Broken heart, crushed dreams

My heart has been broken. My boyfriend and I were a week away from moving to California together, and last night he decided to dump me. He said he hasn’t been happy lately and he isn’t smiling as much as he used to. Also, that his life is fragmented between us (I moved an hour away after I graduated), work, and his friends. To be honest our relationship has been fantastic. We go to each others houses every time we have a day off. We have only been in two fights, but he says he is starting to see cracks in the relationship. Most couples have huge holes, I just don’t know why he is running away at the second sign of a crack. I asked why he and his last gf broke up and in short he has commitment issues. I know that he needs to grow, and that its not me, he just isn’t ready to commit but I just don’t know what to do.

Since he is having these feelings he wanted to go ahead and get it over with so that he doesn’t regret it later. I have been in 4 long term relationships and I know what I want… him. I was ready to marry him, and he said something was missing. I think I pushed him away. I wanted to much and he got scared. Now I’m wishing for a time machine. I am severely depressed, feel sick, and keep having thoughts of death. That is something I would never do, but that doesn’t mean the thoughts aren’t there. And now the thought of him leaving, 2000 miles away, not getting a second chance after he figures out how great we had it… kills me inside. Soul obliterated.

To top it all off we just got a family plan on our phone. I can’t afford to move by myself, my dreams have been crushed. I think I’m going to puke. :frowning:


Sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately, the relationship wasn’t satisfactory to him, and that doesn’t mean either of you are in the wrong. It just is.

I will say this. He did you a giant favor breaking up before the move if that’s how he felt… better this than breaking up with you AFTER your move… leaving you unable to afford a place to live on your own and not knowing anyone except him.

Don’t ask me how I know.

Perspective. Just be thankful you aren’t trapped in a mine.

Does anything less tragic suddenly become trivial, then?

There was that thread a few months ago about that guy who moved with his girlfriend to California (?) then she started having an online relationship with someone else back home. That ended in tears.

Gordokins, you think he’s the right one for you, but I think you’re wrong - the right one for you will want you back as much as you want him. I don’t think you pushed him away or screwed things up; I just don’t think you were as compatible as you thought you were. That isn’t anyone’s fault.

Jeeze, reading that doesn’t sound very nice, but I am trying to make you feel better. Honest. :slight_smile:

You don’t mention age or circumstances. Maybe you both are too young. Anyway, he’s not into you. You are so much better off knowing now. If you can’t afford to move on you own, but he can, then there is a disparity of resources. He may have felt that his load/responsibility would be too great and he did not want to be stuck if things went sour later. He made them go sour sooner.

If you really want to live in California you’ll eventually get here on your own. You don’t need him for that.

And in the meantime, you’ve avoided the extremely unpleasant experience of being abruptly forced to fend for yourself in a strange city.

I know things suck right now, but it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.

That thing about loving something, setting it free, and keeping it if it comes back. Or hunting it down and killing it if it doesn’t. (Not really on the hunting/killing thing. That would be illegal.)

Thank you. This line of reasoning makes me want to stab.
elnino**, I’m not good at offering encouraging words, as I’m typically annoyed by people whining and my advice is most frequently “Suck it up,” but I’ll give it a go. That said, I know exactly where you’re coming from. I remember the day I learned that the term “heart ache” was more than just an expression; you feel physical pain in your chest. I’ve had a relationship with a person I thought was my One True Love suddenly blow up in my face, and the resulting feeling that life was over. I once came home to a note that said “I’ve moved” and that’s it. I didn’t even think it was possible to hurt so bad. Have I sufficienly built up my “I know where you’re coming from” cred yet?

Good. If you’re anything like me, you will eventually realize that he was either very unhappy for a while, which is obviously not conducive to a relationship, or he simply flees when things get hard or he’s unsure, also bad. Either way, as painful as the breakup may be right now, you’re better in the long run. I know exactly how you feel now, and I know this all sounds like a bunch of bla bla bla from some lady on the internets, but it is true. You will be all right.

The double whammy does suck, but Hamster and Hello both have a good point. You’re not on your own stuck in a strange city with inadequate resources.

If he isn’t ready, then you didn’t push him away. He has to be ready, and that’s something he controls. It may be useless to say this, but don’t torture yourself and try to think of ways to get him to do something. It isn’t going to work unless he wants to, and he doesn’t.

The heartache is hard, no lie, but it will pass even if it doesn’t seem like it now. The best advice I can give is something an old friend offered to me: keep yourself busy. Keep your mind focused on other things, and time will pass, and it will hurt less.

A friend of mine followed her boyfriend out to Denver when he went to grad school. He broke up with her two weeks after the move. Before is better than after–but obviously never is better than either. It’s a shitty situation, and I’m sorry for you.

I am 24 and he is turning 24 in a week. I can’t believe I will be missing his birthday. Do I still give him his present?

Also, we had a dog together . I LOVE this dog but he stayed with him since I already have a dog. He gave me the option of keeping him. Should I? I don’t want to be taking him away. But then again, I don’t want to lose him either.

Can we get, like, a 20 minute edit window so that I can say everything but the first two sentences of my post is directed at the OP and not nino? It would only apply to me, and be sanctioned under the Special Dopers rule. Thanks!

Dorkness, something similar happened to a friend of mine. They chose the same college on purpose so that they could be together, then he dumped her over the summer after they’d both already decided where to go. Freshman year must have been awkward!


OP. Take a few days to wallow in it and be miserable. Really, do it. Be sad and listen to sad songs and sit around and wonder “what if” and absorb it.

After that try to look at a plan of attack to get your life back on track. It suuuuuuucks that he’s gone and you still love him. Don’t try to get him back. Focus on you. Focus on being a better you. Make lists of things you need to get done and start doing them. Figure out another plan.

Why do you want to move to California? Start there.


And no matter what people say, you are not lame for crying, and/or listening to Simply Red’s “Holding Back the Years” over and over again.

I have to be back at work tomorrow. I don’t think I will be able to hold it together. I have to tell everyone “Oh hey, by the way, I am not moving.” And then everyone is going to want to know why… I will probably start balling again. I bartend and wait tables, and as a bartender everyone knows my business.

I am sorry to hear your news. Nothing I can say will make the hurt go away, so I will only offer a wish for speedy healing.

No, quick and easy sex may seem like the answer, but give it some time.

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

As others have said, even though the timing seems horrible to you, take it from those of us who can view the situation unemotionally: you are very fortunate.

The day will come when you fully believe this; until then, best of luck to you.

(and then you can start balling again)