My girlfriend is spending a lot of time with her new guy friend. Help me out here.

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

Hi all,
I am a 22 year old guy from India. me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for 3 years now. We love each other a lot. It’s so much fun when we are together. Also, we have planned to get married when we turn 25. Even her mum likes me a lot.

3 months ago she went to the USA for her higher studies. We have been talking a lot less since then. She has made a guy friend there. She goes out with him for movies, stays out with him till late in the night, texts him a lot and stuff. She never picks my calls, if she does she says that she is busy and that she will call back later. But she never calls back. Today i had a long chat with her to understand what exactly is going on. She said sometimes when I call her, she dosen’t feel like talking to me and that’s why she never picks my calls.

She also tells me everything about that guy. She said they go out for movies, dinner and stuff. She says that he likes hanging out with him a lot. She says there is nothing between them.She also says that she loves me .

Also she said that when she is with him, she dosen’t pick my call because that guy feels weird if she talks to me in front of him. Why does she care what he thinks? She dosent think that I will feel bad if she dosen’t pick my call. Why is she more concerned about him than me?

Extra information- I am a lot better than him. I look a lot better than him(infact girls in my office drool over me.). Plus I have studied in the best engineering college in India and I am sure I will going to Harvard in a couple of years for MBA. In total, I am better than him in every way.

Guys please help me out here. Why is doing this? Am i just getting paranoid? Please help me out. I love her a lot.

#2

If you’re 22yrs old, you surely must have recognized that there was, at the very least, the potential she could meet someone else. Perhaps someone who starts out as a friend and the slowly grows closer, until it’s more than just friends. If you two did not discuss this prior to her leaving, then you were both being very naive, in my opinion.

She has come to a far more open culture, with fewer societal restrictions, and she may just be enjoying that freedom. It’s possible she now feels an entirely different person, than she was before. Just as it’s possible you have nothing to worry about.

And really, you’re better than him in every way? Yeah, that’s the kind of arrogance that drives girls away, and makes you seem a dinosaur from a backward culture. Not to mention making you look incredibly immature.

I don’t see that there is anything you can do, ultimately. Other than stay tuned and hope for the best. Consider that perhaps it’s time for you both to mature enough to be honest with each other. Maybe if you’re honest with her about your feelings, that she’s slipping away from you and becoming more attached to him, then she’ll be honest with you about what’s really going on with her and this fellow.

If she did, could you be mature enough to accept whatever she tells you graciously? And if not, why on earth should she bother trying?

#3

Dear Elbows,
thanks for you reply. I think you did not fully understand what i said.

  1. I said I am better than him in my post, this dosent mean that I tell it to my gf. In a discussion of similar kind, people were asking questions about the other guy. Thats why I included it in my post itself.
  2. Before she left, We did talk about staying strong even if we are far from each other.

i did not get the answer to my question. Could you please tell me if I am being paranoid? How can I deal with this?

#4

Except, you have a smaller penis than him, so…

#5

Dear Snakes,
That did not help. I am looking for a solution here. So please help me if possible.

For your information- The new guy is an Indian.

#6

Obviously we don’t know what’s going on, but neither do you. It sounds like she is looking for some space and you are only going to make matters worse if you keep pushing for more contact with her. I know it’s hard, but I think you probably want to decrease the frequency of your contact with her, but try to have more substantive contact. What I mean is try to have a talk with her when she is ready to talk about what is going on with the relationship. It is not unreasonable to want to know the answer to that question.

#7

Thank you madmonk

#8

You ask an open ended question to which there are many possible answers Rahul. Elbows gave a pretty good summation of your options to not blowing it if things are still on track, and until you know more (Best done with a discussion when you’re both relaxed ,she’s not feeling defensive and your not feeling aggrieved) to hold steady and not be overbearing.

And yes, stating you’re better in every way comes off as more than a little conceited. Which would leave one wondering if, even though you never said this aloud to your girl friend, there might be mannerisms and interactions where you project this? Nothing wrong with confidence, as long as it doesn’t slide into contempt for those “beneath” you.

And really, personal achievements is not the best pitch for a life time partner, as there’s always going to be someone with a few more awards in the trophy case and more zero’s on the end of the pay check stub if that’s how your partner grades.

You’ll have a stronger bond by being more personable and being identified with things that are of importance to them.

#9

As Elbowes points out, your GF is immersed in American culture right now, as I’ sure you’ll find out when you get here, it can be overwhelming.

Also, in America, people marrying their High School sweethearts, is the exception and not the rule. I’m sure this girl does care about you, which may make it very difficult for her to come right out and tell you she wants to explore other options.
ETA: That thing she’s doing with the phone, screams at me that she is indeed romantically involved with this guy. Which would be the only reason he would feel uneasy about her talking to you in front of him.

#10

Your relationship is over, move on.

#11

Thanks Shakes and sylmar.

#12

You don’t have to brag on your betterness, aloud for others to detect your arrogance. Not her. Not us.

So how’d that conversation go? “I’ll be strong. You be strong too!” Did either of you address the very real possibly that she might grow closer to someone there, and find herself falling for him almost against her will? Just as such could happen for you, in her absence. Because people are just people, they are human, they are all flawed.

Did y’all agree to what might be either’s responsibility to the other, should one of you find themselves with feelings for some new person? Like promising to be open about beginning to have feelings for another. Because that’s the kind of mature adult conversation I’m referring to, not some highschoolish, romanticized swearing to be true.

If you didn’t have this conversation before she left, you need to have it now. Carefully, and with delicacy let her know that as hurt as you would be, should she be drawn to another, it would be a thousand times more painful to learn so, after months and months of thinking she was still yours, when really, she already knew it was over. Of course that would require the maturity to be open and forgiving, if such should actually come to pass.

Don’t discount the appeal of a ‘safe’ male friend, who knows she’s taken and accepts it, to someone from a culture where such a relationship, though innocent, would prove troublesome.

Also recognize grilling her, or letting such paranoia, founded or otherwise, seep into your relationship will likely be the kiss of death for it. And may simply confirm what’s he’s telling her, if indeed he is trying to woo her.

Mostly though you need to accept that there is nothing you can do except to choose to trust her, even with the possibility that the writing may be on the wall. Because the alternative, to become paranoid and distrusting, will poison your relationship, whether she is remaining true or not.

I wish you good luck!

#13

Thanks Elbows. That was helpful. i will have that conversation today.

#14

Good advice all around elbows. I agree that a heart to heart talk is in order.

While not the norm, it is possible for a guy to have a gal as a best friend. I’m a 52 year old man that has been married for 16 years. My best friend is a woman that I’ve known for 25 years. We hang out about once a month.

#15

Do not have the conversation with her.
She has already dumped you. She tells you she doesn’t want to talk to you, and then she goes on about him. That is only ONE of the things that say that she is totally through with you. When she said that, she was assuming that you knew what it meant and would take the hint to stop bothering her. She is treating you like shit, and you want to go back for a second round? Forget it.

The only way this has a happy ending is if you forget her.

That conversation that you two had about staying strong is something that she is now laughing about, while she is with her boyfriend.

Sorry, I know it hurts, but, letting her make you look foolish won’t help you a bit.

Lose her phone number, and, when she calls to make that big announcement that she is through with you, see to it that you have another babe or two in your life.

#16

Not sure how often you are calling her but if too often she may be feeling pressure. Once the dynamics in a relationship change their is not too much you can do about it. When we fall in love it has more to do with how that other person makes us feel about ourselves. If he makes her feel relaxed and important while you make her feel guilty or sneaky the tide has allready turned. Best medicine is just to back off, all the way off.

#17

Take a guess.

Listen: Just because you are handsomer than he is don’t mean jack. I know one guy who was extremely handsome, and had plenty of money, and his girlfriend looked pretty much like a bulldog, and she was built like a 55 gallon drum. She dumped him for some ugly poor guy.
Watch the American movie “Casino”. You are Sam Rothstein and your ex-girlfriend is Ginger.

#18

Guys thank you all for your replies.

I just do not understand why things changed suddenly. She loved me a lot before she left for the USA. We used to have a great tym too. Everything changes so suddenly.

#19

A “guy from India” who writes syntactically correct, idiomatically accurate American English? Your post is virtually indistinguishable from that of a native American English speaker. UK and AU residents have a less perfectly Americanized writing style than you do.

That’s very unique. You’ve very talented. You should get more respect.

#20

It’s not you, dude.

Time to move on.