This hurts

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, I should’ve seen some of this coming, I’ll admit. Doesn’t make it any better.

My SO and I just broke up after nearly 4 years together. There’s a chance we’ll get back together. He still loves me and vice versa. I know there isn’t anyone else–yes, I asked–but it doesn’t make it any easier. We’re largely long distance – so he left earlier than we anticipated he would, expecting we’d have a couple extra days together.

He just needs time to, as he put it, “sort shit out.” He hasn’t been feeling 100% self-confident (job search, academics, etc.) for a while now. He’s pulled away every now and then in recent months, from me, saying how he can’t handle all the stress of school work and whatnot. He just graduated and I want to see him happy like he seemed to be that night. But who knows how long that’ll take.

What is so bewildering to me is…well, how unexpected it was (neither of us woke up two days ago anticipating that we’d be bawling our eyes out for the rest of it), and how he just can’t see what an amazing person he is. He had incredible grades in college, but he’s just so hard on himself. I don’t know what to say, other than I’ve promised multiple times (even before this) that I’m here to support him.

I wish there was some way to reconnect and just establish that I’m willing to give him space, yet still want to maintain light contact for a while. He’s my best friend. I know, I know, focus on myself for a while. Go out and meet new people. Yeah, yeah. But, goddamnit, I don’t want anyone else. I just want him back. And where I’m living right now, there aren’t all that many people around. I know I should go to the gym, do something, but…I’m still in huddle-up-in apartment mode.

Right now, there’s no contact between us. I want to contact him so incredibly badly, but I know he needs space. I’m not sure how long I can wait for that or how long he might need to really start to miss me. We both agreed that we’d miss each other everyday for a long time, but, at the same time, who knows what he anticipates doing to figure himself out.

At least, I start a new job on Monday, but I was looking forward to telling him about my first day. Ugh :frowning:

This isn’t really me looking for advice, just getting stuff out there. I’m still in shock and alternating between crying and just staring at screens. Zero appetite for two days.

All I know to say is, I still love him and want happy him back.

2

Good luck to both of you. If it makes you feel any better, you aren’t the only one suffering the death of a romantic relationship. It’s so hard. Nothing anyone can say or do will make it any better, but regardless, you aren’t alone.

3

So tell us!

I’m sorry you’re hurting.

And seriously - tell us about your first day! :slight_smile:

4

Breaking up sucks.

5

Thanks for the support guys. I’ll try to post after my first day–always a good distraction.

I just miss him. Apologies for sounding like a broken record. And part of me is thinking he’ll have a ton of free time coming up, so my brain is getting my hopes up that it’ll give him more time to think and miss me and possibly come back sooner. Sigh.

6

I know your pain is real, BTEzra04 and I really empathise. The ending of a relationship is rarely a time we’d love to relive, and really, from what you say, I’d be treating this as a final break-up, rather than a break. Otherwise I think you will be reliving this.

Men who say they “need some space” or “want to sort shit out” are delivering the blow in the softest way they know how.

It may have been unexpected for you, but I don’t think it was for him. Guys usually think about breaking up for quite a while before they get the courage, or the opportunity, to actually do it.

Do yourself a favour: don’t expect him back. If it happens, great. If it doesn’t, you won’t feel doubly devastated.

Concentrate on your new job, be nice to yourself, and I’d like to end the boring advice you didn’t even want with a heartfelt hug and a reminder that the way you feel right now does get better.

7

God, last night sucked. Went to bed at 9, woke up at 1 AM with all the thoughts of how this doesn’t feel right and why were we so amazing together 2 weeks ago right up til Tuesday morning. Couldn’t fall back asleep til around 2:30 and only got maybe three more hours. I just can’t believe it. He’s my best friend and confidant, not just my SO.

I know, not the healthiest thinking, but I still want him back.

He was there for me two weeks ago when I lost my beloved doggie of 11 years and I couldn’t physically be there to say goodbye. He held me and comforted me and listened to all my misgivings about everything. He cheered me up when I was just feeling shitty about the future in general. We were supposed to travel together eventually. There’s just so much I can’t reconcile in my head :frowning:

Goddamn I want to contact him, but I also know it isn’t the best decision most likely.

8

I’m sorry.

Have ice-cream. Or just stay at home and howl. You can’t stay sad forever, but I think when it’s this fresh you need to give yourself time and space to just go “I’m fucking miserable!” The moving on stuff, it will come later. At this pointing fighting the sadness will just take energy, so just be miserable for a while - there’s no shame in that or other way you “ought to” be feeling.

Also, if you can go see a good friend, someone who is actually physically there. Though feel free to vent at us too. No problem.

9

I feel for you. Being dumped after four years is a major kick in the gut.

You may have answered your own question as to his timing:

[QUOTE=BTEzra04]
{snip} why were we so amazing together 2 weeks ago right up til Tuesday morning…

He was there for me two weeks ago when I lost my beloved doggie of 11 years and I couldn’t physically be there to say goodbye. {snip}
[/QUOTE]

He was probably close to telling you it was over, but was considerate enough of your feelings to wait until you’d recovered a bit from your grief at losing your dog.

I am concerned about one thing, though. You wrote, “…he just can’t see what an amazing person he is. He had incredible grades in college, but he’s just so hard on himself. I don’t know what to say, other than I’ve promised multiple times (even before this) that I’m here to support him.” Was he like that the entire time you and he were together, or did that start during the relationship?

10

The funny thing is, he was the one who wanted to extend our time together–before we knew about my dog, before I’d gotten down there, of course. He asked me a while back if we could just drive back to my place (a 9 hour drive from his) after his graduation. I’d originally booked a round-trip flight down there and just didn’t take the return leg. I delayed the start of my new job because he wanted some more time together, so it’s a little odd. The subject of breaking up didn’t come up until 5 days after we were back at my apartment.

To answer: he’s so hard on himself…well, this really only started roughly two years ago (about April/May 2011), that I recall. He’s had several issues happen that are family-related (deaths, stressful situations with relatives, etc.) I’m not sure if that has much to do with it, but, when we were discussing the problems with my dog in bed one night, he mentioned how he’s always trying to bury negative emotions and just wants to feel positive ones. I can’t imagine that it’s healthy to shove all of that away, you know?

11

Pint of Häagen-Dazs
Watch 500 days of Summer
Drink a lot of vodka
and then go to bed.

Trust me, I used to be a chick.

12

It isn’t healthy.

If his behavior changed after those issues two years ago, I’m wondering if he’s been struggling with depression or anxiety or something like that stemming from it. Has he seen a therapist or been evaluated for depression? I don’t know if that’s what’s going on here, but I thought I should ask.

It could also be that he was trying his very hardest to preserve the relationship and thought spending a lot of time together would fix things for him but discovered that it didn’t and genuinely needs a break from the relationship. Eta: or something else entirely. I’m not trying to tell you what’s definitely going on here, I just wanted to make it clear that there are definite other explanations besides depression and I’m not trying to convince you that’s definitely going on.

Either way, I know this must be awful for you, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really hope things work out for you, whether that means being with him again or not.

13

So you got an addadicktome?

14

Ha! Nobody knows that joke!

15

That’s the clearest time I can remember for the change in his emotions, yeah. And I agree with you–I feel like this could be an anxiety or depression-based thing; it’s something I have long-suspected, honestly. He’s shown so much negativity and belittles himself a lot when it comes to getting his academic work done. I.e.: “I can’t do this shit. I’ll just fail. With my luck I’ll get a 0, etc.”
ETA: I’ve begged him to discuss this with family, and he promised he would.

I’ve suspected, also, that he’s using a Master’s degree in order to put off getting his actual career started. He’s also beat himself up about not having ever co-oped or interned, a huge thing for his field. He’s seemed to make a lot of excuses against getting out in the real world, despite not exactly wanting to do the Master’s (“I have no choice. I can’t sublet, etc.”).

I also feel that he might be embarrassed by his lack of job experience compared to mine. I’ve had 9 jobs (including this upcoming one) since I was 17. 5 of those have been within my field, more or less. Of the three he’s basically had, the first was because he knew me, the second a grade-papers-for-a-professor one, and a research job.

16

You should accept that it’s over, because it probably is. I don’t say that to be mean; it’s just that being in limbo or hoping things will work out gives you momentary relief but ultimately prevents you from moving forward and healing. I went through it recently and it sucks. Hope you are well.

17

I was right where you are 6 months ago, god it was awful! He broke up with me very suddenly. We loved each other very much, and I’ve never been closer to anyone. Little of it had to do with me or the relationship, he was having severe issues with self-esteem and the direction of his life, and my love and support wasn’t enough to make him sure that he wanted to be with me, or with anyone.

I did not initiate contact at all, and didn’t let myself treat it as anything other than a final breakup. He started contacting me regularly, eventually (texts, email), and I barely responded. Didn’t see him even though he asked all the time, talk on the phone, etc. It was absolutely the right decision, it helped me move through loss and grieving much faster. Time and space after a breakup is absolutely the healthiest choice. You can’t control whether you will end up with him or move on and fall in love with someone else, so just focus on yourself right now.

18

I’m tempted to give it about two weeks of no contact or more, then possibly try to contact him. I’m hoping he’ll contact me before that, but I know I shouldn’t let those hopes get too high. The thing that keeps me hanging on here is that we specifically stated we still love each other.

So hard to think clearly. Sigh.

19

Me and my ex-girlfriend still love each other and have told each other as much and we haven’t been together in more than 6 years. Relationships die, it doesn’t mean the love between two people has to evaporate.

20

As hard as it is, stop looking at his number in your phone, or expecting at least an email and don’t make any plans to initiate contact.

For whatever reason, he left you. You may not understand his actions, but truly loving someone includes respecting the fact that they’ve made a decision - even if you don’t agree with it.

What if, in two or three weeks time, the communication you’ve geared yourself up for doesn’t achieve what you want? What if he sounds happier? You may misinterpret it as the break he needed to re-establish the relationship, and he may not want to do that at all. What if he sounds depressed? You may take that as confirmation that he’s better off being with you; and if that’s not what he wants, how will you feel then?

Love is just a four-letter word. It’s the actions that count. Holding someone to what they ‘specifically’ said, is a bit adolescent, really.