Hey, I messed up. I think. Can somebody please tell me that I messed up my board, so I can retype it?
Thanks.
Well, damn, I’m gonna hug you anyway!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{BadAzzBec}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I’m easy, ask anyone.
Yes yes, I did mess up my board.
Ok, here it goes, again.
I know you all are probably thinking this is another “teenager in love sob story.” But I’m 19 years old, and I know what love feels like. And franky, right now, I hate it. I don’t know why I’m even posting on here. Maybe I need advice, maybe I just need to vent. Anyway, here’s my tale.
I have been best friends with this guy, lets call him Joe, for a little over 2 years. I started to develop feelings for him. After graduation this spring, we started dating. Well for the last 3 months, we have grown extremely close. After falling in love and getting my heart broken for the first time 2 years ago, I never thought I’d feel that way again. I’d been through other crappy relationships, and then came Joe. He has made me feel alive again. The more time we spent together, the more I fell insanely in love with him. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me and cared about me. The way he looked into my eyes and told me things, now I just can’t believe that they aren’t true. I cannot even express how happy he made me feel.
Well, yesterday, he told me that he just couldn’t go out with me anymore, becuase he had to try to stop convincing himself that he loved me. This caught me totally off guard. He never led me to believe that anything was wrong. We have always had great times. I just assumed that he felt the same way for me as I did for him.
So now I dont’ know what to do. I want to be a bitch about the whole thing, and never speak to him again, but I can’t. Because deep down inside, I still care about him. I’m just really angry. How could my best friend lead me to believe that he was in love with me for the last three months!? This wouldn’t have hurt nearly as bad if he would have just rejected me from the beginning, and not have played off the whole thing like it was okay. Hell, it probably would have saved the friendship too. Because at this point, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I did push him into a relationship he didnt’ want. But shoudln’t he have told me from the start that he just wanted to be friends?
I woke up today, and I realized that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, and that I lost one of the bestest friends I’ve ever had. I’m hurt. I can’t stop crying, and I had to force myself to sleep last night. Then when I opened my eyes, I knew that from here on out, things would be different. It’s like a wound, or a twisted muscle or something. It always hurts worse the second day.
So dopers, what do you say? Should I just say bye bye to the friendship, or should I give myself time to heal, and then attempt to work on it? I don’t even know how I feel right now. My body and mind are completely wrecked.
They say if you love something, you should let it go, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be. But what if it never loved you to begin with?
It’s not like I would have ever know.
Hey, thanks Max Carnage, for the hug.
But you’re just doing that cause I’m on the rebound, and you know how rebound girls are.
The next guy that walks up to me that is like, “Hey you wanna go out?”
I’m just gonna be like, “sure!”
Haha, thanks for the hug, though.
He broke up with you, he didn’t die in a car wreck.
Yes, I realize that was callous, but I have a point.
If he did die in a car wreck, say, a year from now, what would you prefer to see when you looked back: a year of friendship (albeit a somewhat bittersweet one), or a year that didn’t have him in it (assuming you got to say your “well, this is it” parting on good terms speech)?
I’m sorry that I was rude, and I’m sure I could have presented my position more gently, but I, along with most other people, have fallen in love and had my heart broken, and I know that sometimes the one thing that is needed most is perspective.
Whatever you choose (and I do, personally, hope you choose to continue your friendship), I wish you luck in carrying on with your life.
First of all, here’s a hug:
{ }
Second of all, I’m not going to be very helpful. Because I, for one, have never been deeply in love with anybody. But I certainly wouldn’t reject your feelings as shallow teenaged angst, or anything like that - I’m sure you have been very much in love with this guy, and love deserves respect no matter what the age of the person feeling it. besides which, I’m only a couple of years older than you, so it would be pretty snotty of me to talk to you like you’re a child.
** BadAzzBec ** , I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through something so difficult. I don’t know that I can give you any advice, other than to give it time, and let your heart heal. Once in awhile, we all get shocked by some awful situation that disappoint our expectations, and tear out our hearts. At such times, it’s quite normal to feel that there’s no solution, and that there’s no getting past it, and we’ll be miserable forever. But, most of the time, we heal. It may take a long time, but hearts (like anything else) can get past injuries like these. That’s about all I can tell you.
Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.
Thanks for all that. And I’m not taking any of your comments/perspectives the wrong way. It’s what I need to wake myself up and quit sulking.
I’ve been hurt worse before. My brother passed away, my first cousin passed away, my first love completely cheated on me and dumped me… I’ve gone through a lot of worse things than just some relationship coming to an end. I guess from all my past experiences I should learn that life does go on… that that eventually, though not fully, time will take away the pain.
It’s just getting over the shock. That is whats killing me.
Thanks though.
Thanks for all that. And I’m not taking any of your comments/perspectives the wrong way. It’s what I need to wake myself up and quit sulking.
I’ve been hurt worse before. My brother passed away, my first cousin passed away, my first love completely cheated on me and dumped me… I’ve gone through a lot of worse things than just some relationship coming to an end. I guess from all my past experiences I should learn that life does go on… that that eventually, though not fully, time will take away the pain.
It’s just getting over the shock. That is whats killing me.
Thanks though.
{{BadAzzBec}}} (one arm’s bigger’n the other)
{{BadAzzBec}}}
{{BadAzzBec}}}
{{BadAzzBec}}}
{{BadAzzBec}}}
{{BadAzzBec}}}
[sub]Yeah, I like to hug a lot. You should see me at dopefests:)[/sub]
{{{BadAzzBec}}}
That’s at least two of us feeling a bit battered at the moment, although mine’s from the sudden loss of a job, not a love. So, let me give you the advice I’ve been trying to follow. Take a step back and give yourself a bit of time to heal and rebalance yourself. You’ve had a bit of experience with grief, it sounds like, so you know what’s involved.
As to the future, my first love was also my best friend, and, when he faded out of my life, I was particularly angry at the loss of a friend who knew me better than anyone else. Let yourself be angry if you need to; you are entitled to be. As to the honesty, that, of course is something you need to decide. Talk to him if you need to, and try to see how much was wishful thinking on your part. If you decide to keep the friendship, remember you can control your heart, and resolve to keep your relationship strictly friendship.
My heart goes out to you, but you will be ok, you know. For right now, we can shed some tears together while we figure out what to do next.
Here’s one for the road:
{{{BadAzzBec}}}
CJ
(((BadAzzBec)))
I know exactly how you feel… I’m going through something similar right now. Only I type a lot more, and I don’t have any facility for letting go at all. Considering that my OP seemed to disturb ppl, be warned, but have a look at my “Breakup Survival Techniques” thread for truckloads of advice on how to deal with bad relationship thingies… TalkingHead’s advice, near the end, is probably the most intelligent thing I’ve heard in a long time… not to criticise anyone else, just that TH’s post really makes universal sense.
It won’t kill you. I thought my own situation would, and it certainly made me dangerously ill, but I survived. Email me if you need support, it’s always good to be able to vent personally…
{{BadAzzBec}}
My advice: Give yourself some time before doing anything.
It’s certainly possible that “Joe” really wanted things to work out romantically, but you know that you (collective you) can’t make a feeling into something it is not. Now, not only is he moving on but allowing you to move on. I know that you are not only hurt but surprised. Don’t beat yourself up. Grieving for something lost is normal and healthy to a point; sulking is just spinning your wheels, doesn’t help anything at all, and really serves no purpose but to make you feel worse.
After awhile, you’ll start focusing on all the exciting times/people/situations/relationships yet to be. Anything could be around the corner.
Again, give yourself a good amount of time, then see what you feel like doing about “Joe.”
The end of a relationship is not the end of the world (as you alluded to previously). It just seems like it at the time.
Thanks everyone for all of your support. When you reach a level of intimacy in a relationship, it just makes it hard to let go… you feel me?
I am angry, because I was being used basically, even though I know he didnt’ intentionally hurt me.
Did I forget to mention that he just broke up with one of the most beautiful, intelligent, sweet girls he will ever come across in his life?
Not conceided, just needed to boost my self confidence a little bit.
Oh yeah, does anyone realize how hard it is not to bitch him out for his mistakes, because I’m trying to handle this the mature way? I have so many things to say, so many things that I’d probably regret saying, and a lot of it is just blowing off steam.
Better to keep my feelings to myself, eh?
sigh
What a bad, bad day today has been.
I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, BadAzzBec. I think it’s good to be angry, and good to focus on why you’re awesome. It doesn’t sound like you could have done things any differently – he wasn’t honest, probably because he didn’t know how to be. It takes most of us guys a long time (if ever) to learn how to be direct about what we want out of a relationship without being bastards.
Most importantly, don’t try to be friends. At the very least, not right away. I think the assumption that one should always try to downgrade straight back into friendship makes most breakups much more painful than they have to be. Cut off contact and get over him. If you see him in the future, you can decide if you want him as a friend. Right now he’s just some dumb guy who doesn’t have the good sense to want to be with you. His loss.
Try putting your hands around yourself & give your self a hug. That works too…
Im still trying to figure out his reasoning. How old is the chap?
The way these things work is you put in your time & take your chances.
Several things:
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Remember that the worth of a relationship is not graded by it’s longetivity: in my experience, teens often feel like a relationship has to last so that they can prove it really was love all along, and they look at brake-ups not only as effecting the future, but as tainting the past: “The whole time I thought we would be together forever, but now it turns out that the whole time was just a cruel joke.” The emotions you felt and the lessons you learned and the memories you gained are still 100% yours, and they are not worth any less because they didn’t lead to a 50th wedding anniversary party.
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This section concerns me:
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This suggests to me that you haven’t spent a great deal of time single: since you were 15, you’ve been either in a relationship, or about to be in a relationship, or getting out of a relationship. I strongly recomend that you resolve to stay single for a year or so. You will be happier all your life if you prove to yourself now that you can be happy and single at the same time, and the only way to prove it is to do it. If you don’t think you can stand to be alone, then your relationships are never about choice, they are about desperation, and that taints relationships with even the best people.
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It’s very old, very tired advie, but the fact remains that the best cure for heartache is physical labor. You need to find yourself a project or a job: something that demands you work harder than you know how to work.
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Near as I can tell, Joe didn’t do anything wrong here: it’s ok to enter into a relationship when you are less than 100% sure, because if [people didn’t, no one would ever date. And you really wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t really chose to be with you, someone who felt trapped in the relationship because they liked you and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. You are upset because Joe isn’t feeling what you want him to feel. This is perfectly fine–I’m often upset when people I love don’t feel what I want them to feel. I will tell you that this is the hardest part of growing up–accepting that the world is not what we want it to be, but it is what it is.
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Try to have faith that this is not how things are going to be for the rest of your life. You’ve had a run of very bad luck. But there will be runs of good luck, as well, and one day when you are waking up in the morning curled up in bed with George, who understands parts of you that you never even thought anyone else in the world could see, you will remember Joe and think “thank god!”. I know this dosne’t provide a lot of emotional comfort right now, but it may provide some intellectual comfort.
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I f you are sexually active, BE CAREFUL. A woman is never more fertile than when she is on the rebound.
Having sex with me for three months and leading me on by telling me he loved me and cared about me when he really didn’t means he didn’t do anything wrong?
What kind of world are we living in then here?
Does it always have to be the person who got hurt’s fault?
Might as well kick me while I’m down.
My simple advice as a somewhat younger teen is, don’t be too hasty to end a friendship because your dating relationship ended. Friendships, to me, are the most important, most enduring relationships you can have, and while you are angry right now, it sounds like you still care for this guy. As a matter of fact, you said so yourself. So, give it time, and see how you feel about it.
And another thing - stop belittling your feelings and questions! They are all perfectly and completely legitimate, and no one is judging or questioning them. All of your experiences are 100% genuine, and 100% worth looking at. You’ll find that most people do understand what you’re going through, and are not going to dismiss you as a foolish, lovestruck teenager. I hope, at least.
Oh, I forgot something…
{{BadAzzBec}}
~Grelby
Listen to Manda JO - she seems to know what shes talking about in this field
A minor suggestion, to adapt to your situation, if possible. A couple of friends of mine broke up a few years back, and at the time shared the same circle of friends/event, etc. It wasn’t the “greatest love” kind of relationship, but special enough to them that it was hard to see one another without getting hurt/angry. So they gave themselves a mutually agreed on “time out”, where they didn’t spend time together. If they went to the same party, then they talked to different people, or stayed in different rooms, that kind of thing. The relationship, their friendship - they just didn’t talk about it for a length of time. It gave them the chance to think about how they felt, and to deal with not being together, but also to continue to share the same friends and not disrupt their whole lives.
Then they sat and talked quite deeply about how they felt when their “time out” was over, and it turned out that they were both ok with things, and happy, and moving on. Their friendship is still strong, without the “you did this/you did this” BS that goes with meeting one another right after a break-up.
Take the time for yourself, but also let him know about it, or he might think things are a lot worse than they are, you know?
[quote]
Having sex with me for three months and leading me on by telling me he loved me and cared about me when he really didn’t means he didn’t do anything wrong?
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