One of my girlfriends has just started dating a guy who she says things are wonderful with except for one thing - he’s friends with a lot of his ex girlfriends and ex ‘hook ups’. At least 4 that she knows of.
While she would never try and tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, she has told me it makes her super uncomfortable that these women are still in his life, which I can completely understand - I can’t imagine he’d be too pleased with her continuing to hang out with a bunch of guys she’d slept with or dated.
Personally, when my time with someone ends, our time is over. I don’t have kids so there is nothing that means we still need to be in contact. I don’t know nor care what any of my exes are doing with their lives.
I am lost for what advice to give her. If she tells him it makes her uncomfortable she’s basically giving him an ultimatum, but if she doesn’t this situation might get too much her.
If they just started dating, I’d say his seemingly amicable breakups are a positive sign. The women from his past, whether seriously involved with him or not, are still on good terms with him? That’s not an indication that he will cheat by any means.
Once/if they get more serious then it would be time to put away those people in the ex-gf and ex-hookup time capsules. If he refused to then, that would be a sign of a problem.
It’s not ultimatum time but she should proceed with caution, as with any new relationship.
I think your friend stands an excellent chance of becoming friends with the guy she is dating and joining the swelling ranks of women he stockpiles in his entourage of easy seconds for when new game is hard to find.
I’m guessing maybe the OP is female and is using “girlfriend” in the sense of “platonic female friend”?
Anyway, in my opinion: being friends with one’s exes is not a problem. If both parties still wanted to be together, they would be. If someone is friends with NONE of their exes, I’d consider it much more of a red flag, although understandable in certain circumstances.
There seem to be two good styles of breaking up, the “clean break”, and the “let’s be friends”. There are also several bad ways, like “he’s stalking me and I need a new identity.” or “I need to give up all my other hobbies and friends because he’s still there and I can’t be near him”.
Someone with a lot of friendly exes has proof he’s unlikely to fall into one of the really bad categories. And it means if you break up, it’s unlikely to be a horrible messy experience.
I think both of the good ways are valid, and if she is uncomfortable with “let’s be friends” perhaps she shouldn’t date him. They may be incompatible. But I know lots of people in the “let’s be friends” group, and I know it can work.
Yeah, same here. I’m still friends with most my exes. Hell, one even stayed with me and my wife for a few days when she was visiting from abroad. As much as some people don’t understand being friends with an ex, I don’t understand not remaining friends with someone you presumably shared a bond with, but for one reason or another, weren’t romantically compatible. Yeah, if you’re just dating assholes and jerks, I can see breaking away, but most my relationships were with people I actually liked,
My ex-wife is like family to me. There is zero chance that we are going to sleep together. Two of her (now ex) boy friends are still friends of mine (and hers). This is what’s known as having a healthy relationship.
I lived with a woman for a few years and we’re still friends. She doesn’t live in town but we attend a lot of the same events so we run into each other a few times a year. We’re friends and we have a ton of friends in common.
I’d be very suspicious of someone who had a bad relationship with all of their exes. Major red flag.
It’s called moving on. Letting others do the same.
You want friends? Make friends with people you’ve not been fucking, or just keeping on the back burner just in case you decide you might want to during a dry spell.
If your friend wants information about his past behavior, she knows at least four people she can go ask. If, for example, she’s worried that he’ll cheat on her, she has four people who can attest to whether he cheated on (or with) them.
Other than that… staying friends with an ex seems perfectly healthy to me. It’s certainly better than throwing your clothes in the backseat and driving to a new state, or ending it with a restraining order, right?
But we don’t even know what your friend wants out of this relationship. She’s dating a guy who clearly has a past full of casual sex. If she wants casual sex, then she’s set. If she wants to marry and settle down next year… this is probably not going to happen.
The relationships with his exes hardly seems relevant.
Personally I think it’s very sad to cut someone dead and never speak to them again, just because the romance is over. I believe in holding on to people in whatever way one can, so long as the relationship is a good one. I think your girlfriend should consider how she wants to be treated by this guy once the two of them break up: be friends, or never see or hear from each other again?
I certainly didn’t assume this and I don’t feel that way. You reading that into my comments says way more about you than it does about me
We did move on. And we’re still friends. It’s amazing what emotionally mature people can do.
Who’s making assumptions now? Fourteen years of combined being friends after a relationship with the two women that I mentioned above and no fucking them at all. The ex-gf has even stayed in my guest room a few times.
I think she should decide if it’s too uncomfortable. If it is, she should move on. He’s not going to change. It just seems an issue of not being compatible.