Five years with Brandy, and she just broke it off. For good. I know that in a previous thread I talked about us breaking up, but that was only for a night. This is permanent. I don’t know what to do, where to go. What about our dog? What about the furniture, the washer and dryer? What about the fact that I’ve imagined a future with her every single day for the past five years, one month, and eight days? What about the fact that that future is dead and gone and in its place lies, for all I can see, a bleak black dark dank dead desolate nothing?
What the hell am I supposed to do? Where the hell am I supposed to go? I love her, I promise. I could be myself, completely and utterly myself around her, and I’ve never been able to do that with anyone else. The thought that I have to crawl back into myself and hide who I am…my god. I have defined my life in terms of her, and now that definition is meaningless. I have no idea how I can possibly redefine it. I am completely, utterly, totally lost.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It sucks and it’s hard. All the “you will get over her and it gets easier” comments in the world don’t help the hurt you’re feeling right now. But it’s true, you will get over the pain eventually.
FWIW–I was thinking of posting a very similar OP this evening. I was just unceremoniously dumped myself. I didn’t have as much time invested in my relationship as you did with Brandy, but it still hurts.
Also, I’m mostly a lurker here, but I’ve been reading this site daily for a couple of years now and am trying to force myself to post more. My apologies, Soul, if you were looking for your closer online friends to respond to you. You will work out the details on the dog, the washer and dryer, etc. Those things do work out. Focus on you right now and let the other things work out when emotions have calmed a bit.
And why do you have to do that? You now have evidence that people exist who can love and accept the real you, so let the other ones out there find you.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling so bad. I know this is a big blow after five years. Just try to remember that people do make it through this kind of thing. Every time I’ve thought that I lost “The One”, someone even better came along to prove me wrong. Not always as fast as I would have liked, but eventually it does happen.
The last 5 years have not been wasted. They have been 5 years of growing and learning about yourself. They have been 5 years of realizing that you CAN be yourself and still be loved. They have been 5 years of contentment and happiness and joy.
Every day, every experience, no matter what the end result, affords us great opportunity; yes, even the bad stuff. You may have spent the past 5 years organizing your life around her, but she does not define you. You define you. And you’ve done that by all the choices you’ve made in the course of this relationship. You’re a better person now, for having loved so deeply and so truly. You now know how very much you have to offer the right person, and she clearly wasn’t the right person, after all.
Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends. Keep yourself busy and focused on other things. Your heart will heal over time.
And if the relationship is past saving, then I’d encourage you to accept those feelings of bleak despair as necessary, for a time. I have a friend who has been in denial over the end of a similarly lengthy relationship, and has basically tortured himself over the possibility of reunion, while his ex has danced all over his prostrate figure. If this is the end for you two, then better to face the facts and hurt for a certain amount of time, than to linger in a miserable state of false hope for a longer one (IMO).
A friend of mine once gave me the advice that no matter how much you are lost in someone, there should always be a piece of you that is utterly yours. If that someone one day decides that you are no longer what is wanted, you lose all that she walks away with. It’s good to put in everything that you can, but not everything that you are-- when she goes, you should have a small part of yourself to come back to. Sorry-- not so helpful right now, but maybe something to think about for the future.
I felt exactly like this the last time I got dumped. Stopped eating and sleeping, lost a bunch of weight, moved cross country, thought my life was over. Then I met my wife and realized that the previous relationship served a very good purpose, but not one that I had ever thought of. It was practice for the big game.
Had I not made the mistakes I did in that earlier relationship, I would’ve made them with my wife, and that would be a shame.
(This will be little to no comfort at the moment - sorry - but reading it now might help you realize it sooner. For words of comfort: I swear to god it will get better. Much better when you’re ready to let it.)
I am considering packing a bag and going to teach English in Japan. I have no idea how to do that. I wish I could eat. She refuses my idea of counseling, of a break instead of a breakup, of everything except the annihilation of our relationship in its entirety. Paging all Japan-Dopers, how the hell do I get over there and teach? I cannot think of a place farther away.
A move was great for me, but it’s a bit of an emotional overload at first - trying to adjust to a new place and a new [single] lifestyle at the same time.
By the way - if you think this is a healthy relationship and worth restoring - I can’t give you any specific advice because I don’t know your details, but I’ll give you a general tip. This sounds counter-intuitive and some [stubborn/weak-willed] guys like to think of it as “playing games”, but it’s not - it’s just the reality of how these things work. You need to back way off and give her lots of space (without saying “I’m going to back off and give you lots of space” - just do it.) Stop trying to cut a deal with her. She holds all the cards at this point and she knows it. If the relationship is salvageable and you leave her alone, she will get back in touch with you. If not, you’re on your way to a clean break.
Soul, correct me if I’m wrong, but I have the impression that you’re in your early 20’s.
If that’s the case, I’m guessing this is probably your first BIG relationship, in which case it’s entirely natural to feel like your whole world is crumbling down. Og knows, when I got dumped unceremoniously at 21 by my First Love, I was an absolute mess for nearly three months thinking that my world was over and that I’d be alone for the rest of my life.
That said, lavenderviolet is bang on. There is someone else out there who is even better, more special, and even more of a perfect match for you. You need to trust in that, as much as it seems like right now there is no possible way this could be true.
And whatever you do, DO NOT go running for the other end of the world as a knee-jerk reaction to this. Even though she may not follow you to Japan, I assure you that your problems most definitely will… and the last thing you want is to be alone in a foreign land with just you and your problems.
If you are serious about this, then I’ll give you some links after you calm down. For the moment I have to agree with what Mahna Mahna (doo doo da doo doo), said. Face your problems and your emotions head on. We’re here for you.
You are correct, Mahna Mahna, I am 22 years old. I guess things will look different with the perspective of age. At thirty, maybe this won’t be a big deal. But right now, I would give absolutely anything in the world to have her back right now. I am so sad for our dog. He loves nothing more than to cuddle up between us when we’re lying in bed. That will never happen again, and I am crying for him for that. He is the most precious, loving creature I’ve ever known and his favorite simple happiness has been taken from him, and I cannot possibly give it back.
Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to turn into the Meltdown of Soul. I just feel very profoundly alone and wanted to talk. My apologies.
Don’t apologize. At your age, what you’re feeling is normal. You WILL get through this, I PROMISE!
And keep the dog. If she wants to leave, she leaves without him. Trust me, he will be just as happy snuggling beside you alone as he was between you both.
You ARE better for this experience. Go take a walk! Smile at people you pass. Make conversation with strangers. Take in how beautiful the world is. Appreciate what you have. Have a GREAT day.
Japan? That sounds pretty radical, and you’d end up socially isolated. Why not somewhere a little closer to home, you know, Wichita or something? Lots of custom cars in Wichita, and decent jobs, too.