why should i go on? Why does it hurt so much?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Polycarp *
And I’ll bet dollars to gerbil dandruff that everybody else who’s posted here would tell you much the same thing, with the names and details changed for their individual stories.

[quote]

Yup [sub]although that gerbil dandruff thing is vaguely disturbing[/sub].

Yup again. My parents taught me that: when someone helps you in your time of need, don’t argue – just say “thank you”, and at some point in the future when the opportunity arises, you help someone else in need. One of the best things they ever taught me.

And something else a friend told me when I was at a low point: “Just because you’re not a perfect person – and there ain’t no such thing – doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. You are. And the people around you know it.” Give yourself a break, 'kay?

82

Amen! I’m all about forming a posse right now.

But Una, there a few things you said that I feel must be addressed.

QUOTE * thus I have once again become an object of pity for some, and sick amusement for others*

Cite please?

QUOTE* I posted here. Big mistake.*

Explain to me how a sincere outpouring of love, frendship and caring for a person in emotional distress is EVER a mistake.

QUOTEexpect a self-flaming Pit thread soon.

Which will be soundly ignored. Girl, don’t even * try* it.

Finally, honey when are you gonna learn that one person can not tell another how to feel? It simply can’t be done. So we the members of the SDMB who have expressed our feelings for you are just going to go on feeling the way we feel about you until ** we ** decide otherwise. Deal with it.

83

Umm, ::cough::bull$*it::cough

No one is twisting our arm to like you, to care for you, or even to respect you. We do it because we DO, we CHOOSE to do those things. Friends are one of those things in life that few rarely earn; they are the sun on a cloudy day, water in the desert, a fire on a winter’s night. Cheesy, but true.

It took me a long time to learn how to accept people’s help. I finally had to learn that just as it was a blessing to me to be able to give to and help someone, it was a also a blessing to someone else to be able to give to and help me! Don’t stop us from being a blessing and enjoying being able to help. We love you - no one said you’d be presented with a bill; we aren’t asking for your resume to see if you’re “worthwhile” enough for us to care about!

Now, that being said, hang in there. You’ve got good friends here, ether-bound and otherwise, that want to help. Everyone in their life needs a listening ear and somewhere down the road, you’ll return the favor to one of us.

Sorry if I’m sounding like one of those glurge emails, doggone it, but it’s all true!

(((((Una))))))

84

You are worth it.
Stay.
Many people here love you.

85

Una

What can I tell you about that empty vacuum inside ?

What can I say about trying to find fault in oneself ?

Wat can I say about the mixed feelings you will get looking back on better times ?

Or even the anger you may feel later on ?

Or maybe the need to justify things you might regret you did or said ?

Or the insecurity you surely feel right now ?

I’ve been there and done the lot, I’ve seen friends go through terrible breakdowns and needing intervention.

There is such a lot going on right now and if you haven’t experienced it then it can be mind-spinning.
First blame and responsibility are just not helpful, you need to make some decisions on courses of action.

You will probably question many of your reasons for doing things, all you can do is act in best faith, there are no neat and tidy answers.

Talk to your personal friends, your parents and make a point of going out and doing something out of your routine.
I care, so do many other Dopers, but this is something you have to do yourself, advice is helpful but you know in your heart that you must do what seems right.

Situations change and only one decision is final, don’t box yourself in, you have so many choices and opportunities.

{{{{{{Anthracite}}}}}}

86

Una, I can understand your being eager to shut off the faucet–no, make that a firehose–of advice, good wishes esteem-building, etc. But think of this. There are probably other people who read the SDMB who are dealing with the same problems. Maybe they haven’t yet been able to take the step you have (breaking away). Those of them that read this are probably getting a lot out of it. And those of us who have successfully broken away from a relationship like this? It’s very validating to read all this and be reminded of why it was right to bug out.

It’s one of the reasons I read the boards: inevitably, someone else starts a thread by asking a question or posting a request for help that I myself could have or should have written. I read, I benefit.

87

Anthracite, please don’t be embarrassed. I’m glad you’re feeling better and hope you continue on the path to recovery.

Zenster:

Zen, please clue me in as to why this is ironic. I was trying to be helpful, but apparently you know something that I don’t…?

88

Una, I really feel for you. We’ve all been through breakups and it’s the pits while it’s happening, but we do get through it. wrt cats I don’t think it’s silly at all!
I have four at home, and wouldn’t part with Rocco, Devo, Fluffster*, or Plumpster* for anything.

I don’t think your SO can deny you access to the cats. If necessary I suggest you get a lawyer. I know it makes it worse to part so acrimoniously, but it sounds like you have a rock solid case on that issue.

*Real names Clover and Shadow; the former is a ragdoll-type and the latter a Siamese-type (points only, not true S. body type).

89

You are not taking you are helping the SBMD community to fight ignorance. That one of the corner stones of human existence, the processes and interactions involved between individuals that have come to consider themselves a couple has forever hung in the shadows, is deplorable. That we in our in this enlightened age continue to surround this subject with half formed pop psychology barely better than ‘Communicate, Accept, and it will all be OK’, is no reason we here should not attempt to deal with it.

Your honesty allows us to express our opinions on a subject that is rarely discussed in such an open forum. More importantly it allows many more, who cannot express their own feelings, to read these comments, and find that they too are not alone.

I for one feel neither pity nor amusement, I feel empathy and concern, not just for you but also for the many others who feel as you do.

When you are alone things may be better and will certainly be different, but I will continue to expect open and honest threads/posts from you always.

One does not use up friendship or caring, as it is given not taken. As is evidenced by you and your ex, you obviously still care deeply about her despite what you are both have been through.

All people have to deal with loss in one form or another, thank you for sharing yours and allowing us to try and help.

You took on a responsibility to help her, to be there for her. You are living up to that responsibility. You realised that the current situation was not helping her. You realised that destroying yourself was not going to help her. You are now trying to change things so that she can be helped. This is not failure, this is what mature adults do, acknowledge their limitations and then deal with the situations they encounter accordingly.

We all need support, places we can retreat to and recover in safety, if this is such a place for you, rejoice and use it. We will try to remove the occasional rock that might irritate you while you rest.

If you want help, we are offering it, of our own free will, please accept it.

We all have a responsibility to look out and care for each other where and as we can, I too take such responsibility seriously. I may not always succeed but I always aim to try my best.
Britt

90

I understand then why the doctrines that explain everything to me also debilitate me at the same time. They relieve me of the weight of my own life, and yet I must carry it alone. The Myth of Sysyphus, by Albert Camus

91

Anth, please listen to these folks. We think you’re pretty damned great, fine and unique just the way you are, and they’ve given stellar advice. Poly, Pundit, Falc, John Corrado, dewt–all of 'em are right.

There’s a line between being supportive and being codependant. I’m not a big fan of pop psych, but codependancy is just another way of saying, “trying to live someone else’s life and solve their problems for them”. Can’t be done–and it’s toxic as hell for both parties.

I’m (very newly) free from a 17 year relationship that blew down the worst roads there are. His personal problems expressed themselves first through infidelity, then increasingly out-of-control drinking. He rejected help, choosing to act out and mask his depression, etc. with booze. He’s lost his job, his wife, his memory and his health; I sincerely doubt he’ll live out another year. He systematically destroyed everything good in his life, and damned near destroyed me in the process. And with the best intentions, I unwittingly collaborated in it.

I’m going to say to you what I wish someone had said to me: life is precious and passes very quickly. NO ONE can solve someone else’s problems. Mental and emotional illness can be a total bitch, but the sufferer has to be willing to get help. You can be a comfort and support on the hard road, but she has to be willing to walk it: you can’t carry her anywhere she needs to be. The partner standing by also needs and deserves help and support. Extraordinary pressures call for extraordinary strengths, but the most loving, strong, concerned person can’t–CANNOT–make everything “okay” by herself.

Out of genuine love and concern you’ve exhausted yourself trying to do the impossible. Now you’re beating yourself up because it didn’t work. You’re “mirroring” the illness. You’ve poured out so much you’ve forgotten basic, decent care for someone: you. Your life isn’t for wasting either, dear.

Get help, Anth. You’ve been through a damned wringer. Feeling drained, lower than a snake in snowshoes is normal. Get professional help; if your SO was worth it why in the world assume you deserve less? Email folks here, adopt critters, exercise, listen to good music, read good books–do whatever nourishes Anth.

And remember, this too shall pass.

Veb

92

Erm… What they all said Una…

If you don’t know by now, there’s no hope for many of us.

Zero offense intended Lisa.

The thought of getting on a treadmill to make progress is hilarious.

Kill me now…

PS: Glad to hear you’re feeling better Anth.

93

Anthracite; I haven’t talked to you here, but have always admired you quite much, for your forthright and strong self.

Everyone has said well what your sweet ears need to hear now. What I’d like to say is that you are not “taking” by asking for support. You are giving all the folks here the chance to show how much they care for and love you. It’s an echo of the love you’ve given here. Hear the echo, your own beautiful voice, and find the wind to get you where you need to go now. Look up, there’s a billion boomin’ stars in your favor.

94

Well, this is going to be long, but bear with me.

Most of you may know that when I start a thread I normally respond to everyone in it. I have not yet, because I have been a bit overwhelmed. But it’s a cold and rainy Saturday morning alone here, and now I can clear my mind and answer and chat a bit

This is an incredible thread in two ways.

  1. It apparently attracted the kindest and most eloquent posters here on the Board. Many who have talked to me have wondered at the incredibly well-said advice and good arguments here. I had no idea I was worth enough to receive this, but here it all is. And I read, and re-read, and re-read, every word here.

  2. There are an incredibly large number of people who are going through nearly the same exact thing right now! I mean, what the Hell? Is it a February thing? Is it the weather? The post-election turmoil? In my Hotmail box are no less than 40 letters from other Dopers - only about 8 of which also posted here. In my inbox, I read of long, multi-page tales of sadness, broken dreams, solemn lonely existences, and out and out abuse. So many people have had relationships like mine, but very surprisingly so many are currently in my same situation right now. Incredible, and incredibly sad.

I only had one flame e-mail of the entire group - a new record, I think.

Let me say that this thread did make a difference. It really did help me, and really has been a source of comfort to go back and re-read when I start to get scared about being alone, or think about how I might have been nothing but a failure and misfit in my life.

There are many who mailed me, all will be responded to. It’s just overwhelming, and will take a bit.

The way I see it now, this relationship ending has 4 distinct milestones in it:

  1. Speaking the words - or as one person called it here long ago on the Board in a similar thread, “pulling the trigger”. Death imagery aside, it seems like the hardest thing to do. But I found it is not.

  2. Dividing stuff up - this is what I just finished, and it is very hard. Because it makes you actually think about what your new life will be like in detail. In hard detail. Every room you look at, every gift given to you, every Christmas card or birthday card you find is a new reason to bawl like a baby. You search through old clothes, and find one of her shirts mixed in with yours. Time to cry. You are looking for a book for work, and find a Beanie Baby gift given to you on a happy whim, and you cry. You find old vacation photos. You find gift cards, with the words written upon them:

and then guess what happens. We have many songs that were “ours”, movies that were “ours”. Now they are just painful.

I already mentioned the cat. Let me go into a little detail. By brevity earlier led people to believe that I did not want her to have the cat at all. That is not the case. She loves the cat dearly, and will take good care of him. And she needs a cat to take care of her. Since this is her favorite cat, and she does not have nearly the rapport with the others, I thought it would be best if she took him. The problem is that I had no idea I would never see him again - ever. I could stand with seeing him once a month, or every couple of months even, but never? That is the only dispute. And as many have said, perhaps she will relent when she calms down.

I do not want to get lawyers involved at all. That would be a very bad thing right now. Currently, we agree 100% on the division of everything - the house, furnishings, electronics, money, cars - everything is in total agreement. If I involve lawyers over visitation for my kitty, things could get very ugly, and incredibly expensive.

Anyhow, on with the list.

  1. The actual move and being alone. Here is when open howling chaos can result. Things get terribly disrupted. You have to find a new place to live - incredibly terrible. You see your things loaded on a truck, and know you will never see them again. You find all sorts of items that require last-minute bickering, things get broken, you have to run about and set up new utilities, get adjusted to a new place. Since I will remain in the house, this will be much harder for her, and it breaks my heart because I know the pain she will be going through.

And then, finally, the door will close for the last time, and I will be alone in an empty house. That first week will be a dangerous one - coming home to empty cold rooms, knowing I will be all alone - period. While some may long for that period of time, I on the contrary fear that week. It will be a dangerous and scary time for me. The urge to kill myself or drink will be running through the back of my mind. I can escape it by staying at work for late nights, and coming home to crash. But on the weekends…well, who am I kidding - I’m working this weekend too.

  1. Finding someone else, or seeing the other with someone else. Actually, for me this is not hard, and half is done. I do have someone else, someone I love very much. And if the SO finds someone else that seems decent I will actually be very happy, and feel like a load is off of my mind. Because she needs someone to love her and take care of her very, very much. My worry is if she stays alone, and how she might feel incredibly sad and totally rejected when she learns that I now love someone else. I worry once again for her and her feelings.

For all that has gone on, I do deeply care about her. I do love her, but am not in love with her at all. I know, pop psychology again. She had a hard, abused life, and is a very kind and good person at heart. But we cannot be together, and I absolutely cannot ever see any situation, even if I was alone, where I would risk being the codependent again. So I do want to ask something of you all, any who post or mail about this - please do not be harsh with the SO or call her names in your posts. Yes, she has done bad things and had very bad behaviors. But I still care about her, and it hurts me to see her trashed - even if it is for a good reason. I’m not upset now, or trying to be fussy at anyone. Just…from now on, I just want to ask that people not be mean to her in what they write. Thank you.

Plus…you all have the disadvantage of hearing only my side of the story. For all you know, I’m a drunken dominatrix that snorts coke off of her tummy and then whips her with stinging nettles every night, after she spends 2 hours cooking and cleaning. Or I’m a lesbian Al Bundy. Or a little from Column A, a little from Column B…

Anyhow. Let me wrap this post up by thanking everyone once again for their kind concern.

Una

95

Wow. I whole-heartedly apologize for being so late, Una. Still, if it’s not too late for hugs, then:

{{{{{Anthracite}}}}}

Now, I think I’ll get in just a bit of advice, no matter how belated.

When you listed all of the milestones of this event, you forgot to include the biggest one.

Number 5: Freedom*.

I know that I dont’ know you very well, and therefore can’t pretend to know the course of the relationship, but what I’ve picked up from the people in this thread is that it was no fun trip. A fact that it also seems you are in no way responsible for.

Rest assured that, after a time, the emptiness in your house that you speak of will take a new form. Suddenly, at some point, you’ll look around and it won’t feel lonely anymore. It will feel free. And THAT is when you’ll know that you’ve done the right thing.

Best wishes, Una, and stay strong.

96

Hmmm. Please pretend, for the moment, that I know how to work vB coding. Thank you.

97

Opportunity…

It says so much.

98

You are one of the posters I respect the most on this board and I’m only sorry that I wasn’t able to post sooner. Your humor, lucidity and intelligence shine through in your posts without fail.

Having said this I have a slightly acerbic outlook on these situations based on recent and not so recent personal relationships. Perhaps it is unduly pessimistic, banal and defeatist but so it goes.

There are obviously depths and complexities to your relationship with your ex-SO that a simple thread like this will never come close to encompassing, but in the end how could you know it would end like this? You tried your best and it didn’t work out. No one has a crystal ball into the future.

People are who they are. It is possibly important from a moral “good person” pespective to believe that people’s fundamental personality traits or behaviors can change substantially but in practice, for adults in real world, this doesn’t happen that often. People with serious and not so serious problems/issues/baggage are often attractive as rescue opportunities for “can do”, “I CAN make this work” personalities or simply as an opportunity for two lonely souls to find some common comfort.

Grown adults, even seriously depressed ones, aren’t your moral and personal responsiblity unless you decide that’s a backpack you want to carry. You have every right (and in fact an obligation to yourself) to put it down if it’s breaking your back.

99

FWIW

I am very musically oriented and it is a big part of my life. It seems I can correlate nearly every life event to a song. Right now I’m listening to Kenny Wayne Shepard, My Last Goodbye and thinking of how hard it is to make a clean break followed by a new beginning.

" A door closes, another one opens,
I feel the cold wind blowing over me.
Long gone but not forgotten, I might be lost
I might be finally free.

I’m finally free.

This is my last goodbye. Yes it is.

Yes it is."

What odd creatures we humans are. We find it hardest to let go of the things, feelings, and situations that are causing us the most pain. I find myself in the same but completly opposite situation as others on this board.