I can handle people saying to me, “I don’t like the Beatles.” I can handle people say to me, “Your sister is REALLY annoying sometimes.” I can handle someone saying to me, “I don’t understand your religion, and I really don’t care too.” However, I CAN"T handle people saying “The Beatles suck…” And other personal attacks. I can’t handle, “I hate your sister. She is such a brat. How do you put up with her.” And other personal attacks. And I can’t handle people telling me I’m stupid and I belong to a cult, (Which I don’t BTW) etc etc.
Do I feel threatened by her because history has a tendency to repeat itself? Yes, and that’s part of the problem. I hate her and I hate the fact that he is her friend, and they DID have a history. And she DID know him very well. and visa versa.
Oh new recent development. Doing a little snooping, (Hey if he didn’t want me to snoop he wouldn’t give me his passwords haha) I found out that he complains about my family to her. Not very nice. It’s things like that that gets on my nerves.
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
Yet. I don’t know you, or your boyfriend, but this sounds like potentially a very bad situation. Maybe you hate his ex so much because you feel she’s a threat to this relationship that you’re so dependent on. And, from what I read, I’d say she might be. I also have to wonder about your boyfriend… if he knows how much it bothers you that he still has contact with this person, then why does he continue to rub it in your face? Is it an ego trip for him that he holds that much power over you? Just something to consider.
Your BF is still friends with this gal because he still wants to have sex with her. If he wants you and she to be friends, then he probably wants you to have a threesome.
There is no such thing as a guy being a friend with a gal. That is what their buddies are for.
You could issue an ultimatum, but you’d probably loose.
He doesn’t seem ready to get entangled in one relationship, if that is what you want, better look elsewhere.
Oh grow up. Not liking the Beatles is not fatal. If she said “Anyone who likes the Beatles is a total fool and an asshole!” that would be different. Those are “fightin’ words”. But deal, hun. Not everyone has the same musical taste you do.
I cannot muster a great deal of sympathy for your situation, sorry. You contributed to this guy betraying this girl. You encouraged it, you wanted it to happen. But, boo hoo, the guy still wants to keep connected with the girl you encouraged him to betray. It’s a package deal. You can’t have it all your way. Either get used to it, or leave him. Obviously he isn’t going to give her up anytime soon.
Polydactyl Cats Unlimited
“A Cat Cannot Have Too Many Toes”
I’m curious why you feel the need to snoop in the first place. Obviously something isn’t kosher in this relationship, or you would be able to live and let live. In my marriage I went snooping there towards the end cause I feared for my physical safety. But otherwise… there was never a need.
IMO, there’s a problem there you’re not admitting.
IMHO, hate will destroy your spirit, if you let it. Most importantly, it’s time for some honesty with yourself. Sounds like you have some control issues to work on. Lose the hate, for it serves no worthwhile purpose, if you continue to live with it, you won’t ever really be happy; with or without your boyfriend.
After reading all of this, I’ve come to a few conclusions.
You’re going to stay with him, and you’re going to hate her, regardless of what any of us say. You know why you hate her. You know all the bad points of the relationships, yours & his and his & hers.
You seem to be agreeing with a lot of our points, but you don’t seem willing to try & do anything to better your situation. You’re asking for advice, and we’re giving it (my advice is based on personal experience–just assuming that most everyone else’s is as well), and you keep finding reasons why our advice won’t work.
There isn’t anything more I can do for you, except wish you the best, and tell you to keep numbers for women’s shelters on hand. I can see this turning in to an abusive relationship, because I have been there, done that, and lived to tell about it.
Good luck, pepperlandgirl.
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
I’m hoping this doesn’t come off as nasty but here goes:
I agree with Cristi, you will stay with him no matter what we say here. I think it’s safe for me to say that EVERYONE here agrees that this relationship has disaster written all over it. So, why did you ask?
I’m sorry if I offend anyone here but, why bother? You know your relationship with this man is not everything you hoped for and more. You don’t want to hear our advice, you proved this by finding reasons our advice will not work. It seems to me that we are the collective voice of experience here, and you came to us for advice.
I’m sorry if I have misconstrued anyone’s advice/reply here. I just had to ask “why bother”, afterall we have done this before, and we will do it again.
Whatever you choose to do pepperlandgirl, good luck, it seems to me that you are going to need it.
Thanks for the smile this morning.
How do you feel about doing someone you don’t know?
Please, please, please (on my knees) please, please ~~ originally posted by GolfWidow
Doesn’t sound to me like you trust him. Sounds to me like you are watching him like a hawk for signs of cheating - you’ve already started down the road that Cristi points out in her Option C.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate everybody’s advice. And the reason I can find points that don’t work is because you know my general situation but not the specifics. I still apprciate everybody’s input because it helps the old thinking machine into action. I enjoy seeing other people’s take on the situation because then I have more points with which to evaluate what’s going on.
But most of you are right, I’m NOT going to leave him. I figure if he has never mentally, emotionally, or physically abused me after two years, then he probably won’t start anytime soon. I know the warning signs, I read Dear Abby and Ann Landers (The articles that say “These are the warning Signs”), I watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and took the stress test(Scored very low on it), I’m not clueless.
And maybe I need to make myself more clear. The reason I have to “check up on him” is because he can’t add or subtract. If I don’t follow every subtraction he does then there is a potential of something horrible happening, i.e. boucning checks. I know from personal experiences.
AND she didn’t just say the Beatles suck, what she did say WAS closer to “Everybody who listens to the Beatles are assholes…” etc etc.
I know he is not going to sleep with her, she lives in Canada, we live in the San Francisco bay area. I THINK the reason he still talks to her is because they are friends, and friendship is very important to him.
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
I left my first husband for a man who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. This was after I’d spent 25 years reading Dear Abby & Ann Landers, watching Oprah and Phil, and living with my mother, who was a crisis counselor for battered women. I knew all the signs too. If there was anyone who was not clueless, it was moi. It happened anyway. I honestly believed that the love of a good woman would change him. BZZZT! Wrong answer!
One more thing I should suggest: counseling. If you’re not going to leave him, then get some counseling to help you deal with the hatred you feel for his ex. At the very least, the hatred you feel may turn to indifference towards her, and it won’t be quite as upsetting to you.
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
I don’t think the love of a good woman is going to change him…he doesn’t need to be changed. The only fault he has as far as I’m concerned is his friendship with his ex. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, is a manager at K-Mart, loves and wants lots of children, and can’t wait to get married.
HOWEVER, we WILL get pre-marital counseling before we get married because our Church recomends it for all couples to cut down the divorce rate. And when we do that, I will broach the subject so we can both explore our feelings.
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
What good will counselling do? He has already set the standard for your relationship, such as it is. Your negotiating power was in the first couple of months.
If he is paying the bills, then you truly have no voice.
At any rate, he obviously likes what the other gal did so much that he is not willing to give her up.
And if it isn’t this gal, it will be someone else.
To: Mega The Roo
And no I am not being sarcastic when I say men and women can’t be friends. The only reason for a guy to be friends with a gal is cause he wants to do her, and he is just waiting for the gal to have another fight with her boyfriend and then he can jump in and score.
Don’t believe it, then tell your guy ‘friends’ you have no intention of ever having sex with them, and see how long they stay around.
Or, offer to ‘do them’ right away and see how many offers you get. I’ll wager not many will turn you down.
Are you implying that a woman isn’t worthy of a man’s friendship? That the only reason a man would even want to associate with one, is in hopes of getting laid? Cause, that’s ridiculous. Some of my guy friends have been around since elementary school and would laugh in my face if I ever offered to ‘do them’, and if not, they’ve got some killer patience.
Lindsay, I don’t know what world you’re from, but that’s certainly not the way things work down here.
“Organs gross me out. That’s organs, not orgasms.”
-the wallster
I’ve had lots of male friends… my current “best friend” (gag - I hate that term) is a man. He knows everything there is to know about me. And if anyone ever threw out the idea of us hooking up… let’s just say that the other would have that person committed to the nearest nutfarm pronto.
~Jez (who is laughing hysterically at the thought)
Well, I guess I’ll throuw my 2 cents into the mix. I agree with a girl, SHE isn’t your problem. The problem is either with him or with you. SHE isn’t forcing herself on your relationship, HE is letting her in.
In general women, and believe me, I include myself, want to believe that we are the woman that will make all the difference in some mans life. He won’t cheat on US, WE are somehow different than every other woman he’s ever been with. I’m afraid reality says “Yeah, right, sure.” Sounds to me like you are prepared for the situation, so I say hang in there and hope he gets bored, it’s tough to maintain any long distance relationship.