My girlfriend and I have been together for close to two years now. We’ve been through some tough times together (layoffs, unemployment, struggling to pay the bills), but things between us have always been good. We fight very rarely, we spend a lot of time together, and we both show each other a lot of affection. She and I just moved from the Midwest to California together in March because I got a great new job out here.
These last few weeks she has been spending an increasing amount of time talking to a new guy friend of hers who lives back in the Midwest. Ordinarily I wouldn’t care in the slightest–she has plenty of other guy friends–but it seems like she spends all of her free time on IM with this guy. They’ve started talking on the phone, too, and last night she left our apartment to talk to him around 11PM and was gone until 2:30 in the morning. It’s getting to the point where I feel like she spends more time talking to him than she does talking to me.
I’m usually not a jealous person. She assures me this guy is just a friend, but that phone call last night set off a warning signal in my head that I’m not sure I should ignore. I don’t want to tell her not to talk to this guy anymore (I’m at work all day anyway, so it’s not like I could stop her even if I wanted to), but I’m starting to feel ignored.
I know nothing can happen between them physically at the moment–I’m more worried about what might happen emotionally. Am I overreacting? Do I have reason to be concerned? I could really use some advice.
No, you are not overreacting. This is a major red flag and you’re right to be concerned. If you two are so close, she should have no problem explaining what they’re talking about for hours every night. Bring it up casually and as non-confrontationally as possible.
Is this guy an ex-boyfriend, close friend from back home, or something else?
It’s time to start planning your exit strategy. This behavior is totally unacceptable. She has poor boundaries if she’s spending this much time talking to another guy. If she has that much to say, she should be talking about it with her boyfriend (i.e. you).
What do you want out of a girlfriend? Is it to develop a life-long relationship? Or just have a little fun companionship? If you just want a little fun, then stay with her as long as you’re having fun. Who cares who else she talks to (or maybe even does more)? But if you want a life-long partner, this is not the person for that. You need to move on because this will be a continuing problem.
Firstly, how did she meet the guy? How long ago? Has she met him in person? Is he someone she could conceivably want to date (i.e. not 70 years old and not butt ugly)?
She’s basically already cheating on you emotionally. If I were you I’d start looking at the exit path from your relationship.
This sounds like a very bad situation, not because talking to a guy is some horrible thing, but the amount of time, the timing, the intensity of the conversations, all sound more like there’s an infatuation or draw that’s more than just a casual friendship.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. A good conversation between the two of you about what she’s getting from that relationship is a must right now.
I’ve had those phone conversations with my guy friends before. Generally because they’re going through some emotional crisis or a bad breakup, and they don’t feel right crying on the shoulder of their male friends, but because I’m female and far away I’m considered to be “safe”.
You are not over-reacting! Even if nothing physical is going on with this guy, she is using her time with him to take emotional intimacy away from you, and to me, this at least borders on cheating.
You need to have an honest talk with her, tell her how and why this upsets you. If she truly loves you, she will back off her friendship with this guy, out of respect for you and her relationship with you. If she won’t, it should definitely raise red flags!
But it sounds like she met this guy online (note that he describes this guy as a “new” friend of hers). Things have progressed and now they’re talking on the phone.
Yes, and? They meet online, become friends, he is struggling with something (parents, money, bad breakup, coming out…) she turns a sympathetic ear, they talk more by IM, and then by phone.
I’m not saying there’s not something going on. Just saying that it’s not wise to jump immediately to ‘ZOMG SHE’S CHEATING!!!11!!!ONE!!!’ when there are other possible explanations.
He’s a friend of one of her other guy friends. I don’t think they’ve ever met in person, and I don’t think they even talked until recently.
Part of the reason I’m loathe to tell her not to talk to him is that she hasn’t really made any friends yet here in California. She’s still trying to find a job out here, so I know she’s lonely sitting at home by herself all day. I’m glad she has someone to talk to while I’m not around, but I feel like it’s gotten out of hand.
It’s up to the OP to clarify whether it sounds like she’s comforting him or not. She tells the OP that she’s “just friends” with this guy, it seems like she would have reassured her boyfriend that the guy online was going through a crisis and needed comforting.
You can tell her that. “Hey, hun, I know you’re friends with Jack, and I don’t have any problem with that, but I’m feeling neglected here. I miss you when I’m at work all day, and when I’m home I’d like to spend time interacting with you. Can you try to save your chatting for when I’m at work?”
I feel nothing but sympathy for you, man. You sound x10 more mature than I am and you’re taking it well, but I know that something like this would be constantly twisting my stomach into knots.
She’s bang out of order mate - This sort of behaviour is poisonous to relationships. You need to take up the cudgels on this one - it’s one thing being a mature, secure adult and another being a doormat. As unpleasant as it might be to have a huge row over it, it’ll be for the best long term (either way).
She followed you halfway across the country because you got a great job. What did she get? Has she done anything toward making a life for herself in California? Does she have a job there? new friends? things she’s involved in? Or does she spend most of the time when she’s not with you online or on the phone with people back in the Midwest?
Did she follow you to California because she was crazy about you and wanted to make a life with you—or because she was afraid to be alone and isn’t very good at taking charge of her own life? Is your relationship one of love, commitment, trust, deep friendship, and bonding, or is it one of comfort, affection, and companionship?
It depends on how you answer these questions, but I suspect this may be the case of a relationship that has reached the end of its natural lifetime.
(ETA: This was written before I saw your Post #12.)
I am not the jealous type at all. My wife has plenty of guy friends, and i have no problem at all with it.
And i would still be pretty pissed if i were the OP.
If the guy in question was some old friend she’s had since high school, or someone she went to college with, then that would be different. But if this guy really is a new friend, and she’s spending that much time communicating with him, then that’s a problem, IMO.
Just to clarify, I didn’t mean that my being the jealous type was the reason for my feelings, as this thread is evidence enough that you don’t have to be the jealous type to be concerned about this situation, but more of a disclaimer that perhaps my opinion on the matter should be ignored entirely. Like announcing that I’m a racist before getting into a discussion on race.
Anecdote ≠ evidence, as we all know. That being said, this quoted statement of yours nearly brought tears to my eyes because that was EXACTLY my attitude when my wife, who had trouble making friends, finally found someone she connected with and was able to spend time with doing some things she enjoyed that I wasn’t into. Bet you’ll never guess who it turned out she was sleeping with.
As others have said, be concerned. It does not mean she’s cheating, even emotionally, and I certainly hope that that’s not the issue. But I think your concerns are very reasonable. And if your lines of communication with her are as open and solid as you think they are, I think she should be understanding of why you’re feeling a bit neglected and worried about how this friendship of hers is progressing. I’m with the others who think you should talk to her about it (respectfully, of course, and not accusingly) and see how the conversation goes. Good luck.
