I don’t know why I’m even posting this here. The other posts and threads I’ve made have been generally non-personal, and I haven’t really established connections with anyone here. I guess I need some place to vent where no one knows me, and where I don’t have to explain the parts of the story I don’t want to explain.
Everything was going very well for me up until this week, when I realized that the girl I love seemed…less warm towards me. As if something had come between us. I finally got up the courage to ask her what was going on and she explained that she was no longer in love with me. I know it happens. I’ve been there myself. You fall in love and you’re living in a dream, and then one day you wake up and it’s just not there anymore. It hadn’t been a very long relationship, only a few months, and so I can’t really hold it against her. She says she still wants to be friends, and she’s glad to have me as a friend.
But I’m a mess.
She was – she is – my closest friend, besides our romance. I never met anyone who understood me the way she does, who I could just talk to for ages. I’ve had a crush on her since we met, which was over a year ago. When she finally told me she felt the same way, I was so happy I cried. And a few other times while we were together, I felt overcome by emotion the same way and just sobbed for sheer joy.
Thinking about those times still makes me cry. I definitely prefer crying with happiness.
I can’t sleep now. I toss and turn until I finally get to sleep, only to wake up in the middle of the night sick and shaking, my heart pounding. I’ve always had a problem with anxiety. I get panic attacks when I’m worried about something. When I’m alone in my bed everything snowballs irrationally and I can’t remind myself the way I usually do that there are still so many things in the world that are wonderful. And even in the daytime, one moment I’ll be laughing and the next I’ll want to throw up.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by making this thread. I guess I just want to hear that it’s possible to live through this sort of thing and come out just as happy in the end. I know I won’t always be in love with her, but I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone so perfect. And I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling this way. It is a very raw pain, a very direct and concentrated pain. It hurts.
Give it time, things will get better, yada yada yada.
BUT… right now, it sucks and it hurts. For that I am sorry. I’ve been there, survived, loved and lost and loved again. But none of that matters in the moment.
Sorry you’re going through it. Feel free to PM me or email me (in my profile) if you want to vent more/sob on my shoulder/ whathave you.
I’m truly sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s a painful and nasty experience. But you sound like you have the presence of mind to know that it will get better, which is a bonus for you. Sometimes people in your situation can’t see past the sense of devastation.
For now, make sure you look after yourself, do things you enjoy, get out of the house, and try and see your friends or family. Try your best to keep busy.
Take care for now, and I’ll also put myself forward for being available in PM’s or email to chat anytime.
I have truly been there, and it truly sucked. Seriously ouchie in the worst possible way. Your post brought back the really visceral nature of the pain. Like waking up with my arms physically aching to hold him. Ouch ouch ouch! ! !
And yes, it got better/easier/less ouchie. Right now you just have to walk through it. Be nice to yourself, and maybe get some Haagen Dazs. Make an effort to be around people, even if it feels funny. The more human contact you have, the faster it heals.
So you’d rather I lose my closest friend on top of my relationship than just suck it up and be a good friend like I did for an entire year when I had feelings for her that were not returned at the time? I just…no.
Heh. When a girl says “Let’s still be friends” that essentially means “I want our relationship to remain exactly like it is, except instead of fucking you I’m gonna be fucking these other guys.”
If you’re content to be the “friend” that goes around helping her pick out the outfits to get fucked in, go right ahead. I would never be able to handle that.
Though if you were her “friend” for a year before ever making a move, then you set the wrong precedent from the very beginning, and it comes as no surprise at all that she isn’t into you as a romantic partner now.
I’ve successfully made long-term friends out of two past lovers, with no baggage and such contaminating said relationships. If both people are adult about it…
Wow, awesome, this sort of abuse is exactly what I needed right now. :rolleyes: I believe knowing the whole story would probably change your opinion, but I did not come here to give the details of something I don’t want to think about, nor did I come here to argue.
Thanks John DiFool. As it happens I’ve remained friends with someone I once had a romantic relationship with myself. Our friendship is nowhere near as close as it was once, but that’s nothing to do with the fact that we used to be involved and everything to do with the fact that we’ve both changed and have less in common these days.
Okay, it has been a few days, and I am feeling much more at peace after having spent some time with family and friends. Still a little annoyed because the girl in question seems to be ignoring my existence, but I think this may be partially out of courtesy/not wanting to open fresh wounds and partially because she’s been quite busy with work.
I now have a question.
Since I’m not in a relationship, I don’t have to worry about issues of jealousy. Five years ago when I was a bit younger and stupider I developed a crush on a girl I knew online. She was older than me, but we were both in high school at the time. She confessed that she had feelings for me and we very briefly had something similar to the teenager in John Carter’s thread, except without any promise of visiting each other. She turned out to be no fun to be in a ‘relationship’ of any sort with, because she seemed to be more interested in spending time with other people and bragging about it to me than actually spending time with me. (It was an open relationship but I’m all for open relationships, so that wasn’t the whole issue.)
We lost touch because a) I was POed, b) she disappeared off the face of the earth for a while to do volunteer work.
Here’s the thing: I’m moving to her city in a couple of months. We would still have plenty in common. I have an email address to get in contact with her. I know no one in my new city. I have no interest in dating this girl but I think she could probably show me around the city if she’s interested in hanging out. Should I send her an email?
ETA: Just for the record – and I don’t know if it makes any difference – I am female and bisexual. I think it might matter because it would make this girl much less likely to think I’m trying to hook up with her.
I’ve remained friends with an ex-lover, but not with a boyfriend with whom I’ve had a long-term, committed relationship. When I break up with you, it means “I am going to have sex with another guy now,” and and I’ve found ex-boyfriends don’t usually tend to be okay with that. At least mine weren’t.
It really depends on the personalities involved, to be honest, whether you can stay friends with someone after a breakup.
I have done so, to be sure, but none of those people ended up being my close, long-term friends–anywhere from two to ten years later, I’m not really in touch with any of my exes.