Breaking Up is hard to do

The girl that I love more than anything else in the world has decided that after graduation, she doesn’t want to date me, so she broke up with me on Tuesday. We still do friend things, but not real dates, and no hanky panky.

Last night, we talked for a few hours, and went out for coffee. It was just like before, and I swear I noticed a couple of times that look in her eyes that she got when she used to say “I love you”. But she says she doesn’t love me like I love her, and that it wouldn’t be fair to me to go on, and wouldn’t be fair to her to have that pressure.

We came back to the dorm, and went up to her room and talked some more, and we both wanted to invite me to stay the night, but she didn’t, and i didn’t. We cried, I walked back to my room, where we talked some more via AIM.

We discussed whether she was making the right decision, and I became irrational. It occurred to me that either this was happening because of the reasons she gave, or else she does love me like I love her, and she’s just afraid of it. My theory seemed to fit a lot better with the facts. I begged her to really look at what she feels, and she sticks to her guns.

So I guess she must be right. I guess she doesn’t love me enough to explore it after college. But i can’t believe it. The world just can’t be that way. I’m going crazy because I just can’t process it. I cried when I went to sleep. and I cried when I woke up. It just can’t be this way, not after I saw that “i love you” look in her eyes just last night.

I can’t cope. last night i even mostly convinced myself that it was a big surreal dream. I even tried to force myself awake (which usually works in my dreams). It didn’t work.

So, here we are. I believe that she loves me, but can’t face it because of the implications. (She’s going to go to a lab technician job, and then grad school. She’s always thought she’d have to become independent before she could have a possible forever relationship). But I’m going to let her go anyway, because I would do absolutely anything for her.

I’m going nuts. So if any of you Houston dopers see me tomorrow, and I burst into tears, or inappropriate laughter, or I’m just out of my body for a bit, you’ll know why.

Sorry for the long post.

You know, I saw the title of the thread, and I saw your name, and I was expecting something a little more ridiculous.

I’ve been there before (haven’t we all), and here’s what I do. I go and buy a new CD. Not a bullshit one either. Something really good and meaningful, like Dylan or Counting Crows (either “August and Everything After” or “Recovering the Sattelites” by CC are extremely effective in this situation). Then I sit and listen to it constantly. If it’s a good one, and I can relate to it, I feel better. Then I watch “Swingers.” This is very important. It should be called “Requiem for the Dumped.” But that’s just me.

The IQ of a group is equal to the IQ of the dumbest member divided by the number of people in the group.

Am I dumped? is that what this is?
I’ve always associated that word with a violent, ugly sort of ending. This was neither.
I don’t even want to “get over it” yet.

TheNerd, as painful as I know it is, I am terribly afraid that, yes, you are dumped.
And as much as you still like her, and think she still likes you, the honest-to-god best thing to do is to make a clean break of it.
In my experience, it’s better to allow a relationship, however long-lived and valued, a quick and decent death, than to agonizingly draw out the ending.
Spending long nights crying together, and doing “friend things” together is more likely to lead to ugly scenes and hard feelings in the future than simply backing off, and wishing each other sucess on your seperate paths.

I am sorry that you are hurting, break ups are painful, especially when deep feelings are involved.

I am going to give you some advice that you may not want to hear. For your sake and hers, you need to listen to what she is telling you. As hard as it is you need to accept that she no longer wants the type of relationship you have had in the past. You should also understand that she is probably feeling pretty shitty too.

I had been in a relationship for almost a year until I ended it in December. I started having doubts about our relationship last summer but every time I would mention it to him, he would get depressed and cry and beg me not to break up with him. Out of guilt I didn’t.

Ten years ago I became engaged to the only man I have felt absolute, unconditional love. No one has ever come close to making me feel the way that he does, not even my ex-husband. He was transferred to Alaska with the military 8 years ago and we carried on a monogamous long distance relationship for a few more years. Due to my job, my home, and the fact that my ex husband would have fought me had I tried to move my kids 2500 miles away, I stayed here and waited for him to return. We traveled back and forth a few times each year and talked on the phone daily.

Shit happens and we decided that we should date others. He retired from the military and landed a wonderful job in Anchorage. Still, we remained very good friends and the love never went away. We still made visits 4 or 5 times each year, even when we were involved with others.

This last summer we began talking about how much we miss one another. How neither one of us has ever found anyone who makes us feel the way we did when we were together. Things have always felt so right and comfortable and natural when we are together.

The more we talked, the more we decided that we have been apart for much too long and it is time to live the rest of our lives together. He put his house up for sale and put in papers to transfer his job position down here. Everyone who knows us are giving us tons of support and asking what the hell took us so long. They all can see how things are between the two of us. I am flying up in February to spend a few weeks with him.

It is the feelings I have for this man that finally gave me enough balls to break up with Chris for good. Although I know that it was something that had to be done. It would be totally unfair for any of us had I prolonged the breakup with Chris just to avoid his tears and late night calls begging me to reconsider.

As hard as it is to understand, I feel so much worse being the one who breaks up with a wonderful person. It was something that had to be done, but it hurts like hell to know that you cause someone else that much pain.

What I am trying to say in all of this rambling, is that you need to really listen to what she is telling you. You need to accept it no matter how hard. You have got to stop seeing things that may or may not be there. Let her know you are hurt, but don’t beg her to come back. She no longer wants to be in a relationship, if you get her back the odds are that it will only last until she works up the nerve to break up again.

It’s better to begin the healing now instead of dragging out the pain a few months longer with hopes of reconciliation.

Fluff yer hair Beula, I’s feelin frisky - M.S.

Wow Diane…sorry about your breakup…but I’m happy that you and your love will finally be together. That is great. TheNerd, you need to heed Diane’s advice. Your girlfriend is also out there in unfamilar territory. She is floundering as much as you are and her hurt is probably just as strong. Don’t mistake her “looks”. She probably does still love you but not the way that you need her to. She’s been honest. I know that you are in a world of hurt here and nothing will make it feel better but time. I wish you luck guy.

“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda

I’m not stupid. I’m not begging her to come back, and I’m not going to. What I am doing is trying to be as absolutely sure that she knows why we are doing this as possible. Because if it’s wrong, it will be the biggest mistake of both our lives.

I fear and hope for something like Diane’s story. She’s figuratively going to alaska (in reality, Atlanta). I fear that shit will happen, and one or both of us will end up in another relationship, when we really need each other. I hope that in a few years, she’ll realise what she gave up, and we can get back together.

I don’t expect it to happen though.

I’m a romantic, and right now, I’m a not-so-rational one. But I know what must be done.

Oh sweetheart, I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. But Diane and everyone here has given you some very good advice. Listen to what she is telling you. There are so many differnt levels of love. You can love someone and date them for a very long time, but dating and marriage are two very different things. I believe there is such a thing as soulmates. People that no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the challenges, know and feel they have found a person to spend the rest of their life with. Without any doubt. And that is what marriage is(or should be). Trust her when she tells you that this is not how she feels. It certainly does not make you unlovable or mean that you are not worthy of her love, it just means it’s not the one. You will find it, and you will be happy.
Just for the record, I am 29 yrs old and have never been married, though I have been asked 5 times. They were not it. Fantastic guys, super to my kids, but not the one. I have been in the unfortunate situation your friend is in of hurting wonderful wonderful men. It is no picnic on her end either. Let her go. Go on with your life, trust me when I tell you that when you find your one true love you will both know it with every ounce of your being. Best of luck to you. xoxo

Always be ready to speak your mind and a base man will avoid you.
-William Blake

I hate to sound cruel, but I agree with Lucretia. Sometimes a clean cut is the best. I had a relationship much like yours and your girlfriend’s, and I was drifting because I, like her, had no idea what I wanted, so I just decided to not talk to him as much, and if I did, I’d just be friendly. It is weird though. It can never be the same again.


All is well with Saturn…

Sorry to hear your sad news. You just never know, in the future you may think this was the best thing that could have happened. Or, she may rethink things and all could be well. Its nice that the two of you can still talk at least.

I’ve been unceremoniously dumped for another person and believe me its not a fun thing. I feel for ya.

We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another

{{{long hug}}}

I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re in right now. Yeah, nothing hurts like it, nothing at all. You’re being a lot wiser, kind and mature about it than I would have been at that age, BTW. But the feelings are never neatly manageable or easy, ever.

There is a possibility your girlfriend is somewhat overwhelmed over graduation and facing that huge hurdle of “real life”. It’s pretty traumatic time. I’m purely guessing right now, but she may be so focussed in on “what do I do next?” and “what is it I was planning to be?” and “how do I get there?” that she’s in emotional overload.

Sad to say, I have agree with those who advise that you make it a clean break. Not because of the sex, but most emphatically because of the feelings. (I know; you only used the sexual aspect to illustrate the depth of feeling.)

But no matter why she made her choice, she did. Trying to “just be friends” won’t work. It would be viciously painful for you, and ultimately uncomfortable for her. Please take my advice with a whole shaker of salt, but trying to find a neutral half-solution won’t work. Your pain and her guilt won’t allow it.

If I can say, trying for the “half a loaf” position is unfair to you–and her. She made a decision, and her decision affected your heart as well as hers. She needs to learn that her decision carries consequences. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if she said no–then you have an obligation to yourself to go on and find peace.

All the best to you.


Hey dude
I myself just lost my girlfriend recently, and then I saw the I Love You look when I went home for break. But you know what, every day gets better. The first weekend after we broke up, I hit the bars, met girls, thought about her, never thought I wouldn’t. But then over break I met Jenny, and we had two good dates, and the thing I realized, is that the painful feeling in my heart was gone. It comes back every now and then, as it should when you lose a girl you really love(d). I ended up without Jenny, but she let me realize that I CAN get over it, and not only that, should get over it. I would love nothing more than to have Tricia back, but I know that’s not possible. So what am I gonna do today, I’m gonna call the girl I met at the Top last night, and ask her if she would like to watch a movie tonight. Life goes on, and it may even be a blessing in disguise. The cup’s half-full, man, drink it.

View every exit as an entrance someplace else

Well, she has finally responded to last night. She sent me email (much easier than face to face, especially for this) saying that things just got more strict. She doesn’t want to do the friend thing anymore. She doesn’t want to just talk. We can be friendly in a social setting, but not just between us.
I don’t blame her. I must have been pretty scary last night, clinging like a drowning man to a sinking ship.

psycat mentioned finding the one, and just knowing it. evidently, that’s a necessary, but not sufficient condition. I found her. I knew that i had to try to spend the rest of my life with her. And it didn’t work. She’s not ready to spend the rest of her life with anyone. For her sake, I hope that eventually changes, even if I never enter the picture again.

Thank you all for the support. I’m going to live. It’s going to hurt like hell, and maybe not all of me will make it. But i’ll go on.

I’m not going to go out partying and dating. Despite the stupidity of it, I’m waiting. Not looking for another, not looking to get back with her. Just waiting to see if she is right.

And when love bites me on the ass, I’ll try not to ignore it, just because of this.

You’re right, it is going to hurt like hell, prolly will for a while too. However, you WILL make it - ALL of you! Trust me.

Before long a week will have pasted, then a month, then a year, and you will barely remember the pain.

It’s all part of life. You just have to roll with the punches sometimes and as cliche as it sounds, time really does heal.

Hang in there. :slight_smile:

Fluff yer hair Beula, I’s feelin frisky - M.S.

The above posters were right, IMHO. Lingering agony is worse than a clean break.

It’s going to suck real bad for a while. Time is the only cure, but hanging around with friends helps.

Good luck, dude.

Hey pal,

Sorry to hear the news. All respondents so far are on track.

I had a similar experience approaching the end of college. That is a hinge point in people’s lives and a not uncommon time, as I later realized, for SO relationships to get axed. My girlfriend of the time (3 years, since our sophomore year) waited until after my last final - I’ll give her that. Then I continued to take any opportunity that she’d allow to see her and was, frankly, quite a bit fucked up for at least a year.

And the longer you avoid the clean break, the longer it is before the gettin’ better starts. Perhaps y’all’s paths will cross again, but right now you both need separation.

I almost avoided posting on this thread because my method of expression is not quite up to some of our other posters when personal advice is called for. That said, please feel welcome if you can make it tomorrow. If you get a beer in you and get a little teary…screw it! So what! Everybody I know has been there, myself included. Big time. And making new acquaintance is part of moving ahead.