I’m throwing this out there because I need to know if I’m overreacting. It’s a hung jury.
So, Saturday night I went out with a large group of friends (3 whom are VERY attractive acquaintences - one is recently divorced)… I know them only vaguely. After a few drinks, my husband and a couple of other guys meet us out at the bar for some pool. We’re all having fun, chatting, laughing, etc. Then we go home.
The next morning, I see that my husband has friended ALL six of the women we were out with (I’m not even friends with two of them). So, it’s like he came home saturday night and friended them after I went to bed. He told me he friended them since I was friends with them and they were cool (like I said, TWO of them, the attractive out-of-towners, are not on my friend list).
I because very upset about this (there are trust issues from the past which triggers this). He thinks I’m way overreacting, and I have guy friends on my friend list so why can’t he have girls on his… I suppose so, althought the guys on my list are family/co-workers/old classmates… not guys I met the night before.
We have not resolved this after 3 days and he hasn’t deleted them either. He just goes on and on about how much he loves me and that he does not want those girls in any way, that is was harmless.
PLEASE be honest - am I being insecure and petty… or does this seem like odd behavior?
How many FB friends does he have? Some people have 900 friends and add everyone they meet as a matter of course, other people have 12 friends and only add people they want to make sex with.
I think your issues are probably not about Facebook, but about Trust-With-A-Capital-T in your relationship. I suspect if he immediately de-friends them on Facebook, there will soon be another trigger for what is essentially the same argument.
Are you justified in your anger (or hurt, or mistrust, or whatever you feel it is)? I have no idea. You feel it, and that’s that. Now you have to decide what to do with that feeling. Do you *like *feeling like this? Then carry on as you have been. Or would you rather get some assistance working it out with him so you don’t have to feel like this again?
I think you also may be using “friend” differently. He says they are your “friends” because you hung out with them together. You say they are not your “Friends” referring to the fact that you don’t have them as friends on Facebook (or know them very well). From his perspective he might just be joining into a friendship he thinks exists and that you have already included him into.
Some of the communication issue may be what constitutes “a friend”. He might see them as friends of you both.
As it relates to the Facebook friending thing, you’re being insecure in my opinion.
Without the details of the “trust issues” you are in counseling about, it’s difficult to understand if you’re being unreasonable or he is being insensitive or both.
I agree that it’s difficult to be absolutely certain she’s being unreasonable and petty without knowing fully what the trust issues are, but it seems extremely likely to me that she is. For instance, unless he has a history of being a bumbling overly conspicuous philanderer, it seems extremely innocent to me.
I’m going with both as well. There is something “off” about immediately friending a bunch of women you just met if you’re not a big facebook user. Especially if you friend all the women and none of the men you were out with. Especially squared if you are already in counseling with your wife regarding trust issues.
OTOH, it’s not like this is being kept Top Secret, or anything. It’s on Facebook, where he presumably knows you will be able to see everyone he has just friended.
OTOOH, there’s a reason Facebook plays a part in a large percentage of divorce proceedings.
While he may not intend to engage in inappropriate behavior with these women, it is insensitive to the fact that your relationship has issues you both should be working to correct.
Everyone is a bit insecure in relationships sometimes, but what’s bothering me is the way he is responding to your worries. You aren’t overreacting by that much (ie you’re not throwing his computer out the window or anything) - what I want to know is, why is it more important for him to remain Facebook friends with these women than to defriend them to reassure you?
When my husband and I first started going out, I also had some trust issues from previous relationships that were triggered when my husband (then my boyfriend) texted me to say he’d run into his most recent ex-girlfriend and would be having a drink with her after work, and he wasn’t sure when he would be home but it would be before 9pm. Now I wouldn’t have a problem with this, but then it really upset me. When we talked about it later, he said, basically, “Your feelings are more important to me than seeing my ex for an hour, so I’m going to promise you that I won’t be alone with her again unless you let me know you’re OK with it.”
Why is it so difficult for your husband to delete them, if they mean as little as he says? I suspect that’s why you can’t put your worries to bed - he’s treating these Facebook contacts as more important than your feelings.
I think you’re overreacting. If he hung out with them and had a fun night with them, there’s no issue with friending them on Facebook. Shit, you should too, if you haven’t already.
He shouldn’t defriend them just to coddle your insecurities. Rational should never give way to irrational. Frankly, if I were in his situation, I’d give serious thought to leaving the relationship. It’s not worth being with someone who is incapable of basic trust.
I don’t make friend requests to many people. I think I have 92 and have sent a request to exactly one person this year. However, if someone sends a request to me I usually add them. I can always remove them later if it turns out they’re annoying.
I never demanded he defriend them, ever. I simply wondered why he went online to friend them when he hardly knew them. I forgot to mention my husband had an affair 2 years ago (via online and phone) - which is where some of my insecurity stems from.
It appears I just need to get the hell over it. So I will do that.
Many years ago - far before friending, my wife and I were at a party. We ended up playing pool with a couple of other women. The other women didn’t know us and didn’t know that it was my wife there. So she started acting like she was trying to get my attention - laying across the table to play shots, brushing against me when she walked by. As soon as the other women started competing with her she left me with them.
She was then able to mock me endlessly about the fact that she could have shut the whole thing down in 5 seconds, if she had wanted to, but she had given me a treat.
Keep working, hon. It can get better.