why should i go on? Why does it hurt so much?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Anthracite,

If, by some wild chance it really is true that you are the one who is responsible for every aspect of this failed relationship, that fact, all by itself is sufficient reason that the relationship must end, and must end soon, to save the sanity of both of you.

It isn’t true, of course. But don’t forget that the premise itself is faulty. I did the savior/sufferer gig. Actually, I have done it both ways! (not long as the sufferer, I even made me gag with that bit, but that’s another whole thing.) It’s ugly to face it, but the savior is the really needy one in the relationship.

However none of that is what you need right now. Believe all these people. You are someone. Someone lovable, someone likable, and someone who can exchange reasonable levels of care and concern with another whole human being. Hurting sucks. Some small part of the hurt may in fact last as long as you fear it all will. But that is the part that becomes wisdom. The healed part becomes the strength of self and honest understanding of limits that makes real exchanges of love possible over years.

You are not here on the Earth to be something someone else needs. You are here to be who you really are, and if that lifts up someone else’s spirit (and I have a strong suspicion that it often does) that’s great. But you are not defined by what someone else needs.

Keep the cat. Screw the rest of it, it’s just stuff. There is always more stuff.

22

I know what you’re going through (I really do–your description sounds exactly like the last year with my ex-husband), and the obvious heartache that your SO is putting you through. It’s pretty clear that you’ve been in a very unhealthy relationship, and you are doing the right thing–you just need to make “It’s not my fault” your new mantra.

You’re a brilliant woman with a kind heart, and deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship (even though you think you don’t deserve it, you really do).

I’m always available via e-mail if you need someone.

23

Una, please check your e-mail.

24

Why bother? It’s gonna hurt me
It’s gonna kill when you desert me
-Weezer

As much as it hurts, think about about how happy you were when you first met her.

Was it worth it?

If you say no, you’re probably lying to yourself.

If you say yes, then you know you just have to suck it up and ride out the pain. You’ve gotta suffer the lows to ride the highs.

In summary: You should go on because that’s what people do. And it hurts so much because Eve ate the apple.
sub[/sub]

I hope this doesn’t come across as derogatory or patronizing in any way. I too got the t-shirt. In fact a have a few…

25

{{{{Una}}}}

I can only reiterate what everyone else here has said. It’s NOT your fault. You did the best that you could, loved while you could, and tried hard to make things work. Above all else, you have to be true to yourself, because otherwise, you’ll be hurting two people that you care for rather than one. (well, in this case, three)

Yes, I know you hurt for causing her pain. That’s one of the things we love about you here… that you feel deeply enough to feel that hurt. That you ARE a caring person. But (not knowing the situation, and only going from your OP), it sounds like she’s done her share of hurting you, too.

You say that she was the sick one, but, honey, that’s no excuse for staying in a relationship on your part, and that’s not an excuse for you to feel as though you’ve failed. I’ve suffered from depression for far longer than I think I’ll even know. I wasn’t diagnosed (though I suspected) until last May when it took an extreme in my life to get to that point. There are a lot of ways to take control of depression (I’ve been on welbutrin and zoloft and, now that I have no insurance so I can’t afford it at the moment, I’m doing the “pure iron will” method! :slight_smile: ) Again, not knowing the situation, just trying to help, but if she knows she has this problem, and she doesn’t do anything to try to keep herself on an even keel, then she is the one that is failing. Because you can’t make her better, hon. She’s the only one that can do that.

If you want a shoulder, a place to vent, just someone to talk to, my e-mail button is just a click away. I’ve got big, spongy shoulders and an understanding heart. And they’re always open.

[sub]and just 'cause I think you need lots of these right now[/sub]

{{{{UNA}}}}

26

{{{{{Una}}}}}

It hurts because you’re a decent human being. And you’ll go on because you’re smart, brave and loved.

To quote another of the smart women around here: “Reality is that you’ll hurt other people, but they are the ones that choose to let it ruin their lives.”

It hurts. It’ll pass. We care about you, OK ?

S. Norman

27

Una, you ARE to blame!! You should keep taking this passive agressive shit for the rest of your days, forgo any possible happiness and suck it up! Be a man - so to speak.

Does that make any sense?

NO, of course not.

Life is seriously goddamned short, and to waste yours in an unhappy relationship is a crime against your very soul.

Get as far away from this emotional vampire as you can, take the damn cat, and tell her to deal with it.

Jesus, you are worth more than this.

28

People may think I’m being a dork, but let me offer on word of advice: exercise.

It helps get rid of all that junk you have churning in your gut after a breakup. It helps you sleep at night when you are tired-to-the-bone yet unable to fall asleep because your mind won’t let the matter drop. It helps make you hungry and thirsty at times when you don’t want to eat. It helps lower your blood pressure and relieve your stress.

And, as an added bonus, you start to LOOK much better.

So, please, turn off the computer, and get ye to a gym.
Get on the treadmill and start to make a positive change in your life.

And if you exercise already, step it up a notch or two. For some reason, feeling the burn in your muscles is quite therapeutic.

Good luck to you.

29

Anthracite, I’m not sure what advice I can give you, but we are going through remarkably similar situations, so perhaps some commiseration?

It’s taken me time to come to peace with my decision, and even still I have moments where I ask myself, is this really right? I keep telling myself that this is the right thing for both of us, and hope that one day he realizes it, too. But right now, he’s hurt and angry and looking to me to make it all better. And I can’t.

All I can do is have faith that once the initial hurt is over, he understands that he is the one that decides if he’s going to pick up and move on or not. I can’t do it for him, and you can’t do it for your ex.

I wish you all the best. Wish I could offer you more practical advice, but all I can say is this too shall pass. :frowning:

30

You can’t leave us, Anthracite – it just wouldn’t be a lesbian orgy without you! :wink:

On a more serious note, let me hazard a few suppositions based on your OP:

What could you do to make your SO happy?
Answer: Nothing. Don’t you see – she wants to be a “victim”, and takes comfort in her worldview that all the problems in her life are someone else’s fault. I’ve known many many people like this, and you can’t change them; they have to change themselves. Why do you think she won’t take your money? Maybe because it would make it harder for her to feel hard done by by you (I’m sure that’s grammatically incorrect, but f**k it). Anything offered freely can’t be accepted; only things she has to take by force. Which brings us to…

Why does she want to take the cats?
Answer: Maybe because she loves them, or maybe because she knows how much you love them and she wants to hurt you by taking them away.

Did you destroy her life?
Answer: Highly unlikely. It’s her life, and unless you really have been pursuing a deliberate campaign of malice and deceit she has to take some of the responsibility for what has happened. (See the “victim” comment above.)

Did you fail her in her hour of need?
Answer: Ask yourself this – when wasn’t she “in need”? And when was it going to be your turn? A relationship where all the “giving” is in one direction isn’t healthy.

Why should you go on?
Answer: Because you can. You’ll always have the option to quit living later (and of course in the long term it’s inevitable), but you can’t change your mind later about being dead. Also remember that this too shall pass, the sun will shine again, the birds will sing, yadda yadda yadda… at any rate, you won’t always feel like this.

And hey – I’d miss you. So there. :stuck_out_tongue:

[sub]That’s all the time we have for this edition of Armchair Psychologist. Thanks to our contestant Anthracite for playing today; she’ll be taking away a copy of our home game, plus a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat. I’ve been your host, Wink Binkleman – thank you and good night![/sub]

31

{{{{{{Una}}}}}}} You should go on because there are people here who care about you. People who respect you and value your friendship. People who took the chance to fall in love with you, and most importantly there is you. I know you are hurting right now, and you are in pain, but this isn’t the answer. Turning away from your friends is not the answer either. I know that you feel that you are gonna damage someone else and that you do not want to take the chance, but there is a great chance that you would be denying yourself the chance at true happiness, and that is a risk that is well worth taking. I know that giving up is the safer course, but in this case the rewards are greater then the risks. I am finally at the point where I have recovered enough that I realize that the next relationship will be better, and I am willing to take the risk. Sure we may get hurt, but it is better to find out then to give up.

You know that I respect you and your privacy, and that I don’t want to intrude in your life, but you have to realize that you are now involved in many peoples lives, even if it is only tangentally.

Be strong and talk to the people who want to help you, they are sincere in their intentions, and for the goddess’s sake please don’t give up.

Keith

32

An incredibly good friend of mine was glued to an emotional vampire for eight years. He knew she was bad for him. Everyone else knew she was bad for him. He just couldn’t leave though…every time he’d try, she’d cry…threaten suicide…tell him how he was her whole world and she just wouldn’t be able to go on if he wasn’t in it. Then he’d stay, and she’d get RIGHT BACK to never letting him go anywhere (ANYWHERE) without her, not letting him make his own friends, and telling him how miserable she was and how it was all his fault.

When he FINALLY left, he had to wait until she was at work, then grab as much as he could bit in his car, and his dog, and JUST GO…because he knew if he stuck around to try to talk it over with her, she would talk him into staying AGAIN, and he’d be setting himself up for 18 more months of unremitting hell.

Just over a year later he married a wonderful woman who actually appreciates him…which he hadn’t thought possible, because with girl #1 he was a) the best thing had ever happened to her and AT THE SAME TIME, b) never going to be able to find anyone else (according to her).

Watch carefully, as I reword what several other people have said: another person’s mental illness is not your responsibility. Yes, you made the committment to stick with her and be by her side through thick and thin…but you didn’t agree to stick through abuse and antagonism, nor through being cruelly manipulated.

You have spent months on here (very quietly) agonizing over this relationship that you could no longer stand to be in, but could not stand to leave. You have done, from what I can tell, everything in your power to try to make your relationship work and help her gain her mental health, and it has not worked.

If, gods forbid, she were to kill herself…that would still NOT BE YOUR FAULT, not by any stretch of the imagination. SHE needs to get HER life together before she can be good for anyone else…and she was NOT good for you…and NO healthy relationship is that one-sided.

This is coming across all wrong. You talked to me some waaaaaaay back last summer right after I started posting, then clammed up, and that’s cool, because I’m not the easiest person in the world to talk to…but I remember, and I remember thinking back then that you were a wonderful, warm human being and it was a crock of shit that yet ANOTHER cool person was being sucked dry by an emotional remora.

As anyone who knows me knows, I normally don’t post to this type of thread, so I’m trying to make it count. Look at what all of these people are saying about you. None of us has the slightest reaso to lie. We don’t need anything from you, we’re not trying to get anything from you. All we are trying to do is help you see that you are a more valuable person than you want to accept that you are.

Hey, it’s how many against one, now? If this were a democracy, we’d win, and you’d have to walk around all the time with a sign around your neck saying, “I am a worthwhile person. I deserve happiness. And kiss my ass.” :smiley:

33

Unless this was Canada, in which case you’d have to change your name to “Doris”. :slight_smile:

(Excellent post, H.)

34

There’s nothing more that I can say that all these wonderful people haven’t already, but I couldn’t, in good conscience, read this post and not respond.

Just wanted to tell you that I’ve been there… I may not know exactly how you feel, but I can tell you that you are doing the right thing.

Also wanted to say that, even though I may not know you well, and I’ve only talked to you in chat briefly at best, I always read your posts and I think you a very intelligent person that has a lot to keep going for. Simply look at the list of names here of people that care about you for one.

I wish there was more I could say. Take care. It’ll get better. You’re doing the right thing here.

35

Anthracite, who am I to be giving advice? I am the most unsuccessful person I know whan it comes to relationships. I gave “the best years of my life” to a girl who left me for another woman. I can’t seem to find a Significant Other to save my life. So here I am, alone, stuck in a part of the country that I’ve grown to hate, without the time or means to follow my dream of opening a helicopter flight school (and if I did, it would be in a place that does not have the flying weather that’s available here in So. Cal.) facing another 50 years just waiting for the day I don’t wake up. Sometimes I feel that no one will notice if I disappeared from the face of the planet. That I will leave no legacy. That life is useless. But do I let people know this? No. (Well, except for here, now.) People see the jovial lunatic. Do I give up? No. Why should I? The worst that can happen is that things won’t change. But dammit, I’ll go down fighting! And as long as I’m fighting, there’s a chance of success.

I don’t believe for a second that you will do yourself in. You’re too intelligent for that. You’re feeling low because you are a good person who made a hard choice. Look at what jr8 said. S/He’s right. (Sorry, jr8. I don’t usually check genders on this board.) You only have one life, and you must do what’s good for you. Don’t be victimized by a victim. You can feel sorry for her, but face it: It’s her life. She fucked it up by not getting help. You offered her stability and she wasted the offer and drove you away. It’s not your fault. It’s hers. She says she “can’t live” without you? That’s her choice. She may decide to snuff herself. If she does, it’s not because of you. It’s because she’s selfish and wants to hurt you. She shows her selfishness by trying to hurt you. Stop. Use your superior intellect. Analyze the situation. I think you’ll find that you have no control over how other people feel. If you have no control, then you are not responsible. If you are not responsible, then you have no reason to feel guilty. So you fell in love with someone else? Yes, you hurt her. But it’s up to her how to deal with it. You made a choice that’s good for you. Now she must make her own choices.

When my ex-SO left me, I was hurt. But what am I going to do? Kill myself? Ha! She’s not worth it. Your SO is trying to make you as miserable as she is. That’s childish. Take a deep breath. Make it clear that your mind is made up. Don’t show her any weakness. So what if she thinks you’re the Devil incarnate? If you’re never going to see her again, it doesn’t matter. The cats? Well, that’s more difficult. I’ve thought of some devious means of keeping them, but they’d be cruel to your ex-SO. She already sounds like she could become a stalker.

In any case, it should be obvious that people want you around. Never give up.

36

Damned vB code. :mad:

Hey, here’s one from Moby Dick:

Or how about this one from Edmund Vance Cook?

Not to put too fine a point on it, but life is hard. The best you can do is not give up. Take your lumps and then laugh in the face of those who gave them to you.

37

While I agree with all of the above and acknowledge the importance of our having said it, I don’t think enough attention is being paid to the issue of the cats.

Una, you cannot let her take the cats. She is doing it only to hurt you. If she does wind up with them, they will be a constant reminder of your time together, and with someone as unstable as your ex has been depicted as being, the potential for abuse or neglect can’t be ruled out.

You aren’t responsible for her, but you ARE responsible for your little furry friends. They really DO need your help.

I’m sorry, this is coming across accusatory and that is NOT what I intended.

Since this isn’t face-to-face reality, let me just use the magic of the Internet to change from a big galoot of a shudder man into a slip of a girl before I give you this

{{{{{{{{{{{GREAT BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}

and wish you well. Even if you ARE going to kill me off in “Horror at Cecil Cove.” (I just KNOW you will.)

38

Some of the things that have been said to you in this thread leave me awstruck. The eloquence is amazing! I truly wish that I had anywhere near the communicating ability of Tris, Arden, or Zenster. So many of the things said are what I have been trying to get across to you for a while now.

Hang in there Una.
Email me if you have the time.

39

No advice for you, hun, just wanted to wish you a speedy recovery from all this.

-Myron, who also never participates in such threads, but really admires Anth.

40

Anthracite -

You know, this sounds like so much like every guy I ever broke up with.

Some people learn that guilt will get them what they want, without having to actually do any work. She wants the fun, without the responsibilities, and she doesn’t want to accept responsibility for the breakup of the relationship. You may have been the person to end the co-habitation, but if she was no longer giving you love, then she destroyed the relationship. Sure, there might have been something you could have done, if you were perfect.

But you are not required to be perfect. In a relationship, you are required to be loving, to respect each other, and to work together so that problems are resolved lovingly and respectfully.

Each person is responsible for their own happiness.

You are not responsible for her happiness.

You mentioned once that she had been molested as a child. This is a very heavy burden for anyone to bear, and makes it very hard for the person to have a successful relationship. I knew a girl who had the same experience, and the only way she was able to have a relationship was to be in couples counseling.

You could have never made her happy. Her unhappiness is deep-rooted - from a long time before you ever knew her. Only she can make herself happy, and she needs to take responsibility for it first.

I am sure you knew about her problems before you started in a relationship; however, this doesn’t mean you have remain in a relationship where you are miserable. You made the effort to make it work, and it didn’t. Now it is time for you both to move on, so that you can both find a relationship that works better for each of you. Think about it - would you want to be in a relationship where you made your lover unhappy?

After my divorce said much the same thing - that he would never date anyone again and he was going to die alone. Oddly enough, last time I talked to him, he was dating someone again.

As you can tell, I’ve been through this a couple of times. No matter what may happen, Love is worth it.

Final advice from me (and feel free to ignore it)
Get it over with just as fast as possible - prolonging it only prolongs the pain, without making it any easier. Let her move out now, don’t give her money (that’s not what she wants anyway), whatever it takes.

See a therapist - he/she will help you get the perspective you need.

Don’t let her take your cat, she’s just being spiteful.

Like PunditLisa said, get out and move. Studies show it helps with depression.