so i broke up with my boyfriend last night. well, i’ve been slowly breaking up with him over the past few weeks, but last night, i had a moment of truth and realized that i was being unfair, and while it would probably hurt him a bit to hear the truth (that i wasn’t wanting this relationship anymore), it was a better alternative than continuing to pretend things might get better.
There’s a little quote I found on the 'net a while back, and I’ve remembered it because it summed up male/female relationships so well…
“Dean’s Rule #45: The truth hurts for a moment. A lie hurts for a long time.”
You did exactly the right thing by cutting it off quickly and cleanly. Letting it linger hurts so much it’s not even funny. As a guy I would FAR rather be quickly and cleanly dumped by a girl who doesn’t like me any more, than have a slow, painful breakup. Neither is a pleasant option, but SouthernSky’s story about the puppy is right on. All at once, one pain, then you recover… or over and over again, pain after pain after pain, getting worse each time because you know exactly what’s coming. There is no way to avoid the pain - there is only a choice between making it quick or making it lingering.
he was pretty pissed. he wanted things to work out. but the fact of the matter is, i wasn’t attracted to him anymore. how does that happen? can someone explain how someone can be seemingly in love with someone, then, essentially, all of the sudden be practically repulsed by the thought of being naked with that same someone? i can’t figure it out.
Attraction, particularly sexual attraction, is not rational. Really. It’s controlled by some deep part of your brain. The worst thing is though, that part of your brain doesn’t learn, doesn’t grow, and doesn’t rewire itself. Whatever it is that you enjoy or consider attractive, it’s NOT going to change. So if there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s that you must know yourself well enough to know what kind of guys you like, and not go out with ones that don’t peg you in the brainstem. The same advice goes for guys as well, naturally. Can’t have a long lasting relationship with a girl you’re not attracted to.
i never used to be this person; somewhere along the line, my standards shot up sky high, and while i don’t think i should “settle” or anything, i do wish i could learn to be more tolerable of boyfriend-type people.
If I may make an observation, it occurs to me that possibly you’re the kind of person who gets into relationships because it seems like a good thing at the spur of the moment. Or maybe you feel like you have some social obligation to have a boyfriend, like maybe you’re a loser or unattractive if you don’t. The big problem with that attitude is that it tends to make people get into relationships just for the sake of being able to consider themselves in a relationship. Not a very good way to build long-lasting, stable relationships. You should only get into a relationship because you really want to and it feels good and right. And you should only stay for the same reasons.
Some of this is experience. You don’t sound inexperienced, but maybe you are. Maybe things will get easier as they happen more and you can see patterns happen over and over in your relationships. Or maybe not. It’s a very difficult thing.
does anyone have any suggestions on how to make this an easier transition? how i can sort of sweeten the sour, so as to remain in a workable relationship with this man? he really is a fantastic person, and i do enjoy his company, and we did make all sorts of fun plans for this summer, which i think would be really fun to go through with–am i being unrealistic? do i just need to let it go? let him go?
Here we see the major contrasts between guy emotional logic and girl emotional logic…
Okay, first, you can not do anything to make it easier for him. Any contact he has with you for at least a couple of months post-breakup can only bring him pain and make his emotional healing harder. I know this doesn’t make sense to female logic. Usually when people don’t talk to each other, it’s because they’re mad at each other and trying to punish the other person by cutting off communication. The guy may or may not be mad at you - that varies by guy and by breakup. And some guys recover faster than others. But regardless, he needs some amount time away from you to deal with his feelings. Any contact he has with you is salt rubbed in fresh wounds. It will only make things worse. It’s not going to be easy for you to give him the time and space he needs, but try and bear with it…
As for the whole can we still be friends thing, you need to understand what that feels like from a guy’s emotional perspective. Let’s give my favorite example here…
Suppose you met a guy, you really liked him, you summoned up the guts to ask him out, and you went out and you had a great time. You really wanted this guy to be your boyfriend, you’re great together, etc. So you ask him about being your boyfriend and he sorta shrugs and says, “Well, I don’t think you’re that attractive, and I don’t like you that much, and I’d rather not be seen in public with you… but if you want, we can still fuck once in a while.”
THAT is what “just friends” feels like to a guy. Seriously. To girl emotional logic, offering to be friends is a good thing to do - you’re showing that you’re not mad at them, don’t hate them, think they’re a good person, etc. But to guy emotional logic, a girl that you like offering to be friends is like her saying, “Hey, I know you’re heartbroken right now, but how would you like it if we still hung out all the time and had fun and you can be constantly reminded of what you’ll never have and thus get repeatedly stabbed in the heart? Doesn’t that sound good?” This is why guys sometimes react angrily to the offer of “just friends” post breakup.
On a more personal and bitter note, I think that maybe sometimes women offer “still friends” after a breakup to try and soothe their consciences. Like, “well, I’m trying to be a good person, and I’m trying to stay friends, so I’m not being a bad person. I didn’t do anything wrong.” This seems a bit cheap to me, though I can’t explain exactly why. Perhaps in guy logic it seems you’re implying that he’s so emotionally weak that he can’t go on without you. Which is a double-whammy since he’s probably hurting pretty bad and thus actually tempted - making the implication somewhat accurate. After all, truth does hurt.
As for the summer plans, if he really does still want to be friends with you after he heals, those things may still happen. But don’t hang your hopes on it. It could go either way. It’s a complete coin flip. And even if he can recover to that extent, it may take him a while. Try not to pour salt on his wounds in the mean time as he’s trying to heal.
I don’t know. I started this post with the full intention of praising you for doing the exact right thing. My mood seems to have degenerated as I’ve written it to the point where I’m almost casting you in a negative light now. It’s no big surprise I guess, as I’m getting over a breakup myself, and thus projecting onto you some of my feelings for the girl in question. So don’t take everything here too seriously. Very truly and honestly: you did the right thing. You really did. There is no better thing you could have done. You did the stand-up thing, and the thing that will cause the least pain. There was no better path to take. Good on ya!
-Ben
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just kidding. But it is exactly what I was trying to say in my post above, and perfect for the situation.