Well, to summarize everything, I introduced my gf to a friend of mine… At the beginning they started to talk a lot and I didn’t like it. She would answer his text messages while being with me and my family, even with her family. I told her that I didn’t like it, that he can’t be her center of attention when she was with me… Anyway, shit happens and I thought my “friend” was into her, so I asked her if she could stop talking to him (big mistake, my bad, I know).
Later on, like 4 months later, the topic came back and I thought that maybe I was wrong and told her that I was really okay if she wanted to talk to him, but I asked her to put some boundaries such as not talking 24/7 and respect my presence and presence of my family. In one month, many things happened and she couldn’t stop a single second talking to him. They texted through the phone as soon as they woke up and til they fell asleep. I obviously told her that I didn’t like it. My “friend” was there when she wanted him to be. We as couple had troubles and she would go to him
to ask for advice and tell him our problems. We reached a point that she would lie or hide stuff to me (concerning him) and I felt she had changed… I wasn’t wrong, she was different and one week later she told me that she had a crush on him during those confusing moments of weakness while we had trouble. After that I’m not blind to see that my “friend” was trying to do something so I told her to back him off. She was going to, but she doesn’t want to. Instead, she talked to him asking what they should do… If back off, or nothing, or just disappear. They talked once in person and she cried on his shoulders… Telling him that she doesn’t want him to back off but it would be the best for the relationship… However, my “friend” is like “don’t cry for me, I’m not worth it, fight for your relationship, I don’t wanna you guys to break up, etc” and she tells me that she just sees him as a really good friend which would spend hours straigh talking to.
I’m confused and don’t know what to do. The reason I think she doesn’t want him to back off is because she still has feelings for him but I’m not sure about it.
She has told me that she choose our relationship over the crush. But she keeps acting that way… What would you say? Do?
Relationships do not have to have so much drama. I know some of us there are quick to say “break up and move on,” but if your asking for advice, that’s mine
Looking back on a lifetime of breakups, I note that, in retrospect, sometime I hung on too long trying to work things out, and sometimes I bailed too quick and probably should have tried harder. Sticking around too long was much more of a mistake in every case.
There are issues in even the best relationships that require understanding, patience and compromise. There is, however, IMO, no hope for a couple like the one described in the OP.
If you spend any time here, you’ll find that the consensus in situations like yours is usually to end a struggling relationship and move on. Personally, I think that is sound advice in most cases. One of the things I see people do time after time is make themselves miserable trying to make a dysfunctional relationship work. They hold on and on and on, hoping the object of their affection will grow up or finally come to recognize how special their partner is or give up the other person that they’re in love/lust/like with.
I have to say that I’m not impressed with the behavior of either your girlfriend or your “friend.” He is not acting like much of a friend to you. He is acting like he has designs on your girl and is trying, for whatever reason, to play both sides of the fence. I’m also suspicious of your girl saying “oh, I just really like him as a friend!” while ignoring your requests to tone down the contact and then lying to you about. Lying to your partner in a relationship is not a good thing. This does not bode well for your future together.
You sound like your pretty young (early 20s, maybe?). Unless you live in a tiny village in the far north of Alaska and have no other genuine, possible choices in girlfriends, I suggest you cut her loose. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her that it appears that she has some confusion about which relationship she wants to be in and with whom and that, for both your sakes, you’re releasing her from any restrictions so she can go figure that out.
It is healthy for people to have friends outside of their relationships. But when a friendship impinges sinificantly on one partner or another, it’s time to reassess the value of both the friendship and the relationship. You’ve asked her to tone down on the contact with your friend. I suspect your friend knows all about the stress he’s causing because your girl has undoubtedly told him. Neither one of them are even pretending to respect your boundaries. Time to move on.
Well, there was one time that I talked to him with my gf too. I basically opened up to him saying that everything that’ve been happening was really bothering me. He “clarified” everything and said he wasn’t into her and all this was a big confusion… But anyway, who’s gonna accept that infront of the other ones partner? He sounded really offended and said he couldn’t believe what I was saying about him. Anyway, later on he went to her trying to clarify more stuff such mixed signals and also told her that she did good on choosing the relationship over the crush (ya, she told him about the crush but also told him that she would rather her relationship with me).
After that, they were evaluating options of “should I back off? Disappear? Act if nothing happend?” And my gf would choose anything. I told her that I needed him to back off and give us some space… Space he had taken before and space I want back. She agreed with me. I didn’t tell her to stop talking to him, but to back off. However, when the time came to tell him to back off, she collapse in tears and apparently told him that she doesn’t want him to back off… She told me that she told him that “it was the right thing to do but I couldn’t tell him exactly to back off… It was implied and he will do it… To disappear”.
She’s not acting as if she lost that friendship but it makes me thing that she’s acting that way cuz she has feelings for him (but I think this, I’m not really sure). However, if it happens that ways it’s cuz she wanted to. I don’t know if I should keep going and moving on together with her, or just let it go… She says she loves me, makes references to last experiences between us… Moments… Etc… But well
I’m sorry, CharlieFill, but your girlfriend is immature and not ready for an exclusive relationship. She does have “feelings” for your friend, whether she admits it or not. Trust me on this. Whether your friend reciprocates or not is immaterial. Your girlfriend is conflicted, which means, in harsh reality, that there is no real relationship with you. She’s not there.
I want to add that she stopped hiding me stuff after we talked with my “friend”… She realized that hiding things would make everything even worse and worse… I’m on my early 20s, ya, and I’ve been also thinking that she’s way too immature to… But she keeps telling me those things that make me hold onto her more… But I have this feeling she isn’t thinking the same way anymore and just doing it by “compromise” or “what people would say if I break up with my bf and go with his friend”
Charlie, I know you are in your early 20s, it is kind of obvious. No offense meant. It is only at this young age that a person, at least a sane one, would put up with this kind of abuse from a lover. I am sure you have really strong feelings for her. I am sure you guys have a lot of fun on occasion, maybe even all the time. But do you really want to hitch your wagon to someone who treats you with this kind of disregard?
I am willing to bet you $100 dollars that no matter what you do this relationship won’t last 18 months. She may love you, but she is confused in what she wants and will sooner or later strike out to investigate alternatives whether it is your mutual friend or not. She is not ready for a committed relationship no matter what she says to you. You really need to step back… Maybe decide to date around. If it is meant to be with her, it will happen, but right now there is no chance it hell this will end well. Just MHO.
She’s not ready to be with you long term. She really likes your friend. There’s nothing you or anyone can do or say to change these facts. This relationship will end, the only question is how much you torture yourself between now and then. It’s completely up to you. I recommend sooner rather than later, but we all have that early relationship we drag out too long, so if you hang around it will hopefully at least be a learning experience. Good luck.
I would disagree that it is your ‘relationship situation’ at all; it’s his now. The only question is exactly how the two of them remove you from that situation.
Your friend is not being a good friend to you at all.
Your “gf” has little regard for your feelings.
Neither of them are being truthful to you, and you are desperately clinging to hope that there’s a relationship to be salvaged, here.
There isn’t. I’d cut them both loose, because no matter what, within a year your friend won’t be a friend any more and your “gf” will be history, no matter what you do or how you react. I’m sorry. But you are better off being proactive and cutting loose now, rather than having it done to you - which will hurt a lot more.
Your girlfriend is “confused” about the feelings she has your friend vs. the ones she has for you.
Your friend not only isn’t helping you, he’s moving in on her. My guess is he’s fully aware of what he’s doing.
There are three relationships here. You>girlfriend, you>friend, friend>girlfriend. At least two of them are going to end badly, probably all three. The odds are not in your favor.
But you are better off being proactive and cutting loose now, rather than having it done to you - which will hurt a lot more.