The girl that I love more than anything else in the world has decided that after graduation, she doesn’t want to date me, so she broke up with me on Tuesday. We still do friend things, but not real dates, and no hanky panky.
Last night, we talked for a few hours, and went out for coffee. It was just like before, and I swear I noticed a couple of times that look in her eyes that she got when she used to say “I love you”. But she says she doesn’t love me like I love her, and that it wouldn’t be fair to me to go on, and wouldn’t be fair to her to have that pressure.
We came back to the dorm, and went up to her room and talked some more, and we both wanted to invite me to stay the night, but she didn’t, and i didn’t. We cried, I walked back to my room, where we talked some more via AIM.
We discussed whether she was making the right decision, and I became irrational. It occurred to me that either this was happening because of the reasons she gave, or else she does love me like I love her, and she’s just afraid of it. My theory seemed to fit a lot better with the facts. I begged her to really look at what she feels, and she sticks to her guns.
So I guess she must be right. I guess she doesn’t love me enough to explore it after college. But i can’t believe it. The world just can’t be that way. I’m going crazy because I just can’t process it. I cried when I went to sleep. and I cried when I woke up. It just can’t be this way, not after I saw that “i love you” look in her eyes just last night.
I can’t cope. last night i even mostly convinced myself that it was a big surreal dream. I even tried to force myself awake (which usually works in my dreams). It didn’t work.
So, here we are. I believe that she loves me, but can’t face it because of the implications. (She’s going to go to a lab technician job, and then grad school. She’s always thought she’d have to become independent before she could have a possible forever relationship). But I’m going to let her go anyway, because I would do absolutely anything for her.
I’m going nuts. So if any of you Houston dopers see me tomorrow, and I burst into tears, or inappropriate laughter, or I’m just out of my body for a bit, you’ll know why.
Sorry for the long post.