While this may not be exactly what I wanted my first post on the board after years of lurking to be, I’m alright with that. I’ve enjoyed reading this board for a variety of reasons, and now I’m turning here for guidance? For advice? Or perhaps, just to feel like I’m not alone. Or just to put it out and vent in a more peaceful way. On that note, I hope this is the right forum?
Let me begin with a little background. I spent five wonderful years in a relationship with woman. From high school sweethearts to college lovers we spent great times together. These five years need little discussion, they were wonderful, if confining, which I’ll get to.
A little over a year ago I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was, but I didn’t feel right. Rather than sitting down immediately and attempting to figure out the problems I was having, their cause, and possible solutions, I did what I’d always done, I ran. I broke things off with her ran away, and hid from my problems. I thought everything was better. I was ok now - it was the relationship, that’s what it was. Without that, everything was fine. Hah.
Fast forward six months, I here through a mutual friend that she’s in a new relationship with someone, an old high-school acquaintance of mine. My impact with reality was heard in Nova Scotia I’m sure, as was the following breakdown.
From here, I decide it would be brilliant of me to call her up. After the obvious profession of love and regret from me and the cold shoulder from her I’m left devastated.
And here we turn to the events of the past six months or so. I sought out various counselors to get through the immediate depression, abandonment, helplessness issues.
Here at least I can throw in some positives, the past sixth months have resulted in at least some growth on my part, which has been commented on by friends and family. I’ve found new activities and areas of interest to pursue. I’ve gotten far more involved in the things I like. After some serious self examination, while I’ve not conquered tendencies like personal dishonesty and my flight response, I’ve grown better at recognizing them. Generally speaking I’ve gotten a better handle on my life, where I’m going, and what I want.
Yet, at the same time, I struggle daily fighting off depression, I’ve gotten better, but I still lose sometimes, a lot of it revolving around my ex and other issues that have sprung up from other females demonstrating interest in me. With other women, I’ve avoided relationships, in part I think because part of me is scared of a relationship again, and another part of me is irrationally convinced that nothing could be as good as what I used to have? I range from feelings of guilt, and sadness to her loss to what I can only call some irrational personal outrage that she could love someone who isn’t me, as egotistical as that is. In some ways it bothers me that with all the other positive things going on in my life, I have this one area that still seems to dominate my mindset.
So, I suppose the point of this rambling sequence of thoughts is to leave with a request for thoughts. Who’s been here? How did you get out of it? How do you just “let go” and “move on?” Thoroughly useless and annoying terms in my opinion. I’ve sought out counselors for help, but have yet to find one who seems to help. This seems mundane compared to what others go through, my own family included, but I’ve been struggling with this for some time and don’t know how to get through it. This daily struggle is weighing on my as much as anything else. I feel like I do have a lot going for me right now, I’d like to be able to enjoy it.
How do you get through it?
