I met my bf two years ago while he was hooked up with someone else. However, we immediately hit it off, and became fast friends. We never physically messed around but we engaged in phone sex and cybered once or twice. Anyway, he dumped his GF after a few weeks of this, and we’ve been together for about 20 months. We’re now engaged and live together. My only problem with him is he still is friends with his ex. They talk all the time. She recently moved to Canada and I thought my problems were over. Nope. She sends him packages. I realize he would never cheat on me, but I HATE her. She drives me CRAZY! My BF has made it clear that they are still friends and will continue to talk to one another. What should I do? Suck it up and deal with it?
ummm… Why wouldn’t he? He cheated on her with you, or maybe they are just having phone and cyber sex… nothing to worry about.
What B_Line12 said.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Yep I agree totally on that one.
Give your children these two things: One is roots, the other, wings - Wally Wally He’s our Man
I realized he cheated on her with me. However, and I know this going to sound somewhat odd, I do trust him. Plus, I would probably find out. I have access to his checking account, so I know the money going in and out. I PAY the phone bills, so I know if there are any international calls. I realize there is such a thing as phone cards, but I monitor all our finances because I have to check on him. So, if he IS cheating, then I really can’t see how he would. Unless it’s through our joint email account (Not likely) or snail mail. And if he’s desperate enough to do that, then fine. Because come on, international snail mail. Ha ha. Besides why would he cheat on her, break up with her, and then turn around and cheat on me?
He cheated on her. That means you’ve got a boyfriend that has the capacity to be unfaithful. He’s already told you he’s going to continue a friendship with her. So now you’ve got a few options. A) Deal. Either just shut up and let them be friends, or get over the hatred and become friends with her yourself. B) Ditch him and find a new, unattatched guy, completely available to you and only you. C) Keep the relationship going as it is, until you become so paranoid and hate-filled that he ditches you.
If you really, really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, I’d recommend A. But I think the smart choice is B. Choice C has not happened to me, but I have seen it happen to many a friend of mine. It sucks, trust me.
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)
How about you give this guy an ulti-matim , “her or me?.” That’s what i’d do (but i’m not the doctor of love).
I WOULD give him that ultimatem, but if there is nothing to worry about, and he stops talking to her, it’ll just make him bitter towards me, because his friends are important to him. Besides, he KNOWS I would never ever be able to go through with it, and it’s a box I don’t want to open. I realize he has the capacity of cheating, but to be honest, I think that is mainly my fault. I iniated it, continued it, encouraged it, and generally had a good time. My only excuse is that I fell completely and totally in love with him after only a couple of weeks, and I WANTED him to be mine, and I wasn’t going to stand by and let him slip away. I can’t become her friend because I WAS her ‘friend’ while they were together.
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
Why do you hate only her when he accepts the packages and doesn’t hang up the phone? He knows how you feel and doesn’t care enough to quit it. She’s not your problem.
A girl
Are you willing to go through life with a man that has that kind of power over you? If he already knows you “wouldn’t be able to go through with it,” you’ve pretty much given him a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants, because at this point, you’ve pretty much got “doormat” stamped all over you.
You didn’t exactly do right by your friend. But if you really do love the guy, all you can do is deal with it. Or ditch him and try & repair your friendship with her. Or ditch them both and start over.
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)
The main point to remember here; it takes two to tango. You might think that you initiated it and all that crap, but if he wasn’t willing it would not have happened between the two of you. And yep, it’s a given, if he would cheat on her with you he will cheat on you with someone else. I can imagine she had the same feelings about him and about trusting him while he was with her much as you do now while he is with you. In most cases, and of course as with everything else there are exceptions, once a cheater always a cheater.
** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
I think you need to jump off the jealousy train. I’m still friends with MOST of the guys I’ve EVER dated. In one case, one of them dated a girl for a while who hated that he still talked to me and hung out with me. It made no sense to me. Either you trust someone or you don’t. If you dont’ trust them, why be with them? If you do trust them, let them choose their own friends. He and I never messed around while they were dating, not ever. We did hang out and go see movies and go eat and talk on the phone, etc. She couldn’t handle it. That is just sad. If the only way you can “trust” your man is to deny him the opportunity to live his own life, well… that is just too sad to imagine.
So really… either let them be friends or get out. You can’t deny him his friends. If you do, then you don’t really trust him and he WILL resent it.
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In some ways I do have doormat stuck on my forehead. I am dependent on him in a lot of ways, and he takes care of me. I bask in his attention. I don’t mind, because he doesn’t take advantage of me in anyway. And he knows and I know that if he EVER got it in his head to cross me, I’m the meanest, cruelest, heartless bitch one could ever encounter. When loved I’m a pussycat, when crossed I’ll tear people apart. Though I guess since I’ve been ‘dealing’ with it for two years, I can continue to deal with it now. But I’m more then eager to hear everybody’s opinion the subject. =)
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
Please stop jumping on the OP because she became sexually involved with her current SO while he was still involved. This is one of the dirty little secrets of our species’ search for one’s mate: There is no such thing as an unattached woman. Except for some model feminists I’ve seen, most gals still subscribe to the old “you gotta have a man” menality, so they string along some poor schmuck just as SOP. You remeber college: "well, I’d like to go out with you, but I want to stay faithfull to dear old Wally back home (translation: I don’t find you attractive). Or: "but things have been drawing to a close with me and Wally (translation: you’re kinda cute).
OK, that being said; now to you pepperland, I say you must make this “come-to-Jesus” time for you and your young man. He can’t be “still friends” with his ex: they weren’t “friends” in the first place but a sexually-bonded couple; an entierly different situation altogether. He has to cut her free for her future as well as yours. And fair is fair: you may not play house with one boy and tag with all the others at the same time.
This is what most people do. Why, you may ask? (Dr. Laura would go into morality and Mosaic Law, but Dr laura can go crap in her hat and call it curls) My answer is that it keeps things easier than if you and he worked out the whole “open-marriage” arrangement, which is too complicated to be worth it even when the two parties enjoy seperate quarters and expenses. Clearly you two aren’t in this situation, so it is time to either break with the past or drag it along into unwelcoming territory.
(You obviously never read Dear Abby.) Because a cheater’s goal in relationships is to deceive his SO and have multiple partners, not to form a loving relationship with someone. A cheater is a cheater - if there are exceptions, they are so rare that it’s not worth risk of the pain and anguish and possibly disease to mess with someone who has cheated once.
My grandfather cheated on my grandmother. He married his mistress when my grandmother died and proceeded to cheat on her. The last I heard his fourth (or fifth?) wife was dumping him because he was cheating on her. This is a man in his seventies.
Hmmm, all of you have good points. However, I feel like I the issue is not whether or not he cheats on me. I trust that he won’t, if I didn’t trust him, then our relationship would be doomed anyway. The issue is, I HATE THIS WOMAN. HATE HER. As a general rule, I don’t even like the word hate. But this woman drives me crazy in so many ways that I can’t even bear hearing about her. Either we are too much alike to get along (A thought I find terrifying) or we are complete opposites. The problem I have is, I hate her, he doesn’t. He wants to talk to her, and for the life of me I can’t figure out WHY ANYBODY would want to even look at her. Sounds catty huh? Well she’s no saint, and she totally took advantage of my BF when they were together, though for some reason he forgave her. (I don’t think he knows the meaning of the word grudge.)
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
Pepper–I don’t understand why you hate her. What has she ever done to you?
Disable Similes in this Post
As a general rule I give everybody a chance, I never jump to rash judgements or rely on sterotypes. After what seems the appropriate amount of time I group people in three categories. Friends (People I WANT to be around) Acquaintences (SP?) (People I don’t mind being around either way) And everybody else (People I ignore) That way I don’t hate or dislike anybody, UNLESS they upset me in a drastic way. One sure way to do that is to offend me in one of three ways. Saying something mean/rude/uncalled for/offensive about my family, my religion, and The Beatles. (Long story about the last one.) This woman managed to do ALL THREE! Multiple TIMES! I added a new thing to my list: Hurting my BF’s feelings in anyway. She also did that multiple times. I think I’m a fairly forgiving person, but I have a limit. And she pushed me over that limit.
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
Do you really hate her or do you feel threatened by her pressence in your boyfriend’s life?
I, personally think it’s the later. They were involved and as I see it that gives them history, and history tends to repeat itself…do you see where I am going with this?
Hmmm, I think Ang hit the nail on the head.
Look what ever she did or didn’t do to him when they were together should have no bearing on your feelings for her.
And face it, not everyone is going to like your family, your religion, or the Beatles.
Thats just how life is. There are lots of people who have/do offend me in lots of way. And there are people who just flat out get on my nerves.
But I have learned this much in 40 + years of life, we hate what we fear more than almost anything else.
“Ayesha, Who can bend minds with her spoon” WallyM7
Voted SDMB Biggest Flirt (Female) and Least Shy (No Mom, I have no idea why they think that)