I suppose I'm not the first one to experience heartbreak

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

But damn if it doesn’t still hurt. I was with him for about a year and a half, and we were both very comfortable. Apparently, that was the problem, because he liked being around me, but he just didn’t think he had the right feeling in his heart for me. I have to say, I felt it was the situation for some time now, but it’s just sucks with all the thoughts that run through my head. It’s nice to be able to sit down at the end of the day with someone and talk about everything, about how our day was, about what to have for dinner, about what our plans for the weekend would be. There were rare occasions where we would talk about adopting more cats, or adopting a dog sometime in the far future. There were no solid plans to move in together, but I always thought that I would move out with him eventually. Now all that has been taken away from me, and I feel like I can’t find anyone else ever again. Logically, I know this isn’t true… that someday, I’ll find someone who is more appropriate for me. Emotionally, I’m still a big mess.

This is so much harder on me than I would ever anticipate, because I was finally working through my depression and had a good grip on life. Now, it just seems like all the things I worked so hard to overcome has come crashing back at me ten times worse. He has problems of his own that he has to work through, and I know I have to let him go and do his own thing. Whether we have a chance in the future or not is not up for discussion right now. Things are so complicated. I’d like to have some time away from him, but we have a cat together. The cat means so much more to me than it does to him, but she lives with him right now. I can’t take her in to live with me. I want to hold her and cuddle with her and tell her that both of us love her, but I can’t because even though we resolved to be friends, what he needs is time away from me. He told me that it’s okay to visit her whenever I want, but how can I do that when our relationship isn’t the same anymore?

I don’t have many friends as it is, and the ones that I’ve spilled my heart out to try to be there for me, but they’re busy with their own lives. I feel so utterly alone in this, and I don’t know how to handle it. It feels like I’ve done so much for myself these past couple of years, but all it takes is just one thing to ruin it all, and I can’t even have my cat here with me as a source of comfort. I really don’t want to be me right now.

2
  1. You will meet someone who is right for you. Trust me on this
  2. There are many people here who will talk over E-mail or IM about what happened during your day or if you need advise or to vent (I’m one of them)
  3. Time invested in a relationship is never lost. It helps you learn new things about yourself and life.
3

The general rule is, it takes twice as long to get over him as you were with him. So settle in for about three years of steadily decreasing degrees of crapitude.

4

Broken hearts suck. Always. They do heal, but you already know that.

{{{Sad and Deranged}}}

5

Thanks for the replies. For a while, I thought this thread would drop to the bottom of the page and dissapear, thus confirming the notion that no one cares about me. But I’m very glad that some people care enough about a faceless entity on the internet enough to reply.

(Sorry if what I’m about to type might come out as a jumbled mess, I just want to type and get it out)

It really sucks that this relationship has ended because he is really a good guy. It’s just that the timing isn’t right, or he’s not ready to be in such a serious relationship, or… whatever it is, it’s just not the time. I’ve been in relationships before, but this is the first one where I took it seriously. This is the first relationship where I looked at our future. This is the first relationship where I saw myself with him in something more. That makes it suck that much more.

I’m trying to do things I normally would do with my life, but school doesn’t start for another two weeks. I have nothing to occupy my time other than to surf the internet, and eventually, I run across a whole bunch of things that reminds me that I’m not in a relationship anymore. I start crying when I read about people in a happy relationship, because I envy them. I start crying when I read about other people’s heartbreak, because I know exactly how they feel. I go to work, and I try to put a brave face on, because the last thing a co-worker wants is for someone in the office to behave unprofessionally and sob her eyes out while answering the telephone or to people coming in inquiring about our services.

Like I said before, I appreciate all my friends doing all they can about me. Unlike my younger days, the people around me do have their own lives now, and they can’t be around me and comfort me whenever I need it. I do have some online friends I can chat with, but it’s nothing like having the physical comfort of someone sitting next to me and being able to speak to them face to face. And once again, I appreciate everyone who replied, or replies to this thread, because as much as it’s just online interaction, someone cares enough to read what I have to ramble on about.

Because of many issues relating to my personal life, I need to have a web of support, and he was one major character in that web. While we’ve agreed to be friends for the sake of our cat, I know that his support for me won’t ever be the same, and it devastates me to think of my life without the support of someone who truly cares.

6

I’m going through a very similar situation myself so I just want to lend my condolences and support. The best advice I have received is to write, about anything really. It doesn’t have to be about him, perhaps it’s even better if it’s not (I know I can’t yet bring myself to write about her without tearing up) but just the process of putting your thoughts and feelings on paper can help, at least it has for me. I’ve also tried to mentally disassociate what I miss of the relationship (the warmth and intimacy, the emotional support, etc.) from thoughts of her, it’s helped me move past her and convince myself that I can regain what was lost with someone else.

I’ll reaffirm the rest of what MannyL said as well. Sometimes being able to vent and know that someone else is listening can do wonders. And even though it hurts try to keep in mind that eventually your time with him will be a fond memory (so it sounds from your descriptions), and not a regret.

7

The old canard about “time healing all wounds” is true. Unfortunately, time never moves as quickly as we want it to in this situation. Just hold on and continue to put one foot in front of the other, breath, and start again each day. Eventually, you’ll wake up and realize that it’s been X amount of time and it’s better by .0001 percent. Then that process will repeat but you’ll be older, multiplied. And it will simply keep going, with too many bumps along the way I’m unhappy to report, until you’ve moved on with your life.

'Til you see that happen though, I’m so very sorry and I’m wishing you peace, Hagan Daaz and well being. Because that’s the best revenge, for you and them. :wink:

8

Sad and Deranged, I’ve been depressed, and I’ve been dumped. You’ve got my sympathy, and my concern - I’m here to help. So I want to show you something that worries me.

Listen to what you’re telling yourself, and us:

Here you’re trying to tell us how you feel. That’s a good thing, but I think these statements aren’t so much feelings as declarations. “Sad” is a feeling. “Angry” is a feeling. You probably feel both, and more. You have a right to feel both, and more. You have a right to all your feelings.

But instead of giving us your feelings, I worry that here you’re showing us the negative thoughts that lead people like us down the road to depression. In people like us, these thoughts can arise automatically, and are very insidious. You’ve got to work at recognizing these thoughts when you have them, and you’ve got to work at beating them down, because they’re only true if you believe them - it doesn’t have to take “just one thing to ruin it all”. You can find someone else (even though your happiness need not depend on finding someone else. You can learn to make **yourself ** happy, alone or with a partner).

Please don’t believe this. Please don’t tell yourself this.

Of course you feel sad. Most everyone in your shoes feels sad. But you’re not the same person you were before you beat depression, and you’re not fighting the same battles that you fought before you beat depression. This is different - this sadness over a failed relationship gets better on its own; depression doesn’t.

So please don’t invite depression back into your life. Understand that the failure of this relationship implies neither that YOU are a failure, nor that the challenges you’ve overcome aren’t real and a sign of your true strength. You need to replace those negative thoughts with positive affirmations of your strength. Maybe you could tell yourself that it’s OK to miss your ex and to feel sad for awhile, but that you’re a strong person and you’re getting stronger, and when this phase has passed, you’ll be wiser and stronger than you’ve ever been. You’re a survivor. You’re a super-survivor.

Yeah, that’s more like it! So why tell yourself something that, logically, you know isn’t true? Don’t lie to yourself, Sad and Deranged!

How? By any means necessary?

You can go over there and visit your cat, if you want to, either when your ex is there or when he’s not, because your cat misses you and would like to see you. By the way, is it possible for you to set the goal of having the cat come live with you eventually?
Sad and Deranged, I hope you’ll think about what I’ve said, and if you’re not seeing a counselor, I hope you’ll think about that, too; because I’d hate for you to suffer any more than you already have. I know what that’s like, and it sucks. For you, I hope that one day soon you’ll feel like changing your screen name to “Happy and Well-Adjusted”. :slight_smile:

9

Sorry to hear your news. Sending supporting thuoghts your way.

10

Please don’t assume this is going to destroy your progress or that you’ll never be happy. I’ve fought depression on and off, and also had a three-year relationship dissolve. He was my best friend and I’d just kind of assumed it would last, and didn’t know what I’d do when I saw it beginning to fall apart. I think I prolonged the inevitable by putting up with a lot of things for a year or so out of desperation, when it would have been more merciful for him to tell me he didn’t think we should continue, rather than playing the cowardly but understandable games that he did, intended to get me annoyed at him and break it off. Years later, I’m still married to my (new) best friend, and he’s a wonderful man. I always look forward to coming home from work to be with him.

It wasn’t a waste, either. You learned things during that time. Hopefully you can take away from this that maybe just being in a relationship for the sake of being in one isn’t necessarily worth it, like I did. A lot of people will put up with problems, small and large, just because they prefer the known problems of their relationship to having to be alone, and that isn’t right - either try to work on the problems, or moving on is the best thing.

At least you broke up before moving in together, too. [Hijack: I had a friend who in college moved in with his girlfriend and another woman. During the middle of a rental year (heck, maybe even the first rental year), the two of them broke up painfully, and they ended up switching rooms so that the two women (non-romantically) shared the larger bed/room, because none of them could afford to break the lease. :eek: ] That’d have added a huge layer of complications to the breakup. And hey, at least you don’t have even more pets to make “custody” issues even more complex.

You’re stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. Depression is a bitch, but you know you’ve got the tools to get better. You can make it through this.

11

suspects that Eve needs a hug too…

{{Eve}}
{{S&D}}

Y’all need more coffee, though, I will say.

12

If it helps you to know this, I want to share.

About 2 months after the most painful breakup I’d ever experienced, I started dating my husband. I’ve spoken to a number of people who’ve experienced the same thing. Painful, devastating breakup, followed by finding “the one”.

Funny though, when hubby and I started dating, the LAST thing I wanted was a boyfriend. What I wanted was a boy, friend, with benefits.

Speedy heart-healing to you. It just gets better and better with time.

13

Oh, heavens, no–all my breakup woes are years in the past, happily.

14

Well, you sounded more grumpy than sardonic. But feel free to just take the coffee. :cool:

15

Once again, I really appreciate everyone who replied to this thread. And not to snub anyone or anything, but Enter the Flagon, your post meant the most to me. (Sorry everyone else, I tried to find his/her email address for a more private gratitude for his/her post, but just couldn’t find it, so here it is made public). If you were here right now, I’d give you a great big hug. Ah, screw it, I suppose an internet hug is almost as good. {{{{{Enter the Flagon}}}}}

I really appreciate your concern over the thoughts I was expressing earlier. You’re right… I think I was trying to convince myself to go down that spiral of depression, just because it seems so much easier to give into it than to fight it. Sometimes, I do get tired of fighting it, but I also know that in the end, some people get dealt from a deck of cards that might be flawed, and you have to be tough to work through it and find the right hand to play with. It’s also really hard for a lot of people in my life, friends and family, to understand what depression is really about. There are so many people I come across that say “I’m depressed”, but they really don’t understand what real depression feels like and exactly what it’s like to struggle through it. I really really appreciate your understanding and pointing out for me the path my thoughts were leading down.

The depression isn’t an easy battle… and it’s something that I saw when I attended group therapy. That was actually the first (and only) time I sought help, and when I listened to other people say how they have been in and out of depression, I couldn’t help but wonder why people, who learned all these skills and tools to combat depression, that they “let” themselves spiral back in again. Surely, it can’t feel good or appropriate to be depressed. Now, I have a clearer understanding of how some people can just give up the fight and become depressed again. Not me though, at least I hope not. I shouldn’t allow myself to go back down that path, because that path is most definitely NOT fun.

Now, I’m going to babble more about my situation and my thoughts and feelings about all of this… (skip if you must)

I think the things I’m most concerned and upset about over this breakup is:

  1. My cat, and her happiness
  2. The loss of someone to support me and speak to me whenever I need comfort

My ex (wow, it’s weird to call him that) and I have had some time to discuss both situations now that we’ve had a few days to think about both our situation. Like I mentioned before, we have to be friends for the sake of our cat. Not that we are forcing a friendship or anything, but I think we both love our cat too much to make her suffer through something that is not her fault. Even if it was her fault, she shouldn’t have to suffer through it. She’s still quite young, another twenty years or so left in her (I hope! I don’t want to think about her death right now) so the ex and I will probably be in each other’s lives for the next twenty years. I love her more than he does, but that doesn’t mean his love for her can be ignored. Soooooo, that means he and I will have to find a way to be in each other’s lives without being akward.

That’s okay by me. As long as my cat is happy, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, even if that means having to see my ex be happy with someone else. Little tidbit… I didn’t visit her at all for about two days, and my ex called me up at work and asked me when I could go over and see her. He said when he got home both nights, she was acting really weird, and he could just tell that I hadn’t been to see her. He said that she really misses me and I should go over and see her so she doesn’t think I’ve abandoned her. I went over last night and saw her. When I greeted her, she stuck her nose up in the air and ignored me. So I apologized for not taking the time to see her, and told her that her mommy and daddy will try to work something out so that I can see her as much as she needs me. My ex also said that she pretends to be fine when I’m around, so she doesn’t worry me with her odd behaviour, but when I’m NOT around, it is very obvious that she’s wondering where I am and wants to see me.

Even before we broke up, I always planned to take the cat when I moved out on my own. (If I moved out on my own.) This sort of times into my second concern of someone to be there for me and support me. My post secondary education is a bit of a sticky situation right now. Because I took some time off school to work, and medical and because it took me a while to figure out what I wanted to major in, I have only a couple of years to finish my degree. If I don’t finish it within a certain amount of time, my school is going to say “Looks like you’re taking a little too long to finish your degree, BUH BYE!” Yeah, stupid system, but it’s so people don’t take twenty years to finish their degree. So, taking some more time off school to work and save up money to live on my own isn’t an option. Finishing my degree is very vital to my future. I can get a comfortable office job with my experience and skill right now, but in ten years, if I want any sort of advancement, people interviewing me will say “So you dropped out of university ten years ago… WHY?”

My family dynamic/relationship also come into play here. My parents are borderline (verbally) abusive. They don’t say things to hurt me, but they are not very tactful people. They are often very blunt and don’t consider other people’s emotions when they speak. In fact, I believe them to be very emotionally unavailable. I would love more than anything else in the world to get away from their constant belittling, but a lot of factors do come into play with that issue. A couple of years ago, in an effort to get away from my parents, I found three part time jobs. On top of going to school full time, this was too much stress for me to handle. I actually got very sick from it, both mentally and physically. Therefore, I think it would be too much stress for me to work full time and take on a full time job as well, to support myself. As I mentioned before with the school situation, I can’t work full time and go to school part time, because it would take me too long to finish my degree, and they will boot me out on my ass.

So, the only solution is to grit my teeth and work hard to finish my full time studies, while having a part time job, saving up some money for the day that I graduate and finally move out.

And because of the terrible situation with my parents, in the past year and a half, it was very comforting to be able to go over to my ex’s place and hang out with him and not have to see my parents. For the past year and a half, my parents and I barely spoke, and it was so absolutely wonderful. Of course, there were moments when they would push my buttons (they know exactly which buttons to push, and when) and I would get very upset, but it was comforting to know that if I needed a place to go, his was always available to me.

That’s what’s hard about this. Not to have a place to turn to when my parents get (borderline) abusive. I know, I can move out anytime I want to, but I am really not sure if it’s the right decision for me because of the stress I will endure, and I might actually end up more mentally unstable living on my own, working full time and going to school full time, than if I were to stick around my parents’ place for another couple of years and put up with their cruel remarks to me. I’m not sure many people understand this. It’s okay if no one else on this board does… I just think this is the best course of action for my overall mental health.

So, my ex and I had some time to discuss this. And like I mentioned before, he is a good guy. Just because we are not boyfriend/girlfriend does not mean he wants to throw me out to the wolves (my parents). We did resolve to be friends. We do have to wean ourselves off each other’s reliance on each other. So, while we don’t want to see each other every day like we used to, my cat still needs me. I still need a place to get away from my parents when they start becoming cruel again. So, if it’s okay by his landlady (who apparently likes both of us), he will set aside his bedroom for me, so when things get tough at home, I can go over and hide out in his room, and also be able to go over and play with my cat and keep her company whenever I want, and whenever she needs it. When I’m over, unless we both feel like a chat, he’ll leave me alone, and I will leave him alone too. I think that’s the hardest part of this solution… to leave each other alone and not speak everyday like we used to. And this solution may seem a little weird, or allows the both of us to not quite move on, but this is the best we can come up with given both our situations.

I had the realisation last night that while it hurts and it sucks that I’m not in a relationship anymore, I will be able to move on. Most people here are very correct in saying that it just takes some time. While I would be very very very upset and it would be incredibly akward if he were to start dating again tomorrow, I think I would be able to come to terms with it eventually. Maybe in a couple weeks, maybe in a couple of months, maybe in a couple of years… who knows? But eventually, I will be okay with both of us moving on. Now, it’s just a matter of waiting it out and seeing when that day will be.

16

Depression can be like a comfortable blanket over your emotions - get in deep enough and you don’t feel pain any longer. Or pleasure, for that matter. It also provides an illusory escape. It’s sort of like the accounts of someone suffering from hypothermia and just wanting to lie down and go to “sleep.” Just remember that following that path might be far, far worse than struggling, dealing with the pain, and moving on.

If you can, try to get involved in some kind of social activity that gets you out of the house and that you enjoy. The pain you feel at home shouldn’t drive you into anything that’s worse than you deserve, be it a relationship or an activity.

17

Oh shit. That means I still have three years to go before I get over my first relationship, and let’s not even talk about the second one. And here I was thinking I was over both of them.

18

I win! Yay, me! :stuck_out_tongue:

Well, this problem has now been rectified, Sad and Deranged, so you and anyone else who thinks I’m the greatest can privately tell me so. :smiley: Or, if you need an ear to bounce things off, you’re invited to email me.

Awww, right back atcha, **S & D **.

I promise that it gets easier the longer you work at it. Then, one day, you come to the realization that, by golly, life *doesn’t * have to be so hard. Sometimes it can be easy! It can be fun!

No doubt that’s true, but there are people who do understand, and there are support groups, too, just waiting for someone to help. Depression is a pretty common malady in our society, unfortunately.

You go, girl!

Well, I understand it. It sounds like you’re choosing the lesser of two evils, correct? And as stressful as living with your parents can be, your education has to take priority, right? And so anything that jeopardizes your educational goals should be avoided, yes?

So then, the challenge is this - minimizing the destructive effects of your parents’ barbs. You may want to work up some strategies for dealing with this problem.

As an illustration, I’ll tell you one of mine: when I’m talking with a negative person (which almost never happens anymore, as I actively avoid them), who seems to need to try to hurt me, I’m looking at my shoes - you know why? It’s because I’m visualizing their words, in typewritten form, bouncing off of my ears and falling in an indecipherable heap at my feet. Sounds strange, maybe, but it works for me.

You go, girl.

19

Here’s some old fart advice you can take to the bank:

Want to avoid what you’re feeling now? Put out the “Marriage only” sign, kiddo. Buy a modest but elegant wedding dress, find a guy who looks good in a tux and spend the rest of your lives together figuring stuff out. The last time I got dumped was 35 years ago. I thought I was gonna’ die! Never again – Razorette and I met at a party while we were both on the rebound. We were both on our own, fairly self-sufficient and tired of living alone. We charged down the aisle a year later and never looked back. Hasn’t been easy, but it’s been a helluvalot more exciting than the alternative. And I have never, ever had that “Nobody wants me, I’m all alone” feeling again – even when she goes to visit her sister and leaves me to tend her stupid lapdog and she calls to tell the dog good-night and tell me how much fun she’s having.

Get married. You’ll thank me later.

20

S&D, nobody can fuck you up like family. It isn’t only that your parents know exactly where does it hurt and have no compuctions about hitting the same spot that’s already black from yesterday’s blows, it’s also that, every time they do it, the part of you that’s still a little girl thinks, in a voice so small you may not even hear it consciously, “aren’t these people supposed to protect and help me? Why are they hurting me instead?”

Oh dear, I think there was a sale in commas! Oops.

Things get better, I’m told. Never been down that path myself (apologies to those who think I oughta go and get my heart broken just for the experience) but I’ve got a lot of practice in the role of “sensible shoulder to cry on”. {{{{{S&d}}}}}