i'm the bad guy...

so i broke up with my boyfriend last night. well, i’ve been slowly breaking up with him over the past few weeks, but last night, i had a moment of truth and realized that i was being unfair, and while it would probably hurt him a bit to hear the truth (that i wasn’t wanting this relationship anymore), it was a better alternative than continuing to pretend things might get better. it was a relatively short realtionsip (a little over three months) but one of the longer ones i have managed to be a part of in the past couple of years. :o

he was pretty pissed. he wanted things to work out. but the fact of the matter is, i wasn’t attracted to him anymore. how does that happen? can someone explain how someone can be seemingly in love with someone, then, essentially, all of the sudden be practically repulsed by the thought of being naked with that same someone? i can’t figure it out. i never used to be this person; somewhere along the line, my standards shot up sky high, and while i don’t think i should “settle” or anything, i do wish i could learn to be more tolerable of boyfriend-type people.

i’m hopeless…:smack:

does anyone have any suggestions on how to make this an easier transition? how i can sort of sweeten the sour, so as to remain in a workable relationship with this man? he really is a fantastic person, and i do enjoy his company, and we did make all sorts of fun plans for this summer, which i think would be really fun to go through with–am i being unrealistic? do i just need to let it go? let him go?

Rip that ol’ bandaid off. You’re not doing him (or yourself) any favours by continuing a relationship you’ve lost interest in. Let him go, and don’t try to remain friends - this is a cheat that, in my opinion, rarely works.

By the way, I don’t think you’re the bad guy. If you’re not interested, you would be the bad guy by leading him on.

In my experience (limited AND YMMV), a ‘workable relationship’ immediately following the breakup is unlikely - particularly if he didn’t expect the breakup when it happened. Friendship may come later, after he’s had a chance to get over the hurt. Again, this depends on him and on you, and how whether each of you is able to handle spending time together even though you’re not together.

As for how you can go from loving someone to being repulsed by them…I don’t know why it happens, only that it can happen. I still ‘love’ my first boyfriend, but the fact remains that I wouldn’t want to sleep with him again because I stopped liking him as a person and who I was when I was around him. In that way, I am no longer attracted to him physically (though repulsed would be too strong a word).

I have no real explanation for the sudden turn-around. I’ve only experienced it from the outside. If you figure it out, let me know. I was originally thinking it was a simple case of infatuation being mistaken for love, and then wearing off. But, that wouldn’t explain the negative feelings, unless those feelings were really anger/disgust at yourself for “falling for” this guy. When you realized it wasn’t real, you may have turned those feelings around, so they were focused on him. Displaced feelings are a common human defence mechanism, so it wouldn’t surprise me, but I don’t know. Maybe, I’m just displacing my feelings onto you.

As for sweetening the sour, IMO, you can’t. If you have any feelings for this guy, or any self respect, just let it go. Maybe, in time, he’ll be interested in being friends but, right now, he just needs to lick his wounds and heal. Continued contact with you would just keep those wounds from healing.

yeah, good point. i guess i just wait for him to make the first move…

This is my favorite story for times like this:

An elderly lady’s husband died. Their adult children lived in other states, and were concerned that she’d be lonely, so they bought her a Boxer puppy to keep her company.

Oh, she LOVED the puppy and took it to show her friends. “You’re going to have to have its ears cropped and the tail docked!” they said. “Oh, no, I love this puppy, and could NEVER do that!” she cried.

But, they persisted, so she took the puppy to the vet. She couldn’t bring herself to have the ears cropped (a vile practice), so with tears in her eyes she told the vet, “My friends say I have to have my puppy’s tail docked, but I love this puppy SO MUCH that I only want you to cut off 1/4 inch at a time so it doesn’t hurt so much!”

Good story, SouthernSky

And yeah, I think in this case, rip that band-aid off. Being on the other end of things, I’d have given a lot for the object of my affection to have just said ‘This isn’t going to work’ rather than letting things just drag on.

well I don’t know if I’d do that either…after all there are pride issues about making an ovature to someone who dumped you. Give him time to hate you (and he will…failing to love someone who loves you is the cruellest most evil and inhumane thinga person can do to another person. You realize of course I’m talking on an emotional, completely irrational level. On a rational level, you did the best, kindest thing. But back on the emotional plain, he needs to hate for a while) and then give him some opening to get back in touch.

For me it’s usually after they’ve gained a lot of weight, started acting annoying or if the sex gets boring.

Um…yeah…guess what? Assuming that this guy has any type of spine, all those stupid plans he made with you like going to musicals or bed-n-breakfast weekends or whatever are going to either be with his next girlfriend or replaced by football games or trips to Vegas with his buddies. Forget trying to have some kind of bizarre Sex in the City / Rachel and Ross /Julia Roberts movie on again/off again friendship sex thing.

This guy doesn’t do it for you anymore so lets both of you go find someone else.

No it’s not. Pretending you share that person’s feelings is.

i see your point, mssmith, but just for the record, they weren’t stupid plans, nor were they all my idea, and they certainly weren’t girly crappy things like musicals! for example, we have tickets for the big, four day bluegrass festival in telluride this summer, as well as season passes to the six flags elitch gardens in denver. bed and breakfast weekends make me wanna puke. we were football buddies for months before things turned romantic–we were friends almost longer than we were romantically involved. and i dont’ want an on again/off again sex thing–the sex was not all that. that is, in fact, a reason why i’m not really too into the romantic aspect of this relationship. ya gotta wow me in bed if i’m gonna stick around.

Regardless of the lack of sentimentality in msmith’s post, he makes a good point - it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Your ex is going to want to move on, and you will have to as well, if you want to break up with him. Yes, having a relationship and breaking up does mean losing friends sometimes; that’s just the way life is.

:rolleyes: I said, on the irrational emotional plain. I.e., how it feels to the other person at the time. Then I said happy did the best, kindess thing.

Sniff Not reading someones whole post is the cruelest, most evil and inhumane thing one peoson can do to another.:frowning:
:smiley:

lol!

I was just throwing out examples of stuff. The point remains the same. Now this is all IMHO, based on my personal experience of course, but until both of you get comfortable with the new rules of your post-breakup relationship (which may include never seeing each other again), you shouldn’t be planning anything together.
Sorry if I seem blunt but…well you know.

A great man once said: Sometimes ther just isn’t a Love Connection.

Okay, so he isn’t that great. But he did manage to always come back in two-and-two.

Are musicals inherently stupid?

I just have to chime in here - I agree fully, that if you initiated the break-up, and he didn’t really see it coming, trying to be friends right away will not work. He’ll probably think there’s still a chance you’ll change your mind, so he’ll never really get over you, and this will lead to ugly things in the future. Maybe he’ll just suffer alone, pretending your frendship is going great while secretly harboring resentment or hurt or whatever, or maybe he’ll turn into psycho stalker when he realizes you have no intention of getting back into his bed, who knows :smiley:

I’ve been in his shoes with an ex that really wanted to be friends (hell, I even went to my senior prom with her against my better judgement after she dumped me - stupid me) - luckily I was eventually smart enough to have “dumped” her friendship a few weeks after she “dumped” our relationship, as opposed to following the other routes! It was a sucky relationship and friendship anyway, so I have no regrets (of course it was a long time ago too).

IMO, it’s better to do the hard thing now and have it be done with, period. If the friendship works out in the future, great, but that’s really in his court, not yours. I know this is a hard thing to accept, since you really want to keep his friendship, but that’s why “breaking up is hard to do” or whatever the song says :wink: Cut him loose, you’ll be the bigger person for it.

Good luck (and nice sig)!

Yes.

Yes they are.

I’ve been in your shoes – sometimes it went well, sometimes not so well. It really depends on the other person. My suggestion:

  1. Remain firm that you won’t be dating again. If they want to “remain friends”, their intentions may be to sneak back into that boyfriend mode. State that is not an option. Repeat whenever neccessary.

  2. If they are clearly more broken up about this than you are, let them dictate the future rules of engagement. If they cannot bear to see or hear from you, honor that.

Likewise, if they want to try being friends, remember Rule #1 (above) and give them the support they need. I do agree with the other sentiments that say that the quick band-aid rip is better than drawing it out, but we’re all adults: ultimately you are NOT resonsible for their feelings. THEY are responsible for their feelings. If they want to put themselves through a slow torture, that’s their perogative.

Why do girls want to be “friends” anyway? To have someone else to prattle on about shoes and purses with? Odds are she won’t make a very good wingman when I go out trying to score.

In fact, there is nothing worse than going out drinking and bringing girls along who are platonic “friends” (girls you have no chance of hooking up with). They scare away other available girls. They judge every girl you talk to. You have to take on a stupid “big-brother” role where you have to try to figure out which slobering idiot they want you to protect them from. They make you go to the stupid preppy bars with the plain-Jane prudish B-school girls instead of the meat-markets with the hot girls looking to party. Who needs that headache?

Best to make a clean break. When my high school ex asked me to take her to the prom or get together for New Years, I politely said “I’ll have to see what’s going on” (read “no”). When my current girlfriend and I took a “break” and she wanted me to meet her friends for drinks, I also firmly told her “I think I might already have plans with the guys” (IOW “no”). Sorry, but I am not an “extra guy” you can call when you feel lonely.