I have been in a (what I thought was) a monogamous relationship with a man for just under two years. Just found out that he has been having sex with another woman for, I think, six weeks or so.
I do love him, he is funny and kind and great company. And I sort of think that everyone cheats, at some point, and perhaps it is unrealistic to expect someone to be faithful, long term, but heck, two years isn’t that long term!
Has this happened to you? What did you do? Accept it? End it? I feel so tired, I am not sure what the “right” response is. Leaning towards ending it, as what is the point, otherwise? Would like to see some other views. Or, views to vindicate mine
Everyone cheats? No. I’ve been married for 38 years and haven’t. You can even add the 2 years before we got married.
I would end it in a heartbeat. So would my wife. Heck she might even use the “Till Death Do Us Part” clause of our marriage vows on me. No wonder I’ve been 100% faithful!
All relationships have stresses, problems, and issues. But it’s damaged or dishonest individuals who respond to those things by cheating. So no, ‘everyone’ doesn’t cheat. You deserve better, and while you should take responsibility for your share of the issues in the relationship, you should not take any responsibility for your partner’s unilateral decision to betray you.
“Damaged” individuals? Just as all relationships “have stresses, problems and issues,” people cheat for various reasons. To say that those who do are damaged is ridiculous, and not accurate.
Different people have different arrangements and expectations, and even when the behavior legitimately constitutes “cheating” because it’s outside the agreed parameters, it may not necessarily be cause for ending a relationship. That isn’t the case with my relationship, and it’s clearly not with Qadgop’s, and it sounds like a dealbreaker for Tails too. But let’s notrush to paint everyone’s behavior with one brush.
Of course, I live in LA so take it with a grain of salt.
I used to avidly read the sex advice column by Isadora Alman. She would comment on all manner of consensual relationships, including open ones and polygamous ones. Cheating isn’t consensual. Alman once noted that there really isn’t a moral system in the world that permits it.
It happens. It isn’t always a dealbreaker for all couples, though it’s widely accepted as at least a potential or even probable dealbreaker. But moral? No. The only ambiguity or caveat I can think of involves relationships where partners agree to look the other way. But as the OP’s situation apparently doesn’t involve marriage or children, I’d think that it’s time to clarify certain matters in her mind and make some contingency plans. At a minimum.
If you were married, had children or a house, or were otherwise legally or financially entangled, I would support you if you wanted to work it out, but even then I wouldn’t** advise **it.
However, are you sure he was cheating, by his definitions? Some people think it’s not cheating unless certain acts occur, or an explicit promise to not have sex with others was made, or there’ an emotional involvement.
Me, I think it was cheating, and you should move on now while you’ve only invested two years in him.
If you’re okay with being in a relationship where you’re exclusive to him but he’s not toward you AND where he’s hiding his relationship with someone else from you, I have no problem with it. If you decide to take on other lovers and hide it from him to even things up, I have no problem with that either. It’s not my circus and those are not my monkeys.
If you’re considering this guy as potential marriage material, unless you’re okay with an open marriage, you should start over with someone else.
It is realistic to expect someone to be faithful, no matter the length of the term. He has shown clearly that he does not respect you enough to honor his commitment to you. I suggest you get a whole lot of gone between you and him, real quick.
I do love him, he is funny and kind and great company. And I sort of think that everyone cheats, at some point, and perhaps it is unrealistic to expect someone to be faithful, long term, but heck, two years isn’t that long term!
QUOTE]
I gave my girl friend April ring in April 1971. Since that date she has been the only one. I love her with all my heart why would I look elsewhere?
Dump the cad. I was married far too long to a serial cheater, and of course I was the last one in town to know. I kept trying to “save the marriage,” but, frankly, it wasn’t worth the effort.
One other piece of advice whether you dump him or not: Get tested for STDs ASAP. He may have slept with just one other woman or many more. Either way he may have infected you with a STD.
Except, it’s not clear to me from the OP whether there actually was a commitment. Did you ever talk about exclusivity? Did you and he promise or make it clear that this was supposed to be a monogamous relationship?
The sooner you get through this painful ending, the sooner you can get on with an awesome new beginning. And it WILL be nothing BUT awesome to live a life where betrayal doesn’t seem like a viable choice! Good Luck !
Presuming you had talked and agreed to a monogamous relationship, what do you expect to gain from staying in the relationship? He’s demonstrated that he can’t be trusted to keep an agreement that is very important to you, so why expect him to ever live up to anything else he says he’ll do? Best to get out now before you have a house or kids together, or before you agree to support him while he finishes a degree, then he leaves you for a pretty young thing once he’s graduated and has a better job.
“Everyone cheats” is projection from people who refuse to keep their word and want to make that OK by claiming that everyone breaks their word to intimate partners. The fact is, plenty of people go through life without breaking their word to their loved ones, especiallly in such a damaging way.
Not sure why I am looking for reasons not to, except the “good company” bit. Know you are right, really.