Should I be worried about my GF?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hello people! I really need some wise and reasonable advice here! I hope you can help! I’ve seen some real down to earth people on these forums so I thought I’d give it a shot.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 years now and are very loving and affectionate towards one another. We have been through a lot together. She just finished college and I’m going to be done soon as well.

Anyway, recently she has made this new friend over Tumblr (Blog website). She really liked his blog and he liked hers so they started chatting and began to regularly contact one another. They eventually exchanged numbers so they could chat about their interests anytime.

At this point, I’m a little jealous shes talking to him so much over the phone and texting… but I keep my cool.

After a while I found out they were texting eachother pictures of themselves at work… (Usually funny ones). She commented to me about how handsome she thought he was because we’re usually very open about how attractive we find people like celebrities or people on TV. This made me a little jealous and worried because it seems like they were talking all the time and now I know she is attracted to him physically.

I sat her down and told her how I felt and asked her if she could talk to him a little less perhaps because I was getting uncomfortable with how much they talk. She really didn’t want to but agreed to after a while. After a week she started talking to him again regardless. She explained to me it was stupid that she wasn’t able to talk to him as much and that they’re just friends.

I got really upset and we argued about it, eventually I said that I was being a little controlling and jealous over it all and that maybe I was just blowing it out of proportion because of my own insecurities. I told her I was just jealous that he could entertain her so much. She said he just means a lot to her as a friend because she currently has no friends because she moved back in with her parents after she graduated college. (I knew this so I understood it). She insists that they’re just friends over and over and that I was just being controlling and jealous before. I told her she could talk to him whenever she want and I wouldn’t bother her about it anymore. She was really happy about it and said it was the right thing for me to do and it made her resent me less.

So it’s been about 5 days since we talked about it and things have been really good… Except, It is pretty hard for me to get over my jealousy.

Here’s my main problem now: He made a skype account and now they video chat literally every night for 2-4 hours. This is really getting to me… As if it wasn’t hard enough for me to get over my jealousy of them texting all day… This skyping thing really gets to me. I talked to her about it and said I wasn’t upset but thought it was odd they talk for that long. She explained that they just talk about their favorite shows and she mostly asks him tons of questions. She says she enjoys video chatting over just phone because she can see how he expresses himself better when she can see his gestures and facial expressions. Basically, she just likes to asks him tons of questions to get to know him better. I know its still just jealousy but honestly do friends need to video chat EVERY night?? Even if they’re new friends and want to get to know eachother better? What do you guys think? Should I care?

I’m not worried about her cheating on me with him physically or anything since he lives like 6-7 hours away… but I AM worried about her becoming emotionally attached to him and developing feelings for him.

Some minor details: She has never had a friend like him (besides me of course) that she can really relate to and share a lot of interests with so I can see why she values the relationship with him so much. Also, she’s in a very vulnerable state in her life right now because she lacks any true friends and is having a hard time figuring out where to go next with her work or career. She complains about not having anyone to talk to but me.

Anyway, Thanks for reading the freaking bible I just wrote for you guys… if you did read it all. I appreciate any help and insight!

2

I read it all, and I’m not sure what you want me or others to say.

Plan to do fun things with your GF, and if she starts saying things like “oh I can’t I’m going to skype with my friend tonight” over and over again, then you know what her priorities are.

If she is actively choosing her friend over spending time with you, over and over and over again, then there’s a problem. If she is just filling whatever free time she has by chatting with him and texting him, then it’s really none of you concern. If she develops feelings for him, so what? You can’t stop that from happening, just accept it. It sucks, believe me, I know how much it sucks.

Any discussions you have with her, frame them with how much you care about her and want her to be happy. She has a void in her life that she’s trying to fill. Maybe you can help with it, maybe you can’t. You say she doesn’t have any other friends? Well, now she does, so be happy for her.

But if she begins to constantly choose this guy over you for how she spends her time, read the writing on the wall. Making demands or requests that she stop doing something are not going to get you anywhere. Tell her that it hurts your feelings. Be honest and open with her that you don’t like it. But in the end say, “you are your own person and you can do what you want, but I hope you know that when you choose to spend time with him over me, it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel like you don’t value me or our relationship very much.”

3

Thank you so much for the response drew,

I am looking for things like/similar to what you said. I’m trying to figure out how to approach the situation and react to it, IF at all. Because, perhaps it is best to not worry about it.
I think I’m going to tell her that last bit you gave me. It really makes a lot of sense and maybe even she will understand that. At this point she isn’t giving up a real significant amount of time with me to go video chat with him… but she is texting him while we’re together just about all day and then doing the skyping late at night when she’s not doing anything else.
As hard as it is, I must admit… Part of me really is just afraid of losing her. Like, losing some sort of competition of who’s more interesting, me or this guy. I worry about things like Will she think hes better for her than I am because we’ve been together for 7 years and he can seem more interesting to her because they just met and there is so much to find out?

Those are the kind of thoughts I think and it freaks me out. However, part of me really tells me that this isn’t something that should be tolerated in a serious long term relationship like her and I have… Like, would other guys be okay with their significant other talking to a guy in this manner even if shes in the kind of emotional/friendship state shes in?

Then again, there are other parts of me that say… Well, if she gets real feelings for this guy (which may or may not happen) and starts to think that there are better and more interesting people out there for her than myself like him… then let her go find out for herself. But that just breaks my heart to try and accept.
Anyway, I would love to hear what other people think! Again, thank you for taking the time to help me out… it means a lot.

4

Yes, you should be worried (in my humblest of opinions). Women tends to have affairs based on emotional (rather than physical) connections, and that’s what this sounds like it could head towards. That said, I don’t think it’s too late to do anything, but if I were you, I wouldn’t just take a back seat and hope for the best.

Based on your post, I assume you don’t live together? What is your usual rate of spending time together? Is the assumption that you will be spending evenings together at your home or hers, or are you still ‘dating’? If you’ve been together seven years, you must be in your twenties, is that right?

5

Pro-tip: don’t ever express it to your girlfriend in this way. Surely the pain of losing her would be because you want to build a happy life together with her, not because you’d feel like you lost some stupid competition?

6

I don’t think things look good, frankly. Presumably you’re 21 or thereabouts judging by the OP and your username? So that would make you ‘high-school sweethearts’ in American. People change so much in those years, and find out all the different people they could be in relationship with rather than their teenage ideal. That combined with the ‘Seven-year Itch’…

So it may well be doomed, sadly, but the absolute worst thing you can do is to drive her further into his arms with jealousy, as it is uniquely unappealing and will just emphasise how relatively easy-going the other bloke is.

Even if you aren’t feeling the maturity to play it cool (I doubt I could), you should stick to the line that her happiness is paramount whatever happens. This suitor won’t have the disadvantage of feeling anxious and jealous as he has nothing to lose (the sod); while you’ll have to at least try to appear unbothered.

7

Thanks for the quick replies guys!

@Sandra
We do not live together… We did live together in College but when she finished she was forced to move back into her parents house due to financial complications that I won’t bother explaining. We are both 24 Years old. Yes we’re still dating and actively see each other… We spend the majority of any free time we have in our own days with each other and enjoy the time we get to spend with each other. It also seems we never really get “tired” of being around each other or ever feel the need for space. We’re always excited to see each other no matter how often we had been recently. Also, of course that’s not exactly how I feel… its just a silly way of expressing what it feels like sometimes… like fighting to see who can get the most attention from her… or something. Idk
@Staggerlee,

You’re absolutely right about the jealousy thing. This is extra hard for me because I am forced to contain my feelings in fear they’ll just make her think I cannot accept her having a friend…

I do believe that she only intends to be friends with this guy. However, what I don’t think she realizes is that through the nature of how they talk she may be giving him the idea that she’s interested in something more than a friendship. Also, that she sometimes spends more time focusing her emotions and time on him instead of me, thus making me jealous and uncomfortable which ultimately will push her away if I express it to her.

She talks about moving in with me in the future (3-12 months) and having a great relationship together. But, I think the excitement of this new guy and how interesting he is to her and how much they have in common may give her a reason to think otherwise.

Idk, i’m just blabbering hoping I’m giving you guys more info to go off of.

I really appreciate all the help thus far, please… keep it coming. New opinions, Second opinions… what have you. Thanks again guys.

8

Its done.

To quote a movie from today’s TV, “This isn’t the creeking that the branch makes before it cracks. This is it breaking beneath you.”

Plan your end game: where are you going to be living & how to separate what things should be yours from hers post break-up. Don’t be greedy; but don’t be stupid either. Move the things that matter to you out before “the talk”.
Less breakage/emotional “gimme that” drama that way.

Good Luck!

9

I’m afraid I’m going to have to go a bit Tough Love on you here, OP.

Well, that’s part of your problem right there. Age 24 and already had a 7yr relationship? She’s a young adult, been through college, is now working and has joined ‘adult society’ - but based on your post, has only one male partner in her life since her late teens? And you’re still in school? Of *course *she’s going to start showing an interest in guys other than the only guy she’s been with (in every sense of the word) since her late teens. Possibly the only reason - you - don’t feel the same way is you’re still in school. ANd I also wonder if there aren’t emotional / security (maturity?) issues on your end since you seem so ‘scared of losing her’.

I could play some serious arm-chair psychiatrist here with that first quote - how does someone go through four years of college and not have any true friends besides the boyfriend she’s had since junior high? But in any event, I’m not even sure what your question is, because if the ‘video chatting with some guy for hours on end every day’ wasn’t a big enough clue, she’s told you right here about as directly as she can where things stand.

Dude, she’s already moved on in the relationship. The writing isn’t just on the wall, it’s engraved in concrete. The current relationship with you is toast. History. Kaput. She’s dragging it out, likely because she knows how emotionally attached you are, and most nice people don’t enjoy the Armageddon that goes with trying to break up with people when it’s become a heavily one-sided relationship. But she has already packed her emotional bags and checked out, man, even if she may not be cheating on you with *this guy *specifically right now. She’s gone and she ain’t coming back in this phase of her life (see below for what I mean). Trying to hold on to her will only make the eventual release all the more painful and ugly (again, see below).

And in any event - I doubt there is little she could do know anyway to cure you of your jealously. Jealousy is a horrible, horrible thing - based on your post I can tell it is already eating you apart from the inside, little by little. It is going to (if it hasn’t already) poison everything about your relationship with her when she’s there, and when she’s not there, you’re going to be thinking, worrying, obsessing. Is she calling him? Emailing him? *Meeting *him? Why was she late coming home? Why didn’t she answer when I called? Where did she get those new earrings? Was that really an ‘office’ party she went to? Why is she wearing her shortest skirt to go out with her girlfriends? A very good friend of mine got so paranoid he tapped his own phones and installed a keyboard logger on his wife’s laptop. He was an emotional wreck; it affected his both his work and his health.

Now: I am 100% confident in saying that there’s no way 21yr old me would listen to the advice I’m about to give you, but: You -should- break up with her now, because it gives you both a chance to get out and be adults with other people, have other life experiences, share time and experiences with other partners. Stay in touch, stay friendly - and in a few years maybe you both decide to get back together again. If you do, the relationship is going to be -stronger- for the break in between.

I know couples that were childhood sweethearts, broke up in or after university, and got back together some years later. Several such couples are very happily married. I also know several couples (including my brother) that married their high-school sweethearts. Coincidence, perhaps, but I don’t know any that are still happily married; most of them are now divorced and barely on speaking terms if they’re talking at all. I guess after so many years of being together without knowing anyone else, it’s the ultimate in ‘familiarity breeds contempt’, and when the first break-up fight comes, it blows the relationship up far past being salvageable.

Personally, I think you need to go out a bit more, meet other people. I don’t mean ‘go cheat on your girlfriend’. I’m not saying ‘go hang around with other women so your GF will be jealous’. I’m saying you need to start weaning yourself off the bordering-on-unhealthy emotional attachment you have to your current relationship, because it is ending, and you’ll be in a much better place if you start trying to manage the crash landing now vs hanging on for dear life. You’re still in college, right? Go to parties! Hang out, meet people, have fun. Enjoy being 21 again. If things are supposed to work out with your current GF…they eventually will.

Edit: Or, what Count Blucher said.

10

Dude, if you have to ask… :frowning:

You should be seriously considering seeing other people.

11

I do agree that it is probably over, unfortunately. You can’t win her back, you can’t do anything to “beat” the other guy if she’s already moving on.

I am genuinely sorry for you and what you’re going through. Take it from a guy who got dumped by a person he loved dearly just so that they could go be with someone else they liked better. It really really hurts and sucks.

That being said, don’t go down without trying your best to show her how much it hurts you. Let her know you love her and support her decision… and then let her go, if that’s what she wants.

12

Even if it is completely platonic on your GF’s part, it’s my experience, from being on both sides of this, I can pretty much guarantee it’s not completely platonic for this guy. Seriously, what is his deal? I promise you the fact that she’s “got a boyfriend” is merely an obstacle for him.

I hope I’m pointing out the obvious and you already know this. Unfortunately I don’t really have any constructive advice for you. I’m just confirming you are fully justified to feel uneasy about this. If this were not occurring long-distance, like if this dude was physically following your GF around all day and they were actually hanging out together, would it still seem so “innocent”?

13

Bad news dude: 95% chance it’s over. I’ve seen this thread time and time again on the internet, and have lived a version of it myself. It always plays out the same way.

You two have shared 30% of your lives with each other, so this seems like the end of the world, but you are young, and I assure you that it is not. You are both very different people than you were in 2006, and in 2020 you will be more different still. He may be better for her, and he may not, but she feels she has to find out. 6-7 hours away is not an insurmountable distance by a long shot. I’ll spare you the ahem blow by blow of what happens next, but it ain’t pretty.

As stated by others, you have to tell her how her actions are making you feel, and the decision will be in her court. Generally speaking, every time I’ve seen this unfold, it goes down one of two ways:

  1. The guy lets her walk all over him until she is securely with the new guy - like a monkey not letting go of one branch until having a firm grasp on the next. She feels ok about the whole thing, and he feels like garbage.
  2. The guy tells his girl what he is and is not willing to accept, and leaves it up to her. He holds his head high, and walks away. He hurts, she hurts, but he has his dignity, and doesn’t turn into a stalker.

Just remember, that SHE did this, not you.

It sucks man, and I feel for you, but you will get through this. There is someone else out there for you.

14

Yesterday’s Carolyn Hax column seems relevant.

15

Take this advice. She is treating you like dirt, and probably waiting for you to lose your cool and then blame you for the break up, giving her the high moral ground, telling her friends," He was so jealous, I couldn’t even speak to another guy."

16

The Duke knows what he’s talking about.

Stuff that sucks builds character, and you be a wiser (and hopefully better) man after this.

17

This x1000.

18

Sorry, what? She’s texting this guy while she’s out with you?

I would put a stop to that right now. You can be as cool or as hard-ass as makes you comfortable, but I would make it 100% clear to her that texting another guy while the two of you are together is not acceptable and you will not compete for her time.

19

Typical SDMB advice…"dump her…see the writing on the wall…it’s over…"

First, I would encourage you to get over your own insecurities. Jealousy is a sure way to kill a relationship. You need to be confident in where you are in your relationship with her. I agree with one thing that was stated above, which is that if she consistently begs off spending time with you to skype with him, then that would be a deal breaker. Don’t shoot her over what you fear might happen…that’s on you, not her. I think it’s okay to share with her your insecurities, but that you recognize that they are yours and that you are working on them.

You should be encouraging her to make new friends. Living at home is not really an excuse for not having friends, unless her parents are uber control freaks and never let their 24 year old daughter out of the house. Be supportive.

If you do lose her, well you lose her. But if you break up with her, because you fear what might happen, then that’s your bad, not hers.

20

Also, never take advice from anyone who uses the phrase, “…that’s on you”.