I just broke up with my boyfriend

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Human nature being what it is – she might just be willing to listen if the guy’s just a chump who needed a wake up call and is now willing to make significant visible changes to win her back. Key word significant (maybe I’d go so far as to say dramatic).

It isn’t without risk for her (or him) to consider this – the world’s full of unhappy marriages where someone made a big leap into a commitment with someone out of coercion, pity, ultimatum. So even if he shows up with a ring and asks if you guys can get married in three months, and runs out to tell his whole family that’s the plan, think it over.

What isn’t open to question is that if his “counter-offer” is the least possible concession that might win you back (i.e., the stuff you’ve heard before – “I’ll try to work on the intimacy/commitment issues, I’m looking into therapy, I’ve been talking to a clergyman to work through these issues, if you get back together we can think about getting engaged sometime soon”) – don’t buy it. Guys who are into making a relationship permanent and serious have a timetable, know the (pretty damn simple) steps they need to take to show their commitment and advance the ball. People vary in the speed with which they proceed to commitment, but the odds IME indicate that after a few years, an offer to take the smallest incremental step that will avert confrontation/breakup is the classic male game of conflict avoidance, kicking the can down the road, buying time, stalling, hoping something will magically change to make him crazy about a girl he’s – eh – about now.

I don’t demonize guys for doing this, there’s obviously something hardwired (if you can’t tell, I’m speaking from experience with friends, and myself, whom I’ve seen do this, even fooling themselves/ourselves that it’s kinder than a breakup) in some men that sets up this fundamental discord between (some) men and (some) women after a few years of dating. Doesn’t mean he’s a jerk or you’re a nag/clingy, just means you both have to look out for your own interests and do what’s best for both of you in the long run.

22

Sorry, **Hazel **and **alenaroo **- I got the last best Dave. He’s totally awesome.

There’s one out there for you, alenaroo. Just not this one. Be good to yourself; eat ice cream.

23

Sorry to hear it, breakups are rough. I was in a relationship where I was the commitment-phobe guy with a girl who was doing what you were doing, waiting for me to come around. And I actually DID try, she was a sweet girl and I loved her, but settling down and marrying and starting a family and such wasn’t something I saw appealing. It wasn’t her as a person, she was great, it was just that where she wanted things to go wasn’t where I wanted them to go.

I ended up breaking it off with her (crushed her heart, worst night ever) because I felt like a dick knowing she was waiting for me to come around someday and basically every time we talked about our future I could tell I was breaking her heart a little more and I didn’t want to waste years of her life on me when she could find a guy who’s looking for what she is.

You did the right thing breaking it off, even though it sucks right now. He’ll probably try to get you back, and you’ll probably be tempted to, but the best thing you can do is cut ties cold and move on. There are guys out there that want what you want and a relationship with them won’t be stressful and frustrating.

Communication and self-awareness are key in a stable relationship. You sound like you know what you want, and your ex doesn’t know what he wants…don’t waste time waiting for him to figure it out or you’ll end up right back here again.

My sympathies go out to ya!

  • TWTTWN
24

I might sound like that when I post here but believe me, I’m washed over by waves of despair. :frowning: I got just enough clothes to last me for two days in my car and I have problems with parking at work (we don’t have enough of it and there are policies about it, and I was just yelled at by our accountant for parking downstairs). I had a look for places I can rent and it doesn’t look good. I have all my stuff at his house. His birthday is on Monday and mine is on Wednesday, and there is a long weekend coming up. I broke into tears when the friend I stayed with last night offered me rolled oats for breakfast. I just keep telling myself that I can deal with it, over and over and over again… not sure if I believe it myself.

25

This is so true… I’ve told him as much - he’s got no incentive to change anything. And no matter how many times he visits a psychiatrist, he’s the one who needs to make a decision, nobody else will do it for him. So it’s up to me to change the situation. It sucks, it really does.

26

Not that my situation was the same as yours, but when I finally broke up with my girlfriend of two and half years, I had a friend I would call whenever I felt like giving in and getting back together with her (she would have, if only to gain the power back). He was instructed to remind me how crappy our relationship was and how miserable I was when I was in it. This really seemed to help, because when I was hurting I would always minimize the lousy parts of the relationship and remember the good stuff. Human nature I guess.

27

dawson, that’s why I keep rereading this thread - I need a reminder that I’m doing the right thing. I know that he’s in pain right now, too, but it’s not enough for him to change his mind, I guess that’s just who he is - a person unable to commit. Even if he did propose now, I would be full of doubts… :frowning: I know he’s not ready to have kids and he probably won’t be ready in a year (or two), either.

28

My ex proposed to me before we broke up, which I took as a sign he was ready to change, but in the end it was an empty gesture. The thing is, I’m sure he sincerely believed he could change. After our break up, he wrote me saying that he could change FOR REAL this time. I might have have believed him if he had changed his situation first and THEN tried to win me back. I’m sure some guys can do it, but in my experience it’s best not to sit around hoping that they will. (Although I had to learn the hard way - I waited over a year for something to give before I came to my senses.)

What really angered me in his last letter was the phrase “I know it’s in my power to have what I want.” For the longest time, this is how I thought of our situation as well. It’s up to HIM to make a decision - does he want me or not? The hard part is shifting that responsibility to YOU, and telling him - it’s not fucking in his power anymore. He had his chances and he blew it, and you have decided that it’s over. And I really admire you for being able to do that - I couldn’t bring myself to do it until there was an ocean and a continent between us, and even then it was hard.

29

I probably wouldn’t have been able to do it if he had actually asked me to stay when I was leaving on Tuesday. We had a huge argument the night before and he wasn’t nice at all when I was leaving. I wasn’t very nice either. :frowning: and now I just keep telling myself that I need to do it, that it’s not going to get better if I stay.

He kept coming up with reasons to not commit - we argue too much, I have abandonment issues etc etc. Somehow it was always my fault one way or another - and silly me, I changed trying to make it work - not for myself but for him… Then last Christmas he finally admitted that he did have commitment issues himself. Admitting it is not enough though. It’s not easy to change - and I don’t see him going through with that. :frowning:

Life sucks right now. :frowning:

30

This is what I had in mind when I said don’t contemplate going back unless he makes a significant, no, dramatic and real-world-measurable change in position. Otherwise, you’re left wondering, is this just the next hand he’s playing out, out of situational desperation? After enough time, and at the right age (I’m assuming none of us are talking about some 24 year old chick crazily backing up the moving truck to move in after three weeks of dating), most women and men, if they think about it rationally, know what “real commitment” does, and doesn’t, look like, and what it takes. Guys who passively leave real or imagined roadblocks/dealbreakers to long-term commitment/togetherness in the way are either doing so purposefully, or doing so inadvertently in a way that is, effectively, not worth distinguishing from purposefully.

31

Great job on the break up – it sounds like it was 100% the right thing to do. Whatever you do, don’t go back to him. kimera was exactly right: if he had cared enough about you and your relationship to want to commit to it, he would have done so before this. Even if the breakup scares him into thinking he’d rather commit than be alone, all you’ll end up with is someone in a relationship they clearly didn’t want.

Don’t talk to him, don’t see him, just focus on surviving right now. Find a place, get your stuff moved, and just get through these early days. It will get so much better that at some point you’ll look back on your days with him and shudder, but for now your only job is to keep moving forward (and away from him).

32

Day by day. The feeling of depression and hurt will, eventually, subside. But you cannot get through to the other side before going through the pain. Keep busy, exercise, and try new things.

Good luck to you.

33

I married a man with commitment issues. It didn’t work. [Even now, my children say to me, “What the Hell were you thinking?”].

What helped me, once he found an even stupider woman than I, was remembering the decisions I made when I was thinking clearly, because when he was around I had
emotional commitment issues of my own.

Remember Bea Arthur as Maude? “God will get you for that.”

The woman he left me for, threw him out after about 4 years. He wanted back; I said NO.

He tried to hook up with one of his druggie friends, who tossed him out after 2 months.

He lived on his own, on social assistance (when he found work, his bosses didn’t like him, he said). His two children didn’t communicate with him after they reached about 14.

He tried telling me that he still thought of me as his wife (at that point we’d been divorced seven years).

About a year ago, I had a phone call from the local police. He’d died, alone, on the toilet as it happened. They were notifying me as he’d had me down as his next of kin …

I let our children know he’d passed on. Neither was much interested.

My point is that, as our oldest said, “He made his bed - tough noogies.”

So the guy who passed up on someone like you, also made his own bed. Let him lie in it, and move on, knowing that you deserve a hell of a lot better.

an seanchai

34

I’m wondering, what does the OP, and the other posters, mean when they say commitment? Is it literally just marriage? Is it having kids? Exactly what does a man do to demonstrate that he seeks commitment?

Seriously, help a brother out, my girly has dropping commitment related terms into our conversations lately, and I’d love to get a general sense of where women are coming from with regards to commitment desires from men.

Oh and of course, I hope everything will work out for the OP. People break up. It’s sucks, but you can survive. When you do feel ready to get back into dating, you are more likely to find a guy if you make some moves yourself. I see so many women who sit around passively waiting for a man they like to make the first move. Lots of guys, especially the nice and sweet ones who are ok with committing, can be a bit shy when it comes to asking a girl out.

35

We could give you advice, but I think it may well vary between women, or more importantly - between women here and the woman in your life. You really need to talk to her. It could be that she wants marriage, or kids, or maybe she hates both of those ideas but wants you to move in together, or to move to “the big city” together so you can pursue your careers, or… who knows? Talk to the one woman who matters.

36

How long have you been dating her? How old is she?

37

Talk to her? That’s…just crazy. No good can come from that.

She’s been talking a lot about moving in together, and little about marriage. I know everyone is different, but since it seems to be a common problem with relationships, I was interested in doing a bit of comparing and contrasting, as well as adding to my own general wisdom about such things by reading other people’s experiences/opinions. I brought the subject up since several posters seemed to think that the OP’s boyfriend had obvious and typical “commitment phobia.” Except it’s not obvious to me. I feel like I’m in a room full of chemists working on a complex problem, and I’m desperately trying to get a general idea of what’s going on based on that honors chem class I took in the 10th grade.

She’s 24. We’ve been dating for 3 years.

38

Sigh. I’ve had this situation happen to many friends as well (mostly girls, but one guy as well). Lesson learned is don’t move in with someone unless you both have a timeline for a marriage. Otherwise he’s getting what he wants without you getting what you want. If you want kids and you’re already 30, you really didn’t have that time to waste either. Good luck with healing.

39

Ah. Then I’d say that she’s definitely talking about marriage and family. 3 years is long enough for you to have ascertained if this is a person that you want to be married to and have children with. She’s made it clear to you that she wants that. If you don’t think it’s possible, or if you have no desire to move toward that goal, then it’s fair to say that you have “commitment issues.” It’s also fair to say that she’s not accepting reality.

40

To me, it’s not just (or not necessarily) marriage. It’s planning future with the assumption that we are going to stay together long term and that the relationship is going to evolve in a way that satisfies both partners in the spirit of mutual trust and understanding.