Hi everyone. So, I’m new here and I’m not sure if I’m posting this in the right place.
But here goes…
My and my SO have been together for 3 years now. We recently broke up for a few days and then got back together. It was a mere misunderstanding and we patched it up pretty quickly, it helped me realise how much I love her. When we got back together I suggested that we live with complete honesty and respect for each other, treat each other as an extension of ourselves. We’ve both been guilty of the old
“What’s wrong?”
“nothing.”
In the past, we’ve probably built up some feelings rather than sharing and I suggested we work on that and she agreed. She also suffers from depression and severe OCD and she mentioned she might get some help with that. I began to appreciate her like never before. I’m so in love.
Anyway, one day she casually mentioned that she’s been talking to this guy on Facebook who lives about 4 hours away in a car (he doesn’t live in a car obviously, that’s the vehicle you’d need to be in to get to his house in 4 hours). She said that he was flirting with her and calling her beautiful and sending out the ol’ “good morning good looking” BS. She said he was good looking too so immediately a few red flags starting waving in front of my face. To cut a long story short(ish), after a while I began to snoop on her Facebook account, I’m not proud of that. But there you have it.
Anyway I learned that while I was giving her everything, all of my attention and trying my best to make her happy and thinking that we’ve really fixed things up and getting along better than ever - complete honesty and respect - she was chatting to this guy. She did eventually vaguely mention to him that she had a boyfriend and when he asked how it’s going between us (he actually called me a lucky guy, the snake) my girlfriend replied “Good. Just seeing how it goes” and she calls him sweet and sends him kisses, she puts a bit more effort in to talking to him than she does with me and she once blew me off on the phone - pretending she was too sick and weak to talk - so that she could call him.
He has sent her flowers to her house when she was in hospital which she did tell me about, to be fair.
When I asked her about this guy she insists they are just friends and is planning on meeting up with him in his home town sometimes soon and that I shouldn’t “get weird” about it.
Am I over-reacting? What should I do? I’m really hurt. I doubt she’d ever actually physically cheat on me but I feel like this is a huge insult to our relationship and disrespectful to me. Especially after I told her it makes me uncomfortable. If you truly care about someone surely you would do anything in your power to prevent from hurting them? Why would she carry on messaging this guy?
PLUS, due to my shameful snooping, I now know that while she is telling me most of it she is also concealing some small truths. I realise the irony in me asking her to be honest as I snoop on her Facebook account.
I truly love this girl and would do anything for her.
How on Earth do I go about handling this? Am I being silly and it’s all harmless fun?? Any replies would be hugely appreciated. Thanks in advance and I’m sorry if this is a long and miserable post.
Talk to her. Let her know what your concerns are. Do not snoop on her facebook account, do not follow her to see what she’s doing. If you can’t work it out by talking, then the relationship just isn’t going to work.
Haha Yeah, I figured as much.
I know you’re right. Of course you’re right. My problem is as soon as I tell her I know as much as I know I’ll have to admit that I snooped. The problem with that is, she will most likely just concentrate on that and talk about how I don’t trust her and how I’m now the bad guy. I feel awful for snooping, I really do but…was I justified to do so?
Am I being a psychotic over-bearing boyfriend or just a concerned one?
So she made friends online with a dude of the opposite sex, which she told you about. And you consider that cheating?
Is this your first long term relationship?
Do you have an expectation that she not be friends at all with anyone of the opposite sex? Do you require proof and a statement of allegiance to you at least monthly? Weekly or daily?
You need to grow up and let it go. She’s not cheating on you, yet. If and when she does, then you break up with her. If you’re so insecure about her now, you don’t need to be in a long term relationship until you mature a bit more.
Thank-you. I would never normally behave that way but things weren’t adding up so I resorted to that in a moment of weakness I Guess. I feel awful about it and kind of trapped with the knowledge I now have. But like I said, how could I ever ask her to be honest if I’m not.
You sure told me. I like this site.
Yeah, well she has plenty of male friends and I’m absolutely fine with that. I had a bad feeling about this one due to a couple of things she said and it was more about how they talk to each other rather than that she has a male friend.
I do give her the respect that she’s due for telling me. I guess I couldn’t help but be hurt by what I’d seen. That’s probably my own fault. If you read something that wasn’t meant for your eyes you’re probably going to end up seeing something that upsets you.
I think that’s pretty conclusive then? I may have trust issues and it’s something I need to work on. This is really helping me and so far I’m relieved that I made the mistake, not her.
Sorry but if she isn’t cheating now, she will be. She’s not going to drive 4 hours and NOT sleep with the guy.
Put your foot down and say that it is unacceptable to meet guys on Facebook and contemplate driving 4 hours to meet them, and then if she continues to do it, break up.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… We need a FAQ or Sticky on this subject given how it comes up at least once every month and almost invariably by a brand new member.
For whatever reason, you can’t/don’t trust her–that’s enough right there.
And for whatever reason, she thinks you shouldn’t get weird about the visit–that’s bullshit, and my money says she wouldn’t put up with it if you were off on a similar visit.
You’ve been had, set her free. I wouldn’t even get into putting your foot down and saying anything is unacceptable–your command will not alter her behavior. Just end it before you blow another year or ten on her.
I’ve got a different take based on what you have shared. I’m sorry, but you probably would rather not hear it. The short answer is, I think she’s keeping you on a short leash while she explores the potential with Mr. Sweetie. Here’s why:
Women who are seriously committed to the relationship they’re in nip the “good morning good looking” BS stuff in the bud. In other words, women who are committed to the relationship they’re in never give anyone else a chance to interlope. Your gal is allowing him to flirt and think of her in a more intimate sort of way than mere friends. I would see that as a serious red flag.
How are you not one of the main things she is talking about? You’re living with her, for goodness’ sake! And “Just seeing how it goes???” This doesn’t sound like someone who is seriously committed, to me.
In a word, yes.
I have many male friends whom I’ve made and kept throughout the years. When my husband and I got together (he has since died), it troubled him some at first that I had so many male friends. I explained that if any of those fellows had been the right one for me, I’d be with them – not him. I asked him to grant me that trust, and I did not pursue **new **male friendships, either online or in person. With one exception, my husband came to understand that these men were just friends and nothing over which to be concerned. However, one fellow, with zero encouragement from me, handled himself much the same way your girlfriend’s new pal is acting. My husband told me quite bluntly that he did not want me to be friends with that man anymore. I accepted his discomfort, understood why he saw the man as different to the others and discontinued the friendship. I certainly respected my husband’s opinion and his feelings more than anyone else’s, that’s sure.
Listen to your gut. If this friendship bothers you whereas others don’t, then there is likely a reason for that.
I think you can either end the relationship on your own terms or wait to be dumped. I’m sorry, but that’s where your situation is heading, I fear. And if she does truly value your relationship, she will make that clear if you try to break things off with her. I do not advise this as a tactic, just self-preservation.
Best of luck to you whatever you decide. It’s painful no matter what.
She appears to be on the ragged fringes of “playing the field”. It would seem she already has another iron in the fire. Whom she told, when asked about her level of commitment, '…just seeing how it goes." I don’t know that more needs be said than that, to be honest.
These things seem quite evident. So you need to decide, are you willing to continue, confident you’ll outshine the other? Or are you only going to be happy with a woman who ends one relationship before she begins another?
Personally, I think you deserve someone better to be deeply love with. And I think you do too!
Snooping or no, you’re confused if you think she’s a keeper. OCD & severe depression. Chasing other guys. Uncommunicative. Other stuff you haven’t mentioned.
Don’t let your guilt over snooping excuse her problems. Yes, you ought not have snooped. But that doesn’t give her an excuse. especially when she doesn’t know about it yet.
Leave now. Don’t look back. Don’t bother telling her what you know or how you know it. And take the lessons learned and apply them to a relationship with somebody else which has a chance. This one doesn’t.