This is going to sound like touchy-feely unscientific therapist bullshit, and maybe it is, but I bet if you think everyone cheats, you’re going to gravitate toward cheaters.
Not everyone cheats, but maybe in your experience, everyone has, or at least would, given the chance.
Your relationship sounds unhealthy as hell. Kick him to the curb. He’ll regret wasting a good thing like you. It might take a while, but he will.
Well, now that you’ve gotten the “tough love” advice (which I entirely agree with), I’m going to suggest something sickeningly cheesy: can you just be friends? It sounds like the reason you’re hesitant to leave him isn’t because of low self esteem/emotional abuse/psychological hangups/etc, etc - you just think he’s a cool guy to hang out with, and you don’t want to lose that. Sounds like good friend material. And given that he’s banging chicks on the side, it doesn’t seem like he’s too invested in you romantically to ever be a platonic buddy.
End it.
There’s no ‘time limit’ on when someone can cheat. Two years isn’t long and if they can jump into bed so easily with another they’re obviously not as invested in your relationship as you are. There’s no excuse for cheating behind someone’s back if your partner was that unhappy or not content with just you they should have been honest and ended it. IF I were you walking away now is the best thing you can do, remain friends by all means but this will not end well if you stay. Can you honestly say you will trust your partner again? It’s totally realistic to expect the person you love to remain faithful whilst you’re in a relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope it will work out where you both can remain friends should you end it. At the end of the day your life your choice.
Wow. Thank you all for your responses. I should probably admit that when I made that post, I had a few wines under my belt and was just feeling ranty/stabby /weepy. A good night’s sleep and all seems clearer, yes, of course, just move on and realise it’s not the end of the world! I feel embarrassed, now, for being a bit melodramatic 
Especial thanks to those who were sympathetic… I was just feeling a bit crap, thank you for indulging me.
(If that’s your idea of melodrama, I bet you’ll be a very popular guest anywhere next Thursday, and for the rest of the holiday season.)
My first husband cheated. I forgave him, he cheated again. And again. Until he found someone he liked better and left me for her - by which time I was more than ready to say good riddance, but I was raised a good Catholic girl, so it was nice that he took the responsibility.
They are still married twenty years later, but he still cheats on her.
If its ok with you, not my monkeys, not my circus. I have friends with various forms of open relationships, and some of them have worked long term. But is that the life YOU want? And do you want to start that sort of arrangement because he lied and cheated?
Cheaters cheat. Unless they work hard to change. Some do, and become worthwhile partners, sometimes even for the partner they cheated on. Many say they’ll change, discover it’s hard, and then not bother. Others just change partners, nothing more.
Tails, I’m very sorry to hear this. You certainly have my sympathy. Feeling ranty/stabby/weepy sounds like the right response, as does moving on.
I’ve never cheated in almost 27 years with my spouse, or with any of my partners before that. The closest I came was the time I realized somebody I only knew online was getting flirty, and I cut it off. I’m pretty sure my spouse has never cheated, and most of my close friends tell me they’ve never cheated (when they could have told me otherwise).
Besides, in the first two years, aren’t you still supposed to be fairly infatuated? I have a friend who cheated after being married many years, and he repented and stayed loyal again, and I think there’s a legitimate case to be made for trying to make a marriage work if it’s something with lots of investment in it. But you really didn’t get what you deserve!
Channeling Savage the best i can come up with is that he loves you but wants some kinky sex you wont do / hes too chicken to suggest.
If thats not remotely possible DTMFA
Some do change. Sometimes there are reasons for cheating that aren’t selfish instant gratification. I also think some people grow out of it. Sex seems far more important when you are young. (Its important now, but on the scale of screwing my life up to screw, I used to sort of get that, now its a mystery).
And some people will slip up once (under the influence, at a conference - that sort of thing), feel lousy and guilt ridden, and never do it again.
But its only some.
People like to say that, but tend to fail to provide examples, or provide examples that I don’t consider cheating. What are the non-selfish, not for personal enjoyment reasons to cheat in your book?
I don’t believe the ‘slipped up’ narrative. There are too many conscious actions required to get from ‘don’t know someone’ to ‘banging’ for it to just happen. People like to say that because it absolves them of responsibility, like they forgot to bring an umbrella on a day when there was a chance of rain, but it’s not true. If someone says they cheated because they slipped up, then I would absolutely not trust them, because they either have an absurdly low level of self control, or they’re making nonsense excuses.
If someone cheated in the past, realized it’s bad, and view it as something they grew out of or learned not to do, then I think it’s perfectly reasonable to judge them on what they do now. But that’s a really different thing than ‘oh, I slipped up’.
Well, that’s it isn’t it. Its your book and my book.
I don’t consider what Spenser Tracy and Katherine Hepburn had going to be cheating. His wife wouldn’t grant a divorce, although he offered her one.
A friend of mine had a partner who up and left. They were married. It took a while to get the divorce through, since he was unreachable. Not cheating when she started dating again.
YMMV.
I don’t consider it cheating if it’s from spousal abandonment, relationship over except for the paperwork, etc.
If the couple has a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, that’s not cheating. If one spouse announces “despite your objections, I will be having sex with others”, that’s not cheating either. (Might be an asshole move, but that’s a different issue.)
But when one spouse actively deceives the other, or makes them think they’re in a closed marriage when it’s a one-sided open marriage, then it’s cheating. It is truly extremely rare for this sort of activity to be justifiable, Mr. Savage’s protestations notwithstanding.
IMHO, anyway.
I cheated a couple times on my college girlfriend. I felt terrible and it still bothers every time I think about it.
We’re not together any more, but I will never cheat again on someone with whom I am in an exclusive relationship.
It depends entirely on the person. If he feels guilty, knows he messed up, and wants to make it up to you and never do it again, then you can get past this.
I would guess there’s a 15% chance that’s the case. Usually, cheaters are just men of weak will and will do it again.
You can look at the big picture and forgive and try to forget but someone who has demonstrated they are not willing to be monogamous is unlikely to quit that behavior. For him it’s interesting, exciting and vital in the moment and that trumps his implied promises to you.
I’d get trying to save a marriage but this is 24 months of dating and no kids. You’re falling over your own feet trying to justify keeping him because he’s a good boyfriend on every measure except where he puts his penis.
Stepping back take the 20,000 foot view.
1: He is not likely to stop cheating if the right opportunity hits him again.
2: It’s a brutal but real world consideration to judge objectively how physically attractive are you right now vs the future when he cheats again? You need to judge how easy it’s going to be to get a high quality SO if you decide to stay with this relationship that has high likelihood of imploding at some point and is not likely to lead to a solid marriage. The time wasted on this guy and your declining attractiveness as you age is going to leave you in a less favorable position vs making a decision now.
3: What do you want? If you want marriage, kids, faithful husband etc you need to move on ASAP. If you just want a lively, entertaining, no strings attached fuck buddy and marriage and kids is not a priority it might be worth living with.
Cheating in my book requires deceiving an intimate partner who you’re in an active relationship with about an intimate relationship with another partner. If you aren’t lying to your partner then it’s not cheating as I would use the term, though it may not be healthy.The fact that a marriage exists on paper is irrelevant too, especially if the situation was before no-fault divorce became normal in the US, there has to be an ongoing relationship. So neither one of your situations are at all cheating in my book - neither one involved an actual relationship, just a technical marriage, and neither involved deception. Tracy and his wife lived separate lives, she just wouldn’t sign the papers needed at the time to end the marriage, and he didn’t keep the relationship secret from her. Your friend’s partner terminated the relationship when he vanished, the fact that it takes time to dissolve the legal structure without his cooperation doesn’t mean that the relationship existed.