Help me get over my break up! Um... please.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I didn’t commit in time, lots of things conspired, I did nothing as she slowly started losing faith in a future with me, and I have now lost the girl I love more than anything in the world. As well as losing my best friend, girlfriend, and “the one” I have also had my future hopes, plans and dreams turned upside down as I had planned to move away with her. Feels like I’ve lost everything.

Now I can’t do anything. I can’t eat, sleep, or concentrate on anything, and I can’t focus on anything ever being ok again. Worse still, I have lost the person I would always turn to in times of trouble, as she would to me, just when the worst thing that could ever happen to me has happened.

I’m trying desperately to think things like “her loss” and “wasn’t to be” but I can’t cope with the thought that I’ll never see her again, can’t look after her, hold her, laugh with her, and make it all ok when she is down.

Ok, violin-scored sob-story over (apologies for that)…

Can anyone give me some advice on how to get through this without the aid of alcohol or the “head-butting wall” ward of a mental institution?

I know it happens to everyone at some stage, and I know the advice will be “time heals all” but I’m still at the stage where I don’t want it healed and I don’t want to get over her, I just want her back.

My friends’ idea of making it better is to take me to get trashed at bars (which, admittedly, did work last night), but there must be a better way.

So how did you get through your worst break ups? What little things made it better? What did you focus on? How did you stop checking your email every five seconds?

Help!

P.S. Did I mention I had bought a £2500 ring and planned out a dramatic proposal for the October 8th? I’m gonna be a little ray of sunshine tomorrow!

Why can’t there be “the ten”, dammit?

2

Oh dear, Racer1, first of all I just want to say I’m sorry and that I feel for you. I’m probably a bit younger than you are but I’ve been through most of the relationship crap before. I’m not saying that the way I coped with things will work for you, but I guess it’s worth a shot.

About the best thing that you can do (in my opinion) is to keep busy. The times you’re just sitting at home by yourself with nothing better to do will be the times that you start thinking about her. Then you’ll get upset and not want to do anything but wallow in self pity and the cycle will repeat itself. Back before I was a lazy sod I used to run or excercise. Concentrating on your physical body helps you to not concentrate on the mental part.

There have got to be things about her that you didn’t like. For whatever reason, you two had irreconsilable (can’t spell, sorry!) differences. There must have been things about her that drove you up the wall at times. Think about that crap. Think about the bad.

You know what probably helped me the most after a hard breakup? The people on this message board. You did a smart thing by asking us. Although I’m usually not of much help in delicate situations, I like to leave my input. And it’ll get better, blah blah blah. And that’s horrible about the ring. That’s gotta be hard. Just try not to think about “what might have been” and think about your new life and all the different things you can do now. Breakups, for me, always seemed like a chance to get a fresh start on life. You can use this time to become a better person.

3

I don’t have any advice, but I feel for you. Time will help, and keeping busy will make time pass more quickly. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

4

See, I’m all for wallowing. Allow yourself 20 minutes a day to wallow and sigh and smell her scent on your pillow and mourn for what might have been.

Then stop. If the thoughts keep coming, acknowledge them and let them go. I did it in the morning, so I would have to pull myself together before work.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sure it will get worse before it gets better, but I hope that you can get to a point where you are grateful for the time you had with her and the lessons you learned for your relationship.

5

Sympathies Racer1, I’m sure you are aware there’s no pill for this pain. My heart breaks a little for you as I read this.

I can’t really get behind the wallowing plan fully, but I would encourage you to treat yourself with lovingkindness. You would do as much for a friend. Sleep late, buy a great book to read or magazines even, go get some chocolates. Eat really well and don’t drop taking your vitamins they are very important now. Sleep late, take a sleep aid for a few nights (without beating yourself up about it, very, very important), sleeping is very important for your getting better.

I would advise you to stop having your friends take you out to bars, when they propose this you should redirect them to something you’ve been longing to do or see, maybe one on one. Museum, ball game, dinner in a restaurant you’ve not yet visited. Make a list of things you’ve been putting off doing, things you’ll enjoy. When you’re really down go to the list.

None of this is really great advise, I know. But I have one other suggestion for you.

I can tell you are doing what we all do in this circumstance. We look back and beat ourselves up for the things we did or didn’t do. The things we did or didn’t say. I’d like you to remember that the heartbreaking experience of love lost ties you to every other being on this globe. I realize that seems less than helpful, but if you can get to a place where you can think of the other millions of people who are, right this very moment, experiencing this same aching agony of loss, take a deep breath and as you exhale it try to generate compassion for those sorrowful other souls. As you actively generate compassion for them you will be familiarizing your psyche with compassion for your own self. I know it sounds a little silly but, a tiny bit of compassion for self is what you need to pass out of the ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t focus’ phase. I hope you’ll think about giving it a try.

It’s kind of a little internal exercise and it works because it’s your internal dialogue that’s fogging up your world and reeking havok on your currently tender heart.

Best of luck to you my friend I’ll be thinking about you.

6

Sympathies Racer1, I’m sure you are aware there’s no pill for this pain. My heart breaks a little for you as I read this.

I can’t really get behind the wallowing plan fully, but I would encourage you to treat yourself with lovingkindness. You would do as much for a friend. Sleep late, buy a great book to read or magazines even, go get some chocolates. Eat really well and don’t drop taking your vitamins they are very important now. Sleep late, take a sleep aid for a few nights (without beating yourself up about it, very, very important), sleeping is very important for your getting better.

I would advise you to stop having your friends take you out to bars, when they propose this you should redirect them to something you’ve been longing to do or see, maybe one on one. Museum, ball game, dinner in a restaurant you’ve not yet visited. Make a list of things you’ve been putting off doing, things you’ll enjoy. When you’re really down go to the list.

None of this is really great advise, I know. But I have one other suggestion for you.

I can tell you are doing what we all do in this circumstance. We look back and beat ourselves up for the things we did or didn’t do. The things we did or didn’t say. I’d like you to remember that the heartbreaking experience of love lost ties you to every other being on this globe. I realize that seems less than helpful, but if you can get to a place where you can think of the other millions of people who are, right this very moment, experiencing this same aching agony of loss, take a deep breath and as you exhale it try to generate compassion for those sorrowful other souls. As you actively generate compassion for them you will be familiarizing your psyche with compassion for your own self. I know it sounds a little silly but, a tiny bit of compassion for self is what you need to pass out of the ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t focus’ phase. I hope you’ll think about giving it a try.

It’s kind of a little internal exercise and it works because it’s your internal dialogue that’s fogging up your world and reeking havok on your currently tender heart.

Best of luck to you my friend I’ll be thinking about you.

7

Take some time to do some visualization…

You’ve been visualizing a future with her that is perfect and ideal.

Now picture one where she isn’t happy. Where she didn’t pull the plug now and said yes, and then you got married. And a year from then she is miserable. Imagine how you feel. Imagine that she takes comfort in her unfullfilling relationship by seeing another guy. How do you feel? Imagine there are kids involved in the whole mess. And let it be a mess - a lot of marriages are, let your imagination go wild - kids, money issues, infidelity, health problems, job loss. Throw those pieces in that are current that were causing friction (there are always some) - your mom didn’t like her, she never wanted to eat Mexican, or she didn’t want you to hang out with your friends, or she nagged you about laundry. They’ll add some reality. Wallow in the misery that would have been your life with her if it had worked out - and yet hadn’t worked out.

The end of a relationship sucks. It doesn’t come close to the soul draining quality of actually being in a relationship that isn’t working for both parties.

8

Thanks guys, you have helped more than you know.

It helps just to tell people, and there is some great advice here!

9

I’ve been there (lost my wife to my ex-best friend), and for quite a while life just plain sucked. Probably the saddest lesson I learned was that sometimes you can do your best and still fail.

Some suggestions…

Alcohol does help, just not all the time or too much. The last thing you want is to give yourself another problem to deal with.

Keep your distance from the opposite sex (unless they are close friends of yours) until you can hang around with them without talking about your ex.

Throw yourself into a big project or your favourite hobby… you’ll have lots of time and energy, and it will give you something else to obsess about.
Best of luck

10

I went through this a few months back. Sorry man, it sucks. Here’s how I got through it:

  1. Keeping yourself busy with exercise is an EXCELLENT thing. I stepped up my running regimen to an intense level. Not only did it keep me busy, it got me in better shape, looking better and feeling better about myself, something I needed badly and so do you. If you only do one thing, do this. Every time you find yourself sitting in your room alone, thinking about how depressed you feel, you should immediately get up and do something physical, like take a walk.

  2. Treat yourself. Allow some things you don’t want to deal with to slide. Maybe let your laundry pile up a little or blow off mowing the lawn for a week or two. Don’t allow yourself to feel bad about this. At the same time, realize this is a short vacation from responsibility - you will have to go back and deal with these things later.

  3. Don’t let the critical things slide. Make a point of paying your bills regularly and showing up to work on time. Obey laws. This might sound obvious, but when you’re dealing with something big and intense like this, you lose your perspective and might find yourself de-prioritizing items which you normally would not. Identify what can’t be de-prioritized and make sure you’re getting it done. It may help to write down a list.

4.** It’s time to try new things and make new friends**. If you were in the states, I would tell you to go to the local community college and look for some casual evening classes in something you’ve always wanted to try. (That’s what I did.) So whatever the Brit equivalent of community college is, go check it out. Pottery, musical instruments, dancing, sailing, knitting, basketweaving… you now have the time to investigate whatever it is you’ve always wanted to know more about and try. You will think in new ways and meet new people and this is very good for you.

  1. Return that ring. Every time you look at it, it’s going to mess you up. Pawn it and use the money for #4.

  2. Don’t sit around the house by yourself. Go camping, drive through the countryside, visit old friends. When you are only faced with yourself, you keep re-examining the problems, at they end up seeming bigger than they actually are. Your problems are enough to deal with as they are without artificially inflating them, thank you very much. Staying out and active will allow you to keep your issues in perspective - your problems will still seem horrible and oppressing, let’s be honest, but they will at least be the right size.

  3. Restrain your vices. You should allow yourself the opportunity to go get blasted, but you don’t want to wake up six months from now a problem alcoholic because you let it get out of control.

  4. Don’t be afraid to act like a ‘traditional guy’ if you need to. We guys are frequently accused of internalizing all our problems, putting up a false front of emotional imperviousness (resulting in increased stress and heart attacks.) We’re told that the healthy thing to do is share our pain talk about it, blah blah blah… the fact is, sometimes doing the traditional guy thing of internalizing and acting like an asshole who doesn’t care is what gets us through the rough spots. It doesn’t always work and you may not get any benefit out of it, but if you need to do it, do it… In my case, when my sister kept calling me and encouraging me to “share my pain”, it helped me immensely to say “What pain? What do I care? It’s just a girl. The world’s full of them.” I didn’t believe it for a second, of course, but it helped to pretend I did.

That’s the best I can come up with for a process to get through this. Keep in mind that this WILL get better. This is only temporary, you just need to get through it is all. “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Best of luck, Racer1.

11

racer,

show up tomorrow with the ring. get down on your knees and propose.

from everything you have said, it doesn’t sound like you have totally lost her yet.

years ago i left someone who took too long to commit (propose). if he had shown up within the first couple of weeks after i left with a ring and a plan, i would have accepted.

maybe she will too.

12

Nothing new to add, 'cause whatever I would advise has already been said. Just wanted to say Good Luck, racer and hang in there. You will get over this.

13

I bought a puppy the first time I had my heart broken, stomped on and thrown in the gutter.

Gave me some(one)thing to be with all the time, kept me PLENTY busy, gave me something to talk about other than my ex, and made me not wake up hating the world.

I’ve been through 4 or 5 boys since I got her. She’s still here :slight_smile:

And time does heal. The waiting…as Tom Petty says…IS indeed the hardest part :frowning: :frowning:

14

Living well is the best revenge.

I know, you’re not looking for revenge, but it’s all I got. I’m more the “let’s go to the bar” kinda guy.

Take this time to better yourself. Join a gym, become a volunteer, go back to night school, send out some resumes, make yourself into someone she (or someone else) will admire and want to hold on to. Let her see that your moving on just fine and maybe she made a mistake after all. And no matter what, no late night drunken phone calls!! Believe me, I KNOW on this one!

Jeez, I suck at this. Sorry for your loss, dude.

15

Sorry dude, life sucks sometimes. This is going to hurt like hell for a long time.

If it is REALLY over, as in, you know there is no going back, no hope, just…OVER…then treat it as such. Return the ring, get your CD’s back, give her hers, etc. End it. End it. End it. If you must cut your hand off, do it all at once and chop it at the wrist, don’t cut one finger off at a time, understand? End it ALL. Pay the bills, stop going to the places you went together, figure out which friends are hers and which are yours and keep that line firm for the next year. END IT ALL. Close the book and return it to the library.

Can you see the point of finality I’m trying to push here? Once it is finalized, then you will have the ability to say “No use dwelling on it, it’s over now!” This is fairly liberating.

Oh, don’t write her, and if she writes you, have a friend read it to see if she wants her toaster back or if she wants to vent or explain her feelings. Trust me, you do NOT want to hear why she left you, nor do you want to hear her say positive things (“I’m sure you’ll find someone else…”). You think you might, but you really don’t. If it is over, it is over. After a bad break-up I had I ran into the girl about a year later and we calmly chit-chatted. She mentioned something that obviously was still playing on her mind and when she said “Well, like I wrote in the letter…” I interrupted her. God, it was a great feeling to see the look on her face when I said “I didn’t read your letter, I threw it in the trash un-opened.” There is nothing good that can come out of reading that final letter. It won’t help you understand nor will it contribute to your next relationship. Don’t read it!

Then I suggest going out and fucking anything in sight for about the next 6 months. Be honest, just go for sex. No heavy relationships (they’ll only be rebound-ships that also end in tears), just casual hookups. They do wonders for your psyche and get you to smile when you think of women in general again. There are many websites out there devoted to casual hookups, I’m sure you would be able to find someone. Heck, pay for it, no shame there.

And exercising is good too. No matter what shape you are in now, you will get in better shape, which will help with the next girl. Plus you will meet some fine examples of the female form at the gym, which is nice.

And those repetitive voices in your head that keep repeating the thoughts and conversations over and over without stop nor pause again and again? Those are 100% normal. They suck, but they are normal. They go away eventually.

Take care-
-Tcat

16

Again, thanks for this, guys.

When we parted at the train station I burst through the barrier and ran to hug her one last time, before getting arrested. That sort of thing worked in all the damn Hugh Grant movies she made me watch, but she still went so that doesn’t fill me full of confidence.

I have sent her one final email explaining everything to her, why I couldn’t tell her, and asking her to take a chance on me. I have said my peace. I don’t know if she will reply. I love her and want her to be happy with or without me.

Thanks again for all the great advice. I know things will be for the best one way or the other.

The station guards let me go when I explained and promised to leave the premises, by the way.

It is just such a complicated situation.

17

Watch the movie Swingers. Its pretty good for that

18

Please don’t take your broken heart out on a puppy.

Look, you can’t come to the docter and then argue with him about his diagnosis.

Actually, it’s extremely simple. Your relationship ended. Time to move on. I’m not trying to sound callous, but it’s been my experience that when it doesn’t work out, the worst thing you can do is sit around looking around for signs that you will get back together. You won’t.

The biggest problem now is that you have a huge gap that used to be filled with time spent with a SO. You probably miss her and to make things worse, you now have all this extra time that you used to spend with her to sit around missing her. Go to a bar and try to get laid. Or alternately go to a strip club with some pals.

Tomcat - About the links for those casual hookup sites… :smiley:

19

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, twice. (We were steady 3 years, 2 months)

First time, it was much as your experience… I felt like a “ghost”… shocked, no life in me. He felt the same way. We had a very tearful reunion 4 days later and things were great for a while.

Second time, I was like “oh, I won’t get to finish X-Men Legends now”. Didn’t miss him at all. Well, that’s not entirely accurate… there have been a few nights where I painfully miss having someone to cuddle, but on the whole it was a very good deal, and I got my life back on track, dragged myself out of a major multi-year rut, and studied like crazy & took success in my own hands. It was the best thing that happened to me in a long, long time.

20

I’m a good kisser and I think English accents are totally sexy.
Just teasing ya…but I DID make you smile, didn’t I?

Seriously, though: I’ve been there, done that my fair share of times, and I know how much it hurts right now. Getting trashed the night of the breakup is fine. Getting trashed every other night is not. The drink will make the problems dissappear for a little while, but in the long run you’ll be doing some real harm to yourself.

That being said, things that helped for me were:

-Talking about it to friends and family. If you hold it inside, it won’t get any better. Sit down over dinner with someone you’re close to and have a good long talk about how you feel. Something that can also help is writing your feelings down. As long as you have a way of getting them out.

-Go out and do things you enjoy. Like to hike? Like browsing sports stores? Do it. If you’re sitting alone all the time, you’re going to drive yourself crazy with your thoughts. I know you’re depressed and probably don’t feel like doing anything, but you gotta force yourself to, or else it’ll consume you. If you can do it with a friend, that’s even better.

Good luck. I hope things will start looking up for you soon.