why should i go on? Why does it hurt so much?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

well…just when i thought relationship things couldn’t get any more sad they are.

i’ve been broken up with the SO for a couple months now in practice, but not officially until last week. nOw I just finished the 4 hour “what do we do about the house, possessions, cars, cats, etc” talk and joint crying and screaming. Needless to say, things are not happy.

Then it gets worse. It becomes a screaming, crying thing of how I ruined her entire life, and she wishes every day that she was dead. Well, join the club. And about how she thinks she may not live without me, and at best she will die alone, and will never allow herself to ever love or trust anyone again after I betrayed her and riuned her. And how I did all this to her out of spite and malice

And I do feel now that I am the one that did this to her - I am the one that loved her, then abandoned her. Yes, she has been horribly clinically depressed for 6.5 years, but I took on a responsibility, and I let her down. But I coulnd’t live in a relationship with no real love anymore. Maybe I’m not thinking straight right now. But I feel so terrible that I made another person feel this way - especially one that I once loved and laughed with. What do I do for an encore? Destroy another life, make someone else feel bad?

She wants to move out asap. OK, but I’ve tried to get her to take her time, she refuses. I offered her money - serious 5-figureamounts of money, not a loan, she refuses. She wants to take two of the cats, and she says I will never be allowed to see them again - one cat I ahve had for 6 years and is my special little kitty- how can I never see him again? I feel like I will be losing a child. How silly this must seem to those of you without cats…why is this the hardest part?

I guess Im not explaining this well. I’m very tired and upset and full of hate for myself for cuasing this much pain to another. To think that I did this to her. Yes, I was treated badly, but I was not the sick one. I want to, no must move on, and pursue a relationship with another who I love and who loves me, but how can I lve with myself when it seems that I have really destroyed her life? How did this happen? i canot believe how mean of a person I must be. Why should I go on?

2

First order of the day:

Stuff this “Why should I go on?” sh!t…

Anth, you know d@mn well that you are one of the most respected posters here at the SDMB. Your wit and professional expertise leave more than a few of us awestruck.

Welcome to real life. It is a messy, often painful affair that in its frequently unpleasurable moments gives us insight into just how beautiful it can be when things go right.

Things are quite obviously a bit off the rails right now. This is what occurs in day to day reality for all of us. The fact that you have been involved with someone who is also clinically depressed has only increased the liklyhood of this sort of outcome. You should not be terribly surprised about this turn of events. That is not to say that this isn’t all a vast sh!tpot of hurt feelings and recriminations right now.

You have the sharpness of wit to know very well that what is happening is temporary. You are certainly not entirely to blame for all of what has happened. It takes two to tango and your ex-lover has had a role in all of this too.

Please do not contemplate permanent solutions to temporary problems. Email me, IM me, ask and I’ll give you my phone number so you can telephone me. You are not alone and you have many friends here, whether you know it or not.

I’m sure many other will drop by shortly to say similar things in all sorts of different ways.

3

Oh my God…
:frowning:
{{{{{{{{Una}}}}}}}}}

I wish with all that I am that I had the words, any words, that could soothe your pain and ease your troubled heart…I haven’t. There is nothing that I can say that you haven’t already heard and don’t already know in your soul.
What I do have are my prayers and I’m sending all the love that I have and the simple message that you are one of the dearest, most loved, most respected people on these boards, with the heart as big as all outdoors.
Please know that somehow, sometime, it will get better.

4

Remember Una, you once said (and I’m paraphrasing), “I doubt she would take her foot off the accelerator if I stepped in front of her car.”

It’s for the best, my dear. Be strong and get on with a happy life.

{{{Una}}}

5

(((Una)))

You should go on for many reasons. Because you are respected and loved here at SDMB. Because you are good at your job. Because you are funny, intelligent, and caring, as much as you may not believe that last right now. Because you are a good person.

You haven’t destroyed anyone’s life. Please, please do not do anything rash with your own. I’ve been down that road. Email me if you wish. You’re not alone.

<big hug>

LL [sub]who’s never nearly as eloquent as Zenster[/sub]

6

Take a deep breath:

Repeat after me:

“This is not all my fault.”

“I am not a bad person.”

“I cannot be responsible for everyone else’s happiness or stability.”

“I cannot, no, will not live the rest of my life taking the blame.”

“I am a good, warm, loving person.”

“I deserve love.”

“I deserve to be happy.”

“And by the Goddess, I willbe!”

I know we don’t know each very well, but email me if you want to talk.

7

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I know you don’t really know me, but if it’s any comfort, I’m right here with all the other posters who like and respect you, and I’m wishing a happier future for you.

{{{{Anthracite}}}}

8

Una… I’m going to reiterate what I told you on IRC tonight.

You are a strong person.
You are an intelligent person.
You deserve a life away from your ex. A life with Fierra, a life with love, happiness, health, and fun.
You must not let your ex hurt you any more than she already has.
You must move on.
You can move on.
You will move on.
You will live.
You will live a good life.
You will live a happy life.
You will realize that we are not just saying meaningless bullshit.
We care, Una. We do. And ignore the assholes, because they’ll get what they deserve in the end.
You will be happy.
You will love again.
You will live.

I know you will, Una. The power is in you. The strength is in you. The potential is in you. The will is in you.

I have faith in you, Una. I really do.

9

Una,

Stop thinking this way this instant. I am a phone call/e-mail/ICQ/letter away–please take advantage of the vast communications options available to us!

Apparently, 'tis the season for deciding to do things for your own benefit and your own sanity regardless of consequences. You know what? That’s not always bad. When it comes right down to it, it is your life and you have do do what is right for you. Yes, you have responsibilities to other people but your first responsibility is to yourself–after all, you have to live with yourself longer than you have to live with anyone else.

I know after my recent emotional breakdown, you probably don’t want to take any advice from me but it was this type of thinking that brought me to my senses.

I’m not advocating hurting innocent people. Hell, I’m not advocating hurting anyone but sometimes, these things happen and it sucks. But it’s life and you have to live your to the fullest for you and no one else.

10

Why should you go on? Because there are so many more people who would be hurt by losing you. I tried once and I made my father cry. There is nothing in the world that hurt me more than making my father cry. People will cry and wonder what they could have done. Nothing is so terrible that you should inflict that pain upon others.

Besides the fact that you are a great person, who deserves happiness, and will get it. The hurt from this break up will pass, but you leaving this world won’t

11

Anth, I’ve said before and I’m saying again… I tend to avoid the post parties and sad parties and happy parties, so it may seem like I don’t care, but I do. I just don’t know how to express it. If you need to talk, you can always email me. Best of luck.

Love,

–Tim

12

((((((((((((((((((Anthracite))))))))))))))))))))

What else can I do but echo what everyone else has already said so eloquently? You’re a beautiful person. You deserve all of the happiness in the world. This isn’t your fault. You are strong. You can endure. You have a life full of love and wonder awaiting you. You are a good person. We love you.

13

Having BEEN depressed for 10+ years, and living with my father (who is depressed as well), and my mother (who sounds a HELL of a lot like your ex…), has taught me one thing.

IT IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD ONE HERE.

Please please please trust me on this. Do not LET her ruin your happiness with her venom. I know it hurts. I know she has probably said very hateful things you can’t share. But dear one…her depression and her issues are hers. And hers alone. You did not cause them, and sadly, you can’t cure them.

You deserve happiness, dear. Very much so. I can’t know how specifically you feel, so I will not presume to say that. But I am currently digging my way back from the hell of my mother blaming the world on me for 20+ years. And dammit, if I can do it, so can you, Una. You are the strongest person I have ever met.

Please feel free to email, ICQ, AIM, whatever…it’s all in my profile. And know that you ARE special, you ARE loved, and you DO deserve everything happy this world has to offer.

14

Why you should go on? Because we love you. Because Fierra loves you. Because you deserve to be loved. Hang in there, and know that there’s a board full of people whose e-mail inboxes are always open for you.

15

If anything, try to keep telling yourself 2 things-- “It’s not my fault, it’s not going to bug me” and “She cannot take my cat”. Honestly. If it’s like a child to you, then keep it.

16

:frowning:

{{{{ Una }}}}

Anth, I know you don’t know me from a bag of chips, but even in the very short time I’ve been part of this little online community I’ve been struck by what a special person you are. Okay, so my English skills are failing me right now, but what I’m trying to say is that in my not so important opinion you’re a wonderful, witty, eloquent, compassionate, creative, magical person, and I wish I knew you better.

You’re a much stronger person than I could ever be, having cared for someone for so long. For having the courage and determination to see yourself through that I admire you. Be strong. Be brave. I know it’ll hurt like hell, but it will get better.

And remember how many people care about you.

K.

17

Una,

You are wonderful and make many people very happy.

You can’t make everyone happy. I am very sorry about your cats, I know that hurts deeply.

You make these boards a more interesting place and brighten the world just by participating. I know things look dark, but you are good at dark. There are a lot of people who think you are great. Things will get better.

18

Una,

I just happened upon this thread, I am VERY busy right now in fact gonna be out of town tomorrow or the next day again for several days, but will have access to my email and I think you know my phone number which ties into my cell phone which should work where I am going.

Hun I know you are hurt, frustrated etc…but if there is anything I can do than please call me. If you don’t remember my phone number or didn’t keep it, then email me, either at my AOL account or my Yahoo account…OY, you know I am here for you and you know that I will do anything in my power to help you through difficult times.

Look Una, call me, I don’t care if your number shows up on the caller ID on my phone. Damnit, I have been friends with so many here that they know I am real and will accept you for everything you give or are in life. If you need to talk, please call me. I may be out of touch with the rest of the world, but I would rather talk to you in person than ramble on here or in some email that I think you should do this or that…please call me okay? BTW, you have access to my mailing address so you know my home address, I trust you enough to give you that will you give that to me in return would you? Just by calling me with your problems?

I wanna be here for you.

19

{{{{{{Anthracite}}}}}}

20

Anthracite (Una I presume:))

Anyone who checks this thread can clearly see the feelings of the SDMB community about you.

Being a newbie, I haven’t formed my opinions about who is who yet, but as much as I have read your posts, I pretty much understand why they feel that way!!

Still, “don’t do something crazy cause you mean a lot to us” seems a selfish approach.
Please don’t get me wrong I don’t mean to say “I don’t care, go ahead and do anything you like…” I am just trying to say, question yourself deeply, because that way you will recover faster and more easily from your current state of mind.

Talking to a “shrink” might be helpful actually, because (s)he can ask you some questions that you might not come up with, or be afraid to ask in a self-psychological-interrogation.

So, who am I to try and give you advice?
Not much of an expert or a know-it-all jerk, but…
One of my ex-gf’s tried to commit suicide twice!
I did a lot of questioning then, so I know what this is all about.

Time definitely heals the wounds…
But I can say…The faster the wounds heal, the less of a scar you have left on you!!

Not going on with your life?..The best thing about that as far as you are concerned would be that you won’t live to regret it. But you will probably have some opportunity to regret it somewhere!!!

Wish I could actually talk to you face to face, cause when I read what I wrote it sounded pretty stupid. It doesnt sound that way during a conversation, believe me!!!