraputic.
I’m sorry to hear, CRUSOE.
Drink some, cry some, think some. Just get through the day-to-day for now, and things will get better. Eventually.
Ah, dammit, Matt. I hoped this thread wasn’t about what I feared it was about…
Having met you both, I can only say you’re both great people. Sometimes, these things don’t work out, for the oddest reasons in the world, or the most predictable of them all. I hope both of you can learn to live without one another - and I know you will, hard as it may seem now.
Similar to ruadh’s proposal, should you get the idea to fly eastward for an hour, I’ll provide the pints, mate.
Hang in there.
Pah! Women comes and women go. The only thing you can rely on in life is Oldham Athletic. And there’s always hope while Iain Dowie . . . re mains . . . . . man a g er . . . oops!
Okay!
Everyone’s said it, really. This is the worst time, but each day just gets a little better than the one before was. A couple of week’s time this thing will seem almost, but not quite, manageable. And that’s the key, I think, and you’ve said it yourself; one day at a time.
Fwiw, you know you’re over the worst when you feel like going out and getting laid again. That takes as long as a piece of string, but it, at least, something to aim for.
It a crap time, Matt, but you should take great pride in doing something that a lot of men shy away from, and that’s putting your heart on the line. Takes emotional courage, something blokes aren’t always good at. So kudos to you !
Btw, he’s a good bloke, ladies, form an orderly e-mail queue and get writing!
Can’t offer you a whole lot ‘cept an amusing afternoon of non-league theatrical drama and drinking on Saturday coming at sunny Bromley. Probably a bit too far Sarf of the river for you but, if you fancy it, I’d love to hear from you !
All the best.
Cheers for the offers, everyone. I’m at that “cold light of day” stage now, not helped as it happens to be a cold and gloomy Sunday. Stumbling across six years’ worth of Valentine’s and Christmas cards while looking for an envelope didn’t help much either.
Ah well. I think my next aim is to avoid sixth-form teen angst. Not very becoming.
Sounds like you’re doing OK so far. Couldn’t hurt to go out and meet some people in person, though, when you feel up to it. But it’s up to you, really. Just do what you’re comfortable with.
And don’t forget: “Living well is the best revenge”.
Shit, fuck and damn.
You’ve had a lot of good advice in this thread. I do’t have any more to add. It’ll suck for a while, and so it goes. Take time to do things that you liked and she didn’t like or was indifferent to — wear new grooves of being just you.
Wishing you the best,
your birthday twin,
Tansu.
Crusoe. I’m very sorry about what happened to you.
Not much will help you in this time, and all the words give you some comfort but the moment you walk away from the screen you remember you’re alone, and you are dealing with this on your own.
I live in Florida now, but I hail from England. Liverpool to be precise. I’ve been here 5 years. I left England for a girl I met who moved to the US and asked me to go with her. I had nothing to lose and it was true love so I moved over here. Suffice to say it did not last long, and she totally destroyed my world, and after she was gone (I won’t explain the specifics I doubt you’d believe me) I had no one to turn to and no one I knew in the US.
Going back to the UK was out of the question because no one wanted me to leave the UK in the first place or agreed with my decision to go because I was in love, so I pretty much burnt my bridges by doing so, and was not about to go back with tail between legs. So that left me in an alien country on my own, no friends and no family.
My thoughts ran from despair to suicide, and then back to trying to be strong to despair again. I got angry, became a hermit, and wondered what I’d do next, and after a long period of time, I faced up to the fact that I was alone.
It will always hurt Crusoe, just one day, you’ll be able to cope with the hurt, and start to piece your life back together again.
Until then, don’t try to stop any emotion you feel welling up inside you. Let them all out, and spend time thinking about all that’s come to pass. It’ll help your mind assimilate all of the events, and place it in perspective so you can get back on with your life.
I had a happy ending to my bout with madness. I have a new partner, and we plan on getting married. Life goes on. Eventually. Best of luck Crusoe.
Logic.
Never a truer word spoken. Thanks, and thanks to everyone else. I’ve been trying to keep busy today - food shopping, watching soaps at a friend’s house - but of course the quote above holds true wherever I am. Planning to try eating and sleeping tonight (!) and work tomorrow. It can only get better I guess.
Damn, Crusoe, I am very sorry to hear this. It was about this time of year a few years back when my ex-wife and I broke up for the final time. And I too was there to spend a winter in a one-room flat in England alone. I wish I was still in England so I buy you a pint (maybe I can make it to the next SD/UnaFest this year).
A very wise friend of mine told me after the breakup that, although my life had dramatically changed, I had not. I think it took some years to understand really what he meant. I’d assumed that I was the same human being as before the relationship, which I knew wasn’t true. What he really meant was that the facts, abilities, emotions, beliefs I had–the good qualities I felt I had during the relationship–were still retained in me afterwards. My ex-wife did not, and could not, take anything away from me. I am still who I am.
Work will be helpful tomorrow in a way. Human interaction of any sort is always a blessing. Take care of yourself, Crusoe.
I’m sorry Crusoe. Sounds like many people here have been through something similar, myself included.
At the beginning, when the pain is so intense and raw, I found solace in distracting myself with a hobby- running. In fact I got so good at distracting myself I won a few running races, but thats not the point of this.
What I found was that distracting myself allowed me to deal with everything one tiny piece at a time, sometimes almost subconciously, while running.
So while day one after breakup seemed Insurmountably painful, to the point where I felt like I was suffocating under the weight of it… a few weeks later I could take a deep breath, and sort out some of our photos etc, and a few weeks after that…
And bit by bit I rebuilt my life. Lots of things helped me through- friends, family, silly movies, books that made me cry, and many little things that reminded me daily how great it is to be alive. I got to a stage where I was extremely happy just being me.
Now it’s not just me, but me and my favourite running buddy.
Everyone has a different strategy to deal with this kind of stuff, but we are all offering you the same thing… hope. Hang in there mate.