We broke up and it was awful

As mentioned in a previous thread, my boyfriend and I have been on the rocks for a while.

Well, we finally met up and after an uncomfortable date, we sat down to some drinks and laid out why it isn’t working. We basically agreed with each other, and figured it would be best to end things now. It was businesslike and firm.

Then, over the course of the night, we fell wildly in love with each other. We had a lot of fun, amazing sex, spilled secrets, reminisced about the times we had together, giggled under the covers and gazed tenderly and longingly into each other’s eyes…just an amazing time. I’ve never felt so strongly attracted to someone, and I think I can say he felt that way, too. We realized all at once how very real what we had is, and how badly we wanted to be with each other. But we also knew that it wasn’t working before, and without big changes we were just going to run into the same problems. We just couldn’t think of how to make it work.

In the morning, we dragged it out, smiling through the tears and holding each other’s hands under the breakfast table. When we had to really, really say goodbye…it was awful. just awful. He’s as devastated as I am. It’s not what either one of us wanted, and it’s a terrible waste. It was like something out of a bad movie- the rain falling, the tears, the words of encouragement, passionate kisses, the declarations of love…and then we went our separate ways.

Now I’m here, listening to the sound of the rain. I didn’t think it’d be so damn gut-wrenching, and I’m just not sure what to do with myself. What a stupid situation.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Sending supporting thoughts your way.

I’m so sorry, hon. It’s a horrible thing to get through, but you will manage it.

Aw, that sucks. I know you know it was for the best, but it doesn’t really make it easier!

What issues are getting in the way, if I may be so bold?

Man, I’m sorry to hear that.

There was no way he could change his emotional unavailability? It just seems so sad and unnecessary when you both are still so fond of each other =(

He is dealing with stuff related to his family, all very legit and very emotionally difficult. For a number of reasons, he’s not willing to share much of this with me. All I know is that it is genuinely tough on him. I wish I could have been there to support him, but we never knew how to make that trust happen. He has some long-delayed emotional work that he’s really only going to be able to do on his own.

We talked about scaling back my expectations, or scaling up his availability. But we know that is kind of in vain. Without real changes, we are just going to run into the same problems. I’m going to keep not being satisfied with what he can give me, and it’s not looking like he’s going to have a lighter burden any time soon. I’m going to keep expressing my dissatisfaction, he’s going to keep feeling bad and pulling away, and both of us will be mostly unhappy with the way things are most of the time. I think both of use desperately wanted to say “Let’s call this whole breakup off!” but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. We wouldn’t be able to make it work. At best we’d delay the inevitable as things degraded more and more.

I’m doing okay…reading funny website and eating junk food, shedding a few tears here and there. We didn’t spend a ton of time together, so it won’t be a radical change in my life, but it’ll be tough when I start saying “Oh, I can’t wait to tell Dude this…wait…awwww…” I’ve been prepared for this, but I wasn’t prepared for how actually heartbreaking the process itself would be. sigh

I’m so sorry.

Very sorry … but on the plus side, either you have the makings of a Lifetime movie script, or perhaps in the future you can be one of those couples that gets one of those little cute filler stories about long lost lovers that meet at the age of 80 and marry …

Good luck during desensitization, the part of breaking up that sucks =(


That’s horrible. I admit that I’m somewhat confused - it sounds like you’re mad for each other so I guess I don’t understand why you can’t make it work. Personally, I’m putting the blame on him because being ‘emotionally unavailable’ always strikes me as being emotionally manipulative.

Regardless, I’m sorry this is happening. I hope you are able to find comfort in your fond memories and move forward. As sucky as you feel right now, it will pass.

even sven, I’m just so sorry you have to be going through this!

The most painful part for me, too, was not having that person to share some strange text or email with, knowing that they’d get it and laugh too.

It took a year to get over her. I didn’t think I would, but I have now and I feel great. We were so alike, but so far apart that it would never have lasted, even if we both wanted it to.

So, hope things get better even sven.

I went through a similar breakup. We loved each other very much, but certain touble spots just weren’t fixable. We lived together and actually decided to go our separate ways when our lease ended. It was like the relationship had an expiration date. The last couple of weeks were super emotionally charged. So weird. So hard.

We remained in touch for a while, but it was awkward and painful. I told him I would love him forever and at the time I wasn’t sure if that was realistic. Years later, I still think of him often and fondly. I do still love him. But there’s not an inkling of hurt or longing or what-if-iness. I’m grateful for the whole experience.

I hope that you both find peace in this decision and that you lead happy lives in healthy relationsips with new loves with no regrets and no hard feelings for each other.

That sort of strikes a chord with me, too - he’s emotionally unavailable, or he’s emotionally unavailable to you? Regardless, if he isn’t willing to step up and be the man you need and deserve, then it wouldn’t work and it is better if you both realize it. You can’t force a fit with another human being.


I too have been through a breakup similar to this. My college girlfriend and I dated for over 5 years, but she in no way wanted children, and that was a dealbreaker for me. We spent the last two years of our relationship hoping one of us would change our minds, and gradually grew apart. Well, we finally broke up, shortly before I was to leave for my Army Officer Basic Course. Well, we saw each other a few times shortly thereafter, had the best sex we’d had in 3 years, had really tender moments and such, but still knew that it would never work. We could have had a great marriage…for about 5 years…and then we’d have gotten a divorce.

It sucked for a while. I know how you feel, and I’m sorry. But, it was the best decision we ever made. I started dating my wife about 5 months later, and we’ve now been married 7.5 years and have a wonderful daughter. My ex didn’t find someone as fast, but after going through another semi-long relationship with a real tool, eventually found the love of her life, and has now been married about 4 years.

Keep your chin up! It’s tough, but it’ll be for the best in the long run.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How long were you together?

We were together a fast, intense six months.

I’ve given this some thought, and in all honesty I don’t think that’s what it is. He was one of those kids who was forced to grow up way too fast, without reliable love and protection from his parents. Now the family issues he is dealing with are life-and-death, and he only knows how to take responsibility and sacrifice himself to keep everything from falling apart completely. The journey he is facing will take him to another continent, and will dredge up skeletons that are decades old. It’s going to be tough for him.

I think he needs to go back, to learn to forgive, to figure out who he is in context of parts of his life that were interrupted, and to get some closure. Maybe then he can live for himself.

Despite all this, for the first time in his life he learned to love and (even harder) to be loved, but he just couldn’t make it work. He was absolutely, visibly devastated by this whole thing. I have never seen someone so wounded. It was utterly heartbreaking.

I wish it was different. I hope we both got stronger, and more adventurous.

Fair enough - so he’s basically emotionally unavailable to everyone. It really is too bad that he isn’t at a stage in his life where he can easily love and be loved.

What a difficult and confusing time for you, sven. Take care of yourself.

I somewhat understand, even sven, what you’re going through. Good luck with it.

My story: My previous GF & I were together a fast, intense two months. We broke up because of irreconcilable mindsets on religion, and we were right to do so. It took me 11 1/2 months to get over her, and I still have occasional moments of relapse. That said, I consider my time with her as one of my major breakthroughs, and as a major part of my growth to where I could hit it off with the woman I am marrying in 3 months 12 days (and counting!).

Again, good luck and take care of yourself through this rough time.