Relationship Advice

In My Humble Opinion
1

It’s time to enlist the great minds of the collective Doper hive for the benefit of a friend!

Here’ s the situation A good friend of mine has been engaged to a girl whom he’s been seeing for a while. Long story short, they are good together, and do love each other, but for a while he has not been fufilling her all of her emotional and sexual needs. She started confiding in another male friend who’s part of their collective social circle.

Very recently her behavior led him to suspect that the conversations between her and the other friend had become more than just conversations. He asked her if there was something going on between the two of them and she said no, they are just good friends who share a similar life background and he’s had problems with women and they have conversations about that - but there was nothing going on between them. He REALLY wanted to believe her, but he still had his suspicions.

He realizes that he’s at fault for the state that she’s in where she would even consider cheating on him emotionally or physically to fufill her needs that weren’t being met, and they had a long deep conversation about it. He apologized for his wrongdoings, and vowed to correct them. She acknowledged that he wasn’t fufilling her needs but she would rather resign herself to just not expect it to ever happen before she would cheat. She swore up and down that she would never do that to him. They have been trying to revamp their relationship and bring some real passion into their lives. She appreciates it and has told him so. It could just work out if he keeps it up!

Now here’s the problem. That suspicion that she wasn’t being totally honest is still there, so he did some looking around in computer logs and stuff and found some messages that they were sending to each other. He’s pretty sure if this:

  1. They were definitelty doing more than just talking to each other about problems in their lives. They started falling for each other.

  2. They have met secretly, he has inferred that much. He doesn’t think they ever got physical at those times. They have been sharing sexual fantasies involving each other.

  3. They ALMOST got together and she arranged that she and her fiancee would be apart for a period of some hours. She told him she was going to the office to work, the reality was she planned to meet this guy instead. Coincidentially, this is the same day she had the heart to heart with her fiancee, so she never left to meet the other guy. He sincerely feels that if things happened differently and she went to meet him, they would have had sex.

  4. She’s still talking to him and hiding it from her fiancee, but much less frequently. Their coversations seem to be more along the lines of she’s really trying to stay away from him, she knows it was wrong and she feels very guilty about it. However she still has feelings for him that wont go away overnight and she still thinks about him, and still wants to remain friends with him.

That’s the extend of what my boy knows. He’s torn in a few ways. Their relationship has always been built on trust and he’s never spied on her before or dug up her online conversations. Although it was justified, he feels guilty about it and has not brought it up with her about how much he knows.

So what should he do? Continue to monitor her conversations and if it looks like she really is trying to break it off with the guy, just giver her time to do it and get over the guy and never bring it up with her? And if it DOESN’T look like she is sincerely trying to do the right thing, then confront her with the evidence?

Should he ask her again to be honest and tell him what the extent of her relationship of the other guy was/is? She will probably continue claim innocence out of fear of hurting her fiancee if she revealed the truth. Also asking her again would probably arouse suspicions that he IS spying on her.

He knows the guy’s email address. Should he sent HIM an e-mail and tell the guy to fuck off, stop talking to his wife and he knows there was something going on. They are trying to work it out and his continued presence will jeopardize the proccess?

I have my own ideas of what to tell him, but I’d like to see what you Dopers think so I can give him the collective advice :slight_smile:

2

Do you and your friend really think she’s going to remain faithful in a long-term marriage if she can’t even talk to her fiancee about relationship issues?

Tell him to dump her. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

3

Oh I just want to clarify that she’s been VERY honest with him about relationship issues, except for this very recent development (probably no more than 2-3 months). They have had many many conversations where she’s tried to tell him how she feels and what she really needs from my friend. Her involvment with this guy only happened because of long term neglect and his lack of responsiveness and being proactive about their relationship. They’ve had their share of problems that are related but I believe that she was just being human, and ppl can only take so much. She’s very protective of him and that’s probably why she wants to keep this “affair” a secret, even if she’s breaking it off at this point and trying to get over the guy and work on repairing their relationship. I think she really does love him and wants to marry him, if they can work this out.

4

Sorry. If I was him I would cut and run. They’re not even married yet and all she’s concerned about are her needs not being fullfilled?
And instead of working it out with him she runs to, not a female friend, not a family friend, but another guy?
Marriage is about compromise and unconditional love. Not about “getting your needs” met.
It’s an insult to your friend.

I wouldn’t put up with it and neither should your friend.

5

Gotta agree with dmatsch. She cheated on him, for all intents and purposes. I know I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage where my wife took her sexual frustrations and fantasies to another guy instead of me. Judging by the whole computer log spying deal, I’d say neither party in this relationship has much trust or respect for the other-- certainly not enough to build a marriage on.

6

Have to agree with what’s been said so far. If they’re not even married yet and having this many issues, there’s a strong probability that they’re not the right people for each other. If it’s that much effort for your friend to behave in a way that his fiancee doesn’t feel neglected, then it’s not natural and he will eventually tire of it. If it’s her nature to go looking for other men when they have problems, she’s not going to be able to keep that impulse quelled forever. They should part before they get married.

7

If I hear another one of these threads, I think I may have to start an instructional OP on not being a bitch-ass.

Look. This fiance guy is obviously not meeting her needs for whatever reason and instead of confronting the issue she’s blowing some dude behind his back. Does anyone actually think it’s going to get better once they get married?

I mean what’s this guy doing wrong other than not being that into this girl he’s seeing? They both need to cut their losses.

8

Even if she has been honest and so on and so forth, they aren’t meant for each other. Dude can try his best to fulfill her needs, but chances are, he’ll start cooling it down a bit again.

And then guess who she’ll call.

9

Does this strike anyone else as odd, somehow? Blaming the victim, maybe? If I go into a long-term relationship/marriage, am I to expect that I am going to get all of my needs met, all of the time, by my partner, and it’s their fault if I don’t?

10

Call off the wedding and see if this thing is going to work. They have all the time in the world. If it turns out it’s not the real thing, they don’t have a divorce to contend with.

11

I think you should stay out of it. Either the trust has gone out of the relationship (and this is how it sounds) and it’s going to crumble of its own accord, or they’ll come to a way to patch things up. You can be a sounding board, but I don’t think you should take on the role of Ann Landers.

12

Good advice so far, pretty much what I expected. The main issue of whether they should really be together or not aside, how would you handle those specific questions he asked me? Should he see if she really does call it off with this guy and commit wholly to their relationship, and never tell her what he knew? If she does in fact do this, then he thinks maybe she really didn’t tell him out of fear that it would hurt him too much. And, should he send a word of warning to the other guy to watch how he’s acting with his woman? I’d tell him myself, but I’m not going to get involved like that. It DOES piss me off what he’s doin because he knows they are getting married and have been together for 6 years. i think he’s taking advantage of her emotional vulnerability.

I’m not really going to mire myself in their situation as to whether or not he should keep her or leave, her, I just want to be able to offer good advice on those two points. I noticed that a lot of the answers hinge on the fact that they are not married yet and should cut their losses before they do get married. For the sake of argument, what do you think of the situation if they WERE already married for several years? Everything else remaining the same, would your feelings change?

I really want the best for my boy, and I know he loves his fiancee to pieces. He has a bad habit on not verbalizing his feelings and not being proactive, but he’s made greats strides in those areas over the past few years. And she’s the reason for it. I’m pretty confident that he’s had his wake-up call and will be sure he lets her know how much she means to him and how he feels about her. She’s a really great woman too, aside from this recent failing of hers. I guess I gotta admit that personally I really do hope it works out for them because they are great together. And hey we’re all human, we all make mistakes!

13

I don’t think it’s going to work. If he’s not meeting her needs now - or really has to work at it to do so - it’s only going to get more difficult.

But don’t tell him this. Stay out of it. Be a sounding board, or a shoulder to cry on if needed, but giving advice in this kind of situation can only put you in the middle and make you the bad guy.

14

Well, that pretty much completely changes the situation, doesn’t it? The possibility of divorce-- a huge, permanent, and often extremely negative life alteration-- is a real reason to invest a lot of time and effort to get through the issues and make the relationship work, even at great difficulty. Not being married, the “penalty” for deciding to cut their losses and split (some heartache and lessons learned, maybe a temporary financial hit if they were living together) is a lot less grave.

15

I think he should run for the hills, and frankly, so should she.

Number one, she’s been telling him about her needs and he’s been ignoring them until another man is in the picture.

Number two, there’s another man in the picture.

I just don’t think these two have what it takes for a long term marriage. Of course, I’ve never been married, so what the hell do I know.

Number three, this:

cracked my shit up.

16

You ask what should happen if they WERE married…but what if they weren’t engaged?

Having gotten a ring might be making her try to want to shy away from this other dude for engagement’s sake but it might be because she feels more obligated than if they were just dating.

Take away the ring and I suspect she may have already “fully” cheated on your boy, or would have dumped him.

Like others have said, getting married isn’t going to fix anything. If they were already married the emotional and physical problems wouldn’t be any less - but the financial and legal problems would be more. Being engaged doesn’t make the physical or emotional problems any less, but it does have some financial and moral stress. If they weren’t engaged, there’d just be some emotional and physical problems and that makes it easier to walk away.

17

That’s retarded. Unless she was born without a mouth, she always had the ability to speak up and address the fact that her needs were not being met. She chose not to do that but instead turned to someone else. Not good.

And there’s pretty much no chance they haven’t been physical together in some way. (I’m guessing msmith nailed it.) She’s in damage recovery mode right now, but the fundamental problems haven’t been addressed.

If I was giving your friend advice, I would start by telling him not to marry this woman. As for the specifics you asked about, yes he should tell her he was spying on her and knows about the situation with the other guy, and no he shouldn’t tell the other guy to leave his woman alone. I’d also tell him this other guy is not the problem. The world will always be full of guys willing to fuck his woman. It’s not his job to make things perfect so she’ll never be tempted, or the guys of the world’s job not to fuck her. It’s her job to be in her relationship wholeheartedly and unreservedly, or to cut him loose so he can find someone who will be.

18

I know this isn’t supposed to be a humorous thread, but you guys have cracked me up. I think Giraffe has put it pretty succinctly (if not exactly delicately).

19

I think you should dump this girl and head for the hills. You’re living in fantasy land if you think they haven’t already been physical.

20

The Ghostbusters, I assume, but I fail to see how bringing them in is going to fix anything.