I haven’t written much here but I’ve read quite a few threads and people seem to be very helpful and supportive here, and I’m at my wits end right now. I broke up with a boyfriend of three years because he is unable to commit to the relationship. We’ve been living in his house for 2 years. I turned 30 last year and settling down and having a family is very much on my mind whereas he is “not ready”. We discussed it a number of times and we nearly broke up last Christmas - he promised he’d go to a psychiatrist to work on his commitment phobia so I agreed to wait for a few months. He did go a few times but then he had to go on business trips every week and had to cancel appointments and it’s not easy to get a new one… What I saw for the last few weeks is when he’s home he spends all his free time buying and selling stuff on eBay, watching TV etc. There’s zero effort on his part to change anything. When I told him it might be time for me to leave, he said that maybe that was what’s needed to bring him back to his senses (meaning he might change his mind about not willing to commit if I just get out of his face). I really don’t feel like playing all these games when I pretend to leave just to make him realise he can’t live without me. As far as I’m concerned, if I leave, I leave. On the other hand, I love him. We went through a lot of stuff together - his mother’s death for instance (from cancer - it was horrible for everyone)… I’m quite close with his father and other relatives. Parts of me are just screaming at me to forget about everything and just stay… but I wouldn’t be happy in the long run, I know that.
I need to find a place to live and then move. It’s all so overwhelming and I even doubt whether I can deal with it all. I have to mention that I am an immigrant in Australia (got a job here, moved to Sydney, met my boyfriend a few months later) and I have no relatives here. I do have friends so I can stay with them for a couple of nights. After that I’ll have to deal with nightmares of finding a place to live in Sydney (and it is a nightmare I remember all too well) and move all my stuff. This, on top of emotional pain is just plain horrible. I was depressed in the past, had suicidal thoughts, visited a psychologist, eventually got out of it (had to learn to be kind to myself - still struggling with it sometimes). I don’t know what to do right now… Called work, washed my car and did my laundry, have to go to work soon… At least I don’t have to worry about my visa as I got it without my boyfriend’s involvement.
Sorry for rambling… Just being alive hurts right now.
Sorry for what you’re going through, though it sounds like you did the right thing. You’ll have to try to stay strong until you feel strong again. So many times the person you love isn’t the person you’re compatible with for the long haul. You owe it to yourself to find the one who is in the same place you are commitment-wise. Good luck with getting through these early days.
It hurts, but if he doesn’t want these things that are important to you, neither of you is likely to remain happy in this relationship without maintaining an unhealthy level of denial.
If you can make it to Canada your welcome to stay here - lots of room ( I mean in our house, although Canada has lots of room too).
Seriously though, even if it sucks to be you right now, it sounds like your doing the right thing. If someone needs to be coerced into making a commitment they’re doing it for all the wrong reasons.
Take comfort in knowing that the pain you feel now will eventually subside and diminish, whereas if you were to stay with him there really is no end in sight for the pain and anguish the relationship is causing you.
Also sounds like you’ve been through worse, so know you can get through this too.
I’m sorry you are having a bad time, but just think about how much help and fun he will be with children around. He’ll be on-line ignoring you and the kids.
You shouldn’t have to work so hard at a relationship. Love is great, but it isn’t the only ingredient in a happy relationship. I’ve loved plenty of men who weren’t right for me as life partners. You know this already; just give yourself a little time to grieve and fully absorb it.
One day I hope you will meet someone who won’t require games to be played – someone who wants the same things in the life that you do. And you will appreciate him all the more, because you have this relationship to reflect back on.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. Yes, I know that it’s the right thing to do but the pain is almost unbearable. I just have to live through this, I guess. I did live in denial for a while, hoping that we’d get to the point when he’s ready and finding ways to stay relatively happy but at some point I need to face reality and admit that it’s not working…
dawson
Best reply ever. Not that I will go to Canada… but one of my best friends is Canadian (she lives in Sydney though). She’s been very supportive and I’m considering staying in her spare bedroom for a few days before her new flatmate moves in. Gotta love Canadian people.
It sucks, and I’ve been there. It was worse when after I broke up with him, he begged me to reconsider months later, saying he could change. If they could change, they would have done so already. Even though breaking up is the right thing to do, it still hurts. You can allow yourself to mourn for the relationship despite the fact that ending it was a good thing.
I think I read the OPs problem in today’s local paper’s Agony Aunt column.
The answer was: run away now.
The guy is not interested in a long term relationship on any terms but his own.
He’s turned away from you instead of working on the commitment issues.
He’s not really interested in seeking help.
It’s painful to drop a dream; it’s painful to realize you misread the guy or the situation.
However, go on about your life. Leave. It gets easier, I promise. And you won’t find a better partner if you keep trying the same old things with the guy who isn’t ready to move forward.
Stay strong, sister! You moved to Australia from someplace else and survived that hassle, right? You managed to survive through 30 years of life, aye? You can do this, too. I know it’s kinda cliche, but breaking up won’t actually leave you broken. Your heart (and head) will heal just fine in time.
And because I’ve heard the sentiment before: the time spent with him wasn’t “wasted time”. Life is like a rollercoaster: sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, but the point is just to stay on the ride (and have as much fun as you can).
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s tough to make that kind of choice, especially when nothing is actively bad, but it just isn’t working. There will be a period of mourning. That’s natural and normal. Let yourself grieve.
If the greif seems to be getting out of hand, PM me and I’ll send you some resources I’ve used help get me through heartache.
I think you did the right thing. Remember, there is nothing keeping him from committing. He was perfectly capable of doing it, and he already chose not to. He had plenty of time, and he kept choosing not to. That’s a painful thing, but try to remember that that is his story, not yours. It probably has nothing to do with who you are at all- it’s just a matter of where he is in his life. There are men out there who will fight for you. There are men that would give the world not to hurt you. There are men who will look at you and just sigh to think of how lucky they are to have you in their life. Find one of those.
And the definition of crazy is “doing the same thing and expecting different results.” Good on you for not continuing to try the one thing that has been proven not to work.
I swear I didn’t write to any papers. I probably wouldn’t have written anything online either but I learned from experience that there’s nothing wrong with asking for support. You are all so nice, people, and I really appreciate it that you took the time to reply. Reading all these messages telling me that I’m doing the right thing… WOW. This helps.
HazelNutCoffee, oh I’m not the only one to go through this then :). I don’t know anymore whether he will want me back or not, although I suspect that he might. To be honest I prefer a definite answer and I told him in the past that giving me false hope is worse than just breaking up, so at least he managed not to ask me to stay this time (it’s extremely painful… but strangely, I feel at least some respect for him because of that - I need a chance to move on). He’s always been in a far more secure situation than me, living in his own house (in his own country, too!) with his Dad living next door and heaps of friends in the area (while if I want to see my friends I have to drive for at least an hour). He always told me that he was happy while being single for five years before we met, so he’ll be fine.
Snowboarder Bo
Yeah I was just thinking that I came to Australia 3 years ago with a thousand dollars in my pocket and no friends or family and survived. Saved quite a bit of money in 3 years, too. For some reason this feels so much worse though… it’s just so hard to accept.
even sven
Where are all these men hiding? I called my Mum this morning and she told me that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else (“you are so beautiful!”). That’s another thing - I don’t really want to jump straight into another relationship… I just can’t believe that someone who I love so much hurt me so badly. Repeatedly. Dave and I have a dog, too, and she loves me. Now I will probably never see her because when I rent I won’t be able to take her with me…
Sorry that I didn’t reply to everyone personally, I read every message three times and every single one of them means a lot to me.
Joking aside. Don’t hang around waiting for a definite answer. That was my biggest mistake. “I just want him to clearly reject me, and then I can move on.” Guys like that are incapable of doing that. They’ll hem and haw and waffle and keep stringing you along with that slender thread of hope. YOU have to be the one to cut it. It hurts like hell but you have to move on. And you will find someone you loves you and doesn’t take you for granted. I thought I never would after all that shit, but I did eventually, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But don’t feel pressured to find someone immediately. Like I said before, there’s nothing wrong with letting yourself grieve for a bit.
Yes. There’s always this tiny bit of hope I am trying to hang on to, trying to rationalize what I’m doing. There’s a great deal of affection between us even though we’ve had issues besides the commitment thing. Although when he told me that maybe I needed to leave for him to realize that he couldn’t live without me, it was too much. I mean, come on, do we have to live in the world of self-help books?
I’m staying over at a friend’s place tonight, had 2 glasses of wine (it’s 8 pm in Sydney), watching Seinfield. I chose to stay with this particular friend tonight because I know I won’t lose it in front of him. And Dave has just sent me a message that he’s sorry… I’m not going to reply.
Quoted for truth. He’s got EVERYTHING he wants and needs in the relationship status quo. He’s got companionship, he’s got sex, he’s got a conversational partner when he wants one, and he doesn’t have to commit to anything. He’s NEVER GOING TO REJECT THAT. Why would he? He’s got it all, all without having to take that big step. He has NO REASON to change the status quo…as long as the woman is willing to continue spinning in place wherever it’s convenient for him.
You’re the one who’s dissatisfied with the situation, so you’re the one who has to change the situation. Good for you for doing that!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this - I’m kind of afraid I might be doing it soon myself. I tried to break up with mine a few days ago, but ended up giving us a chance to work it out, and now we’re sort of “taking a break” which is what I wanted but of course he’s being super awesome now and he’s really offended by the whole break thing and now my mom has to go with me to my ten year college reunion because he doesn’t feel comfortable and errrruuugh.
Let’s picture someone is gay, and just now fully realizes it. He is in a relationship with a woman now, who he loves dearly and with whom he has had some amazing times, but he realizes that being with a woman is just not right for him.
His girlfriend can beat herself and keep coming back to “I can’t believe someone I love would do this to me,” but really, he’s not doing it to her. It’s not a sign that there was something wrong with their love or that he didn’t care about her “enough” or anything like that. She can say “He should have loved me more!” but in the end, it’s not that he didn’t want to- he just couldn’t. The greatest love in the world doesn’t change who a person is or what they need.
Listen to what people say about not getting strung along. He probably will call you back begging. After all- he has nothing to lose. But the moment you give him the time of day is the moment that you cut off any chance of him making an actual commitment. Listen to his actions, not his words.
