I intentionally hurt someone I like today.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I feel bad about it but he keeps telling me he loves me but I don’t feel that I love him. Rather than stringing him along, I told him that I don’t want to see him anymore because I don’t love him, don’t want to see him again, and don’t want to hurt him more by stringing him along.

:confused:

He told me he still wants to be friends and see me. I am not sure that is the right thing to do. I told him I would think about it and give an answer later. I do like him but I don’t love him. Any one in a similar situation? Have any advice for me?

HUGS!
Sqrl

2

Those situations are always tough for everyone involved. For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing by not stringing him along. Yeah, it’s a tough thing to do, but in the long run it’s for the best.

3

You did absolutely the right thing.

Stringing him along, instead of cutting right to the heart of the matter, would have done well to hurt him, and might provide avenue for resentment in the future.

You’ve done well.

4

Yeah, I’ll have to agree that you did good. It’s the best way to go. You’ll make seargent for this.

5

I hope you were blunt and did not try to “sweeten” it a little by using a line such as “i’m not ready for a boyfriend right now”, and then start going out with his friend later that week. um… wow. After 10 years I’m still bitter… :smiley:

I would let him cool off for a month, then try the friendship again. If he gives any sign that he is not over you please let him go.

6

I mean “I’m glad you were blunt…”. It sounds like you did the right thing.

7

Think you did the right thing.

If you actually like this guy as a friend, maybe 6 months from now after the dust settles, his attraction to you as a girlfriend is only a pleasant or not so pleasant memory, then maybe you can be friends. But that’s way in the future.

8

China Guy: SqrlCub is a guy.

–John

9

You did the right thing. I just hope you didn’t lead them on and lie to them on a daily basis and then suddenly spring it on them one day. That sucks. I’m sure you’re not that much of a worthless loser though.

Sorry, I turned this into my own rant. Yeah, my life sucks.

10

SqrlCub, you did the right thing, hon. I’ve been in that situation (on both sides) and was always grateful for honesty when I was the one who was “in love” with the other person. Sparing feelings rarely does in the long run. Honesty is best, and giving him a chance to be a friend instead of a lover is also a good thing. But if he does still pursues you as more, it’s probably better to spend less time with him. And be honest about that, too. Just disappearing, not answering phone calls, avoiding him in that situation is always obvious to the other person.

Whatever happens, just do what you think is right. I’ve seen enough of your posts and heard enough good things about you in other Dopers’ chat and posts that I’m sure that you’re likely to pick the right path in any event.

jayjay

11

the friendship thing is a possibility but not soon. took 2 years for my ex-wife and i to get to the point where we wern’t walking on eggshells everytime we spoke.

12

God, this thread is depressing me.:frowning:

13

Speaking from someone who has been strung along…I would’ve FAR rather the girl did what you did. You definately did the right thing.

14

Thanks for all the advice keep it coming. He wants me to keep going out with him as friends. But like I said, I told him I would have to think about it. Anyway, he knew from the beginning that I didn’t have love feelings for him. Initially, I wasn’t sure and told him as much but had later just told him that I liked him but not loved him. He just kept professing his love which is when I finally realized to myself that I must have somehow started stringing him along (we had been seeing eachother for about 2 months…and he got all “lovey” after the first month) and knew that after the 6 week period that I had to somehow end it. I know it is an early relationship. I mulled over it for two weeks and told him tonight. Gods, I hate making grown men cry.

Any other advice coming through would be really nice.

HUGS!
Sqrl

15

Hmm.

I’d prolly hafta side with the majority on this one; it prolly is better that you didn’t string him along any longer than you did.

But a warning–things may actually end up being as tough on you as they are on him. If my experience is any indicator (which it may not be), if you do try to maintain the friendship, it’ll be tough on him. It may be the case that, from his perspective, the hope for a relationship that had been driving your friendship is gone, and that drastically changes the dynamic of a relationship. I know that I’ve been in places where I’ve been seriously interested in someone who was very seriously disinterested in me, and once they let me down, yeah, I’m better off, but the relationship isn’t.

And I may not be a good example; normal, emotionally healthy people may respond way differently. :stuck_out_tongue:

But feelings can’t be turned on and off. Whatever he felt for you he still feels, and he still will feel. The fact that he wants something he can’t have could cause a lot of stress for both of you.

Anyway, in short: good call cutting it off, and very good call not actively trying to maintain the friendship, IMSHO.

16

I’ve been there, having to be honest with someone I would have liked as a pal, but didn’t want as a boyfriend. It was tough–only time in my life I’ve ever had to do that–but we did become good friends later, and have both gone on and happily married other people.

But–we had almost no contact for six months, and only then were we able to construct a friendship. I’d say that’s the way to go. See how much you miss each other’s company, REALLY.

T

17

Sqrl, pal, you’ve received some good input; let me add a little.

Someone above said something about stay loose for a month. Nah.

If you’re possibly good friends in the long term it’ll take longer than that. My SO of almost a decade and I split up a few years back. And we have a great relationship now - she’s one of my dearest friends, she knows me and I know her v-e-r-r-r-y well, and we’re friends for life.

But the splittin’ up was not easy (she fired me, BTW). While there were a few contacts in phone calls in the weeks following her move out (which I, of course, helped with), it took a year of almost zip contact before we saw each other again. That was time enough for both her and myself to construct lives that did not hinge on one another, and we’ve since come back together as friends who can enjoy the aspects of each other we like without the baggage of being mates (and all that entails).

As anyone could guess, there’s a lot more to the story than I can pack in to 10 or 12 sentences. I’ll resist the common Doper urge to talk more about myself (Hey! Where would MPSIMS be without that?) and try to make a point.

You’ve done both your acquaintance and yourself a HUGE favor by not letting something drag on that you already knew couldn’t work. That much you probably knew before you posted the OP, and you’ve been reinforced in that view.

My point would be that if there is some basis for a lasting friendship independent of an SO relationship, you probably need to give it a lot more space than a month. Let the romantic air clear to a point without a doubt. If there are lasting traits in both you and the other guy that allow a friendship to endure without contact for a long bit, they will survive the separation.

How do I put this? The enduring danger is that you’ll allow enough contact for the one with the broken dreams to maintain their fantasy - NO! He’s got to face up to a life where you are, at the least, an acquaintance, at the best a friend, but not the partner.

I hate this stuff, but it’s part of life. I’ve had to fire GFs myself and I’ve been fired more than once.

Good luck with it all, pal.

18

SqrlCub, You know I love you and I must say that I am proud of you for being honest with this guy. Yes he may be hurt right now, but it is nothing like the pain (and anger) he would have felt if you had let him believe there was a chance.

I also agrre with beatle, it takes a good bit of time for some of us to let go of our desires for a person we love or believe we love. Especially if there is contact between you for your dreams to have something to hang on to. So keep your distance for a good while, let his feelings be attached to someone else before doing the friend thing. (of course my advice is worth what you pay for it)

What you did was the best way to handle it, you were honest and honesty is a wonderful gift to give to someone. Even if it hurts at the moment.

Smooches

19

You did the right thing, you may be able to still be friends but I would think that it’s going to take a while for him to get over it (At least it would if it were me). maybe after that you can still be friends, although it might be awkward at first. But he must accept that you don’t love him first.

Good luck

20

Sqrl, you did the right thing by being honest. I was in this situation with someone in February and March, and it was really awkward - we continued to spend time together and be friends and he took it as “there’s still a chance!” so I stopped spending time with him, was honest about why. Now he and I email occasionally and will probably get together for a movie or something soon. I just needed to cut contact for a while so that it would sink in that he and I were not happening and let him heal a bit.

Hugs!