Forgetting a female

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

What is up with people and their drive-by relationship threads?
Found my brother-in-law’s diary in my wife’s underwear drawer
Ladies (primarily): what blind spots to check for as a man whom women value only as a friend?
Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry?

I’m sure a lot of you know most of my back story, given how eagerly I regurgitate it into every relationship thread I visit. But for the uninformed, here it is:

[spoiler]I first met my ex online when I was maybe 17. I, the ultimate nerd, was hosting a… wait for it… Harry Potter server on Neverwinter Nights. It wasn’t until about a half a year later that we started talking outside the game and by December of 2007 we’d decided that she would fly down to Arizona from Florida for my 18th birthday in February of '08- she was 23 at the time.

So the day of my 18th birthday, after tearfully handing off her son to his father and his wife (this is a great story, isn’t it?) she flew down and moved in with me (yup, I still lived with my mom at the time). A month later we flew to Florida to pack up her shit in her car and drive cross-country back to Phoenix. Pulling onto the highway and leaving Lakeland was my first time driving and in Baton Rouge, Louisiana I was given my first speeding ticket.

Within three or four months we’d moved into our own place and there we stayed until November '09 when she broke up with me and kicked me out of our apartment. I took it pretty well and moved in with my best friend where I stayed until this last March, when my friend moved back in with his mom and so I had to move back in with mine. I’ve slept with a few girls since the breakup (not as many as I’d like but it’s hard when you’re newly broke and living with your mom) and generally moved on with my life. I’m sure most people go through a phase where they feel their life is over due to lost love but the entire incident has sort of blunted my feelings towards the girls that I’ve been with; I haven’t been in a relationship since the breakup (despite, I’m proud to say, requests) because of that.

A few days ago, as you all know, we got hit by a relationship-thread hurricane, which turns out to have been terrible timing for me- it got me thinking about my ex again. About an hour ago I saw that she recently made an OkCupid account and, due to our high match rating, has had all her updates flooding my home page. I was hit by the finality of it all: She was out there dating again. It triggered in me a powerful reaction and I had something of an anxiety attack right here on my couch. I added her to my hide list but the damage is done, I guess you could say. Now I keep flipping back and forth between crushing emo-anguish and consuming anger/hatred in what feels like the emotional reaction I failed to have when we first broke up. Most of all I’m confused- we’ve been broken up for a while now and I thought I’d moved on but here I am, months later, having a mini breakdown.[/spoiler]Tl;dr - I’m sitting around despairing over a female and looking for an outlet. Well, boys and girls, you’re it. I fully expect and accept the emo and pussy labels I’m about to receive, so fire away. Typing something that I know someone will read seems therapeutic, so here we are.

2

Son, I am disapoint.

EDIT: and shit.

3

Am sorry.

4

What was the question?

5

It was a piece of mundane pointless stuff I must share. There is no question.

6

Seriously, The best way to get over a woman is finding another good woman for yourself. Locating a good woman can be a challenge, many are already taken so it’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time. A little luck helps, I wish you the best.

7

Delayed angst is something I’ve experienced - broke up with my wife (mutually), and jumped straight in with the hottest woman I’ve ever spent time with (google Lucy Pinder - she looked like that), let alone slept with. I was happy as a pig in shit, and fell in love. After four months she cheated on me and left me, and only then did I lose the plot. I put it down entirely to her at the time, but now I think about it a couple of years on, I am sure my mental collapse was actually a delayed realisation that I had lost my partner of more than 10 years and the life that I had known and enjoyed for all that time.

As my story above illustrates, sometimes doing this just delays the inevitable. According to all the literature I read and counselling I received, it’s best to “work through” the misery and come out the other side a better and stronger person.

8

This too, shall pass.

Sorry, it’s the best I got at the moment.

9

Trite - but true. At the grand age of 36 I’ve finally come to realise that everything feels better after time - convincing yourself that that will happen is the tricky bit. Focus on the positives about being single and carefree and it’s amazing just how quickly you can move on…honest!

10

She wasn’t a good woman if she cheated on you, jjimm. I am sorry that happened to you but finding a good woman shouldn’t be compared to what you experienced with the pinder look-a-like. I stand by my advice.

Nothing is better to help heal than finding another good person to be with, a time of wallow is unnecessary and no damn fun. I used to be president of the feel-sorry-for-myself club. This is no organization to cater to, believe me. This is not what anyone really needs.

11

The only person in the whole universe who actually cares about your happiness is yourself. You can either wallow in misery or you can do something about it. The choice is up to you, nobody else gives a shit. So you had a mini-breakdown, big deal, that’s just part of life. You can’t let it overwhelm you, try to take control of the situation and move on.

12

The only advice I have is that it’s really hard to forget anything if you are deliberately trying to forget. You have to somehow distract yourself, not sit and try to forget.

And don’t chastise yourself when she comes back to mind. Acknowledge the thought, and then move on as best you can. You may even need a bit of grieving time. But try to choose when that is. Give yourself x amount of minutes to think about it, and move on.

Note: I wouldn’t suggest that if he wasn’t wanting to forget. That’s what takes grieving for a loved one so much longer. You don’t want to forget about them.

13

Your story might have the moral that it’s not wise to attempt to rebound after a breakup, but the way I look at it, you would have dealt with that period of depression either way. At least the way you went you had a period of depression and you fucked a beautiful woman.

As I said, I’ve been with a few girls since the breakup. I’m just dealing with the confusion at only experiencing the emotional fallout of that relationship now. I don’t plan on letting this slow me down.

This is good advice. I don’t think a new girl, like cashew suggested, is a special cure in and of itself. It’s the fact that it’s something to take your mind off of what’s happened. Come tomorrow, I won’t allow myself to dedicate any more of my time to her memory.

14

Emotions are funny that way. Just when you think you’ve got them under control they come out of nowhere to bite you on the ass. It’s nothing to worry about unless it’s seriously affecting your life.

Hell just yesterday I realized that my mother had been dead for 16 years to the day. It felt like getting kicked in the gut and I even shed a tear. But it only lasted 20 seconds. But, even though it felt terrible, it felt good afterwards. Sometimes it’s good to remember, even if the memories bring pain.

I think those little breakdowns are good. It’s all the shit that got stored up inside you that you conveniently ignored, violently erupting. It’s better than keeping it bottled up where it eats away at you, sometimes so slowly you don’t even know it’s eating you up.

Maybe I’m making sense, maybe not. I’m just rambling.

15

Go and find a street girl and get laid. Other than that alcohol is your answer.

16

Well, this explains a lot of your posts. I’m sorry you’ve had it so rough lately.

As someone who’s been through my share of painful shit, I recommend against avoidance behavior. The sooner you let yourself feel this grief the sooner you’ll be able to move beyond it and begin to live something of a normal life. If you need to wallow for a while, then wallow. Eventually you’ll get tired of it and get back on your feet.

Just don’t give up on love. Ever. That’s the coward’s way out if you ask me.

17

Allow me to use a metaphor: a golfer goes to a legendary coach and says, “I need help. I just can’t sink any putts at all.” The coach hears this, and starts leading the golfer toward the driving range, not the putting green. The golfer pauses and says, “Wait, didn’t you hear me? I need help with my putting.”

The coach says, “I know you. You’re a good putter. If you aren’t making putts, you aren’t getting yourself close enough to the hole.”

Same advice applies here. The way to get a good relationship going to overcome your last one isn’t to go looking for girls under every rock you can find.

You need to work on yourself – get your shit together, get a better job, work out more, lose 10 pounds, get a better haircut, challenge yourself to do new and more interesting things, etc. If you get your life together, you’ll better understand what a fool you were to make those bad decisions that you did, and also attract better women who will put the last one to shame.

18

First - you gotta get off of OKC. It’s a great dating site, but you’ve got to get away from her. It’s too easy to become obsessed and start making bad decisions. Get on LotsOfFish.com or something else in the meantime. (Just be glad your ex isn’t incredibly active on the OKC forums like mine is…)

Secondly - you’re doing fine. Getting over people sucks, and it hurts. The most important part is realizing that, which you already have. “Hey, I’m acting irrational here…” It’s okay to be irrational every now and then, just so long as you’re self-aware (and don’t make a regular occurence of it).

Third - get out there. You already have, so you know you can do it. The worst is when your “despair” is so crippling you don’t think you can attract anyone else ever again. But you can - you’ve gotten laid a number of times since the breakup. Keep doing that!

19

For god’s sake, youre 20!
Just live your life. Trust me, somebody you spent a year with when you were a teenager will be a mere blip on your life’s radar in no time at all.

Mind you, I’m not trying to trivialize what you’re feeling now. The emotions are real, and they’re painful. Nobody will be able to give you any advice that will make everything all better today. Just don’t let it paralyze you, and the time will come when you’ll wonder what you were so upset about.

Oh, and about “forgetting” her? You won’t, so stop trying. I’ve got my share of broken romances in my past, and I remember every single one. It’s just that they’re not that big a deal to me anymore. You’ll get there.

20

You’re an emo pussy. There.

But then again, most people are to some degree. You’re hardly unique in that respect. We’re only human.

It’s ok. Things will get better :slight_smile: