Wow, you guys are harsh! The Straight Dope is the straight dope, so i’m going to send him this thread to read and consider. Maybe it’ll work out between them, maybe it won’t - He knows I’ll have his back either way. Gonna be pretty ackward to see them all together though…
I gotta say I do find it interesting to compare this thread to some of the other recent relationship/sex threads.
Sorry, I have to boogy off to work so I’ll have to read the whole thread later, but my vote is not for dump-and-run - if there is sufficient commitment from both parties, they can save their relationship (and make it even better, possibly). They both need to do things differently - a really good book on this issue is NOT “Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass. I would recommend they both buy a copy and read it cover to cover, and see if they’re willing to do what it takes to fix what isn’t working for them.
Your friend needs to tell his fiancee everything. They can’t fix everything until it’s all on the table.
Not a good plan my friend. Reading about how a bunch of strangers think his relationship is doomed will just make him defensive about it. And probably angry at you for airing his dirty laundry on the Internet. Others have said it, and I’ll repeat: Do not try to cast a starring role for yourself in this dude’s drama.
Okay, well basically it was just about the same problem only the girl I was with wasn’t exactly trustworthy. We had been friends for years and eventually fell for eachother and this one time, I went to visit her at her college and she was sittin flirtin with this guy. I was like “Ok wtf is goin on” she said they were just friends and they were just talking and I found out that he’d been going to her work secretly and goin to her house late at night.
I later found out that they’d told eachother that they were both in love with eachother and when i asked her she said she was “pressured into it” (WTF). I decided to tell her it was him or me so she said “of course its you” (Meaning me) and things were ok, for about six more months.
I still was a bit suspicious like your friend is but I was putting it behind me then one day I got this phone call saying “Oh I just realised, I don’t love you anymore cos theres someone else” at first I thought it was the same guy and a few seconds later she told me it was this other guy she knew at work.
I think my point is, if you can’t trust them, not only are you setting yourself up for more pain in staying in the relationship after to be honest its dead or dying but they will most likely do something like that again. Im sorry for your friend but he’ll find someone eventually.
I just don’t see this working out in the long run. Yeah, they may be great together, but if it takes a strenous effort for him to meet her needs, this problem is going to crop up again.
And the fact that she got involved with the other guy is a bad sign. She should have talked to him, or broken off the engagement. That kind of lack of communication is poison to a long-term relationship(believe me, I know.)
And for the love of Cthulhu, DON’T tell him about this thread. Bad idea.
Okay, I’ve read the whole thread now, and my advice remains basically the same. I don’t have the same black-and-white opinion on cheating that many of the other contributors have; I recently read the book I recommended earlier, and it has opened my eyes to what really goes on in relationships. I used to think like everyone else; “If he cheated on me at all, I’d dump him immediately, and that would be that” but it’s just not that simple, if you want to save the relationship (and contrary to popular belief, lots of people do, and lots of people are successful at it).
As I said before, I think your friend needs to tell his fiancee everything. He’ll spill it anyway, eventually, and probably in the middle of a bad argument where it will be much worse than if they sit down calmly and discuss things. Some of the keys for a couple getting past an affair is for the affair to be completely over, both parties to be whole-heartedly back in the relationship, and for the unfaithful partner to come absolutely clean with the betrayed partner.
Interestingly, the reason your friend’s fiancee was having an emotional affair on him is pretty much textbook for women. I’m not saying it’s right that women in unfulfilling relationships have affairs, but apparently, that’s the most common reason for women to have affairs. For what it’s worth.
I also think it’s interesting that your male friend is talking to you about such an emotional, painful subject, Dorjan. Most men don’t open up to each other like that. It’s probably good for him to have you to support him and give him feedback.
Featherlou, thanks for a most interesting insight! Your replies lie closest to the way I feel about the situation, although everyone else made some valid comments.
We’ve been close friends since we were 6 years old, there isn’t much we don’t share 
Believe it or not, he’s quite interested in seeing what you all have to say. Y’all don’t know him, he doesn’t know y’all so there is no embarrassment factor there. His analytical side can’t resist getting the opinions of other people!
I have no opinion regarding the couple. (I generally just don’t trust third party descriptions based on second party confidences even if everyone is trying to be on the level.)
However, I have one word of very practical advice: Under no circumstances should the unhappy guy contact the “other man.” Regardless whether the fiance sought him out or whether he is a bounder who sought her out, (a situation of which we will probably never know the truth), the issue is that of the fiancee’s actions. Directing any attention toward the other guy could result in more hard feelings all around, provides an opening for a lot more gossip among the circle of acquaintances, may cause the fiancee to feel obligated to defend the guy, causing more hard feelings (and greater suspicion even if that relationship actually has ended), and is just generally a BAD idea.
I understand your concern for such a long-time friend. When he can feel that kind of close friendship and sharing with a woman, he has found the right person to marry!
Being married is hard enough when you are close and trusting and loving and communicative. What a nightmare without those things in place!
I’m not saying that he should break up with her. But until he doesn’t feel any need to spy on her…and until she can communicate her needs to him and find satisfaction…and until she can be honest with him, they have no business getting married.
Please stop making excuses for her! She is responsible for her actions and feelings, not your friend. He is responsible for his own. She doesn’t know what she wants yet.
Your friend must decide for himself whether he will tell her what he did.
Don’t contact the other guy at all!
And I am of the opinion that it is certainly natural for a female to confide in male friends. It just went too far in this case.
He’s not meeting her needs…
Oh my…you can only be responsible for meeting your OWN needs. You need to get into a relationship being able to be single. Then, when you can do that, you can start sharing your independance with someone.
'Cause eventually you get married. One of you ends up traveling for business and is gone a week a month. That ends and suddenly a huge project appears at work and you might as well BE out of town. Then kids come and suddenly you are two near strangers living in a house with kids and diapers until the kids sleep through the night and don’t need constant attention. Your mother gets ill, and you need to backburner the wife and family. The kids turn into teenagers, who need the whole world run around them and become jealous of anyone else having needs met. Then one of you gets ill and needs caretaking (and often not the needy one).
If she isn’t getting her “needs met” before they get married, not sure how its going to happen in the real world of marriage.
Now, you do need other people - because being completely self sufficient is rare and lonely. And I happen to be of the opinion that a) its not realistic to expect to have all your emotional needs met by a single person - you need your family and your friends. And b), its reasonable to have emotional intimacy with another man as long as you are mature enough to seperate out “I love talking to this person” with “I love this person.” That can be hard.
All this talk of having needs met…has this girl given him specific instructions on how he could meet her needs, not just some vague, “you need to talk about feelings more” statement? Or has she set up some impossible situation where he has to guess what those needs are and how to fulfill them, and if he fails to guess right, then she’s off to somone else? Or has she said, “this is what makes me feel loved…when you call me at work once a day, when we eat dinner together every night, when we go on a real date once a fortnight, when we take turns planning what we will do on our Saturdays together…” you know, real goals he can work at and acheive?
And you say they are engaged, but you don’t mention anything about when the wedding is…are they one of those vaguely engaged couples where she’s got a ring and he thinks that’s fine for now, or are they actively working towards and planning a wedding on a specific date? If she’s doing all this while planning their wedding, then he needs to call it off now until she can prove to him, by specific actions, that this flirtation she’s having won’t happen again. If they have no date set and aren’t planning on setting one soon, then he should ask for the ring back and go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend until they both decide they can’t live apart another minute longer and have to be together, now!
He should tell her that he feels that her involvement with this guy went beyond just friendly chit-chat, and that he suspects that she had sexual feelings for the guy. Hey, he’ll be talking about his feelings then, won’t he? Just what she wanted, right? Why is it only her needs that are important? He has a need to know that she has been and will remain faithful. So she should work on meeting his needs, too. They need to discuss why this happened, and how to prevent it if the same situation should arise again, and what specific steps she must take to reassure him that it won’t happen again…specifics, not vague, indeterminate stuff.
Tell him he shouldn’t let her blame him for what she did…she made a choice every step along the way. Maybe this is his wake-up call that he can’t take her for granted anymore, but it could also be a wake-up call that for the rest of their lives, any time she gets to feeling neglected she will head for another man instead of talking to the man she says she loves. They either fix this now, or part. But she should know that she might lose him if she can’t meet his need for reassurance.
that’s what SHE said 