Anthracite, I really don’t know you well at all, and my words aren’t as touching and intelligent as others, but I do understand and care about your situation and you are in my thoughts. Please know that if you ever need anything, you can e-mail me or ICQ me, and I’ll be there to listen.
You should go on. How do I know this? Look at what people are saying to you…you see how many people love you, would be deeply hurt if you weren’t around anymore? It’s enough to make me tear up.
Best wishes. The hurt won’t disappear magically, but it will fade. You have the chance to love again. Take it.
Woo! Look at Una!
Una Una Una… (sorry, I just like saying Una a lot) Whatever shall we do with you? One of my greatest wishes is that one day you wake up and believe in yourself even half as much as we, your friends here at the boards, do.
You’re only too human, and hurting others hurts you more than being hurt yourself. I hear ya, my friend. Hang in there. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to say “Woo! Look at Una and Fierra!” 
Sorry for the multipost… the work proxy kept timing out…
Una, hon, something everybody’s been tiptoeing around saying needs to be said, and it’s kind of a tough one to swallow. But you’re strong enough to handle it. So here goes:
You’re being a codependent.
Dear sweet ex-SO is manipulating you, using your love and concern and the caring that marks you as a really good person, the guilt you feel for breaking it off (if it was in fact you who did it – you said so, but I know how that sort of thing can get twisted in the telling), to manipulate you – because your caring gives her a handle to control you.
Yes, I know she’s depressive. And you care about her. And it hurts. That is the way these things go.
I cared very deeply about one of the three boys I took in. And he was totally unable to manage his own life – kept doing stupid, counter-productive things that would always put him back at square one. And I’d sew his fractured heart back together, find the money to help him pay for the problems he was facing, give him a bunch of good advice, prop him up, and wait for the next disaster.
Then I couldn’t do it any more.
And you know what? Somehow he found his own resources, stopped getting into the binds and heartbreaks, and put his own life back together.
Trying to help him out of his problems, I was unknowingly enabling him to stay in them.
Point her to a good therapist, one that deals with depressives and can prescribe if antidepressant medicine is called for. Take the kitty and whatever else material that you value.
Hold your head up. And don’t look back.
Because you are a person that, according to the posts here, at least 79 people who have never met you have come to love. Because you are worthwhile for who you are. Because the best thing you can do for her is to make a clean break, and let her get on with the business of dealing with her own problems, and not converting you into a hard-coal crutch so she can go, “Be careful of me; I’m fragile and injured!”
Maybe she is. But that’s not your job to fix any more. You gave it your best shot, wore out your love trying to do so, and found that putting fresh helium into the balloon repeatedly doesn’t fix the hole on top of it, and you’re still drifting down towards a crash.
Go join Fierra. And be happy. You deserve it.
Thanks to aenea for checking up on her. You’re a terrific person too – and I don’t see anywhere near enough of you these days.
Oh, and Anth? I’d tell you what to do with being embarrassed about being a human being with feelings and letting them out here for your friends to help. But you don’t do them sorts of things! 
Anthracite-
I am sorry I came to this thread so late…I don’t generally check the board from work. You have already received tons of good advice and support, and most of it has been stated much better than I ever could. I just want to add this.
Dearest Una, I don’t know who needs to accept responsibility for the initial deterioration of your relationship. In my experience, it always takes two to make or break any bond, and I am fairly sure that this is truth here, too. However, I wasn’t around then, and have never heard “SO’s” side of the story.
BUT…I HAVE been here during the past several months while you struggled to HEAL the relationship, and so I CAN say with complete certainty that you HAVE done everything you possibly could to attempt to get back what the two of you once had. You have begged and pleaded with her to join you in relationship counselling. You have gone above and beyond where you probably should have in attempting to salvage this situation. YOU HAVE RECEIVED NO COOPERATION, AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO REPROACH YOURSELF WITH!!!
I don’t have any answers to the hurt you are feeling, or the guilt. I know that I would feel the same way that you do. Just please know that you are cherished and cared for and supported by those who love you. And those people are legion, as evidenced by this thread. You DESERVE to be happy and to have a relationship that is not toxic. And darlin’, that relationship WAS toxic, and not doing either one of you a bit of good anymore…and it was doing loads and loads of harm. You can’t help someone who refuses to help themself, love. You just can’t.
You are my beloved friend, and I am always, always here for you. Please PLEASE try to forgive yourself and accept what these fine people are telling you.
I love you, my friend!
Scotti
PS:This is from Kobii and myself…((((((((UNA)))))))))
And Una,if you are truly embarrassed about starting this thread, don’t be. We love you, we cherish you, and we are glad that you came to us to cry. I have cried to you in private, and you have been there. Many here have cried out in pain and you have been there for them. We are family. As I recently told another member of this board, if you can’t cry out to your “family” when you are in agony, who can you come to?
I was married to a woman who (within the scope of my knowledge of your situtation) very much fits the description of your ex.
She was sick. Sick in the mind and sick in the body. And, to boot, pregnant when I left her. So when you’re talking about guilt I know what you mean. I’ve ranted here in the past about some of the abuses I’ve suffered, though not all… yet, despite it all, leaving her was I think one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It very nearly resulted in my death. I had to do it, though. Had to. And it wasn’t about happiness anymore. I’d long ago given up my right to happiness. It was about a burden that I felt it was my responsibility to bear, and how I couldn’t do it. Without the constant denigration and abuse, I might still be married. Sickness or no… but the constant emotional terror was killing me inside. Still it finally took her brandishing her knife at me before I finally actually spoke the words ‘I’m leaving’. (she didn’t actually come at me or anything, thank god, but still, it was the proverbial straw)
Anyway, that was kind disjointed. I guess that’s ok as you’re probably feeling pretty disjointed right now to. So it might all make sense.
Alright. There is a point to this…
7yrs later…
I still have regular, almost daily contact with her as we have a son to raise. And I’ve seen a lot of shit.
She is still sick. Moans about it all the time but somehow never does anything about it. Others have come along and tried to love her and ‘save’ her and she treats them like shit too.
See, she was sick physically… and she was sick mentally… and sick emotionally too… and she came from an abusive home… and and and…
Underneith all that pain and suffering, is an evil bitch who habitually hurts those close to her and ultimately, sick or no, she really doesn’t give a shit.
So enough guilt already. Kellibelli, second only to you in the ‘hitting the nail on the head’ category, summed things up quite nicely on the previous page.
I would just like to add that eventually you will get healthy again. Surround yourself with people who will treat you with at least a basic sort of respect. You will find that eventually your thinking will clear and you will really feel and realize that ultimately you are doing the right thing.
(You may already know you are, but I don’t think you realize it)
For a moment now, I’m going to rediscover my religion and pray that she doesn’t take her time. Get this over with quickly. Any prolongation will just make things worse and prevent the start of any sort of healing.
(((Una)))
I know that you and I have never talked, but you know something? I have a very deep respect and admiration for you, as does a fairly huge percentage of the population here.
I’ve been where you’re at, too. Oh man, it sucks. It took me years to realize that I was not responsible for him or his problems. Yeah, he had a buttload of them, and I thought I could make him better. I failed. Why? Because he didn’t want my help. He needed someone to victimize, to make himself feel more powerful. He was too damn weak to admit he had problems, regardless of how many people told him he was sick and desperately needed professional help.
I extricated myself eventually, thank Goddess. And so will you. You have got to shake her off and move on with your new life with fierra. If you don’t, you’ll end up worse than she is. You’ve still got something left. Do NOT let her take that last bit away from you.
And do whatever you can to keep that cat!
Much love,
Cristi
Please everyone. I’m not worth it.
I knew that if I shared how forlorn and sad I was that the friends I have here would help me. And each and every one of you here has. And several people have e-mailed me as well, and I will respond to each mail - just give me a day or so.
I was in a really bad state last night, as one can probably gather from my very embarassing broken text and mis-spelled words. Actually, that is a large part of the embarassment.
But moreso…I don’t know how much longer I can go on taking. That is, taking from all of you. Many of you know this is not the first, nor the third, nor even the fifth time I have posted out of despair. And yet people are still offering comfort and kindness to me - that I really do not deserve.
Last night I had many people I could have talked to, but none of the ones I felt I could share the intimate details with were online, except for tiggeril. Thank you for being there BTW, dear tiggeril. If I had had a couple other people, or walked away from the PC, I would have been alright perhaps.
But, of course, I went and posted my brutally honest feelings - as I so often do. And thus I have once again become an object of pity for some, and sick amusement for others. And used up more of my store of friendship will all of the Kind People.
People, those who believe in me, let me promise you this - when I am finally alone, things will be different for me. Better, and different. Do not expect to see threads like this from me.
The real issue at heart is this is my first relationship of any kind - ever. Many long years, nearly a decade. And since it is my first, I don’t know what to do. How one is supposed to break up, how one is supposed to feel. Many go through this as teenagers; people like me go through it much later in life. Yeah, it’s hard, but so many of you have had it much harder. It just gets so overwhelming for me sometimes.
The thing that really broke me was that I take responsibilities seriously. Dead seriously. And in my mind, I had a responsibility to take care of this fellow human being who was very sick, diagnosed severely depressed. It was my responsibility, and I took it to heart. I used to console myself with the thought that even if I lived in pain until I was 75, at least I would have lived up to my responsibility.
What happened? What made me abandon my responsibility? I don’t know - something inside me finally cried out and died, and then I was left cold and dark. For a while I thought that was the ways life was meant to be. But then I found friends - by coming to the SDMB. I found lots of friends, dear, important friends. Then one day last September I realized that:
- There was no relationship.
- There would never be a relationship.
- I (and she) had a chance to be happy with another. But no chance to be happy together.
So continuing with the breaking of me. Essentially, she threw it at me - how I had “abandoned ship”, and was just a person who could not keep a promise, a responsibility. I did so for 8 years, and all that was ignored. I was told how I had completely ruined her life forever. She only entered her career because of me, only took a job she hated, only moved to the location we live, only bought the house - because I influenced her. She told me in great detail how much she wants to die because of me, and how she would never love anyone again, because she could never face being abandoned again.
So I went to my private den to bawl, and hold my head in my hands. And I tried to find someone to talk, but I was too out of it. So I posted here. Big mistake. Not for the outpouring of generous love and support, no. But because I do this too often, take advantage of friendship too much, and am simply too pathetic a person. Expect a self-flaming Pit thread soon.
To recap - Each and every person here and who mailed me made me happy. I am doing better now, no longer wanting to die or run away. In a month when I am alone in the house, things will be different. I did chat with Aenea, Pepperlandgirl, and Fierra all today - they can verify I am OK.
A couple people asked privately how I could “keep ignoring that so many people here obviously care about you”, and one of them went so far as to say “you really are being rude by not recognizing this”. Well, the answer is simple. When you are terribly depressed, and your world is falling apart, and physically you are all alone, it’s easy to feel like you are isolated and abandoned yourself. Obviously I am not, yet I still felt that way. Why? Because I, like many people, am fucked I guess. Other than that, I really don’t know.
Well, thank all of you again, and I will reply to all the mails I received from you kind people here.
Una
Well, I sure as hell ain’t gonna tell you how to feel. But I will tell you one thing;
When something is given, it’s given. And you are not then ‘taking’ it, you are accepting.
furthermore…
My supply of caring rarely exhausts until someone starts calling me bad things for no real reason. So, if it’s all the same to you, I’ll keep reading your posts and offerring what sympathies and empathies I can and hope that shit gets better for you sooner rather than later.
so there 
And also furthermore;
I’ve been thinking of posting some deeply personal stuff here too, hoping to get a good bead on things so to speak, but so far I’ve been too chicken shit.
I’m kinda impressed with you actually, and not just for posting. Overall, it seems to me that though it’s a rough road, it’s the right one.
I’m glad to hear your feeling a little bit better about circumstance. I hope it only continues in that trend.
What’s the saying? “Joy shared is doubled, pain shared is halved”?
I wasn’t sure whether to answer here. I know that I always kick myself when I feel I’ve been too open about something, and I didn’t want to add to that feeling if you were like that too. But you’re not only letting your friends and acquaintances here know what’s going on in your life, you’re also showing other people that it’s all right to be open and to be honest about needing support. That may stand someone else in good stead someday, so think of it as a service you’re doing. It’s okay to cry out when you’re in pain, and it’s okay to do it more than once or twice. It’s okay to do it as many times as you need to, and that’s why a lot of people are here, to share in each other’s experiences, good and bad.
It’s hard to be the one who does the breaking up. I have a dear friend who’s going through that right now, having to be the “bad guy” among most of their friends, knowing that he’s hurt someone he does care about but can no longer live with. But you can’t make yourself feel an emotion you don’t feel, and you’d be cheating both yourself and her if you tried. Sure, you have a responsibility to her, but she’s not your child, and your main responsibility to an adult is to be honest.
I know things will work out for you, and I hope that happens soon. One day you’ll look back and…well, not laugh, certainly, but at least breathe a sigh of relief that you made it, and you grew during the process.
I’m with dewt.
You will NEVER use up my store of friendship. And I would wager that everyone who’s posted here would agree with me on that one.
I also know how you feel, since I do the same thing. wry grin So I know that this is something you need to realize for yourself, dear one.
We are your friends because we like you.
We offer our support because we care about you.
We like and care about you because you’re a kickass person.
hugs Take care of yourself, dearheart.
So, how long are we allowed to keep liking you?
If we have to stop soon, is it OK if we like you a whole lot right away?
I know how hard it is to accept people showing love and kindness when you feel like a pile of crap. A smile, a word, a touch can cause the tears to start. But this is the time to cry. The grieving must be done before we can truly go on.
jm
Hey, shut up – you don’t get to decide whether you’re worth our time and effort and care – we do.
Don’t make us have to sit you down and force you to watch It’s a Wonderful Life, girl. And don’t think we won’t do it, either…
A simple observation from a newbie. You’ve been at the SMDB since March 2000, and at last count you have 72 people deeply concerned about your welfare.
Anyone who can make 72 good friends in a little less than a year is worth quite a lot.
Good point
What Dewt said.
And…
No, Una, you don’t deserve it. None of us do – if you did, it wouldn’t be giving. It enriches me when I can find the right things to say to somebody who’s hurting. You aren’t taking – you’re in need of healing, and we’re doing what we can – just as you would if the situation were reversed.
I didn’t get where I am by myself. My beloved wife has been there, loving me even when I was eminently unloveable, bearing with my stupidities, and nursing me along. My good friend George took an ego reduced to shambles and rebuilt it – and made himself and me a substantial income along the way, by challenging me to things he knew I could handle that I didn’t think I could. My pseudo-son Chris saw a bunch of self-loathing, even amidst the problems he himself was trying to deal with, and showed me that I was in fact a pretty decent person.
This is the sort of thing you can never pay back.
What you do is accept it, as gracefully and gratefully as possible…
and pay it forward.
Now’s my time to show Barb and George and Chris how much they’ve accomplished. By doing it for you, and the half dozen other people that I’ve had something to say that helped.
And I’ll bet dollars to gerbil dandruff that everybody else who’s posted here would tell you much the same thing, with the names and details changed for their individual stories. But that’s how it works: when you need, someone gives to fulfill your needs.
And then it’ll be your turn. And someone else will be hurting, and you’ll find you have what it takes to help heal them.
The economics of human emotions don’t work like Mr. Greenspan’s. To quote a favorite author of Tygr and myself (and my wife):
And I’ve seen you reaching out, in your own pain, to help others who needed what you had to give.
It’s one of my wife’s favorite images: The Wounded Healer
And that’s just what you are.
Take the love you’re offered as your due. Find the strength to get on with your life. Then pay it forward. Just as you’ve been doing.
{{{{Una}}}}
I like that Poly, I really do.
Friendship, true friendship, doesn’t have a “store.” For every time I’m there for a close friend, I know that they will one day do the same for me when I’m in a dire situation.
You’re going through a rough time. What kind of friends would we all be if we didn’t do our best to help you through the hurt? There’s no “store” there–this is what love truly is. It’s boundless, and not conditional on how cheerful you are at any given moment.
Seems this is a hard lesson to learn for a lot of people. Try to remember it.