Anthracite, I don’t really know you but I do enjoy your posts and you seem to be a wonderful person! My own personal advice is to pick up the phone and call one of the dozens of people who love you. People can’t hurt you unless you let them. MissB
Well, obviously you want to go on. If you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t have posted this here, and risk having people tell you that DO have value, and are not a worthless mean person. You did post, here, and have been told exactly that. So now that you know you don’t deserve to be snuffed out of existance(the posters here are nothing if not brutally honest, so you should be able to trust thier opinions), you now have to figure out how to deal with the pain. Why does it hurt so much? because breaking up with an S.O. is emotionally about the same as your S.O. dying. You go through pretty much the same grief proccess.
A few words of free advice, for what it is worth:
You cannot hold yourself responsable for any one elses happiness. Particularly if that other person is no longer your S.O. She has to get on with her life, and it sounds like she needs proffesional help doing so. You, being involved, cannot help her.
Deal with the grief, but do it in small doses. After thinking about things for a while, make a desicion to go off and do something else. Trying to deal with it for more than half an hour or so gets counter productive, go do something, anything, to take your mind off of it.
Don’t try to get into another relationship for long time (many therapists recomend a year or more), until you emotions settle down a bit. Take time to get your shit straight, before you get involved in someone elses shit.
Remind yourself, that the way you feel right now, is not how you are going to feel forever.
Hmmmm… by my count, you’ve got about 40 odd answers to your first question. That does not take into consideration the actual content of the replies. I’d say that covers the “Why go on?” question.
The “Why does it hurt?” goes towards highs and lows of everyday life. Otherwise how would you recognize happiness without some sadness in your life?
Best of luck to you and don’t lose heart…they may want to cut it out… and they’ll want to avoid a lengthy search. 
Oh yeah, and what everyone else already said about not being responsible for other people’s short commings. Just keep being the best you that you can be and know that you cannot always fix everything for everyone.
{{{{{{Una}}}}}
When I read your OP it literally made my heart hurt. It is not right that a person with so much beauty, grace and wit should be in so much pain.
I have to admit I’m somewhat of an Anthrocite stalker–but in a good way. I seek out and read a lot of your post because I know I’m always going to be enlightened or entertained but never bored. You have a sensitive, generous heart and are passionate about the things you care about. Unfortunately the same qualities that make you such a beautiful person are the same qualities that are making it easy for your ex to hurt you.
Your ex has some mental health problems, sad yes, but they are not your problems. Because your loved her and wanted to see her happy, you took it upon yourself to try to help in any way that you could. You did this out of love not expecting any more reward that to see her get better. Because this has obviously failed you see this as your failure instead of hers. I sense a bit of co-dependance on your part. Your problem is that you are just too damn nice. It is time to harden up a bit.
You have offered to help her financially but she has refused. That is not your fault.
She wants to move out ASAP, then help her. Pack all her belongings and put them out on the curb, send them to storage, send them to her mother’s but get them out of your sight.
Refuse to engage in any more histronics with her. It solves nothing, makes you feel bad and only gives her more opportunities to hurt you. Have a neutral party oversee the division of property. Call the sherrif if you have to.
Take your beloved kitty and give him to a nonmutal friend for safekeeping. The fact that she is threatening to take away the only one that loves you unconditionally is a sort of emotional blackmail that is particularly heinous.
And finally stop beating yourself up. You are not the cause of her problem and most importantly you are not the cure. SHE is responsible for her own mental health just as YOU are responsible for yours. Would you not leave a burning house, jump a sinking ship, or avoid an oncoming vehicle? You are not wrong to want to extract yourself from this noxious relationship. It is dead. Treat it appropriately and eventually you will work through all the stages of grief. Shock, Denial,Bargaining, Anger and finally Acceptance.
Hang in there and it will get better. You are loved more that you realise and someone wiser than I once said “All you need is love”
Sending you love and prayers
Cindi
Okay, I’m not going to be nearly as eloquent as some of the other posters here, but I’m jumping in to try and help re-iterate the message here.
You cannot be the ultimate arbitrer of anyone’s happiness but your own.
You say you “took on a responsibility”. Bullshit. You wanted to help someone that you cared for. She was not a ‘responsiblity.’ Why? Because in order to be responsible for something, you have to be able to effect it. And in the end, no one is responsible for her depression except herself. You can try to help her through it, you can offer her support as she goes through the painful parts, you can offer her positive reinforcement as she makes steps to recovery. But you cannot rid her of that. She needs to make those steps herself- no choir of guardian angels could lift her torment should she offer no assistance to them.
Don’t blame yourself because she won’t take the steps she needs to recovery. And don’t kid yourself that it’s a matter of ‘can’t’; it’s a matter of ‘won’t’.
Are you causing the pain to her? Or is she giving the pain to herself, reveling in her comfy blanket of fear and hate? Did you torture her? Did you lock her in your basement and throw rocks at her? Did you strap her naked to the hood of your car and drive through the mountains on a snowy night? Or did you try to help someone out, and when you realized that she wasn’t getting anywhere (because she wasn’t willing to do anything herself) and that you were gathering nothing but pain, did you cut your losses and walk away? And if so, did you cause the pain by walking away, or did she cause the pain by making it impossible to stay? I’d bet my house that it was the latter.
Get that bullshit out of your head right now. Her being sick does not give her the right to treat you badly. If she considered you a friend, a lover, a soulmate, then she would not have treated you badly. If she truly loved you, she would have gotten help to find the best way to avoid hurting you. But in the end, she decided you were a tool, an object, a reason. A rag to soak up some of her pain (“I hurt, so I hurt you so that I feel better”). A reason not to get better (“Una will just take care of me like she always does”). And now you’re forcing her to try and cope with real life, and she hates you for it.
Again, bullshit. Her life was destroyed before you met her. You tried to help her pick up the pieces. You tried to make nice arrangements out of the debris she lived in. Eventually, you realized that she wasn’t going to help you. That she actually preferred wallowing in her pain. And that she wanted to make you part of her pain. When you were dating, it was “Oh, my life is so terrible, even Una can’t help me.” Now, it’s “Oh, my life is so terrible, and Una made it worse”. It’s not worse- she’s just sitting in the same pain and debris she’s been in since you met her. She just has someone new to blame, and it’s you.
Because you are a caring person.
Because you are a smart person.
Because you’re someone that many people on this board have decided is worthy of friendship.
Because no matter what you do, you can’t win with her, so you can’t really call any outcome ‘losing’. It’s all just surviving.
Because happiness does come, or at least it did for me, after ten years of depression and general fucked-upped-ness, I managed to get most of my life in order, find a soulmate, and repair the bridges I had burnt. And no matter how much you don’t want to believe it, it can happen to you, too. And when it does, all the shit you had to go through won’t matter.
Your friendly neighborhood Republican,
John
Una, (may I call you Una?)
Still waiting to hear that the “go on” option is in place, and the “not go on” option is out of consideration. For our sake, but mostly for your own sake please post the words. “I think I am worth having a life, simply for my own sake.” Or something like that. We worry, you know?
Emotional storm conditions generally suck. As a long time mental hurricane navigator, let me make some very mundane suggestions.
Get a blank calendar, and look at it. Start writing in stuff that you are going to do. It’s not a major project planner. Stuff like “go to work.” “Call a friend.” “Wash clothes.” “Buy Cat food.” “Pick up some flowers.” “Have friend over for lunch.” (In your calendar it will say a name, not the word friend.) As silly as all that sounds, it has dozens of positive benefits from the time you start looking for a good calendar, until you finally decide you are too busy to keep writing “wash clothes” down on laundry day. Don’t put any issues, or matters relating to your former on this calendar. It’s a picture of your life.
Keep yourself out of those normal situations and associations that have become built upon the presumption of your relationship. The friends who are your friends will still be your friends in a few weeks, after you are sailing clear skies. Helpful advice on how to “get back together” is really a drain on resources, and it just doesn’t pay to expose yourself to it. You need a new hang out, or two.
Make sure someone who really likes you hears from you, and talks to you every day. EVERY DAY, HEAR? More is good, but you have an appointment to be loved and cared for every single day, if no where else, here. Person to person is much better, though.
Anthracite,
Una, if I may,
Just know that you are loved…by us here.
I really don’t know why it hurts so much. The more sensitive a person is to others’ feelings, the more it can hurt…especially when someone chooses to manipulate that empathy.
Keep the cat.
I wish you well.
Rysdad
So, somebody else is miserable and depressed, and it’s your fault for trying to have a relationship that eventually failed. You have a guilty conscience. I can’t add much to what everybody’s posted here, but I do know what it’s like to blame myself any time something goes wrong. You have to shake that attitude. Through time, you’ll regain self-confidence and try again at a relationship.
Plus, if she was clinically depressed, her SO isn’t going to cure her. She needs professional help.
Why should you go on?
I think the thread speaks for itself. Look at the number of people, some who haven’t even met you, that are taking time out of their lives to make sure you’re ok. That says a lot.
I’ve been through a similar situation. I wasn’t in the relationship as long as you were, but afterwards I felt the same way. What did **I[/b[ do that was wrong, why didn’t I do something. Hell, I still feel that way sometimes. But I don’t let it control my life, and neither should you.
It’s alright to feel bad. Don’t think you have to bottle everything up, let it out. Cry. Hug someone who cares. But DO NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) let this hang over you and force you to do what you don’t want to do, and not let you do what you do want to do.
You know we’re all here for you.
{{{{{Anthracite}}}}
Una, Think for a second about all the love you have within yourself that you want to be able to give and share with another. It can come again… it will come again. It can be true and pure and beutiful, don’t let yourself miss that chance to experience it again for the first time.
You have so many people here on this board alone that care for you so deeply, that hurt when they see you hurting. From this you should gather that you are loved, you can be loved and you are worthy of love. The Good will come again.
-Bryson
Una, Think for a second about all the love you have within yourself that you want to be able to give and share with another. It can come again… it will come again. It can be true and pure and beutiful, don’t let yourself miss that chance to experience it again for the first time.
You have so many people here on this board alone that care for you so deeply, that hurt when they see you hurting. From this you should gather that you are loved, you can be loved and you are worthy of love. The Good will come again.
-Bryson
I can’t say it any better than people here. However, let me add two thoughts:
Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program? This is where they contract out counseling help. You can go to the service (it’s free or reduced), yet your employer is never told about your problem. I have NEVER been the sort to “seek counseling” as I feel I am thoughtful and articulate and can eventually think my way around problems, plus I don’t like to cry in front of people, and what’s more I don’t believe in touchy-feely self-esteem shit.
BUT–a coupla years ago I had a friend who was a total life-sucking parasite. We were “best friends” – she was almost my ONLY friend, thanks to her hard work at it. She manipulated me, alternating between guiding me and needing me… well, I won’t go into it now but she was driving me out of my mind. And this being a FRIENDSHIP, not a love affair, I had no roadmap for how to extricate myself. I felt like a rat, a bad friend, a shit, a dysfunctional loser at relationships. It was so frustrating, because I felt like I was a good person, and a good person HELPS those in need. But for my own survival, here I was needing to abandon this person. It was sort of a double-whammy. I need to leave, but I can’t. I want to leave, but I hate myself for wanting to. Round and round. My husband was at a loss for how to help me. I felt she was yanking me around by a chain, and every time I got strong enough to take a step away, she’d switch tactics. Wait, when did this thread start being about me? What I’m getting at is that I decided to see a counselor. I wanted help in feeling right about the decision I was making to get the fuck away from this vampire. The irony was, she was the one who so desperately needed some serious couch time, but there I was, sitting in the office of someone who works for our Staff Assistance Program. Whatever, it HELPED. Not only did this counselor help me be strong about it emotionally, she also helped me figure out in advance what I’d do if the Vampire switched tactics again. It was SO reassuring to have a trained professional sympathize and strategize, and reinforce my own knowledge about why all this was happening and why I needed to move on. Yes, the support of friends/loved ones is wonderful, but it was an immeasurable boost to have someone more objective help out. She also got me thinking about what it was about ME that got me so entrenched in what was obviously a crappy relationship. That was good, too. I get the feeling your attitude might be a lot like mine (“jesus christ, no WAY am I gonna submit to that fruity counseling b.s.”) but it was so helpful for me in a somewhat-similar situation, it would be wrong for me NOT to suggest it.
Second thought: I’d be devastated if someone took custody of my pets and refused visitation. It’s emotional weaponry, and it’s low, low, low. I hope it doesn’t happen. But if it does, please consider it fate’s way of telling you two more little kitties deserve a home with you. Go get two others from the refuge or shelter. Of course they can’t replace your beloved kitties, but you’l develop new wonderful relationship with them, and being able to give a home to two kitties who need it will be a lift.
Una, Think for a second about all the love you have within yourself that you want to be able to give and share with another. It can come again… it will come again. It can be true and pure and beutiful, don’t let yourself miss that chance to experience it again for the first time.
You have so many people here on this board alone that care for you so deeply, that hurt when they see you hurting. From this you should gather that you are loved, you can be loved and you are worthy of love. The Good will come again.
-Bryson
Anthracite/Una:
What can I possibly add to what’s been said before? I’ve been there: both with a SO and with a so-called “friend”. For awhile I thought it was all my fault that these “emotional vampires” took advantage of me, then I realized it was only because I LET them do so. Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Remember that: you CAN’T hurt your SO unless she LETS you hurt her. And if she lets you hurt her, whose fault is it that she’s hurt? NOT YOURS!!
After that, I developed a mantra that I’ve continued to use when life gets difficult:
“I will NEVER give up!
I will NEVER give in!
I WILL persevere,
and I WILL WIN!!”
Bad as you feel now, it WILL get better. Look at all the friends you have on this board!!
And remember, I call myself caircair because I DO care.
Stay strong, stay well, and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Why does it Hurt?
Because you care deeply about how others are effected by your actions.
Because your previous partner is lashing out and using tactics she (at least subconsciously) knows will hurt you.
Because you have put your heart and soul into this and it has ended, you are grieving what might have been a true relationship.
Because you feel that you have failed.
Why should you go on?
Because you care deeply about how others are effected by your actions. Too few people do these days.
Because your previous partner is lashing out (and needs a focus for her feelings, perhaps this will be the trigger she requires to find a solution for herself)
Because you are grieving what might have been a true relationship. A relationship requires two equal partners; you attempted to create this and could not. Grief is a generally healthy process that allows us to move on unencumbered by the past, your friends here have offered to help you through this process, allow me to add, myself to the list.
Because you are a genuine person with good intent and an ability to learn. We all make mistakes, this is not failure. Failure is that some people do not care about the results, and some never learn from them. You do not appear to be either type of person.
Your ex-SO does require help and support, I am just not sure that she wants it at present.
Keep your heart open and keep caring, and all the best for all involved.
Britt
Anthracite, I do not know you but I ditto everyone else here. I can’t add anything but:
If they’re your cats and you love them that much, you take them. Somehow do it. Especially if you have had one for 6 years (which I then take is your and not hers in the first place). Don’t be stepped on during this trying time. I know its easy for me to say, but you do not need to be loosing your “kids” in addition to going through this other crap. Its not your fault she is depressed. Don’t cave in. Objects can be replaced. If you love your cats this much, they can’t.
Best of luck to you, I really honestly truly hope and believe it will work out for you.
Good luck, virtual friend. 
I am obliged to drop in with another few words. First, I think I may speak freely for many of us here when I say:
[resounding chorus]
We told you so!
[/resounding chorus]
If you do not know by now just how loved and respected you are by all of us here, then there may be issues that none of us can help you with. Past that, you have also received some excellent suggestions. The calendar is one of them, mark out the days with your life plan (key word: life). Getting some exercise is another. We’ll ignore the sheer irony of a suggestion like:
Finally; I am almost ashamed that I didn’t respond to the potential theft of your pets. I was too much in shock from the overall tenor of your post to reason it all out on the spot. I will repeat what you have heard already:
Get your beloved pets to another location where they will be out of harm’s way. If I were nearby, I would volunteer for the task. Your ex has no interest in them except as a tool of blackmail. Do not allow this to happen.
And finally:
Come up for air and please let all of us know that your fabulous intelligence has triumphed over your storming emotions. We are all concerned for you. However, that amounts to nothing if you are not concerned for yourself. Check in at this thread when you can so that all of us may stop holding our collective breath.
I think more than a few of us are starting to turn as blue in the face as this little guy -> 
Unawench is ok, Zenster.
She is not happy, but she is ok. I communicated with her today, and she has not answered this thread because she feels embarrased for even starting it.
Silly git.
I have tried to relay some of what was said, mostly I just asked her to get her butt over here and read this.
This thread is amazing, really. I wish I could be just a small percent as eloquent and as wonderfull as some of you folks are.
People will tell you time heals all wounds, but this is not true. You tried for years and years to heal your SO’s wounds and illnesses and your SO is not healed. Hand responsibility for her happiness back to her where it belongs. You don’t have to say a word, just emotionally let go of your hold on her words and actions and realize no human has the right to another’s soul. Look into a mirror and see the beauty and intellegence in your own eyes and bravely choose to feel the pain. When you feel the pain of all that has happened, you can adjust to your new world and feel it less and less. I understand love, for a child or a kitty. Let your friends help you secure your kitty’s safety and security so he can live where he belongs—with a person who will not use him as a pawn or a weapon to hurt. I feel silly now, 5 years after I felt I had to pack my children and flee from my husband, relating the dramatic story. You might feel silly for sharing your pain, but a burden shared is a burden lightened and people love you.
Whereas Anthracite’s cat has been disgracefully and unlawfully detained by her former SO…
Whereas this condition violates Section 8.1 paragraph B of the FLF Bylaws…
Whereas SDMB members are obligated to rectify the above violation by any means necessary…
Let it be resolved that the FLF dispatch an elite force of feline-terrorists to restore Anthracite’s cat to his rightful benefactor.
The budget for this police intervention will include:
6 Uzi 9mm automatic handguns $300 each
1 Ford Econoline Armored Command Vehicle $15,000
1 Feline Restraining Unit (Cat Carrier) $30
6 WWII Army Surplus Gas Masks $40 each
Volunteers for this high priority Operation Catnip may sigh in at the door.
Good hunting, ladies and gentleman.
:sound of magazines being loaded:
Look on Anth’s face when her cat is returned: Priceless.
